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Disgusted!!
February 6, 2007
12:06 pm
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emerald
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I need a bit of help. I've been with my boyfriend now for 6 months and we are really in love and very happy together. A few weeks ago he told me that he had slept with a prostitute before he met me while at a bachelor party weekend away in prague!
I cant get it out of my head and i feel disgusted every time i think of it. Ive told him how feel and he says he is ashamed of it and reassured me that he would never cheat on me!
Although i cant help judging him for doing such a thing!
He says that it is quiet common for men to sleep with prostitutes! I am confused and have fixed feelings about the issue..
What do you guys think?

February 6, 2007
12:17 pm
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southgoingzax
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umm..yuck. I'm with you - a man who would sleep with a prostitute has some serious issues with how he views women, IMO. But if you care for this guy and he really is sorry, you're going to have to find a way to move past it, if you can. I think it would be hard for me, too. good luck,

zax

February 6, 2007
12:18 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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well, part of getting to know a person is getting to know their secrets...and it's good he shared that with you even tho he was ashamed of it...so it shows he trusts you.

I don't think that because he did it he is at risk for cheating on you...it was before you met.

I think he IS evading responsibility by saying all men do it...cuz I don't believe that.

The question really comes down to - did he have safe sex, are you guys having safe sex...and do you believe he would never do it again?

It mostly comes down to trust and moral character...is this the only thing he does that bothers you, or is there more? If it was this one incident, I would say it could be acceptable...people do stupid things. But if he has a pattern of bad choices...then it's time to reconsider your relationship with him.

In the end, you have to do what you feel right...if it feels bad to be with him now, perhaps it's time to move on. If you feel that his values do not match yours, then maybe you aren't a good match.

In the end, the past can't be changed....so, you have a choice to either stay with him and accept it, or move on. Staying with him and punishing him for it isn't the right or healthy choice.

February 6, 2007
2:45 pm
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Loralei
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It is probably more common than you think. Men can separate sex from love. In fact, the types of sex some have with prostitutes, they probably wouldn't even consider having with their girlfriend or wife. If he wasn't in a relationship when he indulged in this, then it gives you no reason to distrust him. But you may want him to get tested for HIV and STD's to be on the safe side.

You are fortunate that he felt close enough to you to confess this. If you react badly and hold this against him, he will never tell you another secret. Practice acceptance.

February 6, 2007
2:52 pm
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Matteo
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A prostitute is a woman, a living, breathing human being just like everyone else. I would be definitively concerned about safe sex issue, not so much that she was a prostitute. I have no idea how common is for men to sleep with prostitutes, but probably more common than anyone would care to admit, judging from the fact that prostitution exists and prospers. Aside from that, to think about it...what's the difference between sleeping with a prostitute and having a one night stand, which some people do all the time, especially when making an impression that it is going to be more than just one-time sex? What is more honest? Maybe the money he paid her helped her to feed her child. You never know.

February 6, 2007
2:58 pm
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reachingout
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I tgink this was something he felt asamed of and thats why he felt he had to tell you otherwise you would have never known so try to move passed he told out of love I think

February 6, 2007
3:00 pm
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southgoingzax
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My point is, do you want to be with a guy that can and does separate sex and love? Leaving the prostitute out of this, it bothers me that he would think it was "OKAY" to have sex with a woman for money. Because it is exploitation, in my mind, even where it is legal. Now, the fact that he is ashamed and feels bad, great, it indicates he has a conscience. But it's you and your moral standards that are important here - if you feel he crossed a definite, immutable line and you can never get over it, then that's fine. You don't have to "accept" it. You don't have to be thankful that he shared that with you. Why would something like that come up? Was it really necessary to tell you or was he trying to assuage his own guilt? I wonder if it would have been better if he had never told you - sometimes discretion is better than disclosure.

Anyway, my point is, if you feel like you can never get over it, then make it a deal breaker, and tell him that. I think it's fine to do that - but if you believe you can move past this and that his apology/guilt is sincere, then you'll have to figure out how to accept his past and move on. I don't care how common it is - it is still behavior that shows a disturbing lack of respect towards women. But YOU have to decide what you can accept.

February 6, 2007
4:21 pm
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caraway
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emerald,

If this happened before you and your boyfriend understands that you will not be with someone who engages in this type of activity, this is not a big deal.

I think that this is more like a "rite of passage" that some men chose to go through. A large number of our grandfathers and fathers have done this and it isn't even illigal everywhere. As long as he was safe and isn't still doing it; Let it go.

I can't believe that he told you; he must really trust you.

Cary

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