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divorcing a parent
June 16, 2000
12:41 pm
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Brenda
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I am curious, has anyone here had to do this?
I would love to hear their experiences, thankyou.

June 16, 2000
9:33 pm
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janes
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No not the actual legal part...I feel I have "divvorced myself" from her annoying contriling nagging etc.

did hear of a kid in florida who did it.

For an adult I think the issues would have to be MAJOR to do the legal stuff...if we are strong enough to just say NO or even move awy from them why bother with the expense of an attorney.

June 17, 2000
12:09 am
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Brenda
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OH NO i didnt mean legal at all, im talking about adults divorcing their abusive parents....emotionally..:)

June 25, 2000
2:08 am
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vositor
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I did it for four years, Brenda. THe four years just ended.

The problem was my mother (that's probably the reason for my problems with my daughter).

The people who were hurt by it were me and my father, particularly my father.

I had a turn of heart when I found out my dad is getting too frail to walk anywhere, and took dinner over for father's day last week. I watched his spirits lift from the time we arrived until the time we left. It was the fact of having us together again, although he didn't belabor the point. I will never ditch him again, no matter what crap I have to listen to from my mother in order to see him.

My daughter showed up, too - invited by my mother. I still don't hear from or try to contact my daughter. She was also happy to have us all together again. Go figure. The reason for the division in the family is that I put my foot down to my mother and then my daughter - and they've turned ME into the bad guy.

It doesn't matter actually - my father knows, I know and apparently God knows.

Anyway, I thank God I had the chance to get back to my father before it's too late. I don't know why it happened, but I'm grateful.

If there's a way around it, Brenda, I hope you find it.

June 25, 2000
8:34 am
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Spirit
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It took me years to detach myself from my mother's controlling behavior. I allowed myself a period of no contact with her, then spent that time working on me. It can still get tricky not falling back into the parent/child roles, but since I have tools in place I can recognize the triggers and defuse them. We have a grownup to grownup relationship now. We both enjoy each other, in small doses, when we get together. I still let her mother me, until it becomes a controlling issue, and she lets me mother her when she needs it, like now. She was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and will go into the hospital for surgery next week. For her and her body this is extremely touchy. Out of all the people in her life, I am the only one who really knows what she is experiencing, because I have learned all I can about her, as a human and as a body with illness. Detaching from her way back when was the best thing I did, because now, at a time when she needs me to be me, I'm here for her.

June 25, 2000
1:18 pm
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vositor
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Well, yes, stepping back makes you see things differently.

When I "divorced" my mother, though, it was not for a therapeutic separation. It was to punish her.

I had to sacrifice my relationship with my father, because the two come as a set. There wasn't a day that went by I didn't think about my father, who'd certainly done nothing wrong.

I really suffered - more than I ever suffered from my mother's idiocy - and I hurt my father. It wasn't worthwhile.

The problem all along was me - I hadn't made the complete emotional separation I should have made from my mother in the course of growing up. I think she discouraged it, but I also think it should have happened on its own much sooner than it did. A lot of wasted time.

June 26, 2000
8:24 am
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Spirit
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Vositor: Jump for joy that you did learn the lesson, and that there is still time to be with your father, and time to rework your relationship with your mother. I wonder if mothers don't want their children to grow up and grow wiser because they, themselves are afraid of growing older? To be honest with you, I always felt that my main purpose as a mother was to teach my children how to be the very best human being they could be, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and loving. Once done, it has always been up to them to choose the path they walk down as they progress into adulthood and beyond. Never do I want either of them to do things my way. They have separate paths to follow than mine, and sometimes it has bitten me on the backside, because they felt I didn't care what they did or didn't do with their lives. Far from the truth, but yet, close enough. Its not about not caring, its about letting them go to find who they are and their purpose on this earth. Unlike my mother, I bit my tongue several times when I thought one or the other was making a wrong choice. Alas, I feel as if they divorced me anyway. They preferred to have their stepmom telling them how to run their lives, and which direction to point their feet in. Someday, don't know when, they will realize that they have to continue on their own, make their own choices and dust theirselves off when they fall. Early twenties is a good time for self discovery... Thanks for letting me voice this, its been a while since I took a look at the realities of parent/child relationships. We could write a book, eh...

June 27, 2000
12:02 am
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Frieda
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I felt like my Mother divorced me and the rest of my family when she left us. My little brother wrote her a letter and signed it, "your ex-son." I don't know if I severred well then or not. I think I would have survived it, but then she came back. Remarried my Dad, had my baby sister who was fathered by someone else. I have had little or no real relationship with her since before the firsr divorce (they divorced again 3 yrs. later) But we have always been polite and cheerful in our conversations. They are superficial and leave me feeling scummy. I would love to write her off. I feel I would have nothing to lose if I never had any contact with her again. But then there is guilt. Honor your mother... She isn't controlling. She's never really cared about what decisions I made when. She is in a service position helping troubled teens. Maybe my trouble was that I wasn't troubled. I was a good student and didn't get pregnant till after I got married. Too bad I wasn't more trouble. Maybe I could've had a mom.

So what do you think? Should I try to have a real relationship now? Assuming I can work through my anger and profound hurt, of course. Or can I work on all that and write her off? I think I would only write her off to hurt her, and I'm afraid she wouldn't BE hurt. I haven't seen her for years. She hasn't seen her grandkids. We talk quarterly, maybe. Opposite ends of the continent.

Thanks for letting my download. Maybe I don't need a divorce-- just an anullment...

June 27, 2000
8:00 am
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Spirit
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Erma Bombeck said it best: Families, the ties that bind and gag us.

I believe its harder for a daughter to "divorce" herself from her mother than it is for sons. There is always that fairytale ending we seek in our relationship with mother. Some women are moms, some are mothers...

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