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Divorced - He's critically injured - what is my role?
May 18, 2004
6:48 am
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Koala
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I was divorced in 12/2003 - my 2nd marriage. We met 5yrs ago at a rehab for alcoholism. Such dreams we both had. To "Keep It Simple" - I gave him my money, a destroyed my self-esteem and I not only allowed emotional abuse of myself but did not intervene quickly enough for my son. I relapsed and he got hooked on RX medication - of course it was "my fault". Well - 2 1/2 weeks ago he was in a car accident that left him paralyzed permanently from the chest down. Wow, that was a scenario I played out. He asked to see me and I have gone once and taken a few calls. Even from his bed and after the divorce he still can turn me inside out with guilt - like, if you hadn't drank I would have been able to have a relationship with your son. Am I just getting sucked back in because of guilt? It took everything to walk away when he was physically healthy. Bottom line - I want to let go of past resentments but I don't want to give up on myself again. Words of wisdom appreciated!!

May 18, 2004
7:30 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Koala,

So many people feel that letting go of past resentments means letting the person/people who have hurt you back into you life. That is not true, you can let go of past resentments, but it is YOUR choice if you choose to have interaction with them again.

You do not have children with this man. Yes, you were married, on some level you will always care for him. But in no way was you divorcing him the cause of him having an accident. Don't fall for the guilt trip. If he makes you feel this bad, honestly the answer is quite simple. Don't interact with him.

Good luck.

Z.

May 22, 2004
11:54 pm
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Koala
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Thank you for your response. This has been a very difficult situation. It is so easy to get pulled back in again. For the first time in what seems like forever I have started to build a life for myself and children and I'm proud of my accomplishments. Perhaps the best I can do is pray for him.

Thanks for the support!

May 23, 2004
1:24 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Koala, it is so easy to get sucked back in again. Even if you do feel guilty about things you've done in the past, it isn't your fault that he didn't have a relationship with your son or your fault that he was in an accident. You said he was emotionally abusive. You needn't really say more than that to know that he is indeed trying to put you on a real guilt trip. You're divorced from him now. It isn't your place to have to come in contact with him at all, for your sake and for your family's sake. Sometimes all we can do to protect ourselves and our loved ones is to walk away and as you said, praying for him, which would be especially good for you and for him. Be glad you've accomplished what you have because anyone here will tell you that it is not easy and that you have to work hard mentally to achieve a new life. Enjoy it, and remember, you don't have to feel guilty about anything anymore (easier said than done, I know), but look how far you've come!!!! You do indeed have choices now, and you know that you can make the right ones!!! W.

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