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Dilemma re Ex - need advice
August 23, 2007
3:46 pm
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cheesypuffs
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September 30, 2010
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Hi everyone,

I need to share this with someone so I guessed that here would be the best place...I hope so

My dilemma is this:

My ex and I broke up 3 years ago. We had ben together for 8 years. The love of my life so far.

Since then she has had a baby (now 8 months old) with her current partner. During this time we have not stopped loving each other but she fell pregnant accidentally with the guy she is with and decided to keep it. However she phoned me one day crying to tell me that her partner had hit her (face slap) after an argument and had done another time before when she was pregnant because she slammed the car door of his car. I was very upset from this and told her to leave. She also confessed how he trested her like an object both physically and verbally. She said she would not leave because she had nothing better to go to and that she would stay with him because of the child. She does not work and is basically a housewife...or as I see it..a dogsbody (although not married). She said that the person she wants to be with is me but as this is not the case, she is wit him. I stil llove her very much and have considered the idea of discussing with her to come back with me. I spoke to her today and she told me not to call her as her partner does not like it and that she would call me when she is alone another time.

I asked her why she puts up with him and she said everyone deserves a second opportunity. I cant believe she puts up with him. He is agressive, controlling and treats her badly. When I think of the caring, loving relationship we had, it makes me cringe.

We broke up because things went sour and turned ugly. Ok, she was controlling and rather manipulative emotionally with me but have grown since then and when I should have been more assertive I wasnt...but hey, I have learnt a lot since the break up. Bu I miss so much of her virtues and we werent together so many years for nothing. We were just so young to know how to handle it.

I imagine this beast of a guy with her and it makes me sick. He has my ex in her pocket. He provides financially for her and controls her. She seems a different person in the sense that her confidence is blown and she is holding onto him cos she has nothing better.

I will tell her all this but just wanted to know what you all think. I know from an objective stance and looking from the outside in you will be able to opinionate.

Thanks for listening....

Cheesy

August 23, 2007
4:26 pm
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atalose
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Sounds like she is still manipulative emotionally with you. She is manipulating you to run to her side and declare your love for her and take her away from this very bad relationship she has painted the picture to be in. She declares she doesn't leave because she has nothing better to leave to?????

Step back emotionaly and remember exactely why you are this womans ex, doesn't sound like she has done much changing except with her manipulative stories.

If she is for real in an abusive relationship she and only she can get herself out, if she wants to.

But it sounds like she wants to put the brunt of it all on you by having you come rescue her away from this beast of a man she wilingly continues to stay with.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 23, 2007
11:21 pm
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free
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September 27, 2010
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Hi cheesy~

It can be tortuous to watch somebody in an abusive relationship.

She's a victim right now, and you can't save her. You can't rescue somebody from abusive relationships.

She can't love you in a healthy way, and never did. To love somebody in a healthy way takes some self-security, confidence, self-like. She doesn't like herself. And she didn't when she was with you either. I'm trying to sum up the complexity of the victim mentality and struggling right now kuz my shoulder is killing me (bursitis) so forgive me for not being clear.

She's punishing herself right now and probably isn't even aware of it. She could support herself and her baby if she chose, she is chosing not to. She doesn't need a caretaker, and that's not why she's with him.

She may have been controlling etc- but it wasn't in a perpetrator sense- she was egging you on, pushing buttons, needing you to abuse. You didn't, so she found somebody who would.

She'd probably come back to you if you invited, but if you don't respond in a controlling/domineering/abusive manner to her- she'll go back to him.

She has to get to the root of what is causing her to make these choices, or her life will never change.

Your choice is whether or not you want to be a part of it.

Taking care of her, that's not gonna help her, it's gonna enable her current destructive behavior.

If you talk, start talking to her about domestic violence. You'll need to keep an emotional distance. She may or may not respond positively- but talking to her is like planting a seed. It'll grow someday.

If you get back together with her to rescue her, be prepared to not only play rescuer, but also play victim and perpetrator. It's the rescue triangle and that's what she's drawn to. it's a kind of role playing that occurs in abusive relationships.

I know that was alot.

In short, I say no way get back together with her, but try to be her friend by encouraging her to help and rescue and support herself.

free

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