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do i break or make up?
September 10, 1999
7:33 am
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ruya
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i've been married half a dozen years courted for half that number before agreeing to tie the knot!my husband comes from a background of broken marriage, abuse and all the nightmares associated with living in a small community and a society that judges harshly! i come from a well placed family and have enjoyed all that he has missed: unconditional love and affection, support from my parents and siblings. we met at a time when i was breaking away from my 3week old fiancee (i was running away from it, it was a loveless match arranged by parents). he was everything i wanted, intelligent, smart with a wonderful sense of humor and lots and lots of love to give. he'd been hurt and did harbor a lot of hatred for his father, and had fixed notions about women. i thought it was the deep rooted insecurity and i could change all that with my love and support. we got along well till his possessive nature took over. i was not used to someone breathing down my back. to put things briefly we started fighting and i started giving in, true to my decision to be supportive. i knew it was going to be tough. i had made up my mind to overcome this. we got married and things got worse. he started abusing me. physically and mentally. poked fun of me and my family, vowed to break my relationship with my parents and siblings. the more i tried the more i failed to reach him. we were briefly seperated, he had to go away for his work and i stayed with my mother .and i had our baby. he had an affair and he and his family hushed it up and though i suspected it i did'nt have proof and he kept reassuring me and even swore that what i'd heard was not true. i too wanted to work at the marriage and was only too willing to believe him. we moved from that place and came to live close to my people. he wanted to specialize in his field, i helped him prepare and he's now training. i'm financially supporting him. the abuse did'nt stop. he's alternating between being an attentive husband and wonderful father and a completely negative person: jealous, always suspicious and never approving of anything i do. i'm fed up . my tears have dried, my anger spent and i'm all dead inside. ridiculed by my friends and peers whom he systematically cut me off from, and pitied by those who knows what's happening, i'm looking for some answers, some help. anyone out there who can give me some input? waiting.
ruya.

September 10, 1999
10:47 am
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adytum
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Hi
I appear to be in a simillar position.
In fact it could be my wife writting the above statement!
No major abuse in my past although my parents did separate in my late teens.
I think we would both like to split but I am pushing to stay for the sake of the kids, 7 and 8.
My wife does not make friends very easy these days because she comes accross too strong and dominant. She does not want to listen to anyone else's view.
Which is where our problem developes.
I step of the straight line, usually not far. When she finds out she gives me heaps for 1/2 to 1 hour. She stands and points the finger big time at me. Then we dont talk for 3 to 7 days. If I try to explain my actions she talks me down, not letting me get a word in.
Eventually I may decide I have had enough play acting as a mouse and talk back. I get loud and dominant but not physical other than a push into another room. I marched her out of the house once so I could get some peace and later she called the cops, said I physically abused her. The cops took her side.
Its hard to say all the shit that is happening or how it goes down. But rather than take the easy way out and leave, I will try to take the abuse and stay.
I would prefer to go through hell myself than put the kids through an upbringing without a father.
I would like to think our life would be a whole lot more bareable if my wife would unwind and relax a little. My varations from the straight and narrow would seem minor if she could enjoy life instead of being only a mother. (maybe)
There is no outer marrage sex, very little alcohol but I do enjoy the thrill of life.
Am I going about this all wrong? I am sure talking helps!

September 10, 1999
10:55 am
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adytum
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you didn't say how old your kids, child is.

September 10, 1999
3:54 pm
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Anonymous
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ruya, you should join us over in codependents support group since you show all the signs of being codependent. we would love to be a support to you.

