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Divorce hearing on Thursday... numb
August 31, 2005
11:08 pm
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gingerleigh
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That's all I feel right now. Just numb. Tomorrow is the day, I will see my husband in person for the first time in nearly 4 months. And it will be in honor of dissolving our marriage. It feels like the marriage that never was. Failure... or just correcting a mistake? I don't know.

August 31, 2005
11:14 pm
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hollow
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Mistakes can be solved together. Now that I now-realize that I had a serious identity problem I'm fixing myself but with out a marriage to show for it. She replaced me almost immediately, I wish her well but her cheating reeks of rebound. If you think he's capable of coming round due to the threat of this date I'd give him a chance. Remember even divorce need not be the end, weirder things have happened--not needing some one doesn't mean you can no longer love them.

September 1, 2005
12:45 am
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exoticflower
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(((((((((gingerleigh)))))))))), I do feel for you. Give yourself a nice night of sleep, and remember that you are losing something from the past but still gaining so many chances for a better future, one you really do deserve and always have.

September 1, 2005
12:51 am
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mamacinnamon
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((((( gingerleigh )))))

Tomorrow will be tough, but you stand tall and strong and you wil get thru. Then take the time to grieve, heal, figure out who you are and what you want.

You'll be fine.

September 1, 2005
10:30 am
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gingerleigh
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It's 7:30am here, and I'm nervous and tense. I know that this is the right thing to do, and that I just want this to be over. Really, nothing will change, not even my name really, because I never changed it in the first place. And even if I have a meltdown in the courtroom and end up crying I'm sure it won't be the first or the last time the judge will have seen it.

September has always felt like a time of new beginnings to me. Please wish me peace as I start my new journey.

September 1, 2005
10:41 am
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exoticflower
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Gingerleigh, losing a marriage is a big thing no matter that it is for the best. If you want to cry, then do it. You need to express those emotions to heal, and you deserve to have whatever emotions come naturally to you. I think a lot of times we see pain as weakness, but apropriate pain is not at all, it is a sign of strenght really: it takes a brave strong person to admit that they are hurting and let it out not afraid that someone wants to hurt them with their own pain.

I think that is a good thought to hold onto about September and New Beginings. Maybe see yourself as a tree, a strong lovely oak, letting go of the blanket of leaves that where the past seasons. Shedding the remains of what doesn't work anymore is really the only way to allow those new and beutiful blossoms by the spring. Also, it blockes out nicely, fall is time to sort of reflect on the loss and greiving, drinking a lot of tea and spending a lot of quiet time, winter is good for exceptance to sort of work its way in, there are lots of loved ones and celebrations to be thrilled to find that you made it well through and even enjoyed...and like a tree, a wonderful time to do a lot of the inside work in preperation for the spring. When you step out and unfold your new blossoms and let them thrive.

September 1, 2005
10:41 am
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taj64
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Hello, it is going to be a hard day yet a day of relief. It is the end of something that was once important. It is also the beginning of other things to come. Of course I wish you luck but I have a feeling you will come through with flying colors because I sense your strength. There is a song out there, by Green Day, wake me up when September ends..something like that anyway. So picture him at the hearing, him standing there naked and trying to cover himself. It seems silly but in situations like that, laughter goes a long way.

September 1, 2005
10:55 am
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gofigure
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(((gingerleigh)))

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I will think of you throughout the day and wish you the full weight of your inner strength. You will get through this and continue on your healthy path.

September 1, 2005
12:50 pm
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gingerleigh
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Thank you so much for the outpouring of support, everyone. My husband is a good man, and I am a good woman. We both hurt the other in ways that neither of us could forgive or forget, so we are parting ways. Being alone is forcing me to confront so many scary things about myself. Another thread was posted recently about infidelity... I have been unfaithful, but the infidelity in all cases was facilitated by alcohol (not making excuses here, but it's so much harder to make good choices when we make that first bad choice to take that drink in a situation where we should clearly stay sober). So is the abuse of alcohol my problem? Well, it sure isn't the solution, and it only makes things worse. But it's what I've been using to mask my general unhappiness with my life and perhaps just with myself as a person.

I'm so very sorry for dragging my husband through this process of my own self-discovery, but I suppose that if he weren't such a fixer or didn't have such deep issues of his own, he would have recognized as well that I was not healthy enough to make a good marriage under normal circumstances, let alone what we went through.

