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Disassociated self.. blyxx here
November 26, 2006
7:09 pm
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blyxx
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I think I want to be left completely alone by everyone. Not have any contact with anyone who can have an intelligent conversation with me, because at the end it just hurts. I'm thinking I should escape, fake a death, and live in the forest. Maybe survive til winter.

Is this an abnormal thought? I've been so depressed lately. I don't know what to do.

November 27, 2006
1:51 am
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Soulsister
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I'm sorry you are so depressed. I was thinking that you were handling this..very well. More so then in the past.

I do know what you mean..about not wanting to get to know people. It's hard to take the time..get to know someone..and when you care for them..and things don't work out..to want to try again. It seems easier..just to put up a wall..but then what?? Even though things didn't work out with IE..doesn't mean that it wasn't worth the good feelings you had for her..and the fun you did have. You have to take risks..and you will get hurt sometimes..but if you don't take the risks..then you don't get to feel the good feelings..of meeting someone..and falling in love. The feeling of the first kiss. The good things have to be worth trying again..to feel those things again..in hopes that maybe this time..it will last a little longer. maybe even turn into something more. Maybe even be the person you will marry. You just never know...Love Soul

November 27, 2006
2:55 am
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blyxx
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i dont want to bother getting to know anyone.

i'm broke, and need to go to school too, and pay my sister back, and my mom back. but i'm broke. how do you do that? she's getting married and then going to move to europe. you know, not once has she asked how I feel about that. not once.

i dont want to get to know anyone anymore, you put the effort into getting to know them and it's not worth it anymore. i want to disappear.

i did deal with the breakup rather well. and as for the good feelings.. they were good feelings WITH her, and my mind likes to never let me forget. for example, any kiss in my car reminds me of J. The girl who won't talk to me because she has a boyfriend. I still can't believe she deleted me off her myspace. I was so nice to her, but I guess I was too nice, she probably got beat by her wonderful bf for talking to me. 🙁 There's some more guilt for me.

The last few days (meaning thanksgiving weekend) I've barely talked. I've been so depressed. My food has consisted of a bowl of chili, a bowl of cereal, and a piece of garlic bread. Since friday. Which would explain why today when I was driving why my clutch leg could barely press down the clutch. Heh. And when I did press down the clutch, it was shaky.

I want to not be here. Living with someone who is going to get married, or plans on it, and being completely alone... Hurts. It just hurts. I want to go away.

I really don't think it's worth trying for again, because no one is trying for me. Give me some friends, or give me a lover. I don't care, I want one of them. I'm incapable of having either.

I'm amazing. How I got this messed up is beyond me.

November 27, 2006
5:04 am
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garfield9547
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hi Blyxx

Reading your thread I can see that you feel abandoned bc your sister is getting married and leaving.

You have been close to her and it must be hard emotionally on you. Have you spoken to her about your feelings?

i think to a certain extent this happens to lots of people. I remember how my brother cried the day I got married. He never cried before and he just told me he could not believe that I am getting married. It was like a shock to him emotionally.

You need to speak to her blyxx. Get rid of all the built up emotions.
And make sure you eat. That will have a immediate effect on the way you feel.

Love

Garfield

November 27, 2006
10:03 am
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blyxx
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Have you ever spoken to a brick wall? My sister is about that selfish. I'm not going to talk to her.

November 27, 2006
10:56 am
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mamacinnamon
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BLYXX:

Yeah, I've spoken to that brick wall. Just want to kick it sometimes to see if it will move don't ya. My dealins w/ the brick wall is to say sit your behind down for 2 minutes coz i have something I want to say and I want you to look at me and HEAR ME. This she'd sit down for you for 2 minutes? Otherwise, try writing a letter and leave it in the top of her purse or somewhere you know she will definitely see it. Most folks will read a letter coz we humans are the curious type. Don't look for her to not move tho. She will. But if ya'll resolve this before she goes you could set up regular scheduled phone calls or writing to fill the void. A scheduled webcam and mic meeting ever so often is great coz then you can see and talk directly like you were there.

As for not eating. When you don't eat properly (like I'm not the one to talk here but I will anyway) then it messes w/ your brain chemicals, your hormones, your body function overall. It will cause the despression to be worse or even to set in. Eat please. You'll be amazed at the difference.

Does mom or sis bother you about paying them back? If not then table it for now. Put down how much you owe them and then when you get in a position that you can pay them back do so, or put a dollar or so in an envelope w/ a running total of what you owe them.

YOU are the only one who can fight your way out of how you feel. I'm sorry about the gf but some folks are just not compassionate and do not see what a good thing they had. Her loss not yours. I know it doesn't feel that way but it is.

Don't worry about meeting folks for now. Work on the depression. Then after you have it under control Put yourself in places to meet folks. You won't make friends by sitting home. Have you gone thru the book Codependent No More?

November 27, 2006
8:55 pm
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blyxx
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i dont know if i can read books. it's always been a struggle for me to actually read. so many other things i could be doing. i want to read, but i dont want to waste my time reading. does that make any sense?

my sister bothers me about money daily. my mom tells me that i can pay her back when i get the chance, and she is always there to help, but she doesn't have a lot of money either.

eventually i'll be caught up, plus in one more month i will have a raise at the new job. It's almost mandatory. Plus they really like me and how much I've done.