September 11, 1999
3:26 pm
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hazza
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ruya, hi there
you could be writing my story! Tears is so right about the co'dep group, its really helpful,( thanks tears for an excellent group, how about starting a new thread for it, its getting so slow to load!)
well ruya i dont know the answer to your question, i have the same question going on in my life, i am now trying to be much more independent of my partner, if he calls me stupid i just point out that he is being abusive and leave the room. at first it was hard to be strong when he made threats of leaving because i thought only of the good times and felt so sad at the idea that we had failed. But the more you show that you wont put up with this crap the better they behave themselves i think. I now am at the stage where i will put no more effort into this relationship until he learns to talk to me properly, if all he wants to do is shout then he can just go- i've had enough, now he trys to turn it around and say that all the problems are my fault (nothing to do with his temper and his drinking of course )and he wants to end the whole thing - like it was his idea! So i call his bluff and say okay, pity we couldn't work it out still that's life. Generally at this point he changes tack and starts being nice again! (go figure?) Day in Day out we dance this silly dance. But day by day i stop believing his criticisms of me and feel a little stronger. I am unable to do many things at the moment because i suffer from agoraphobia, I have bad panics and the stress makes me quite ill, he takes this as me choosing not to go out and doesnt realise that right now i CANT do many of the things i use to be able to do, he calls me a coma patient or tells me i am just being selfish, the one time in my life i needed his support and he totally wasn't there for me. I helped him through his breakdown however. Anyway sometimes it helps to see you are not alone, there are many of us out there giving love and support to someone who doesn't deserve it. It has taken me so long to realise that we spend our time remembering the few good times and blacking out all the shitty ones. I totally relate to what you says about losing contact with friends, i have only just opened up to my family and friends about how bad it has got, but it really helps. I also felt ashamed to let people know how i had let him take me over, but do talk to your family/friends_- let them support you through these times it really helps. your partner is probably jealous that you have a caring family,
I have spent 3 years doing what he wants because i wanted to show him how much i loved him, i thought if i did he would finally be HAPPY, i now think he will never be happy until he sorts his life out and stops blaming other people for his own failures.
Im only just starting to stop taking this, and it is really hard, but like you, my tears are dried up, i now realise that all the time im helping him, he doesn'y have to sort his own life out, so im trying to distance myself. I dont give him any more money ( i cant now anyway i had to give up work due to agoraphobia so i have no money- he hasn't worked for 3 years)
I think you will just have to decide like me that enough is enough, im trying to change me, and how i behave so that i am not allowing the pattern to continue. I cant change him, i cant make him show me compassion instead of hatred, but i can aim to get strong enough to walk away and live MY life, that is my only goal now, if he wants to be in my life he knows the changes he has to make and if he doesn't then there is nothing i can do about it.
Ruya, talk to your family and friends, don't let shame stop you, decide what you want and don't want from your partner, and visit this group and tha co dep group, it will help you be strong enough to stop tolerating abuse.
I've only begun to stop being to dependent ion him but i already feel so much happier,
Take care
Hazza

September 11, 1999
5:54 pm
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daizy
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Ruya,
It's easy for me to say what to do when I'm on the outside looking in, knowing it's much harder for you.
Your husband needs help. These issues he has, you can not change within him - he needs to see it for himself and he has to decide to make a change within himself...or it will never happen.
I have to disagree with couples who say they are staying together for the childrens sake. Consider how much happier and healthier a life the child will have being brought up in a healthy enviroment. Don't let your child learn the same traits as his father and so on and so forth.
My only suggestion is for you and your child to remove yourself from the situation. Like I said, it's easy for me to say when I'm not in your shoes, but consider your options and your welfare as well as your childs.

September 11, 1999
9:55 pm
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Anonymous
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Its great to hear from you Hazza, especially with such a healthier tone!

September 15, 1999
6:44 am
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ruya
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dear adytum,
i don't think our situations are similar at all. i also think that children should not be witnesses of ongoing differences between their parents. growing up with it, makes them crippled. growing up outside it but with enough love to shield them, will make them strong individuals and you can always explain later. they will understand. mine is just in kg.

September 15, 1999
6:53 am
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ruya
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dear hazza,daizy,tears,
i'm sorry for replying so late. yeah thanks a ton for that input hazza, keep writing. my husband is on his "be good" moods. makes it real hard. does'nt want to talk about anything. i'm feeling quite drained. i've told him if he raises his hand again i will ask him to leave. he's scared. but he's dependant on me financially. sometimes i think he's just buying time till he finishes training and finds a good job. i'm scared he'll take my child away from me. yeah, daizy, i do agree he needs help. today i can be a mother to him not a wife. part of me has just SWITCHED OFF!all that abuse has sort of numbed me. i only pity him. i want him to start life over without me. do yu think there's a chance he'll understand and move out? please keep writing.

September 15, 1999
9:10 am
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aiza
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ruya, hi. Its good you were able to share your problem. One good about is you were able share it or you could talk to somebody whom you could trust. You can probably visit church and talk to your pastor or priest and ask for advice. You have to think its not your fault or don't blame yourself on what happened on your marriage. Maybe you see a marraige counselor if you want too. Don't make hasty decisions. Good luck!

