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do i move on completely or stay where i am?
December 15, 2003
2:06 pm
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smucks
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I'm just going to throw this out there for anyone who would like to give me some feed back! My boyfriend and I had been together for three years. We saw each other every single day and would sleepover each other's apt's every night. Early on in our relationship he had lied to me about something that hurt me a lot and since I have a hard time trusting people it made me feel he was another one of those people in my life I couldn't trust, yet I felt those strong feelings for him so I decided to stay in the relationship to work on the trust issue. From then on I had a hard time believing a lot of the things he said to me, although I got better at trying to just take his word for things and hope that everything he said he meant which was for the most part true (there was one other time I caught him in a lie, but feel I almost forced him to do so). I came to the realization recently (after we "broke up") that a lot of the trust issues I have are from growing up with a Dad who was an alcoholic and the low self-esteem I endured from the childhood experiences involved with that. I became abusive in our relationship, I physically hit him two times and told him I would stop the first time, but didn't realize I needed to get professional help to break that viciousness. I also was emotionally abusive the first year or two of our relationship but soon came to the realization how wrong tha was and was able to stop that the past year. An incident occured however (two days before he broke up with me) where i hit him a lot and said a lot of emotionally abusive things I told him and myself i never would, I was also under the influence of alcohol and know that's not an excuse for everything, but also know it made things more dramatic for me at least. He then told me two days later he needed space and time. I gave it to him for a while, but (being codependent) was not able to completely detach myself from him, nor was he from me as far as I see because everytime I wanted to do somethign he would come along and vice versa. So it didn't seem like we had really broken up except for the fact that he was and is no longer emotionally there for me. I have had many talks about how I would like to work through these problems we had and have together ( I realize I did not give him enough space during our relationship, I was very smothering) especially now that I am in group therapy as well as individual and have a much better grasp as to what a healthy relationship is. He told me he still really loves me, he cares about me, but sometimes he just does not feel he wants to be involved with someone, he wants to be selfish and not have to think of someone else. He also said however he does really want to see these changes in me as far as how I can be in a relationship just not right now, which to me sounds like I am being put on hold. He's not looking for other girls, I know that for a fact, so my problem is that I really want this to work, I know it can and i know he won't see it until it does, or he won't see the changes in me as far as how much healthier I can be until we are back together. I don't know if i should still be waiting for him because I do feel guilty that I am the one who did do a lot of damage,I love him more than anything and feel there's a lot more to us than this abusiveness which can be fixed, therefore I feel I do have to suffer and let him be in control now hoping that he will turn around and change his mind. The two times I asked if he would get back together he said he would think about it and he tells people now we are "seeing" each other. The emotional part of this is hurting me a lot, I feel we either need to work things out now (becuase if he decides in a month he's ready, the problems are still going to be there that we left with) or I need to just get over him and tell him that with the strong possibility we will never be again ( I honesly don't see myeslf going back just becasue he's ready in a week, two weeks, two months...). Sorry this is so long, any thoughts are welcome!

smucks

December 15, 2003
2:27 pm
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mj
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Smucks you need to learn to answer your own questions. Trust yourself.

What do you think you should do?

December 15, 2003
2:52 pm
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artist 2
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Can you just take this as an opportunity to work on yourself? That's the way I look at my current relationship. He loves me and wants me to change and has been waiting for it.

Because he's waiting, I want to change - I don't want to make him wait, so I'm trying hard to overcome my negative behaviors.

I've gone back and forth on letting go and letting him control, etc.... and the only thing that's worked is letting go and letting myself be.

Part of your problem might be that you're being too hard on yourself and not giving YOU a break.

December 15, 2003
9:17 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Smucks,

Sometimes two people together can be toxic for one or more reasons. This is almost what is sounds like to me.

Cheers to you though for recognizing what your problems are, and doing something about it.

From what you have posted here, I think if it were me, I would walk away, work on myself and move on with life. On another thread here, but I don't remember which one the question was brought up if you remain in a relationship until the very end, does that make the relationship a success? Absolutely not.

Zinnie

December 16, 2003
1:52 pm
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smucks
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Thanks for your responses. As for an update, we are trying things again. I basically laid it out on the line if he's not in a relationship for love then what other reason would he be in one for? Just going to keep working on myself and take things slow for the time being. Thanks!

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