Or they could fire me because I don't move fast enough for them when I'm moving as fast as I can go. I am a bottleneck at the company. I have about 100 things coming to me per day and I get through 30-70 a day. The thing is... That 100 that comes to me is coming from 10 different people. So they only do 10 things each, and I'm expected to do 100. Not to mention the other tasks I've been given.

I did manage to eat a hot pocket for breakfast and a bowl of cereal (just now).. I know it's backwards. I don't care.

I'm not compassionate either. I just want to hit people constantly. Hit them, go to jail. Have nothing to do, except read. Then I'll read that book.

November 27, 2006
10:21 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I have the same problem you do when it comes to reading. Always something else I could be doing.

I like to get books on cassette from the library. That way I can do the other things that need done and listen to the book also.

November 28, 2006
12:05 am
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blyxx
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i'm not sure if i'd be able to do that and do other things. I tried it with Davinci Code.. but I had to end up sitting down and paying attention to the reading than to do other things.

It's hard for me to do something that involves thinking without my imagination taking over. Probably why I have so many other problems... Because my mind likes to run off and make stories.. But I do write really good stories.

November 28, 2006
1:07 am
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mamacinnamon
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Have you ever put those stories to paper? I'd like to see a bit of your work if you are up to it.

🙂

November 28, 2006
1:39 am
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blyxx
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hardly ever... just sometimes i write them to people over instant messaging.. SoulSister may know of one or two.. I model them mostly after dreams, but sometimes I'll write something completely from my head.

Only when I'm in a hyper-manic mood though do I have anything worth reading. Otherwise it's all just mindless dribble on par with Bukowski's cynicism. Maybe I can find something... i wrote a poem on here not long ago.. Didn't get any bites. I thought it very good. Oh well... If you find the title, it was called.. "My rebuttal: dating"

Perhaps I'll share my other stuff that I've written in here... just because.

November 28, 2006
1:40 am
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blyxx
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digital
------
if by me your mind should stray,
off worn ship you will stay.
creaking planks speak no more
when you knock upon this door.

dance below on moonlight,
like rain on starry sea.
give our souls to the night
to dance eternally.

reveal all, rising sun.
the night's fun is all done.
recall our rendezvous
our sweet hidden taboo.

i'd sell my soul once more,
if you knock on this door,
and on moonlight we'd play
but this time you would stay.

November 28, 2006
1:41 am
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I'll run look for it. It is not titled as to anything I would have opened. I know nothing about dating. I'll see what I can find.

November 28, 2006
1:41 am
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blyxx
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Uninventive
-----
"Follow the crowd and you'll be happy."
That is what they say, well at least what they mean.
"Reciprocate; give back what you receive."
This is what they imagine, but what few do.

There is no creativity in your mind
There may be none in mine - either.
You don't see the world as I do.
Does that make you a lesser person?

How can you live the way you do?
Following trends; singing already sung songs.
Being optimistic and cheery.
Being pessimistic and gloomy.

I ask you again, how can you live?
How can you define life when you don't see,
No... when you can't see what it's worth.
It makes me sick.

I refuse to define life.
Just as I refuse to define the
essentials:
Love, Friendship, Companionship;
The feelings of belonging.

You walk the same path as everyone.
I'm going the same direction as you,
But it's me in the shadows
Me out of the corner of your eye.

I am going the same direction of you,
Yet I am watching you and watching me.
Finding all of the flaws.
Finding all of the perfection.

You find perfection in the flaw
The flaw of the shepherd and the flock
You are the sheep.
I am the wolf.

No, I am not the wolf.
I am the ghost of a once-wolf.
Stalking you, stalking me.
Living what I can not define.

November 28, 2006
1:44 am
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mamacinnamon
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i'll have you once
they'll have you more
i'm lucky if it's twice
they're already on thrice

can't say i'm jealous
you'd say, "you're selfish"
can't deny i'm tactless
you'll say "this is pointless"

i am caring and kind
they say, "i like your behind"
i am support and make you strong
they say, "you're always wrong"

still you choose them, over me
this is my rebuttal on dating
written not in red or black, but green
the color of envy

November 28, 2006
1:56 am
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mamacinnamon
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Blyxx:

I like your work. From the heart. I think you'd do well to pursue this avenue. Just my opinion.

November 28, 2006
1:58 am
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blyxx
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SS just told me that when I asked her if I should write a book.

She told me that she could see me writing... Hmmm..

I don't know what I'd write. Perhaps, I will write, once a day, on here (so it's stored somewhere and I can't delete it [which is often the case of why i dont have any of what i write])

November 28, 2006
2:08 am
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blyxx
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dating rebuttal

i'll have you once
they'll have you more
i'm lucky if it's twice
they're already on thrice

can't say i'm jealous
you'd say, "you're selfish"
can't deny i'm tactless
you'll say "this is pointless"

i am caring and kind
they say, "i like your behind"
i am support and make you strong
they say, "you're always wrong"

still you choose them, over me
this is my rebuttal on dating
written not in red or black, but green
the color of envy

November 28, 2006
2:09 am
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mamacinnamon
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Yes, fortunately or unfortunately what you write here is stored in archives. You can retrieve things by doing a search up just under where you start a thread. But, you must know the name of what you are looking for. You cannot just browse.

