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Do all men cheat?-a survey
February 10, 2006
7:52 pm
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Anonymous
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I'd have to say no, not all men cheat. In my circle of friends and acquaintances, adultery is very, very rare. I've never indulged in it myself, and I don't know any from my circle who have.

February 10, 2006
8:07 pm
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Rasputin
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No! My dad never cheated on my mom, even tho they had been married for so many years, even tho my dad is very passionate one who married mom who is very practical and analytical.

No wonder I keep praying to God to grant my a hubby just like daddy!!!

February 10, 2006
10:06 pm
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kathygy
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In my last relationship my bf never cheated on me because he told me that it would effect our intimacy and he did not want that to happen. Our intimacy was too important to him. I felt the same way.

I think that cheating does that very thing. The more gratifying and sound the intamicy is between two people the less likely one will cheat.

I think cheating can be prevented by the partner who is tempted to cheat to telling their partner that they are feeling tempted and to talk about that before anything happens.

February 11, 2006
12:52 am
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FindingSelf
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I have never cheated - been in 3 long-term relationships (1 year or more) and left them all when I was unhappy, or been left when my exgf was unhappy. I don't see the point, and would rather not cause that kind of pain.

February 11, 2006
2:57 am
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bluesy
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February 11, 2006
3:06 am
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bluesy
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It will be 27 years this April 22 and I've never cheated once. Not that I haven't been tempted plenty (must be the hardwired male biology you spoke of). i can even say that I fell in love with another woman, but I still didn't cheat, even though we both really wanted to. I told my wife, as a way to sabotoge the relationship, to safeguard myself because I was feeling pretty weak. Know what? She already knew how I felt about the other person and said she had assumed that we were already sleeping with each other! Guess I was a lot more transparent than I thought.

February 11, 2006
3:44 am
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mamacinnamon
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Interesting subject.

Well, my perspective.

First time I was married 12 years and he cheated multiple times, I have no way of knowing how many and honestly don't want to know. I did not cheat.

Second marriage will soon be 14 years and my hubby has not cheated on me; nor me on him.

Hubby's first wife cheated on him.

So, that leaves 50/50 for the guys and 50/50 for the girls.

I also agree that the message of "I" and "everyone is entitled to do as they please" is the key to the problem. When there are consequences for actions the actions usually don't happen. But in a society that is a "free for all" there are no consequences, or aren't there. We now have blended families (I am one), dysfunctional children and families, codependency is off the roof, etc. etc. I could go on for a page.

February 11, 2006
8:11 pm
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hbdude2k
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Cheating is done in your relationship only because you have no intimacy. You are both afraid of this or that to tell each other or you assume on another etc. I have never cheated only because I would be the one to get caught. Just like I never took any drugs before because I would be the one to pass out dead just from trying it once. I grew up very codependent and with my codependency my thinking was just stupid, as all codependents minds think stupidly anyway. In a relationship, I think the cheating is done by your low self esteem, your accepting her hot vibes and saying to yourself(sometimes drunk), I am going to get some ass before it leaves....If I was with a girl now, she was hot, but a hotter girl came up to me and wanted some, there is no way in hell I could do it. Even if there was no way in hell my girl would find out, there is just no way I could do it. It would just make me feel so low that I couldn't make love to my girl. I would just be thinking about what I did...Now, if your intimacy is wrecked, there is no love making but once a month, she got fat and you just can't leave her because you feel sorry about her, then you would probably cheat. Like I say before, you would cheat because you have no intimacy with your girl or boyfriend. So, I really think it all depends on your current situation even if your male or female. You cheat because of many problems you don't want to face, thats what it boils down to. Its only a man thing because most men don't like to be intimate. Thats why it seems to be at a higher percentage of men cheating than women.

