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DO bad guys take all leads on dating and relationship?
April 22, 2009
3:01 am
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Slient Jaguar
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I could not sleep tonight. I came up with something on my mind about the bad guys. I have a hard time to tell if the guy is a good or bad guy. I wonder what are the red flags of the guy that he is a bad guy?

Do you think all bad guys take all leads on everything? What about good guys? I have experienced dating bad guys and they made first lead on me. Good guys did not come or made the first lead. I wonder if it is true? Please share your opinions about the bad guys and the good guys.

April 22, 2009
4:32 am
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mamacinnamon
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HI Silent Jaguar:

Still here? I cannot sleep either.

My thoughts...The second time I married I thought I was getting a good guy, he is a good man, just lied about a smokin dope problem. Anyway, a friend asked me some questions along the lines of what you are asking. Did he let me talk first? Did he let me give my opinion first and then his happened to be the same? I think it makes sense don't you?

April 22, 2009
11:46 am
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_anonymous
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Hmmmm that is an excellent question. I think the heart of what you are getting at is how to tell if a man is healthy or not.

Since I used to be a magnent for the dysfunctional/toxic type I could say just bring the man around me, if he is attracted then he's probably a bad guy (LOL). Just kidding.

IMHO there are two types of men who will take the lead one is a man who is about power and control manifesting the controlling side and the other is a confident man manifesting the confident side of him.

First, trust your feelings. If you feel that you have a bad feeling, run. If you have a good feeling, dont jump on the band wagon cause there is a bad boy who initially is charming, he knows all the right words and will charm the pants right off of you literally if you let him.

Relationships take time to cultivate. Instead of moving forward, STEP BACK. Take time to get to know a man and observe his behavior in a number of different situations. Listen to his words, but Believe his actions.

Part of recovery is gaining the skills and confidence to navigate relationships. Depending on the age and religion of the man some will ask you out, plan dates, try to provide and protect you with the best of intentions. A healthy woman can recognize that but also feel perfectly comfortable including herself in the plans, letting him know what she does and doesnt need. A bad guy in the beginning may come on like the most concerned, loving, caring person in the world until he gets what he wants, sex, control of you etc. But, if you take time and do not give a man sex, move in with him, etc. if he is bad it will reveal itself. In other words a good man will wait for sex a bad guy will pressure you, then threaten you or abandon you if you dont.

There is also the passive aggesive type of guy who will let you make all of the decisions, wait on you hand and foot then out of no where rage at you when he thinks he has you where he wants you.

Good question.

April 22, 2009
12:04 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Not quite that simple IMO. As a wise man once told me..."too much of anything is a bad thing." Good people and bad people come in all sorts of guises. Make that observation a hard rule and one could be turning away a lot of great self-confident people.

April 22, 2009
12:41 pm
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Fruitloop
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Destiny-love your answer. I've found that time and gut feelings have worked the best for me. And I'm talking about when choosing friends, business and romantic partners...all the people that I allow in my life. Thats the thing I struggle with now too, if a man shows interest in me..I wonder what is wrong with him.

I have always been a lover of people. Its my nature to take the lead and reach out and be friendly and inviting. I've seriously tweaked that over the last year with therapy but have come to realize that it is a gift that needs to be used wisely. Some people mistrust it because of their own issues but that is not my problem. I will have to prove myself as well as they have to prove themselves to me.
Silent- heres a book that has helped me its called how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved. Its not foolproof but its a start.

April 22, 2009
7:27 pm
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Slient Jaguar
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I know someone who is the passive-agressive type guy. He is interested in me, but I haven't had given him a chance to know me more. He seems like he is waiting for my lead.

I used to date the guys who made first leads with me. I never experienced doing any leads in the dating and relationship stage before. I always let the guy makes his move and it did go well for me.

Should I let him making my lead on him? He is emotionally abused and became as a passive-agressive guy. He told me that he is a black sheep in his family because of his disability. His family has nelgected him seriously.

Any suggestions?

April 22, 2009
7:44 pm
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_anonymous
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Fruitloop- Thank you for the compliment. The book you recommended sounds good, but I probably have already gooten involved with these men and have learned my lesson by now (sad to say).

April 22, 2009
7:57 pm
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Silent- You mentined Red Flags in your original post. In your last one I see a few:

1. history of being emotionally abuse
2. black sheep in his family
3. has disability (what type?)
4. his family has seriously neglected him
5. passive aggressive

Given all that. I dont see what benefit it would be for you to allow him in your life.

I dont see how you can even think about building a relationship with a person like that until they get professional help for their issues and learn healthy coping skills. Passive-agressive is very dysfunctional.

Do you find yourself looking upon him as a broken man that you are going to fix? If so you might have some codependent issues to work on.

Just cause this man isn't taking the lead does not by any means mean he's a good guy. I am not sure I would use that as a yard stick.

May I suggest that you keep posting and hang out here with us for a while until you figure it out.

April 22, 2009
8:19 pm
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Slient Jaguar
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Destinystar-

You are right. I do not know why I want to help him. I feel the ugrent to help people to make myself feel better.