Hubby is home so I need to go. Nice to talk.

November 28, 2006
7:39 pm
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Soulsister
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Hi Blyxx..

come over to the lib's side..on the sex thread..and help us figure out what Lolli's name is..she's giving us hints..sort of riddles..to guess her name. I thought maybe you could figure it out.

Oh..and don't read the naughty stuff I've written..lol...no just playin'..you know exactly how i am..nothing you don't already know 😉 HAHA! Love Soul

November 28, 2006
10:43 pm
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blyxx
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If I had a guess.. it would be "Manda Panda Pants"

Perhaps, "Sandy" (From Alisandra)

Manda (From Amanda)
===(Not those two because they have 4 letters in common with "Mandy" and Mandy only had 3 letters right)===

Cassandra (again, Alisandra [it's close])

November 28, 2006
11:19 pm
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blyxx
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the dancer
----
you can see her perform in the darkened halls of the opera house
watch her every move as scurries about like a stage mouse.
she'll captivate you by escaping the pull of gravity;
entrance you with her slender and graceful figure.

the lights shine upon her
twinkle twinkle twinkle
in the center of the stage
shimmer shine shimmer

she leaps and she twirls in her own little world
and as her dance comes to a close the tone shifts
slowly creeping into the hall and into your auditory
the beats of a primal drum, quicken your blood and hers as well.

the lights shine upon her
twinkle twinkle twinkle
in the center of the stage
shimmer shine shimmer

the curtains drop and the hall turns to a silent uproar.
bewildered you know not what to do
you stand and yell out words that no one hears
it was a show you will never forget

the lights no longer shine upon her
a twinkle in her eyes no more
in the center of the stage
crying sobbing crying

a finale not soon forgotten by anyone, not even you
and you stand in amazement waiting for someone to move
everyone else is waiting for you to move it seems
no one moves, not even you

the lights grow dark and cold around her
the twinkle is gone forever now
in the center of the stage
panting breathing panting

i remember the look upon your face, i knew where you sat
i stared you down as i came on stage
for an instant, i thought you didn't see the bat
your look of terror only fueled my rage

and after the curtains were closed you could still hear my bat upon her bones
thwack thud thwack
it was not me that killed her, but rather
your own selfishness could not move you to save your own daughter

November 28, 2006
11:22 pm
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blyxx
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the dancer
----
you can see her perform in the darkened halls of the opera house
watch her every move as scurries about like a stage mouse.
she'll captivate you by escaping the pull of gravity;
entrance you with her slender and graceful figure.

the lights shine upon her
twinkle twinkle twinkle
in the center of the stage
shimmer shine shimmer

she leaps and she twirls in her own little world
and as her dance comes to a close the tone shifts
slowly creeping into the hall and into your auditory
the beats of a primal drum, quicken your blood and hers as well.

the lights shine upon her
twinkle twinkle twinkle
in the center of the stage
shimmer shine shimmer

the curtains drop and the hall turns to a silent uproar.
bewildered you know not what to do
you stand and yell out words that no one hears
it was a show you will never forget

the lights no longer shine upon her
a twinkle in her eyes no more
in the center of the stage
crying sobbing crying

a finale not soon forgotten by anyone, not even you
and you stand in amazement waiting for someone to move
everyone else is waiting for you to move it seems
no one moves, not even you

the lights grow dark and cold around her
the twinkle is gone forever now
in the center of the stage
panting gasping panting

i remember the look upon your face, i knew where you sat
i stared you down as i came on stage
for an instant, i thought you didn't see the bat
your look of terror only fueled my rage

and after the curtains were closed you could still hear my bat upon her bones
thwack thud thwack
it was not me that killed her, but rather
that you would not move to save your daughter.

November 29, 2006
2:50 am
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blyxx
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ME: it's just hard for me to say it... i miss you, k?
ME: goodnight.
Friend: goodnight
Friend: i will call you tomorrewo
Friend: promise promise
Friend: goodnight
Friend: and i didn't mean to be dumb and mean about your secret i think i am just grumpy.its late you know how i am

====

Not once did she say she missed me... ... 🙁 god dammit i keep doing stuff like this. getting hurt when i know i'll be rejected. and i try not to say stuff.. but she brought it out of me. was getting mad because i wouldn't tell her what was on my mind. now i tell her and that's the response.... 🙁

why do i let this bother me so?

November 29, 2006
3:14 am
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blyxx
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here we go... another one..

on myspace...
My comment...
"I miss [her name]."
hers...
"HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sweet dreams my friend!"

====
The downward spiral towards deleting everyone and disassociating even more seems to have begun. These were my best friends until right about now...

I hate this because it makes me feel insecure about myself and beat up myself for me not doing something right to make them even miss me. Somewhere that hurts... somewhere close to my soul.

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