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divorce when in love?
December 6, 2000
1:50 pm
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leonar
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I hope someone can help, I am a 38 yr old married male and my wife of 3 yrs has a problem with sex, she just has no need for it. she has never been abused or raped, and she insists it is'nt anything that I cause,
she is just not into sex, is this normal? are there really people like that? She was a virgin until the age of 26 with me as her only lover (intercourse) she has had boyfriends and has had oral sex but she says she saved coitus for her marriage.

were both unhappy and I'm sexually frustrated, My wife says she would rather I get a girlfiend who understands the situation
than get divorced.
I believe I would feel wierd doing that but I
too do not want to get divorced. we are good friends and we love each other.

Please help

December 6, 2000
1:56 pm
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Cici
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Have you considered couples therapy? I mean, there are people out there with little or no desire for sex, but this can sometimes be treated. Also, if one person is unhappy in the relationship, there is a problem and it needs to be addressed. Sometimes a therapist can help facilitate discussions between a husband and wife and teach communication skills that we take for granted and sometimes haven't even learned yet!

I do hope a reolution is reached.

My fiance and I were talking with my fiance's uncle, a minister who counsels couples before they get married. He took me aside and told me that sex isn't always spontaneous or amazing, but it IS a duty in a marriage. It sounds archaic and strange, but it helped me.

December 6, 2000
3:07 pm
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leonar
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thank you for your candor, I understand that it may be a duty, but if you treat it as such is it enjoyable? Sometimes my wife will just lay there because she feels it is her duty, but it makes me feel like a rapist or something like that, I can't just make love to someone if I know their not into it or doing it just for me. Does that sound crazy to you?

December 6, 2000
5:42 pm
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gingerleigh
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Sex is a very important part of marriage, along with emotional, intellectual and spritual components. I know a lot of women like your wife who feel that way about sex. They don't hate it or love it, and will have it if their partner really wants it. It's never a joy for them.

This could happen for a few reasons... societal conditioning makes us both adore and keep secret the sex act, making some people perhaps ashamed. Self esteem has a lot to do with it to (feeling comfortable with your body is key to enjoying sex). Energy levels could have something to do with it, caused by diet or stress or hormone levels. Or perhaps a burried and forgotten issue with sex from the past might be getting in the way.

A couple of things to try...

this is an important issue, and it sounds like you love her and she loves you. She's probably be willing to do the couple's counseling thing.

See if she has any fantasies that she has always played out in her head. They might not be overtly sexual, but it might give you some insight into how her sexual mind works. Besides, it's kind of fun to share that information in a trusting environment.

Approach a lovemaking session and put your own needs *completely* out of your head for a while and experiment to see what gives her pleasure. Don't even let her touch you. (She might be approaching sex as a way to please a man rather than a way to please herself, and maybe turning her on to that experience is all that is needed.)

I know I'm just blathering on here, but consider her background... is she from a small town, big city, conservative family, hippie parents? How did her family treat the issue of sex? Was it a taboo subject? Did she date much in high school?

Good luck, I hope that you both can "get together" soon.

December 11, 2000
1:02 pm
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leonar
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Sounds like great advice. I will give it a shot. and by the way, she comes from a very conservative family and did not date very much in high school or college.

December 12, 2000
12:51 pm
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Tweety
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My husband and I went through a similiar situation where I was no longer interested in sex. First of all I was on hormone medication that took away my sex drive and I felt that the sex was just monotonous. Is your wife under any medication? It almost tore us apart. I'm not on mine anymore and we talked over what we want and need. We did different things to spice up our sex life. We're having troubles now of our own but sex is not the problem. We are fine in that area. We even watch adult videos together and that really gets us going. If she's willing you might want to try it. Just remember that this is all between you and your wife so there is nothing to be ashamed or embarressed about as long as you both keep it behind closed doors and and it makes you both happy.

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