September 20, 1999
11:42 am
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hazza
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Hi ruya,
you can see all the latest of my wonderful relationship on co.dep 2!!!
it is as always one day at a time with these things, but i think we all now when they have crossed the line on no return, my partner crossed that line and he knows it, i don't think it will be long now. He has made an effort and stopped drinking but i don't know if i will ever trust him again, so i'm working on me right now, that is all we can do. I'll figure out what to do next when im feeling stronger
Hope you are well, take care and keep being strong, we have to get it through to them that we will not be disrespected anymore!
Hazza

September 22, 1999
1:27 am
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ruya
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hi hazza,
i've joined the codependants 2 gp as well. we will meet there. i'm literally hanging on now. no news from my husband after i told him that he would have to change and start afresh. this is worse this waiting and all the time wondering if we are being too harsh. i am also taking your advise and concentrating on me and my child. difficult but rewarding. thanks and god bless.
ruya

September 23, 1999
10:25 am
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hazza
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hi ruya,
just a thought ,but i think all the time we let them know that we want things to work out they seem to have a power over us, in my experience there was no change until i explained to him that it was not keeping the relationship alive that was important to me anymore, but making it a good one or giving up on it all together. He had no power left for blackmail, he was always threatening to end it now he couldn't use that threat. i realised that he was afraid of losing it as much as me.
All the time we are desperate for a continuation no matter what, we give in and compromise on things we don't want to,
you must decide if you have had enough of certain kins of behaviour, even if it means splitting up and then stick to what you want. it not easy i know, but things will get clearer the more you work on yourself and what you want out of life, once you know you can give him the option of being in your life, if he derseves to be
Take Care, remember i am where you are at, i don't always manage to do what i advise here myself, we have good and bad days, but i know that i must think of me first in life, and that is what im trying to do now
Hazza

September 23, 1999
12:21 pm
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to threaten to leave our mate is manipulation and control on our part. If we no longer want this stuff in our lives we no longer should do them ourselves. I dont want to offend Hazza, but this is something I have learned, to not do this to my mate. This is a persecutor role and creates a victim. It is best that we tell our mates that we are no longer going to "help" them in any way and that it is most important that we "help" ourselves. We put all our focus on ourselves first (and children) We dont hate our mates nor do we blame them ..(this is not excusing abusive behavior, this is just empowering ourselves as far as our own choices for our lives go- we were never in control of their abusive behavior BUT WE ARE IN CONTROL OF HOW WE REACT TO IT AND HOW WE TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT US) I am sure you understand hazza..love ya

September 24, 1999
1:54 am
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ruya
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tears,
there yu are with that touch of yours. i understand what you're saying. i'm trying now and i want to tell you that he is feeling very uncomfortable.. he is lying, pretending not to understand, bypassing the issues and does not want to sit down and talk to me. what do i do? this is as long as i don't ask too many questions, if i get irritated and raise my voice it will be blows!! i can't be there being what he wants , where he wants, how he wants and when he wants. this i have begun to realize that that was just what i was doing. so please tell me what to do tears.
love
ruya.

September 24, 1999
12:04 pm
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Anonymous
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GOD RUYA, BE THERE FOR YOURSELF. IF HE LOVED AND CARED FOR YOU, HE WOULD NOT HIT YOU RUYA. HE WOULD NOT HURT YOU SO BADLY. HE WOULD VALUE YOUR OPINION AND WANT YOUR TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. YOU ARE A PRISONER IN YOUR OWN LIFE. BREAK OUT NOW GIRL, BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.
PLEASE. LIFE IS SHORT, YOU CAN START OVER, THERE ARE NO LOSSES ONLY TEACHERS. HE WAS A TEACHER DISGUISED AS A INCONSIDERATE, MEAN, ANGRY JERK. ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON ADN LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE. NEVER DO THIS TO YOURSELF AGAIN. TALK TO US HERE FOR DAILY HELP. BLESSINGS.The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't
go on well in life until you let go of your past, failures and heartaches.
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them with our own image - otherwise, we love only the
reflection of ourselves we find in them.
Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want
to be. You have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want
in life.
Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been
disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayedGiving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love
you back. Do not expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their
hearts but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right
one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be
grateful for that gift.
bLESSINGS

September 25, 1999
1:57 am
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cynical
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Why would you want someone like that? Whats wrong with finding a mate who will treat you with respect and love? Whats wrong with standing up for yourself? Why would anyone want a liar, a cheat, a drunk, a drug abuser, a bully, a mental and physical abuser, a boy who thinks he's a man? Why would anyone want heartache and sorrow? Dont you know you dont have to deal with these things? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you not value yourself or your children if you have any? Where is your self respect? This message is for anyone who is in a relationship that is without love, respect, honesty, and commitment. If I offended anyone, well, I've just offended you then. It was meant as a wake up call.

