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Disconnected from husband and marriage
February 24, 2000
7:58 pm
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Searcher
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September 24, 2010
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Hello,
Does any one else there feel as if they are just going through the motions in their marriage?
I am pregnant and we have children together, but he works six days a week and we rarely if ever spend connected time together.
I feel as if I lost myself for this marriage and "family"
I want so much to start my own life because I feel as if I dont have one. Dont get me wrong I value my role as mother but as wife I dont feel as if i am needed.
He parties most fri nites with his friends leaving us with only sat and sun. He usually vegetates cause he works so hard during the week and then we watch a movie or go for a walk on sunday or saturday ( if he isnt working ) He feels that he fulfills his role by bringing home the dough and a once a week screw, but that just makes me feel unloved, unvalued and fed up!
I had so many dreams and still have them, yet I am afraid to walk out on this marriage cause I still love him and have so much hope for us. It seems all my energy is put into trying to maintain this marriage and my children and there is nothing left for me.
Can any one relate?

February 25, 2000
5:43 pm
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Neelie
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September 30, 2010
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Have you told him how you feel?
Sometimes they just don't understand what women need. They don't even understand what they need! Tell him how lonely you are..see if it helps.
How come he's out partying and you're not? why not go out on "dates" with him? It's a blast. Pretend you just met... keep the conversation on just you two not the kids. Have some fun.

February 26, 2000
2:40 am
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gladly
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Searcher,
My husband works while I stay home with our son. I do feel that when he walks through the door, he should be ready for fathering and husbanding. All the hours he is absent do not exist in my conscious mind, so I have a hard time realizing that he, too, is tired of doing what he must all day at work. I have been dancing to our son's tune all day, and I am ready for a break, adult conversation, meet my needs!
While my husband has just made it through the door when he is ready to collapse in a chair in front of the TV, and for me to soothe and pamper HIM!
I am a person with hopes and goals, and creative fire, but motherhood puts the brakes on all that. You have to be fairly selfless for a fairly long time to raise a small child, there is no way around it, unless you are a jet setting movie star with a nanny, cook and maid. My best tips are..Touch him. You loved him once, you love him now, you are just tired and frustrated! Realize he doesn't know that to enjoy sex, you need to have a clean, orderly house, small children beautifully cared for and unable to interrupt. You need to be clean, and not too worried or tense, but not so tired that you will fall asleep as soon as you hit a soft surface. You need his love and appreciation, and time for him to bring you out of your worried mind, and into your clean relaxed body.
Your problems are temporary, your love for each other is supreme. Read "The Little Prince" to learn how to appreciate the one man in the world who is yours. The best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. Put the love out there, and he is a fool if he doesn't pick it up. Plus, you had better show up on some of those Friday nights!

February 26, 2000
7:55 pm
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janes
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I agree with glady but have the feeling that your husband may not be into this father thing.. I'd be uspset about the Friday nights..but I remember early in our marriage we would go to my husbands parents and he would leave me there for hours while he went to see his friends. He is real embarassed aoubt it now.
the disconnected feeling will get worse if you don't do something now. Our kids are now 13 through 20 and people in the community are surprised when they see my husbans and I together..that's just how it gets sometimes.
REad read read read read read read...all about codependency, finding your self, etc etc. etc.
You have to do someting now or the love you feel won't last. It will turn to disgust and loathing.
As a woman you are the only creature that can enable your spouse to live on through the ages... Wake him up...
If nothing else...get a sitter on Friday nights and go out with your friends...or to a movie or take your self to dinner etc....
Love yourself LOTS and your husband may wonder why your doing it..and start to see your worth again
good luck

February 28, 2000
5:54 pm
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BROC
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September 29, 2010
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janes,

who are you. i feel as though you and i are on the same page. hazza and i are close.

gladly,

i am glad janes mentioned codependency. it is such a, well, almost negative word in my opinion, and especially to those that don't really know what it means. You have the indicatiors. It is fixable. Read. How about a trip to the couselor? Tune up for you? AS janes pointed out, things will only get worse.

broc

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