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Distance or coodependency?!? Please help
November 8, 2001
3:32 pm
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kateSF
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September 24, 2010
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I tried distancing myself from my bf because I felt I was becoming far too dependent on him. It was hard to distant myself, but now that I have I feel scared... like I can't undo the distance. I feel really far away from him and wonder if I even love him. I know I must, but it is weird now. He has a lot of emotional issues, but overall is a wonderful person. I have read some of Melody Beattie's books like Codependent No More, so I knew the thing to do was to distance myself. I am now busy doing things which are in my best interest, but I don't find myself enjoying them. I feel like a piece of me is missing and I don't know how to get it back. I still spend some time with my bf, but I don't enjoy that like I used to either. I used to try to spend every second with him, so being more independent is good for me, but I feel cold... emotionally cut off from the world. How do I regain the closeness I had in my relationship without loosing myself again? I am scared. I feel like my relationship is fallnig apart and I am worried that maybe he feels the same detachment to me that I feel to him because he only spends some time with me like I am now starting to do with him. We are both putting ourselves first, but I feel much less in love with him when I put myself first, and I'm afraid that's what he feels which is why he puts himself first. I know this doesn't make much sense, but I hope someone out there understands me. I don't know what I should do? Keep distancing myself, or go back to how I used to be?

November 8, 2001
4:19 pm
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Molly
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Your growing, so like the old shoes don't maybe feel the same ?
Perhaps you feel cold and emotionally cut off because your being really careful trying on the new more independent you. We sometimes put up walls of self protection, until we are ready. Its no doubt that the relationship doesn't feel the same, your a little different, he is a little different, and both of you just might have that self protective wall up. I think the longer you focus on you, experience that emotional independence, that chill you feel will warm up, you will feel a different sense of self confidence, and will demand that in a mate, or a date. You will recognize a clinger when he walks in the room, and you won't go for that. We usually attract people at the same emotional level, healthy, unhealthy, co-dependent, or independent. As a young woman out there today, I dont' think you can be to independent! Once that confidence level is a part of you and you truly own it, then you will be ready for an equal, and have a chance at a healthy relationship. Stay focused, your on track, change takes time. So, needless to say, I vote to keep the distance, but you allready knew that didn't you ?

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