February 11, 2006
8:37 pm
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hopy
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My parents adore each other ,they never cheated (my grand Father, did;Mom side) My grand Mother did;my father side...
I was race with love and security (no lies,"or hided things,or mysterious #staff")
I don't care ,what kind of "professional psychologist" say ABOUT WHAT Supposedly HAP ENDS Millennium AGO,because not all of them are seeking help for they own psych problems ,and because I THINK IS A DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR PEOPLE THAT DOESN'T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF They OWN ACTIONS AND Consequences.
and, after "so many years of evolution of the conscience...??? are we still going to listen to this!!

February 11, 2006
8:47 pm
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Anonymous
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I think I live in a bubble. I live in a rural area and my "exposure" to life in the "fast lane" is somewhat limited.

But where I come from - no, cheating is not typical for anyone.

My parents both cheated on eachother. And my dad cheated four days after his marriage to mom - cuz he was drunk and out with the boys. Mom cheated many years later - but because the marriage was unfuffilling and she was gonna leave dad anyway...and did...but went back....they haven't cheated since.

Other than that - I don't know of anyone that cheated....that was, until my BF did it to me.

In the past - I dated guys - and when we were "off again" in our on-again/off-again relationship - yeah, I suspect they were with other people - but while we were "on again", no we were committed....but my current BF cheated on me - but he did it for reasons women typically do it - cuz the relationship was failing and he was looking for something else to turn to....wasn't just for sex like many men do.

I think that all men have the desire to be with other women - as we said - the visual part of their brains are wired differently than womens....but I think that's where integrity comes into play - someone who has good character and integrity would not commit to someone if they weren't truly ready to swear off all other women.....many men take commitment seriously - I just think that the idea of "nice guys finish last" bury those stories - and they don't get heard.

women rant and rave about how their men cheated on them - but you don't hear women rant and rave about how their men are faithful....it goes unnoticed....good news doesn't make the eleven o'clock news - crisis and negativity makes headlines.

so maybe it just SEEMS like guys all cheat...but I want to be more optimistic and hopeful that it's not like that.

February 12, 2006
10:21 am
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tootoughtodie
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Ii always amuses me when I read statements of the kind "...do ALL men cheat etc?". Let me ask everyone here a simple question: suppose ALL men cheat. Can anyone tell me WHO are they cheating WITH? Am I to assume that all the women involved in these cheating relationships are single?This is not to say that many men do not cheat but simply to point out that, from an intellectual honesty point of view, generalizing statements of this kind are really very simplistic and do not contribute anything to really understanding the underlying causes of infidelity.

For those interested in a very compelling theory about humans being a predominantly monogamous but heavily adulterous species, I recommend the book "Red Queen" by Matt Ridley.

I myself cheated on my partner of 11 years (first time I ever cheated) adn shortly afterwards ended the relationship. I can attest that, for me at least, the reason to cheat was not the sex (although that was exciting) but a total break of the emotional bond I had with my partner. I would be willing to bet that that is the case for far more men (and women) than is commonly thought.

February 12, 2006
11:18 am
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overcome
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I still don't get who decided that more men or mostly men cheat....that is crap! There is just far too much generalizing going on here! People cheat for sooooo many reasons....more than we can list here. It is certainly not just one or two or three reasons.

HBdude- "People cheat because there is no intimacy". Come on...perhaps somethimes this is true. But that is such a general statement.

Here is what I will say: Relationships are hard and it takes so much work and dedication and today's society does not have the mind set or the desire to work together. It is an "I" society! that is the biggest obstacle!!!!!!!!!!

February 12, 2006
3:27 pm
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darling
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Dear tootough, I am glad I could amuse you, although the point of my thread was not that or to place blame on men in general. I was speaking from personal experience, and maybe mine is different from yours and perhaps everyone else's as well. My question was IF all or most men cheat and IF they did not, why did they turn down the opportunity. I found your response condescending and hurtful. Again, the point of this thread was not to place blame or to suggest that I had any answers as to why people actually cheat-because I don't posess those answers.

