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distancing myself from alcoholic
January 31, 2006
9:54 pm
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hopeful for change
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I am in a huge process of healing and changing. In the beginning I was really focused on everything my husband (the alcholic) was and wasn't doing. However I have started detatching and working on myself. I have found alot of meaningful and insightful things recently.

One of the marriage problems has been besides the neglect of his responsibilites etc. was a sexless emotionless non intamcy marriage.

I stopped wondering why he won't give me these things and started worrying about me. I have been sleeping on the couch because I want to. I had tried talking to him several times and he just shuts down and rejects me, refuses communication. So after the last one, I have distanced myself took my hands off his problems. I wrote him a letter and took responsibility for alot of things, trying to control him, change him etc. I gave a deep felt honest letter telling him that I was sorry. That I had hoped we could work out our marriage but I couldn't do it alone. I told him I realized he is who he is and I can't change that. That I didn't know if our marriage was gonna work out or not, I hope it did, but right now I am focusing on me.

I got no response to my letter that was four days ago. I tried the letter because I can't talk to him. He has never brought it up, comes home everynight drinking...just nothing. I feel like I have shut him off emotionally, I can't trust him with my feelings. I don't know if this is wrong. I wasn't trying to control him in my letter, but I feel just not even acknowledging its existense or the existences of our problems is pretty strange. For years I have been the only one trying.

It's hard for me to go to bed and "pretend" I don't even want to sleep there. I feel "distanced" although Not obsessing on him. I just dont know if I am disassociating from the pain or if this is how it should be.

I know this is long and rambling...just wanted insight. I have made significant progress in myself. I have been doing Inner child work for the first time. I hope that when I accomplish this that alot of things will change within myself like needing love from others feeling abandoned etc.

Thanks for listening.

January 31, 2006
10:12 pm
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taj64
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It sounds like you at the beginning stages of some hard work but trying. Thought it is hard, you have put yourself first, that is the first step. Your husband will come around when he is ready, and if he too is willing to do the hard work, but only he can do that. Just keep hanging in there for now, day to day, minute by minutes if you have to. Living with an alchoholic is extremely difficult. I too was married to one. I got out of mine. I just didn't feel we connected even if he had stayed sober. He is now sober and I don't wish to get back together since our breakup of 10 years ago. He regrets it but i don't. I care about him a lot but not enough to live with him again. He didn't take care of me or my needs. I didn't trust him. I don't know if I could and even if I could I would be settling.

January 31, 2006
11:21 pm
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turnabout
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**It's hard for me to go to bed and "pretend" I don't even want to sleep there. I feel "distanced" although Not obsessing on him. I just dont know if I am disassociating from the pain or if this is how it should be.**

I'm not sure what you mean here. It's hard for you do pretend that you do want to sleep there or pretend that you do? B/c earlier you said you had chosen to sleep on the couch.

Pretense is a big part of being involved w/ an alcoholic, and probably the biggest habit to break. A person doesn't have to have an alcoholic partner to be consumed w/ pretense, after all. It's a big challenge putting an end to the coping mechanisms we've put in place, like pretending nothing's wrong or pretending we aren't hurt by what they do to keep them feeling "safe" in the relationship.

But something to consider is that pretense is a lie... it's a deception designed to keep us in our comfort zones. But, taking the example above, is it fair to try making a person feel secure in a relationship that isn't secure? Truth doesn't devastate. It's a pretense's unveiling, its inevitable crumbling, which will devastate a person.

Didn't mean to pick out one thing you said and fixate on it. Not making assumptions about your situation. That statement just struck me, probably b/c I've been working on those themes in myself lately.

Wish you well.

February 1, 2006
1:04 am
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turnabout
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**It's hard for you do pretend that you do want to sleep there or pretend that you do?**

And I said I wasn't sure what YOU meant!!! Argh! That should have said, "It's hard for you to pretend that you do want to sleep there or pretend that you don't?"

Maybe you got the gist anyway, but just in case... :^)

February 1, 2006
4:54 am
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hopeful for change
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I guess what I mean about sleeping on the couch is that I use to get mad at him for whatever reason and go sleep there. I always wanted him to come out and say Oh Baby Please come to bed. He never did that _ I even told him I wished he did.

Now we aren't fighting, I just don't want to sleep in the bed with him, I don't feel like Pretending everything is ok. Which he loves to do and not talk about anyting. Right now I just want to be on the couch. I feel myself distanced from him emotionally right now. I am not even sad about it, I am just focusing on me.

February 1, 2006
5:23 am
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angel4U
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Hi hopeful -

I am sorry you are in such a crummy state right now!

RE: "I wasn't trying to control him in my letter, but I feel just not even acknowledging its existense or the existences of our problems is pretty strange."

