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Dishonest Friendships
April 19, 2000
1:33 pm
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AS
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I'm an only child in his twenties and I've never been so lonely in my life. I didn't have a happy childhood; my parents are hard-working professionals, never showing affection towards each other let alone me. There have always been arguments in our household (I would say one a day at least). As a child I was never hugged or told that I was loved. My parents never encouraged me to have friends. My mother never treated my few close friends well.

Enough of the sob story. 6 months ago I met somebody who I was immediately attracted to. I didn't have the courage to tell her this, and it wasn't long before I saw her with a string of guys. Despite them, I still liked her and as I got to know her personality, I liked her even more. The fact that she hugs me and shows me plenty of affection may contribute to my adoration for her (I'm sure that's got something to do with my childhood). We've become friends now. But, I instinctively want it to be more. I think about her all the time (infatuated) and my whole life has been altered by her. My work has suffered, I've become depressed (because I know she would never like me back since I know the type of guys she goes for and it ain't me!) Every time she went with a guy, I was hurt but I always hid it. She once, through a mutual friend, asked me if I liked her more than a friend. I furiously denied it to her and others who speculated in fear that our friendship might disappear if I admitted it. About two weeks ago, she got together with someone who she's been very good friends with for the past two months. They are serious. They are going abroad together for five weeks, she's dreaming about marriage, babies, etc.. She's totally smitten about this guy. Should I tell her the way I've felt about her all this time? She could want to discard me as a friend because I've lied to her. The way she acts around me could change. In fact, she has mentioned to me before that if she were to ever have a negative impact on a friend, she would not want to be friends. Still, I want to be honest because it's not much of a friendship if I'm not. What shall I do? Dilemma....

April 20, 2000
5:15 am
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dunc
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She will never know unless you tell her. If she treats you as less than a friend than before, she probably wasn't much of a friend. She should be flattered that you care so much.
GO FOR IT!

April 20, 2000
6:39 am
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janes
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I wrote you a note but it isn't here. So I will share with you again.

I would sy tell her also. But temper it with the idea that you value her friendship, realize she would feel you are not her type and that you chose to maintain the friendship.
Then the ball is in her court so to speak. You will open yourself to a heartful of hurt in this manner. Please realize that..

More importantly...telling us of your childhood is not just a sob story. Our childhoods and the amount of nurturing we get from our caregivers is a key part of our success in relationships when we are adults. (I think)

Until you come to terms with the lack of warmth you recieved from your parents you will be seeking that from a mate. Mates are not supposed to parent us. Not totally.

I would suggest that you find a counselor you can work with and go through your childhood with them. You need to fill the emptyness left by the lack of hugs and praise. I personaly do not feel this emptiness can be filled by a peer. (love relationship)

The two relationships are different and should be filling different needs.

You are not ill. You sound like you will go through life a productive member of society. But the feelings you missed in shildhood may (I think) haunt your adulthood unless you explore the loss you feel, the resentment about how you (and your friends) were treated and so forth.

Your parents probly wern't "bad" just unknowing. However, your life may suffer unless you sort out and grieve that loss.

Let us know how everything goes.

April 20, 2000
10:24 am
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AS
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I am also toying with the idea that I should not tell her. Once I see her with her boyfriend and I get used to it, I probably won't feel that way about her. I'm quite comfortable discussing her boyfriend with her and I wonder if telling her will make our relationship better. Sure I will have been honest with her, but the friendship is likely to deteriorate as a result. At the same time, I don't want to look back 10 years down the line and think that she never knew how I felt about her. I might on the other hand even remember that I felt something for her. Aaaagggggghhhh!!! I still need more advice to help make up my mind. Please!!

April 20, 2000
11:01 am
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everblue
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Hi AS,

I have to disagree with telling her. It would be the right thing to do if you were the only person involved, but you are not. If she is really happy with the man she is dating, it is not fair for you to throw problems into that relationship. Even is she could have feelings for you, she won't realize it while she is in a happy relationship with someone else. At best, she will resent you for waiting until now to tell her and will think you expect her to change something between the two of you. I've been in her position many times, unfortunately, so I know how it feels. The only way good can come of it is if she is secretly in love with you and waiting for your declaration, which probably just isn't likely, or she wouldn't be discussing her boyfriend with you. If you just can't go on without telling her, at least give it some time to see if she will become single again, and then you can tell her. It's just not fair to her to do it when she is with someone. It will make your friendship uncomfortable and put pressure on her to keep things right. If she can't handle that pressure, she will just back away from the friendship. Sorry to sound pessimistic, but it's just experience talking. Good luck.

April 20, 2000
10:52 pm
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curiousity
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i think you should oso tell her how you feel... i think it is only been FAIR to you.. tell her how you felt.. and maybe emphasize that you don't intent to break both her and her bf up...TELL HER..be fair to urself..

April 21, 2000
9:19 am
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AS
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I know it's going to hurt me to see her and her boyfriend together. If I tell her, then I could help me get over it (couldn't it?). But, then I could get over by seeing them together, kissing, etc... anyway. I've been very tempted to just get a printed copy of this thread and give it to her. It would explain my feelings much better than I could explain it to her in words.

April 22, 2000
8:54 am
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janes
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You could do that...If you did it to me I might not understand...

Regardless if you tell her or not you are going to have to adjust to the fact she is with someone else.

Give her a copy AND tell her in words.

Don't forget to start working on you too.

This kind of stuff wiill keep happening if you don't deal with your own issues.

Good luck

April 22, 2000
10:50 am
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curiousity
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yap..i agree that you can also print a copy and give it to her... I think maybe a little explaination or another card will do the job well... and "DO WHAT YOUR HEART WANT TO DO"... and give it to her... I hope that after you had finish giving it to her you will be able to carry on with your life.... and forget her...

Anyways...gd luck to u and all the bests

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