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DL
May 18, 2006
7:15 pm
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DL
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It was yesterday and after several counseling sessions I have now only myself to blame. I was in a 6 year relationship and he has been trying to end it for one week. I have not been able to let go. I realize it was my codependent behavior that ruined the good thing I had. Now I have to face what the outcome is. He does not want to stand by me in my progress in healing and I explained he is not my counselor but my best friend and he is not willing. He says i emotionally drain him. I feel so devalue and unworthy again. I was unable to sleep and get out of bed today till now.
Can;'t deal with the rejection and want to heal and more forward but don't feel like it at all. I just lost my best friend and someone I love.
I let him know I can't live in the past and changed what divided us but wanted to more foward with his support. He says people don't change. I am a work in progress. I said that life is a journey and if we don't stand by each other with things that come up wether that be death or depression or accidents then how can I even want to be with him. He is cruel that he doesn't even care for me enough to be my partner as I grow.
I feel sick both physically and mentally.
Life is horrible

May 18, 2006
7:48 pm
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loverbee
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My gosh I cannot imagine what you are going through. I have been with my bf going on six years, and he is my best friend. It would devastate me to lose his friendship. Sounds to me though like maybe he isn't such a good friend. I mean if he can't even be a friend to you then he is maybe a fair weather friend. I am sorry that you are going through this but you may have to begin to grieve. At first you may feel hope which I would say is denial and then maybe you can begin to accept that. I hope you stay strong and continue your progress.

May 18, 2006
11:30 pm
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gingerleigh
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DL, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. Many of us here, myself included, can empathize with you deeply, and I can tell you that it DOES get better, but it takes time. It sounds so trite, I know.

The early mornings were the worst for me.

Please keep talking here. I guarantee you that things will feel better in 21 days. Not perfect, and not great, but better. Just hang in there.

Do you work? Do you have friends? How are you occupying your time at the moment?

May 18, 2006
11:44 pm
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smarterone
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life definitely isnt wine and roses, its hard, so all i can say, is we will be here to talk, and bitch and moan, and yell, and scream, and be friends.\Donna

May 19, 2006
9:59 am
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dee1
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HI DL,

Im so sorry you re going through this pain. I know what it feels to have someone say to me that I emotionally drain him. I know its really painful but it sounds like he does nt understand you and its a horrible feeling. You just work on yourself and you ll be ok.
Love dee1.x

May 19, 2006
12:31 pm
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DL
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I appreciate the support and I attended a coda women's grp last evening which took everything I have. I know others are suffering also. Loverbee, understand right now that is the most painful things. I thought in this person I had just that, a friend. Gingerleigh I don't have a circle of friends and yes I work but have not been able to go for two days. How do you do the daily thing just showering. I want to hide almost embarrased that I allowed myself to be used and not valued for me.
I need to hear from you all to help me know I am ok.

May 19, 2006
12:42 pm
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gingerleigh
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When I encountered the worst breakup of my life, I found myself truly alone. I had my job where I could barely function, but I had no friends outside of work, and my family was 3000 miles away. It took me a while, but I had to find ways to be around other people. I did this through pursuing an activity that I loved (music), joined some community groups, and didn't push any friendships, just let them evolve over the next few years. And they did. In the beginning, I just participated in the group and enjoyed having people around me, because that in itself was healing for me. Some people find that joining a church fills the same sort of need for connection and common purpose.

I started taking baths, I remember that. I made getting clean and fresh smelling a goal, and when I accomplished it, I allowed myself to feel good about that. I told myself that I didn't have to do anything after bathing or showering, I could go back to bed if I wanted. But just I had to meet that one obligation. And I always without fail felt at least one iota better with hair that smelled good and maybe even toes that were painted.

Baby steps.

May 19, 2006
12:49 pm
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DL
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Gingerleigh
I know the steps you speak of seem easy. I know ... but I can't deal with anything this codependent obsessiveness and compulsive thinking will kill me.
I got out of bed for a cup of coffee but that was it so far. I just want to go away and have the pain dissappear I have to live thru the hurt so my counselor says. Not the end of the world she says.
Jennifer on this always writes time. Oh my God time let her hurry by then. I want the day to end and be asleep.
Thanks for listening.

May 19, 2006
12:53 pm
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gingerleigh
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You misunderstand, I didn't say the steps were easy. 🙂 You got that cup of coffee, you were able to turn on the computer and reach out for some human connection, that's definitely a start! Celebrate that!

May 19, 2006
12:54 pm
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DL
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I will, just want it all to be over and it seems I don't know how to celebrate the small things and I am dwelling on the pain.
I just need to feel ok again.

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