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do i break or make up?
October 1, 1999
3:57 am
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ruya
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dear confused,
oh. please don't be afraid. you'll make it. make the world beautiful for your baby. i have a 3 yr old too, and all i think about is how to create a good environment to bring up my child in. keep a close friends circle and don't regret leaving this relationship. you'll become strong and you will perceive the diff. keep writing in.
ruya.

October 9, 1999
12:07 pm
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peach
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Hi. i've been reading some of the problems and mine seem so far away now, even though I am still fighting with the emotions of ending the relationship for the good of my children...dragging them through a years worth of child custody battles and loosing all of them to their father, until the last one.. It's hard thinking of the new relationship I started and the fear of ending up in a disfunctional one again. This new man is kind and gentle and stubborn as a mule. I am caught up in the dilemma of continuing on in this relationship with all of its goodness, just because I am afraid. My communication skills aren't the greatest and the more I have on my mind, the more I have a tendency to clam up and not want to talk. I just want to have a normal relationship and stop being afraid. I was afraid for so many years when I was married..the anger..the hate..the resentment..but, it was really fear and I sometimes shake from it when I am alone.

October 9, 1999
12:15 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear Confused and Peach
Welcome!
Confused you do not have to leave the relationship, this is not part of your healing.
It is important to just try to detach from him your controlling and manipulation (making him into the "potential" that you see) He is as he is right now and it is up to HIM to change himself into a better man.
Peach, you say he is 'stubborn" stubborn to YOUR ways of wanting him to be? If so honey, you are in the throes of codependency still and need to take a breath and start working on yourself as so many women have here. If you read all of our posts you will see how far everyone is coming!!!!!!!! and healing, and YOU both will TOO!!!! We care!!!
Ruya, it is wrong for your man to not "be there for you" a normal healthy male would, but you need to be strong and pray and with your higher power you can get to the place within you where you wont NEED him or anyone else to be happy. YOu will only need you, but you need love (to give and receive) this is normal and whether your husband still fits in your eyes is something to deal with then. If he values you and your marriage he will be scrambling like mad to keep up with you dear. Blessings

October 10, 1999
10:45 am
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kitten
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dear ruya,
Sometimes I sit and think that my pain is all in my head--that I can't possibly be right about my relationship. Intelligent men don't treat women that way, not talented, smart, and passionate men! Yet, I read your letter and I know they do behave that way-and - I am lost. Three years ago my husband took his own life. Left me with 3 children(one disabled), a mountain of debt, and his failing business. I worked as hard as I could to keep the family togehter. Many a night I would sit on my floor, rocking, wishing to cut off my hands--to feel physical pain rather than emotional pain. Through the help of a good therapist I survived and a year later fell in love with a wonderful man. He is everything I want...talented, stable, loving, and sensuous. Because we are both intense people there is a great deal of passion. Now, some two years later, we are at a strange place. His poor childhood(they had nothing), forces him to work long hours. This leaves no energy for me. Sometimes I have to knock on his apartment door to just make sure he is alive. When we are together he is wonderful. I want to get married...to give him the life and family he never had. Unfortunatly, he is too scared. His wife left him three years ago for his best friend. In the meantime we go through periods of incredible bliss, followed by days of silence and distant coldness. I know he loves me, but his narcissim gets in the way of his happiness. If I walked away, we would both be desolate. And so, every night I go to sleep wondering if I'll ever be safe and loved, or will I be abandoned once again. In my heart and rational mind I know he is the man for me--and believe it or not, he feels the same about me. How do two forty year olds stop the old tapes from playing and learn to be happy?
kitten

November 10, 1999
6:54 am
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ruya
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dear kitten, peach, tears, and EVERYONE,
i'm back after so long. lots of things have happened. i 've come to terms with myself and my husband just being that way. we are moving towards a seperation nothing formal yet... i've improved so much thanks tears... so much. about my new relationship... nothing till i put all this pain behind me... wonder if he will be there waiting?
kitten: i am sure things will work out fine. time is a wonderful healer. its happened to me. whether i get my man or not i donot know but i feel good just thinking about him and the way he got me over the mess. we two are facing a problem similar to yours.. though our relationship hasn't gone that far. yet... i know the way you feel. i pray that you two get together for life.keep in touch
lots and lots of love to you all
ruya.

November 10, 1999
11:08 pm
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kitten
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Welcome home, Ruya.
I'm glad to see things are improving! Things here have slowed down--for me, that is. I am so impatient for life...I want it all now! I am learning, however, it all takes time. So, my man and I are working on being friends. I'm over my head in my studies and just a wee bit tired these days anyway. It does feel nice to be with him on a comfortable level...not so worried about breaking up. Guess everything DOES take time. Glad you are back! Hugs!!!
ps. tell us about the new man in your life?

November 11, 1999
5:55 am
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ruya
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dear kitten,
thanks for your note. i do feel a lot better and i want to be there for others like us: to prove that it does get better only if we want it to!! i'm so happy about your relationship with your man. being FRIENDS is first and foremost for me: just 2 human beings communicating in harmony at all levels. its a wonderful feeling just sitting in the same room even if you don't have your arms around each other or even if you're not conversing!!! well that's how it is with my new man... but... unfortunately some stupid misunderstanding has cropped up... he's away now. i haven't seen him the past couple of months... will see how things are when he comes back. whatever the outcome, i've decided to keep my chin up and enjoy life with my three and a half yr old brat!! keep writing and keep strengthening the bond between the 2 of youlove,
ruya.

November 16, 1999
12:21 am
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ruya
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kitten, tears where are you.. i'm going away for a few days again... lot of legal work and hope everything will be done by the end of this year. i want to start a new life with the new millennium!! me and my son... wish me well.. bye and lots of love to you all. thanks for being there. you've helped me so much.
ruya.

November 16, 1999
9:49 am
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kitten
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Ruya,
You have my prayers...I don't need to wish you well, you are well. It seems like all of us are having a fresh start--a sort of new age. We are tapping into the strength of collective womenhood, becoming our true selves. Don't forget about us...our bond is forever! Peace, my dear, and lots of love.
Kt

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