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August 23, 2001
10:27 pm
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relentless
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Well I really don't know where to begin, so I'll start from the beginning.I guess it all began when my mother was murdered.She was a single mother of four.I am the youngest.She passed when I was 6.I was in the house when it happened,but I don't really remember much of the incident.The person who did it was close to the family.Well after this myself and my siblings were seperated from each other.I then was sent to an abusive relative for which I stayed with for a few years.Then was passed on to another relative who was even worse.Then back again with the other one.I was always told that I wasn't ever going to sh_t.To this day I don't know what I did that was so wronge,maybe because I was in the way...I don't know.Well anyways I was abused until I was 13 then I was put in the system(group,foster homes).I didn't see or talk to my siblings until I was 16.That was just 2 of them.I didn't get to one of them until a few month ago.I've never really been close with my family/and that an under statement.I've been married but I didn't spend much time with spouse, being that I was in the Military.I was kick out on drug charges,but I really didn't care,and ever since then I have been in a downward spiral.I am numb,and don't know the feeling of love,fear or any types emotional feelings.
I don't really know if I should believe in God because everyone does.I think about drinking alchol until I feel something.I think about doing drugs and lots of them.I know it won't help,but I don't what else to do.I'm not ambious anymore.I don't know what I want in life.I want to fall asleep.I don't want to think about anything.I don't feel sorry for myself,if thats what it sounds like.I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.I just need to be stimulated in someway.I don't have friend because I don't trust anyone.I keep to myself and this is the first time I have said this to anyone.If someone has a suggestion,please feel free to respond.

August 24, 2001
12:07 pm
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Ladeska
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That's quite the life you've lived....I totally understand...have lived a similar life. Your feelings are rather frozen. Wouldn't expect them to be any other way.... We wear out, give up, get tired, want to see that light at the end of the tunnel but too often pass out just before we see it...

I understand...."where you are"....very much so. I'm glad you are here because that means you're coming up for air and still resisting this thing that wants to pull you under. That's good...it's a start.

I have a book to suggest to you for reading....it's called "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck. Is a paperback, isn't expensive, $12 I think. Any bookstore usually has it - is in the psychology section. It will help to affirm you - in what you've witnessed at the hands of other people, will help validate your own thinking and help you realize - someone else knows and is aware of what goes on with people....please read it and comment on what you think..

Is there hope for you? Absolutely...much hope for you...just need to disentangle yourself from a bunch of crap you've been conditioned to believe wrongly about yourself...that may take time but hey - it took time for this web to weave itself around you, too, right? So what, if it takes a little time to take it thread by thread from around all your organs and major arteries? That's to be expected. Health isn't a matter of can it happen. It's a question of - will you reach for the life preserver? Is there still a question inside you that needs to be answered that isn't willing to turn out the lights and accept the b.s. as it stands and has been fed to you by people who needed to scapegoat their own guilt and pain onto you to wear and accept as your own? If so - there is a bright at the end of the tunnel with your name all over it.

Time for the chains to fall off and the prisoner to become a warrior.

Are you male or female, wasn't quite sure...

August 24, 2001
12:15 pm
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Cici
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relentless,

All I can say is I know that during times of stress, like this, you want to "do drugs and lots of them." Don't. I did. It obviously isn't the answer, but when you're living out of your car and you feel like crap, look like a skeleton and don't do anything but try to find money to get more drugs, it's even HARDER to deal with WHY you chose that path. And then you end up struggling years later, if you finally get your stuff together, to try and resolve all the pain and issues you had avoided by using drugs to numb yourself.

I have another great book, this one is only a little more than 100 pages. It's called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl.

He lived in the most notorious Nazi death camp for 4 years, Auschwitz. His wife was killed and his life's work was destroyed, and he basically suffered an insane amount of torment (obviously). Yet, he bears no ill will towards those who destroyed his life. He has a fascinating philosophy. I read this book in high school, and again and again later in life as I am a recovering drug addict. It has helped me find a path, make my own meaning in my life, and become a better person BECAUSE my life has meaning now.

I often say to everyone I meet that they should read this book. I think everyone who feels anything deeply should. No one listens, of course, but I keep trying to get through to someone.