So, let the healing and self-forgiveness begin.

September 2, 2005
11:37 am
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gingerleigh
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It was the fastest thing I've ever seen. Literally we were standing in front of the judge for less than a minute before she said, "You are hereby divorced, good luck to both of you." The end.

Of course we went out for a drink afterwards to celebrate and we had a long and enjoyable talk, just like old times almost. He dropped me off at my car, and I drove home, had a difficult night sleeping, and now I'm just miserable and cannot stop crying. It's over, I should be glad! But I'm just so overwhelmed and sad.

Is this normal?

September 2, 2005
11:56 am
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mj
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(((((((((((gingerleigh))))))))))))))

It is very normal to feel grief after any loss. Be gentle, feel your pain and you will heal eventually.

September 2, 2005
12:01 pm
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gofigure
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(((gingerleigh)))
As mj said, you need to give yourself permission to grieve. Regardless of the fact that you may have wanted the divorce, remember: it is still a loss. Take the time you need and try your very best not to beat up on yourself.

September 2, 2005
4:15 pm
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gingerleigh
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Wasn't this what I wanted?

September 2, 2005
5:21 pm
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lollipop3
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Ginger,

I think it is very normal to grieve over the breakup of a marriage, whether it was good for you or not.

A lot of times, we grieve not so much for the loss itself but for the fantasy that we had built for ourselves.

There will be times that you second guess yourself and your decision. We all do that. When things are not going so well for us, we think back and "romantisize" what "could have been". When that happens, just remember that there were real reasons that you divorced. Try to concentrate on your recovery and how far you have come.

For now, just take it one day at time. And remember....we are here for you.

Take care....

Love,
Lolli

September 2, 2005
9:47 pm
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gingerleigh
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Thank you Lolli. The love that I feel from every direction is overwhelming. I hate myself so much, but I shouldn't because such wonderful people love me and are there for me. SO there must be something good about me. I still think that deep down I am a good person. I really believe that. Now I just need to live my life like I do believe it. No more demeaning myself, lowering my standards, doing things that I wouldn't want televised on CNN. Except tonight... well, they can televise it if they want. I'm sitting alone in my house listening to R&B drinking wine (yep, self-medicating) and crying my eyes out. But it's needed. I haven't really felt in so long. I'm extremely intelligent in some ways, but so poor at dealing with my feelings. I guess it's time I learned how.

September 2, 2005
10:38 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Ginger)))

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad. I hope that you follow through on what you said in your last post....."no more demeaning myself, lowering my standards, etc...."

What would make you think that you are not a good person? Because you are not perfect???? I got news for ya girlfriend....no one is.

Try to focus on the postive. You mentioned that you are extremely intelligent. Why not just leave it at that. No buts....just "I am extremely intelligent."

HHEEEYYYYY, this reminds me......I'm still waiting on that homework assignment I gave you last week.

Let me remind you in case you don't remember.....

The assignment given was for you to write a list of ALL of your postive qualities. Anything that you like about yourself, your accomplishments, things that you are proud of, etc.etc. I would love to see that list but I would understand if you wanted to keep it private.....as long as you do it.

Here I will start it for you......

Ginger's list of positive:

1. I am extremely intelligent

Now, it's your turn....

Love,
Lolli

September 3, 2005
9:57 am
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gingerleigh
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I feel a little weird trying to list out my positive attributes. Somewhere along the line I was taught that I should work very hard and accomplish much, but then not tell anyone.

I am an accomplished musician. In high school I was recognized as one of the best players in 13 states. Although I have not done anything with music professionally, my involvement in music has continued at the community level and is what keeps my spirit alive.

I have a good and solid career in the IT field as a project manager.

I am fiscally responsible and independent. I don't rely on anyone to support me financially.

I've been told that I'm funny.

I write extremely well, and can be verbally very articulate when pressed.

I am not afraid to try new things.

I don't know Lolli, somehow this just doesn't feel geniune. When does this shell-shocked feeling go away?

September 3, 2005
10:53 am
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lollipop3
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Hi Ginger,

I know that it doesn't FEEL genuine right now but it IS genuine. Those are great things that you listed and they are true.

