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do I have depression
March 10, 2000
11:39 am
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dega
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I feel like my family is falling apart. I have a 17 year old son who has gotten into drugs, alcohol and trouble with the law. After about 3 years of trying to help him I have given up and kicked him out of the house. I have another son who is 14 who seemed to be following his brother's footsteps and decided it was better for everyone if my older son left. He has been gone for about 3 months. I know where he is and talk to him about every two weeks. I feel a tremoundous amount of guilt at not being a good parent. My younger son seems to be turning around and I am confident he will be okay. However I am still paranoid every time he goes out or talks on the phone. I am constantly checking up on him, listening in on his phone calls etc. (he doesn't know how much I do this) How can I go back to living a more "normal" life? How do I deal with my feelings of guilt?

March 10, 2000
6:46 pm
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janes
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GO TO FAMILY COUNSELING NOW WITH YOUR 14 YEAR OLD. Now...after you and your 14 year old get started and depending on how things go see about having the 17 year old come too.

It was an interesting night at the psychologists when our three younger children said we should leave our oldest substance abuser in jail should she ever be arrested (again)

It is VERY hard to trust the younger one when the oldest has been so tough.

Is it your fault? did you buy the drugs? There are probly a million things you could have done differently but whether or not they would have made a difference is a moot point.

We are now taking our youngest to therapy for deression and "worries about "family discord. Seek help now . the insight you can all gain from a good therapist will not ever be lost.

March 13, 2000
10:51 am
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hazza
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Dega,
You were NOT a bad parent with your oldest son, you were a GOOD one.
You showed him baoundaries, he had the choice, and you are right to be firm the fact that you still talk to him shows that the reltaionship will survive, but you had to show him that he cant live in your house unless he confronts his drug issues, he will hopefully in time, get help with these things but you have done the best thing you can do.
Peace
Hazza

March 19, 2000
8:19 pm
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heartbroken
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i needed somewhere to let my mind speak without everyone having a "why-me attitude:. My mom is very ill --my daughter and husband have had to come to live with us because of his auto accident that left him with severe head trauma and no help. my other son live with me because i took custody of his son because he couldn't raise him himself. i have just cut all connections with my sister who is an absolute "ME" person who will not even help in the course of taking care of my mom the only way i know how--to be there everyday for her when i can.I do believe that i am depressed and don't know how to tell someone i am without this :no you're not" attitude. What do you think?

April 2, 2000
5:56 pm
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fatrat
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i believe i have a very serious problem i won,t to commit suicide me and my husband sleep in differen,t beds and all we do is fight

April 2, 2000
7:55 pm
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janes
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Sleeping in different beds isn'talways a big deal. Wnating to commit suicide is a very big deal.

You need to seek professional help as soon as you can. a trusted friend. a counselor, a religious person whomever you trust most.

PLEASE!!!! Get help now.

April 2, 2000
8:24 pm
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living in CA.
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I agree you should seek counsuling also read Tuff Love.

April 4, 2000
8:38 am
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hazza
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Please everyone who posted here,
give me an update of how you are all doing.
Heartbroken, how are you coping? please write again so we can talk with you.
fatrat, how are you? let us know if you want to talk, please go to your doctor or a therapist, this is what they are there for, speak to us okay?
hey ther janes!! how are things for you?
and living in CA - nice to meet you, i bet its walmer for you than it is for me right now, i am freezing!!!
peace all
Hazza

April 11, 2000
11:23 pm
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NatureL
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You SHOULD be checking up on your son, whether he likes or knows it. He is living under your roof in your house paid for with money you make. His room is your room. He needs you to do this checking, tho he doesn't realize it now. You don't have to be militantly invasive, of course, but DO keep tabs on him. How else will you know? At 14, he is at a difficult stage of change in life...from child to teen to young adult. Lots of stuff going on there. About your 17 y.o., I totally understand how you feel. My son got into trouble, I didn't know what to do. He made his own decisions and suffered the consequences and has finally learned...at age 30. I should've done more but felt at a loss as to what,as the resistance was very strong and kids can be so sneaky. You can't keep them on a leash. I felt SO much guilt and am just now learning to let go of some, and he has been very loving and appreciative of me. At least you're talking to him some time. Have you heard of Tough Love? Try to find out about it and it seems like you're practicing it. I hope he figures out how good he had it at home and that "real life" in the real world can be difficult enough without complicating it with DRUGS. One day at a time, dear. Go to support groups once a week, at least, and try Alanon for YOU. Good luck and hugs to you.

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