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Dilemma-thoughts on this would be appreciated
October 12, 2006
4:53 pm
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elizabeth anne
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It has been 31 days NC... I found out I need to go to the hospital next week and the procedure is not one where I can drive home

Friends are working, Family out of town. I am of course anxious about the whole procedure... As a FRIEND, I want my ex to take me.. He is so supportive that way and I think he could ease my fears.. I am thinking to e-mail him and ask him if he would take me and then bring me home..

He always said I never needed him enough, and this is one time I really do need him... I can be myself without fear of hiding my feelings for this procedure with him... He will understand because I was there for a procedure he went thru, and I recognize how he felt at that time now. Questions, What if's etc... And I am prepared if he should say no...

It is not a ploy to get him back as I have no intention of going back. It is just wanting him as a friend that I can talk to openly about... This is just one thing I don/t want to go thru alone....

October 12, 2006
5:02 pm
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on my way
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Hi Elizabeth anne...

I understand your feelings of not wanting to go through this alone, but are you absolutely sure there is no one else you could ask? And I guess my second question I would ask myself is, How will HE interpret it? On one hand you sound like you want to to think, "Oh, elzabeth anne may really need me after all"....is it that important that he think that now about you? Is it going to make him feel worse? It seems to me to be more of a 'come here, go away I don't really need you' scenario, and you don't want to play with his feelings like that.

On the other hand, I could be totally wrong, but I used to do this...any little thing I could think of to draw an ex-bf I dated back in, I did..and it was just wrong.

Just look deep inside and examine your motives. It looks great, probably feels great...but is it SMART?

October 12, 2006
5:20 pm
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doubleloss
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hi EA. i agree with on my way, what is the intention... 31 days of NC is not a lot but and for sure not long enough to have no feelings left for him. Be careful, take care of yourself and don't give any false hope.

I'm sure someone else will be able to drop you off and/or pick up. good luck with your procedure. I hope all goes well.

October 12, 2006
6:10 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Maybe I am being selfish, and yes maybe I do want him to feel he is needed.. And yes the push, pull is not fair and I agree is wrong... I just want his support, I can/t find it with anyone else right now that I can express those fears to..

It is utterly selfish on my part..I am not sure how he will interpret it.. But he always said to call HIM. And he hated that I called someone else when I had car trouble one time.. and that I should have called him... It is very hard for me to ask for anything...

I think he would be relieved to know it isn/t about getting back together, but just needing someone to talk to and help get thru this... I don/t want him to get mixed messages and if I tell him as a Friend, I think he will know... So confusing...

Maybe I do really want him to know I need him, and this is a situation that he can feel needed and that I really need him, because this one of the few times I can say I need you...Is that so wrong....Or are all my intentions all about making up for the times he wanted me to feel this way? One of those rare times I actually feel the need.....

Am I contributing to a feeling of guilt from him, most likely and I don/t want to... I just want him there... Will I put him thru turmoil, I don/t know... Will I put myself thru turmoil... I don/t know... Is this smart, probably not.... For this one time, I just want him there, because he will understand more than anyone else.... Is it worth my feeling not so scared...I don/t know

October 12, 2006
6:32 pm
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on my way
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It is hard I know. And I know that you do not have all of the answers, which is why you probably asked her on AAC. No one can really tell you what to do, it is up to you. I just remember in my situation that I wish I had been smart instead of listen to my feelings, but feelings are important too. I hope you do what you think is best, and I hope what ever you decide that it goes ok. 🙂

October 12, 2006
6:44 pm
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doubleloss
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i think it's all about intentions. and you are the only one that knows them deep down. we all have to move at our own pace, within our own parameters. it would be great if our brains and hearts would be aligned - that hasn't happend to me in a while! LOL! just do what is BEST for YOU. take care.

October 12, 2006
7:13 pm
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lovetocrochet
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EA,

My one thought on this is, if you have to have no contact with this person and you initiated it, it has to be for reasons where you feel your emotional and/or physical safety is on the line. Given that, why would you want to break it, just for a ride home from the hospital?

He's an ex for a reason, there's NC for a reason. His saying that you didn't need him enough, isn't that usually a red flag in relationships? The only time guys said that to me is when they couldn't make me dependent enough on them to control my life so they'd say it to undermine how I looked at myself. Even if there WAS any truth to it, they weren't saying it to be helpful, that's for sure.

Check around again with friends and acquaintances on whether there isn't someone who could take you home. Also, maybe the hospital has suggestions? There's also taxis and shuttles where they can pick you up at the hospital door and then drive you back, maybe even help you get in your house safely.

October 13, 2006
1:42 am
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gracenotes
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I agree with all the good advice about to Not initiate contact. I can say for myself, with over three months of no contact, that my mind will start making up reasons to have contact. They are sound justified, reasonable, valid, and harmless. But, I have also learned that even if I am wanting contact with the nicer side of the person I am not wanting contact with anyway, I know that I am eventually not going to feel very good about this and will probably have some regrets. I learned this through the experience of some slips and almost having some kind of contact.

I would keep trying to find someone to help. I would also remember why you started No Contact. I think it is too soon to turn this person into just a friend. That would be best saved for later. Maybe you can change your procedure appointment time to make it convenient for someone to help you. And, there always are taxis, shuttles, and other ways to get home with involving your x. You've had a good measure of No Contact. Why break it? You will probably regret it and he will misinterpet your intentions.

October 13, 2006
1:53 am
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I know you asked for advice, but I just wanted to wish you the best of health and good results with your proceedure.

-ella

October 13, 2006
9:30 am
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atalose
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I agree, keep the no contact. Loveto is right, he's an ex for a reason, you initiated no contact for a reason. And gracenotes is correct, it's too soon to turn him into just a friend.
I think you need to really figure out what your intentions are really all about.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 13, 2006
7:12 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Well, I have to say all of you pretty much said the same thing... NC... but as you know sometimes you just do what you do.... I emailed him about procedure with no response... I guess it just really affirmed that NC is the way to go and that no matter what happens in your life... you find another way, and cannot always depend on the the one you want..

Thank you all... Sometimes it is a very hard lesson to learn... But now it comes as more of a reality.. I have to do things on my own... As much as I wanted him to be there... He is not in the same place I am...

I am going to the Keys for the next 4 days with friends... First vacation, without him... I am trying to move on slowly.... I will try to just have a good time and not think about anything else...

October 13, 2006
7:22 pm
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doubleloss
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e.a. sounds great to go on vacation, have loads of fun.

sorry ex didn't respond, but it's probably for the best. i'm learning to be independant too, it's hard, don't quite know how to or where to start.

good luck with your procedure, i hope is not serious ?

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