You are so used to thinking negatively that it just comes naturally. Thinking and saying positive things is not the norm so it feels uncomfortable. The more you say positive things, the easier it gets.

I read a lot of Kathy's posts about talking to herself in the mirror and telling her reflection how much she loves her. I could be wrong but I'm willing to bet that didn't feel very natural to her the first time she did it (we'll have to ask her). But now, it is evident that she does it everyday and it makes her feel really good.

It was the same for me when my therapist suggested that I take some "lollipop" time. One night a week that I stayed alone....no b/f, no friends, no phone.....just me. Well, at first I felt downright stupid, especially considering my b/f lives downstairs! I would say "ok, I need my 'lollipop' night so I'll see you tomorrow", then I'd go upstairs, sit by myself, bored out of my tits, thinking.....this is f#@$ing stupid. BUT, I kept doing it and now I actually look forward to my "lollipop" nights alone. I watch movies that I've wanted to see, I read, take a nice bath, clean my house, pig out on junk food, go to bed early....whatever.

I realize it is uncomfortable for you right now, but as Dr.Phil says, you don't get rid of old habits....you replace them with new ones.

Your list was a great start and I thank you for sharing it with me.

I'm going away for the weekend, so I'll check in when I get back. In the meantime, try to think positive.

Love,
Lolli

September 3, 2005
2:10 pm
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gingerleigh
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Thank you for the words of encouragement. I've been doing something I haven't done in a long time, reaching out to everyone I know and just trying to be around people, tell them that I'm hurting and let them love me.

I picked up my wedding dress today. Ex and I got married real quick before he went to Iraq, and we had planned to do the wedding ceremony when he got back, it would have been last weekend. So I picked up the dress, and it really was beautiful, is beautiful, and next week I will take it to a consignment shop to have them sell it for me. I hope that it will make some other bride out there very happy.

And now all I have to do is kill some time between now and 3:45, because I'm getting my hair cut and colored. I'm single. I'm thin. I'm young (at least by my standards) and I can't let this stop me completely.

My house is a total mess. I should clean it.

September 3, 2005
8:57 pm
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gingerleigh
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Damn you should see my hair. I just had it cut and colored. It's a whole new me. OK, no one will probably notice a thing, but I do. I like it.

I am so thankful for this website. It's gotten me through some really hard times. And I'm sure that it will get me through more of them.

September 3, 2005
10:03 pm
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gingerleigh
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I've been called up to go out tonight with girlfriends. I declined. I feel bad, like maybe I should go, but I feel like I would just get depressed and sad. Especially since the girls I'd be going with are all breathtakingly beautiful and I'm a wallflower compared to them. I'm taking some me time tonight. A girlfriend gave me aromatherapy bath stuff. I think I'll use it.

September 3, 2005
10:07 pm
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22haha
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Ginger,
I hope you are are feeling o.k. tonight. I just read this thread and I'm sorry you have been hurting so much over this. I guess it is difficult to let things go, even when it is for the best. I'm sure your new hair cut and color looks fabulous. Maybe I should try that!?!? I'm single, I'm thin and I'm young too.... seems we should be loving life instead of being unhappy. Happiness is something we create... lets go out and create it!! Hugs to you. 22

September 3, 2005
10:24 pm
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Rasputin
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(((((Ginger)))))

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know how it goes. I am going thru tough time right now. So, it seems that every one has so much on their own plates.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

September 5, 2005
10:49 pm
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mj
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Just checking in to see how you are doing? I am so glad you are reaching out and expressing your true feelings.
(((((((((((Ginger))))))))))))))

September 6, 2005
11:48 am
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gingerleigh
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Good morning all. I am still around, still having my highs and lows. I forced myself to go for a run this morning and I feel better for it, which is why I run in the first place, duhhh... so I see that if I start to take care of myself better that maybe life will start to feel better too. Funny how that works. Of course, last night I took care of myself by eating an entire barbeque chicken pizza by myself followed by two Michelob Ultras (yuck) and was asleep by 9pm. But that was hella-good pizza.

My emotions are still all across the board, and my hair still stinks like hair dye, and the house is still messy but I just don't care. Today I feel ok, and September is always a good time of renewal, and being so damn thankful for what we do have.

And I'm also thankful that I have a therapy appointment today. I can really really use it.

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