February 12, 2006
8:54 pm
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kathygy
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I do not think this is an 'I' society as a general statement. I am not an 'I' person and have never been in a relationship with a man that was an 'I' person.

My attitude was always to work together to solve issues. The more I worked on myself the more I was able to develop an deep intimacy with my partner. In a deep intimacy an "I" approach would not work.

I believe that the healthier the partenrs are the more they will work at developing a deep intimacy which builds safety and trust.

I think honest communication is esstential for a healthy relationship. If the relationship is not working then there's a greater chance of cheating.

I have never cheated while in a committed relationship. Personal values also come into play.

I believe that fear of intimacy can lead to cheating because cheating is a sure fire way to avoid intimacy with the primary partner.

There are many reasons for cheating but I do not beleive that a relationship needs to involve cheating.

February 13, 2006
5:24 am
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tootoughtodie
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dear darling,

it was never my intent to hurt or be condescending. At the same time, I wonder why, if you only really wanted to hear opinions, the first paragraph of your initial posting reads so much like you are setting a context where men are "meant" to cheat whereas women don't.

Again, if we are going to have a good, robust discussion here, intellectual honesty seems pretty important to me.

February 13, 2006
6:04 am
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snowlover
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My ex-husband, who I was married to for 13 years never cheated on me. I was the first person he ever slept with actually. I, on the other hand, cheated on him many times. I cant believe Im admitting to this. I did it more times than I can count.

He was a VERY good man. But for the 15+ years we were together I wasnt satisfied. Im sure this sounds crazy, but he was TOO nice, TOO sweet, and TOO safe for me at the time. I was used to rocky relationships with a lot of tension, issues, rage, dysfunction, etc. He was almost TOO normal for me, and I didnt know how to deal with it.

My birth Mother commited suicide because she found out about the affair my Father was having with the woman who has been my stepmother for 36 years. It seems like infidelity has always been a part of my life. Most of my boyfriends had cheated on me when I was younger, so while I didnt like it, it seemed almost normal to me.

My current boyfriend, who I left my husband for was my first serious boyfriend 20 years ago. When I met him he was married to wife #1. He is now divorced from wife #2, and that divorce was because she cheated on him countless times. he claims he was innocent, but thats only because she doesnt KNOW about all the times he cheated on her with me while he and I were both married to other people.

In MY opinion, I think people either cheat or dont cheat based on their past relationships, the relationship their parents had, and what seems "normal" to them. If you arent emotionally healthy, then how can you possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone? I had no self respect for most of my life, so how could I possibly expect anyone else to have any respect for me?

Now that Im in therapy and am gaining some self-love and self resepect, Im a different person. I know for a fact I would NEVER cheat on anyone again. Im learning to set boundaries for myself, and for what i will and wont allow in my interpersonal relationships. Maybe that comes with age and maturity, I dont know.

I dont feel like men cheat more than women. Not because I was a cheater for many years, but because of all the relationships Ive seen fall apart from women doing the cheating. I think every one of us has the capability to cheat, but we have to make the CHOICE not to.

Snow

February 13, 2006
6:53 am
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Anonymous
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overcome,

{Here is what I will say: Relationships are hard and it takes so much work and dedication and today's society does not have the mind set or the desire to work together. It is an "I" society! that is the biggest obstacle!!!!!!!!!!}

I think you have a very good point. It wasn't until after my marriage broke up that I realized how much work it takes to maintain a relationship, and I, I'm sorry to admit, wasn't fully up to the task. I wasn't raised with a strong work ethic.

I think religious beliefs are another huge factor. There will ALWAYS be the temptation to cheat on one's partner. I was married for 21 years and was tempted more times than I can recall. Either my wife and I were going through difficult times and some other woman was kind to me, or I my eyes strayed and I noticed a pretty woman.

I never acted on these temptations; thank goodness. I credit that to my religious beliefs, because I think God is a partner to any relationship, and no matter what happens, he does not condone cheating. No excuses.

