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Dire Dilema
August 12, 2007
10:37 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Situation:

I'm sitting here feeling very confused as to what I should do. My fiancee's mother called me at work and said "if you hurt my daughter I'll kill u, and I can hire somebody to do it." So, I took offense and went off. I let her know that I would be going to the police as this is the 3rd time she has said this. She says its a figure of speech and that I'm too serious. She says mothers & fathers say that all the time to their daughters' mates. Now, she wants to leave her mother's house and look for a room for rent BUT drug dealers live in a lot of those rooms around here. My family is telling me to get out of this because I am dealing with a mother who is a lunatic, but I love her, she's done nothing to me and we are still in love. We went to Ocean City this weekend and we are still planning to marry. Is this wise? or is her mom a psycho? I have thought about leaving but I really want to be with her.

August 12, 2007
10:56 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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August 12, 2007
11:19 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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August 12, 2007
11:23 pm
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Oh Mr. Anomous, that is so scary. it is one thing to say that joking around, it is still freaky, but what she is doing isnt something that parents do, I would never do that to someone.

what does your fiancee think about it? is she close to her mom?

it is hard to say what I would do unless I know the situation, my brother in law has a mom that is pretty psycho.. she does not like my sister at all she has threatened to take my sisters kids away because she thinks it is wrong that my sister wont let her see them, but its her husband that wont let her see them he doesnt like his mother because of how crazy she is, she has said pretty mean things to my sister and she was pretty rude to him and all of his sisters, they have been married for 18 years now, psycho mom and all, but they dont see her.

now, if your girl is on her moms side I would think twice and date a bit longer before i made any decisions.

if she wants to move out of her moms can she move in with you? is there an extra room in your place for her? I wouldnt want to move in with my fiancee if I got ingaged but if it is a safty issue for either you or her then that might be a better place for her, it is a lot better than a druggie place.

I dont know if I helped or not, good luck..

let us know more information like her relationship with her mom and stuff like that.

Elle

August 12, 2007
11:31 pm
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Hey Mr. I am off to bed, I will check back tomorrow after work..
Hang in there, I am sure this is pretty freaky. I am not sure how I would be feeling about the situation. I am sorry you are going through this..

August 13, 2007
6:20 am
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alycia
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You aren't marrying mum in law so go ahead and marry her. If u guys r getting married then why cant this girl move in with you if that's ok to ask? There r only a few people in this world who have a top relationship with mil, most can't stand them or do find flaws with them. I wouldn't let anything the lady says stop you, i have learnt alot in life and one thing is that i certainly wont be living with my mil so the rest does not matter... i hope u realise that too.... good luck

August 13, 2007
6:21 am
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alycia
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The only thought i had that i forgot to mention was are u sure u are 100 percent with getting married cause in some ways if you were u wouldnt be sitting here confused wondering if u should marry someone cause they have a crazy mum, you would think, who cares... i am in love..... just a thought......

August 13, 2007
7:16 am
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wannabe
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hi

sorry about all that abou you prospective mum in law.

how does your gal feel about what she say?

how has your relationship been, I mean do you fight or anything that might make the mom feel you can hurt her daughter

I agree with ellehcim, thats is not a joke, and no parents dont say such things. though going to the police may casue issues with your relationship.

keep us posted

August 13, 2007
8:36 am
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hopeful for change
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I hope no one judges me on my parents thats for sure. ANd usually that is a figure of speach. Unless you think they are dangerous people. unless you are a woman beater or a cheater then I would assume you have nothing to worry about.

I don't think anyone would have you offed for not taking out the trash or anything.

August 13, 2007
5:51 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Hello all. Thanks for your replies. There are a few reasons that she can't live with me though. The biggest one is that she isn't on the lease & if I am caught with her living there they would evict me and my sister and my brother (we live together). At first I thought they couldn't find out but they caught this girl doing it & she got evicted. Other than that, we have some relationship issues to work out. She got mad at me one day and threw a book at me when all I did was crack a joke. She said she was sorry & shouldn't have done that but she was angry & didn't realize I was playing. BUT that has always been in the back of my mind. That same day her mother said "

You better not hit my daughter" (this was after she threw the book.) She jumped in my face like she was ready to fight. My fists weren't balled up or anything. I was never getting ready to hit her. Her mom then says "I'm kidding" once the confusion was stirred up.

Finally, she is toooooooooooo codependent. If we're sitting in a room side by side, she has to always have me touch her. If I ever say I don't feel like it right now she starts crying, pouting, and stamping her feet like she's 2-years-old. Then, she calls me like 19-25 times a day (as if I'm not at work busy)

She says she'll get counseling for these problems and she will not move in with me until she does.

August 13, 2007
6:10 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Those are terroristic threats. The fact that she's said it multiple times is just ridiculous. I might be inclined to let the first slide, but multiple references...the bottom line, sounds to me like she's neck deep in your relationship.

Sounds like you have some reservations about getting married over your g/f's behavior. and that is reasonable. Counseling may indeed help. Why not get counseling now...before you get married? Don't downplay her issues now...there should be no doubt about getting married. if you have doubts...then she'll have to wait. sorry, but would you want a wife to marry you who had serious doubts about you and your marriage?

My stbx was/is very codependent...In my experience the codependency only got worse over time. i used to dread coming home...thinking "who will i get tonight? the happy one or the sullen one or the wacky one? There were warning signs before i got married, but i wasn't wise enough to read them.