I think you did the absolute right thing by opening up and telling him how you are feeling, and that you are no longer giving up your needs while he stays in denial and refuses to be a partner ... without sharing this, you are living in denial just like he is, and it leaves no chance for things ever to change.

I just posted something on another thread that I think will help support this ...
the thread title is: "What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-Dependency?" (a4u)

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.

RE: "I feel like I have shut him off emotionally, I can't trust him with my feelings. I don't know if this is wrong."

- My guess is that you can't trust him because he is giving you all the reasons NOT to trust him (treating you with disrespect, ignoring you, not caring about your needs/wants), right? Would you trust a friend that did this to you? Marriage does not = Trust. Open, honest communication with love & respect is what makes Trust happen.

RE: " For years I have been the only one trying."

- Healthy relationships require a give & take from both parties (it doesn't always have to be 50-50, but 100-0 should never be allowed unless someone is absolutely sick and seeking help). Without it, one party will always become resentful, just like you are feeling now, and in my opinion it is well warranted. Sometimes backing off and giving them a chance to do some of the work helps. But in your situation my concern is that you say he is an alcoholic. My experience says that unless he realizes the impact this is having on his life and does something to find out why he drinks and works on it, nothing will change with him.

In the meantime, keep working on you! You sound like you are getting healthier and taking the right steps!

Hugs comin' atcha!

angel4u

February 1, 2006
1:27 pm
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hopeful for change
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Thank you so much for your support and insight. Sometimes I wonder if I am headed in the right direction, or second guess myself. Just like the things you referred to, I can't trust him with my emotions, hell Every single time I try to even talk to him about anything of any importance, I get shut down like slapped in the face again. His excuse is he is just not emotional..I always bring up the same things..He is just a happy go lucky guy and I dwell on things to much.

I have been the only one trying for years. He says he has changed because he doesnt' hang out at the bars everynight now. Whatever thats all about him and I need to take care of me.

Thanks for validating how I am feeling.

February 1, 2006
1:52 pm
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haveaheart
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Wow, your life sounds like my life. My husband and I don't talk about anything either. It's like we're pretending everything is fine unless something happens, like his DWI or finances, etc. I've started to try to work on myself, too. It is helping. I am able to confront situations that three weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to. I am still obsessing about something that happened three years ago that I should have taken care of. My husband and I don't sleep together either. I don't want to. I think he thinks if we have sex everything will be all right, when in my mind, it won't; it will just mask the problems. Well, I know I didn't help you any but thanks for listening.

February 1, 2006
6:02 pm
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haveaheart it always helps to know your not alone. I don't ever have to worry about the sex thing though he never even touches me, and now I finally don't want hm to. I thought I was doing better with my emotions bu I feel really kinda sad about it all right now. I feel like calling him and blaming him and trying to force him to love me again, but I am not. I'm tired of the rejection. I am trying to deteatch and put the focus back on me. It's hiss loss

February 3, 2006
9:28 pm
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I am still distanced...I have been focusing on myself. I feel I have emotionally shut him out I guess I just pretty much just ignore him or speak very little to him when he is around, I guess that's not detatching with love. However every single night he is drunk and never ever wants to address any problem or emotion so what's the point.

A few minutes ago I was just having a conversation with him, I said I feel isolate living out here - we live about 30 minutes from the city. He said well why don't you move. It pissed me off....and I am sure that was his intention. Very frustrated right now.

February 11, 2006
10:05 am
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goninsane
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In regard to your last post. I think he is just being defensive. And you need to not let it get to you. He is going to be defensive. Just like you my husband does the same thing and he makes excuses for why he drinks. Everything deserves to be celebrated. Or at least it did. You need to be strong for you. You need to start looking out for you and not engulf yourself in his problems. you told him about how you felt and if he is not going to change now then he's not going to change. until he see's that he has a problem there is nothing you can do but take care of YOU.

I think it is great that you are finally looking out for yourself from him and you've taken a BIG step for yourself and for him. You both have just been going through the motions fo being together and it's about time you stopped and smelled the roses for yourself. I knew long ago that my husband had a problem. I knew when I was pregnant with our first son but I chose to stay in the relationship hoping he would change. he did change completely but he stopped drinking everyday. Now he only goes out once a week and he refuses to stop doing that. To his defense he is stuck home with our kids all day and thru the week and I know he needs some adult interaction but he doesn't realize he can do other things NOT associated w/ alcohol or a bar. He makes his own excuses as to why he drinks. Just like your mate he may be suppressing something or who knows what but don't obssess over his problems b/c you will only feed into him.

You need to start feeding your own soul as you have been doing. It is a hard and long road. I have only begun this journey as you have but I know that I am in a battle w/ myself and my own soul for the right answers. Listen to that voice you hear telling you what to do. Be strong and know that you are not alone. Keep your head up and remember that no one can gaurd your heart and soul but you.

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