I also heard of a survey that concluded that religious beliefs are the overriding reason why women do not have more affairs than they do. The survey did not include men.

Seeker

February 13, 2006
7:40 am
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Anonymous
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Habit is also a significant factor that can prevent somebody from cheating on a partner.

Two months after I separated from my wife, I had the opportunity to have an affair. She was lonely that night, her husband was unavailable, and she was afraid she was going to be fired (she was the very next day).

She made some moves on me, but I was so into the habit of not cheating that I didn't recognize those signals, and it didn't occur to me until later what was going on.

Habit helped prevent me from cheating with her.

February 13, 2006
10:38 am
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scotopia
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I dont think that most people cheat at all. I think whatever it is thats in us to be cheaters (if we are) is felt by those that are the same way. If you have cheated then you likely are attrcted to someone with that same vibe and if you couldnt live with yourself if you cheated then you likely would not find someone like that attractive. You just never know. Some people that I have met have admitted to having cheated in past relationships and I dont bother hanging around them unless I feel safe that they want a change in their lives or have proven with their actions that they are happy with themselves so that they wouldnt search it out.

February 13, 2006
12:03 pm
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darling
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Dear tootough, In my initial posting, I referenced information gleaned from different sources. I am sorry if you thought I was implying that men are meant to cheat. I never said that women don't cheat. I am sure they do. I know some who have. I don't know very many men who have been faithful in long term relationships. In fact, I never asked for an opinion. I asked if there were any men reading that had been in a long term relationship who haven't cheated and why they chose not to.
Again, the "inellectual honesty" comment seems condescending to me. I do not appreciate it.

February 13, 2006
4:42 pm
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kathygy
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Seek,

I rellay don't think you can make sweeping gernalizations about this being an 'I' society.

My experience is very different. Part of that has to do with who your circle of friends are.

I think working on a relationship can have different meanings and feel very different dependent on how much each partner has worked on theirself and what working on a relationship means to them.

I actually find working on a relationship to be very gratifying and very intimate. I love the process. And the reason for that is when I have done that my partner and I have built a safe and respectful and loving environment to do that. It deepens the intimacy. I find there is a wonderful richness in that that I treasure.

February 13, 2006
10:07 pm
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Lisa1
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In defense of men who cheat, well defending this specific situation, My brother in law cheated on my sister. At first I was upset at this news, but when my sister explained to me the circumstances I changed. My sister worked 60-70 hours a week, spent her free time with the kids or sleeping. When he tried to talk to her or spend time with her she would pick fights with him. Yes I'm a female sticking up for a man, the reason, I cheated on my husband and used the same excuses that my brother in law used. So my thought is, why should it be ok for a woman to cheat but not a man

February 14, 2006
2:01 am
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gingerleigh
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Snow, just wanted to say thanks for sharing. It seems that on these threads there are more partners seeking support who have been cheated on than those who have cheated, and it can be hard to come forward with that information. I applaud your desire to work on yourself, hold yourself accountable, and try to help others understand your experiences.

February 14, 2006
3:22 am
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Philosuffer
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I've never cheated on a girlfriend. I've had about half of them cheat on me though. I think it is selfish and insensitive to say the least, but lots of men and women do it. To me it is such an obvious betrayel of trust and such a painful thing to do to someone that I can't imagine hurting someone over something so stupid. Be a man/woman and try to work things out, or at least have the decency to break up first.

The last woman I was with didn't believe me when I told her I had never cheated on a girlfriend. Then she accused me of seeing someone else, and a bunch of stuff that was just insane. But I digress...

No, I've never cheated on a girlfriend.

February 14, 2006
5:16 am
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snowlover
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Ginger,

Thank you very much for your kind words. Yes, it WAS hard to admit to my sins, but if Im to continue to become healthy and strong, I have to face my past demons.

You encouraging words meant a great deal to me!!

Hugs,
Snow

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