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divorcing and addict
September 9, 2005
11:57 pm
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married to an addict
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September 27, 2010
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I have been with my husband 7 years and knew abt the addiction to pain pills for last 2 years. i have recently found out that he actually has been addicted to one drug or antoher for the entire 7 years. How stupid was I lol. My husband gets bonuses every 3 months from work, only i didnt realize cause he has been handing over the entire 1500.00 bonus to drug debts each time. He blows threw money like crazy wants 100.00 at a time to go see friends for few hours, and to avoid conflict i give it to him!! i have begged him to stop even offered for him to quit work to go into treatment. he denies the prob. He simply switches from on pill to another and honestly things its an improvement. He wont talk abt it with me at all. gets irate if i bring it up. i have a 9 year old and a 2 year old and am done trying to chnge his addiction. Its time i move on and focus on myself and my kids. I have "threatened" too many times and he thinks ill never leave. I have realized that being married to me is only hurting his addiction cause its too "easy". I shelter him from consequences. how do i tell him I want a divorce when i dont know what drug he has done on any given night and what his reaction will be? HELP!

September 10, 2005
7:56 am
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lollipop3
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September 29, 2010
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Hi Married and welcome to the site.

I know first hand how difficult it can be to deal with an addict, as do many others here, so the first thing you need to realize is that you are not alone.

My suggestion to you would be to not make a descision right now (unless you are in danger). It is when we make descisions out of despair that we tend to "go back" and continue the cycle. Before you make a choice whether or not to end your marriage, I would encourage you to do some reading, attend Alanon meetings, see a therapist, etc. When you have a clear perspective you will be better able to make sound choices that you can live with.

Two great books to start with are....

1. Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood

2. Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.

These books may help to give you insight into your situation. If you find that you relate to anything in the books, you can talk to a therapist about it.

Alnon is a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics (or any addict), based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a wonderful place to go for wisdom, insight and encouragment in learning to deal with the affects of living with an addict.

There are also support groups for codependency, which you can find at http://www.coda.org.

This site is also a great place to come for support....so keep posting.

Good luck, I hope this helped.

Love,
Lolli

September 10, 2005
8:17 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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I totally agree with lolli.

little steps is another poster here that perhaps will answer too - she has been thru alot and has seemed to have a good grip (as do many others here) on the little steps toward freedom.

if you are in danger, don't worry about the material stuff and just take what you can, get out, and worry about the rest later - go someplace safe - get a network around you to help watch out for you.

if you are not in danger.

then start building your strength. do the reading that lolli mentions, do online research. put some money away in case you want to leave, look for apartments so you know what your options are, build a support network, so you are not alone.

a 12 step group like NA or al-anon or Coda will help you build your esteem and strength, as will a therapist.

start making friends, trying new hobbies, rebuild your life and esteem.

once you are a little more stable and the sting of finding out about the lies wears off, you may have a better idea of what to do, where to go, where to turn and how to discuss this with him.

come back here if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to lean on or just someone to talk to...remember, you are NOT alone.

September 10, 2005
9:59 am
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lilmissfixit
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September 29, 2010
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Dear Married,

I may not be able to help you, but your post has helped me.

This week I ended a 4-month relationship with an addict whom I'm still very much in love with. Walking away while I'm still in love is something I've never been able to do before, but since discovering that I'm codependent, I'm trying to behave in new ways. The old ways haven't worked for me and have kept me in unhealthy relationships for far too long.

Your post has given me a picture of what my future would look like if I decided to stay. It has reinforced the importance of staying strong and staying away.

As for you, it's never too late for you to finally decide that you've had enough. I agree with Lolli. Arm yourself with some knowledge of your own behaviors so you'll have an awareness of the role YOU have played in keeping yourself tied to this man. Once you're aware, what you need to do next will become more clear.

Love and support coming your way!

September 10, 2005
12:49 pm
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CAMER
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September 30, 2010
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i agree with all of the above...get out now....and if he doesn;t go to NA or get some serious help, your only choice would be to end the marriage, its not healthy for you or your children to be with this type of man who chooses drugs over his family.

love, camer

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