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Dilemma...I may lose a friend over this.
July 20, 2005
3:57 pm
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revelation
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Hi All,

Well, I have a dilemma, something I need to deal with this weekend.

I have mentioned a few times on this board, that I have a lovely older sister, who I adore and am in awe of. She married her childhood sweethear, had two adorable kids and worked really hard to have a good life. Then a few years ago, shockingly, her husband admitted to a two-year affair. If devestated her, it angered and devestated me. I never was keen on extra-marital affairs before this, but now I am even more against them. In my sisters case, the other woman (she was around the same age as me) knew he was married and had two young kids. This appalled me. I adore my niece and nephew and this felt to me like this other woman was kicking those kids in the teeth y'know?

Well, my views on this are quite strong, I've been outspoken about it here a few times. I basically have absolutely NO SYMPATHY for any woman who gets knowingly involved with a married man, I feel these women are a disgrace to their sex and are obviously void of empathy, compassion and heart.

This weekend I'm invited to a good friends house for a party. I haven't been able to get out much, and see the girls, so I was looking forward to this. My b/f has a gig, so I was looking forward to going to this on my own and catching up with the latest gossip etc. I've found out the another friend (I know her well, but would not consider her to be a close friend) will be their with her new boyfriend, a guy who is married with an 8 month old baby. Euuurghh SCUMBAG. I know I'm saying this though I haven't even met him. Anyway, all the girls are very excited about seeing this guy as apparently he's loaded and good-looking blah-blah. It turns my stomach. I don't want to entertain it. I really wanna go to this party, but I won't speak to this guy or my friend, I'm also afraid of speaking out and saying something. So, should I just not go? How do I grin and bear it? It goes against all of my principles.

July 20, 2005
4:01 pm
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on my way
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rev, i don't know that you can "deal" with it, why waste time doing that. just go and be yourself, don't be rude you would be judgemental, then you would not have a good time, and if it gets to be TOO much for you, ...and you will know afer some time there, then leave.

i agree it is sickening and would not be something i would be looking forward to being around, but i would make sure that if i was having a good time regardless, i would stay. if i did not like it, couldn't smile without a smirk, i would leave.

July 20, 2005
5:47 pm
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22haha
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O.k. first of all... if this guy is so stupid that he goes in public places with your friend and doesn't care about his family - then why should you? If he is seperated or getting divorced then it would change it slightly. Let him ruin HIS life and you worry about your own. Keep reminding yourself that you have better morals and values than him.
Second- if your sort of friend is dating this guy knowing all of this - maybe she isn't a good friend to have. I try and surround myself with people that make me happy and that would really create some rage in me.
I guess I would go to the party -since you don't get to see the girls much, and let the two of them ruin their own lives while you have a GREAT time ignoring their rediculously wrong relationship.

July 20, 2005
5:50 pm
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SexySadie
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Take it from someone who has had stuff thrown in their face over the weekend...you can do this. You can go and have a wonderful time with those that you love...and you'll be surprised...you probably will get carried away with the moment and like me have an out of body experience and not have any emotion. It's not worth missing out on a fun event when it means alot for you to be there. Life's too short.

I made it through just fine...

July 20, 2005
5:51 pm
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revelation
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The guy is foreign, not long in the country....I don't think he and his wife have many friends here.

My "friend", yeh, this incident has put me off her, and I'll have a hard time being nice.

July 20, 2005
5:59 pm
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22haha
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Have you considered talking to her alone???

July 20, 2005
7:03 pm
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angel4U
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Hi Rev,

I am wondering if this is not eating you up more than normal at this time because it is so close to home for you right now?

I share your beliefs and am also opposed to dating a married man. But since you don't know this girl well, maybe there is more to it than meets the eye (e.g. could be he is going through a divorce and they have agreed to stay friends at this time?) ... OR, she could be making the same "mistake" many people make, and entering into a relationship with an unavailable person for the attention, and unfortunately is blindsided by the hurt she is potentially causing for all involved, including herself ... OR she and he simply do not share the same values as you & I.

Whatever the case may be, I know you are smart enough to know that you cannot change/control people's actions/decisions. If you were a close friend to her, I might suggest talking to her about your values and feelings about what she is doing, while giving her the example of how hurt your sister and your family are because of your sister's husband's cheating. But it didn't sound like you have this relationship with her, so I would say leave it be and let them learn for themselves.

I would say go to the party and have a great time focusing on being happy, rather than worrying about them. But, if you really feel you are too vulnerable right now and worried about exploding at her, I would not go to the party ... my opinion is that this would be unfair/unkind to your friend that is throwing the party, and would most likely cause you to feel bad/embarrased later.

Hang in there, and good luck to you rev!

angel4u

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