August 13, 2007
6:46 pm
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fantas
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Mr. Anonymous,

Your girlfriend needs to be dealing with her mother and letting her know that it's inapproprate to talk to you like that. If she doesn't, I'd say let the girlfriend's mother know that your parents do not appreciate people who go about bullying their son either. Some parents seem to think that only their child is the precious one... If your girlfriend can't deal with her mom or is enmeshed with her, think carefully before marrying her.

As for her codependency, it will really wear you out when you get married. Codpependent people are like bottomless pits, they never get enough love.... If you love her enough to want to marry her regardless of these issues, then take a year for individual and couple therapy.

All the best to you 🙂

August 14, 2007
12:14 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Again thanks for your replies & your help. She tells her mom constantly to but out. It seems like now, she has stayed out of the relationship since the day I went off. BUT . . . how long before it starts again? People like that just don't change. My reservations are still there & although the love is there still, I really do have serious reservations about marrying her.

When my mother & father went to her house with me this year for the 4th of July, my mother told me that she felt like this family was way too crazy & my mother being a clinical psychologist, says she can tell this woman has serious issues.

Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth trying to work out. All these issues both she & her mother have. I am going to talk to a counselor this week & get myself some individual counseling & see if all things weighed I should stay or leave. For some reason, I just can't get past the fact that she threw that book upside my head that day. I was hurt, angry, and thinking about leaving then, but I stayed to work it our issues.

The thing is that now, I just don't know about staying & working out anything. The type of marriage I want, is one where I can be comfortable around her & where when I show her love, the love I show her is enough. I also want a wife who wouldn't smother me & won't call every 15 minutes if I go out with my friends one night a week. Mainly I want someone who will love me & treat me the way I deserve to be treated. It seems to me that she has lost a lot of my respect & love since the day she got violent over a joke & what's more is that that wasn't the 1st time she went off at me over a damn joke. That to me raises serious red flags.

August 14, 2007
12:54 pm
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fantas
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Mr. Anonymous, You are right to be cautious. Things tend to get worse in marriage I hear. So it's wise to ponder whether you are you can live with some of this behaviour. The truth is that if you threw the book at her after she told you a joke, we would and she came here with that information, we would be telling her to get the hell out there before it got worse. I think it's the same with you. Her family promises violence and the daughter acts violent. Go see you therapists but I think you already know what you need to do 🙂

Keep us posted

August 14, 2007
10:21 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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I think u r right. The more I think about it, the more I think I wanna leave. I mean, it's just too much 4 me. I am almost a doctor (my doctorate will be in education). I have a lot to offer any woman who wants 2 date me. BUT, wha can she offer me? She's lazy, codependent, and at times dysfunctional. This is not a good relationship 4 me 2 stay in. I'm not trying to be mean, but I can do better.

August 15, 2007
12:04 pm
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fantas
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Mr Anonymous,

You are right. You can do better. She has a lot of work to do and you do not need this kind of drama. Noone does. So wish her and her mother well and let them be. I'd suggest looking at at yourself as well to understand why you were attracted to her in the first place. We are attracted to people for various reasons. Learning why this particular situation happened could help not repeat the same thing again.

August 15, 2007
12:20 pm
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_anonymous
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Mr. I am glad to see that you comprehend that you have a problem you cant fix. This woman and her mom asre master craftsman at targeting your caring instict. If you've been trying this, accept the inevitable failue of these attempts. Sounds like you are getting smart and will quit doing it. Accept the reality she is what she is. Be realistic. Her personality traits are so deeply ingrained the cycles of abuse (throwing books), bad judgment and inability to cope in a close relationship will continue throughout her life. Set up some ground rules with both this woman and her mom. Refuse to be a victim. The hard part will be taking the pain. The process of leaving and grieving is emotinally devastating and lengthy. Talk to your mom. Get support from her. You were not a victim in this situation, you were targeted. Dont expect other people to understand what you have been coping with. Surround yourself with normal people. Accept the necsissity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time will be your best friends. If you continue to contact her it will be considered dysfunctional behavior on your part. This woman and her mom will not make the end of the relationship easy. If your lucky they will cut you off cold and you will never hear from them again. Be prepared they will say nasty things about you and fight you tooth and nail. You will be in for a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship let alone all the darts that will be thrown your way.

Hugs,
Destiny

August 17, 2007
3:33 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Once more, thanks 4 your replies. Not sure how I'm gonna handle the emotional hurts that I will surely hurt because I do love her, but I am leaving. My first step is distancing myself from her. We have been progressively spending less time together & I am planning to move & change my number. Also, I am planning to ask people at my job not to put through her or her mother. Just to take messages & I will decide whether or not to return the call. Having to take all of these precautions are unfortunate but I do fear for my safety as this woman has a crazy mother. I've been blessed though I will say. I have good friends who have been by my side thru all of this. They have said that they will be here for me as much as I need them to be. There are even some friends of mine that have told me that if I need to I can stay with them for a few days, we'll take off from work & go hang out & take road trips, just like back in the day.

On the other hand, these things do seem like they will help me get past the initial grief. BUT . . . there will come a time when they cannot be there b/c they have their own lives too & I'm gonna have to eventually readjust on my own. Those are the days that cause me the most concern. Maybe I will join a support group & just regularly attend my meetings & focus on my career.

Don't know how I'll get thru, but I'll find a way.

Also, I was wondering if progressively leaving in the manner I have been talking about is the safest way to go. OR . . . should I just leave right here & now.

What are your thoughts?

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