September 27, 1999
7:33 am
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ruya
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dear tears,
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M GOING TO PRINT OUT YOURS AND CYNICAL'S REPLIES AND KEEP THEM. I'LL READ THEM WHEN I'M GOING WEAK, WHEN I START FEELING PITY. THANKS FOR BEING THERE TEARS AND THANKS AGAIN.
ruya.

September 27, 1999
7:40 am
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ruya
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dear cynical,
thanks for the message. its true, its a wake up call. this has made me so suspicious, i don't trust my closest friends. i have to recover, and start LIVING again. there's so much peer pressure, i'm asian; and i have a lot of problems to face if i'm going to seperate, but all of you are helping me so much and i think i will make it. i will keep in touch and i will love to hear from you always. thanks.
ruya.

September 27, 1999
7:55 am
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ruya
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dear tears,
i've wanted to write to you about this and i think i have mentioned it briefly in another thread, but hesitated even when i posted the previous reply to you. anyway i really need you to read this carefully and let me know what you think, i respect your judgement. my friend of 25 years, infact he's just a couple of years my senior at school; we've practically grown up together! well we were in and out of contact. somehow for the past couple of months we've been seeing each other. he knows what's happening and he's been very supportive. actually he is the one who made me come out of this mess and talk when all that i was doing was keep it all pent up inside. i owe my 'recovery' to this guy. well, i think we sort of fell in love. he is so gentle and kind and fantastic. BUT i was so adamant that i would not take the relationship beyond friendship NOT because i did not love him, but because i thought he deserved a full relationship and not with someone maimed by a broken marriage! well!i pushed and pushed so much that he is now not even willing to continue with our friendship. so closed was i with my own problems that i could not even see a complete and wholesome love that was being offered to me on a platter. i did not even let him hold my hand literally!! leave alone hug or a kiss! i thought i was being wise and today and i'm hurting because he's closed up: says "if you want to stay in the mess stay there!who am i to tell you to keep your eyes and heart open?" TEARS and CYNICAL, pleaease tell me what to do. i'm hurting so much and i'm lost without his help!AND most importantly i wonder whether i'll find such a wonderful guy again??????

September 29, 1999
7:30 am
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ruya
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tears WHERE ARE YOU??????????PLEASE WRITE

September 29, 1999
12:27 pm
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Anonymous
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Ruya honey I DID write. I dont know what happened to my post.????
I think you should tell this man what a great support he has been too you as well as a great friend. YOu are hurting and in need of healing right now and I do not think it would be a good idea to go into a relationship with this man untill you have healed and found yourself. He may seem great now but there is a chance he is of the same energy as your past man (if you know what i mean) you really need to get strong in yourself ruya before you can truly have a healthy relationship. Blessings

September 30, 1999
8:11 am
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hazza
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hi ruya,
tears is right. if he is right for you he will understand and wait for you to be ready
Hugs
Hazza

September 30, 1999
11:37 am
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confused mom of 3
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WELL I JUST WROTE A BIG LONG PAGE AND GOT BOOTED SO I GUESS ILL TRY AGAINIM A MOTHER OF 3 2 FROM AN ALCOHOLIC RELATIONSHIP,THERE IS SO MUCH RESENTMENT IN ME I DONT EVEN KNOW MYSELF ANYMORE ,AND I DONT LIKE WHAT IVE BECOME ....SO WHY DONT I JUST MAKE HIM GET OUT OF MY LIFE????????????????????????????/

October 1, 1999
3:52 am
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ruya
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thanks tears thanks so much. i agree with hazza too, if he is there, he's there for me when i'm strong enough. makes sense, but one feels so vulnerable. i really long to be loved and protected. i've gotten so used to be 'on the alert' all the time. coming out of this is going to take up mmuchchch more energy than i thought it would. tears please keep writing. thanks a ton hazza. hang in there. lots and lots of love. god bless.
ruya

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