If it is the codependent issue. Any reasons why I like to help people much as I can? I know I cannot fix people's problems. I do not have many friends, so I am trying to showing people that I can be a good friend with them.

April 23, 2009
10:52 am
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_anonymous
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Silent- You made an excellent observation about yourself. You believe that by helping people it will make you feel better. The same way a drug addict thinks taking drugs will make them feel better. The common thread here is the codependent is dependent on other peoples problems and a drug addict is dependent on drugs. When a codependent is trying to help people with their problems they dont have to deal with their own problems. When an addict is doing drugs they dont have to deal with their problems.

See, it is so much easier and socially acceptable if you can for example look at this mans problems. While you are talking about him it takes the focus off of you. While you are trying to help him you do so at your expense, cause it takes time away from you working on you.

When you put yourself all out there and seek out people who are needy, needing help, and take your help and seek your help all you are doing is creating situations where people can use you. All you are doing is attracting unhealthy people. Need does not = love.

With all your thoughts on this man and his issues you dont have to think about the work that you need to do on yourself.

The reason why you do this is so you dont have to take care of what is broken inside of you. Why? cause it is painful and you dont love yourself enough to take care of yourself.

April 24, 2009
9:35 pm
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Slient Jaguar
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DestinyStar-

You got me on the jackspot. You knew what you are talking about. I want to be honest with you. I have been broken for a long time all the way from my late adolescence years.

I do not know how to fix what has been broken inside of me. I am a socially pleaser to people to have them liking me. But I do not have any close friends in hand. I am getting tired of being pretend that everything will be okay.

April 24, 2009
11:07 pm
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_anonymous
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Silent- Hi. Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards fixing it. We all have a few pieces missing here so I think you fit right in.

I can totally understand how you would not know how to fix what is broken inside of you. That is why we have psychiatrists, psychologists, marriage and family therapists, etc. They have years of education and experience to 1. Identify your problem, 2. Figure out what is causing it 3. Set realistic goals 4. Come up with interventions so you can get better again.

If you cant afford therapy they have groups such as CODA (Codependents Anonyomous) etc. that you can attend and get support and understanding for the way you feel.

What is it that you want? Name it, anything from a finer car, bigger house, a better job, a vacation, etc. Let me know. I would love to hear about Silent Jaguar.

April 25, 2009
2:26 pm
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fantas
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Here is a list of red flags from Doris Day

From "How to Avoid a Dangerous Man before you get involved" by Sandra L. Brown ____________________________________________

Red Alert Behavioral Checklist

The emotional predator:

has a natural instinct for sensing vulnarable or "sensitive" women

senses women with low self esteem

senses women who want or require relationships in order to feel needed or fulfilled

senses women who are bored, lonely, or needy

senses women who are on the rebound from having been recently dumped, divorced, emotionally ignored, or wounded

senses women's body and eye language

listens closely to what a woman says in order to pick up clues he can use in later conversations

senses unfulfilled physical intimacy needs and sexual needs

creates a sense of fun and mystique to draw you in

is smooth and seems to have all the right lines and insights into you

comes on fast and strong and sweeps you off your feet

is overly interested in every detail of your life

wants to move in together or get married quickly

implies that he "knows" you well before he has spent enough time to really get to know you

pushes you to quickly disclose a lot about yourself to him

tries to fulfill your physical, financial, or emotional needs

seeks to fill roles in your life, such as advisor, father figure, spiritual leader, mentor

is overly helpful, comforting and understanding

has the exact same interests, values, hobbies, etc that you do

is a chameleon who can be all things to all people

April 27, 2009
12:34 pm
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Fruitloop
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Destiny--- see the above list from the book I mentioned. I thought I had dated every messed up man around but once I read that book, I realized I hadnt.

Some other red flags: plays the victim(oh look what so and so did/said etc), is overly helpful to other people(these are the passive/aggressive types), you feel sorry for him and mistake it for romantic interest.

April 27, 2009
1:06 pm
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sdesigns
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Fruitloop:

That book is so good- its my dating bible!

The last guy I dated was an emotional predator, emotionally unavailable AND had a hidden life- a true "combo pack" as the book calls it. But without that knowledge, I'd probably still be trying to make a relationship work that never had a chance.

It sure brings clarity to some of these guys. You know that feeling when something doesn't feel quite right? The book is a terrific aid to seeing right thru the BS.

sd

April 27, 2009
8:56 pm
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_anonymous
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Fruitloop- It sounds like a good book. When I got healthier I found that I no longer put my hand out and allow a man to lead me down the garden path. The first time I man says or does something inappropriate I call him out on it. Instead of playing the victim role. I dont just run out and date them. Instead I spend a lot of time with them on the phone interviewing them. When they find out that I am on to them, I usually win their respect, most are admitting they are wrong. Even on that note I steer clear of them. Realizing that they are clever enough to find the right words to try and rope me in. I dont want any more fixers. I dont want anyone at all. I just want to figure it all out on my own with out the divine intervention of a mate.

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