August 24, 2001
1:01 pm
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Ladeska
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People listen, Cici...they just might not always acknowledge it verbally...seeds that are scattered to the wind - do eventually find fertile soil..(smile)

August 24, 2001
1:21 pm
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jadadavinci
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Relentless,

I just want to tell you " Congratulation". You made it through that and are still here to tell your amazing story. Very brave, you are.

God bless,
Dee

August 24, 2001
2:42 pm
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relentless
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I thank everyone who has responed to thread.I'm going to find these books and let you know what I think.To Ladeska I'm male.I don't consider myself as being brave...but someone with bad luck.I've wanted to go some sort of therapy...but I can't afford it and I don't think I can talk to someone who is a stranger.I feel a little uncomfortable with this,but I tired of holding it in.This has kept me from getting a job and a relationship.I am divorced,because of the way that I think.I hope these books show me some guidence.Again thank you for your support and I am greatful that there are people like you in this world that are caring of others.

Relentless

August 24, 2001
3:33 pm
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Molly
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Not until recently has much thought been given to verbal abuse. On top of all of the other emotional things that you experienced, some one told you that you were nothing as a child, so in your little subconcious head, why botherrattles with a roar, your limits were put in place when you were young. It would appear to seem simple that your marriage didn't work, how could you know what it is all about, other than what you saw in the movies, how could you comprehend emotional attachment with what you learned growing up, how could the discharge from the military have meaning, you only know what you know right? No role models, no motivation, but this tiny little voice that shouts, be relentless, find direction.
You question God, in your situation, I would grab on to him, or her, and learn all that you can about it, in what ever form that you can find it. Doesn't matter what form, all seem to say the same with respect to love, and sir, that is what I hear is missing in your life, you need to be loved, you need to experience the bonding of unconditional love and forgivness, so that you can love your self, and get it. God, seems to be the one intity that can provide it, real or imagined, its always there.
Like the lizard that sheds his skin every once and a while, you can shed yours as well, on top of the other books that you are going to read, I like Life Stratgies by Phil McGraw, most people just float through life with out a plan, it might be a good start for some direction, while you are learning about man, and being.
Be a sponge, soak it all up, and most of all believe in you and language what you want out of life, if you can dream it you can achieve it. Get high on life, the drugs always wear off, not a good idea, but lifes high, just grows.

August 24, 2001
4:37 pm
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Ladeska
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Relentless....as Molly basically said - you've been a good student in a particular classroom.. You were taught certain things, conditioned to believe alot of crap - which isn't sitting very well with you. I can see that. Well, it shouldn't. There alot of poison in all of that. How could you have possibly seen who you are, how you relate to anyone in this world, who God is and what hope there might be in a future? Not sure I see a real basis for any of that to have grown very far.

Verbal abuse is pretty ugly stuff and something people don't realize is how much it bruises us on the inside. People can hit us repeatedly with words, much more so that with a fist. The mouth is a tireless muscle and oh so deadly.

The thing is - when you get that kind of abuse, not mention - other kinds - we become very bruised and very bloody on the inside - where no one can see. And those bruises are deep and very bad. We don't get over things like that easily, especially when we never really take the time to acknowledge such wounding and to also realize - we didn't do this, didn't deserve it, didn't ask for it and are where we are because we got ran over by a freaking tractor trailer truck that backed up and did it again a few times!!

So....it's time to swim a little, float a little, get some knowledge under your belt about what has happened to you, polish up your own good instincts, start taking the nasty paint off of who people said you were and find out - who you truly are..... Strong people may get down, and may really scrape bottom from all this but they still hear this small voice that says....something smells here, I'm not buying all this... That's where you are.

And that's good. That's your true self talking - the one that knows sh**t flying - when it's flying. I'm not saying blame the universe for everything or anything like that. We have to take responsibility for stuff, too - absolutely. But, it helps to see how we were molded and conditioned to ring the little green button to swallow the poison cheese. Hey, we thought it was food and we still ring the damned bell!

So, how about you become a student in another classroom? How about that? Life is full of opportunities and the glass really is half full or half empty. Depends on your perspective. I know you're a little weak, but you still got fight left in you, don't you? (smile) Then let's see some of that. Roll up your sleeves and open up your eyes. Time to get out of your dark room and see that you have choices and dimension to explore here.

Yes, you'll be numb for awhile...you need to provide a place in your life for rest and for healing. Feeling will return - but the bruises have to be acknowledged and cared for - by you.

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