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different day same old crap!
July 24, 2007
12:09 am
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wasabi
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I have not posted in a very lond time.....
and then i only posted a few times! I guess I was affraid to hear the truth!
The truth is he will never change!
over 20 plus long years.... some days better then others. sometimes is peacefull for days .... other weeks are hell!
Why the hell am i still here.... oh yah tied to his bull-shit leagal & fin. death & taxes wow deepper & deeper it's thick so thick! I'm working on things butt it really sucks to be stuck... like quick sand the more I move the more I sink......
I feel so alone even the kids did not want to be here tonight.... He left first..Then one by one the kids left... I even took off for a few hours to regan strenth ! Then like a dummy I went looking for him! I found him too, he rejected me an spoke cruly spend off in his supper man truck! I went home only to find he was there too. Well with no where else to go. I went in to the big dark lonley house we live day to day in sometimes not speaking a kind work for days... Feast or famon. It's either hot or cool no in betweens... Why does it go on & on.... One day he loves me & needs me the other he hates me doesn't need any one i'm a bitch.... [email protected]%^ U he yells I'm no good...no help blah blah blah. as I try and deal with his buisness acct. night mare back taxes shoot me now an put me out of my misery .... Just need to vent! I stay on because I have no other choice! Plus I like it here most of the time! Sometimes he is so nice..... Sometimes! I'm not stronge enought to start over with less then nothing and 3 kids! He is sick .... but if it was cancer i could deal with it better but it's not ! But it's like cancer it is dark an it's killing all of us one shot @ a time..... it's the way he deals with stuff he climbs into his bottle of absulotely insane. Depending on his mood he will be Dr. Jeckle or Mr. Hyde...........Today we got Mr.Hyde

July 24, 2007
1:14 am
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fantas
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Wasabi,

It's not like cancer. If it was cancer, his rude behind would have rushed to the hospital and done everything humanly possible to save his life. If it were cancer, you wouldn't ever dream of letting him stay in the house untreated and unmedicated. If it was cancer, your children would probably not want to run out of the house as soon as they could to avoid him.

Here is a question that my therapist asked me when I told her how I felt stuck in my drama and I just couldn't get out for so many reasons...

How much is your dignity worth?

July 24, 2007
1:31 am
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wasabi
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Dignity?
Well i'm not sure any more! It's not about dignity it's about I'm in a hole an I need to Dig out....
Well I meant the cancer thing about dealing with an alcoholoic they say it's a sickness.... so is he sick yah! But like you said well if he'd go to the doctors ...He has been sober off & on But no fun sober either! What a grump!
It's so complicated .... I'm in so deep like up to my eyes deep!
So did you leave???? and find or keep your dignity?
Ok not to be a smart [email protected]@ But I hate therapist that never been there an think they know what I'm dealing with!and tell me what I should do!(I had a bad theripist once or twice)
If it was just dignity I could leave but there is so much going on I could right a book!
Thanks for your note !

July 24, 2007
1:39 am
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_anonymous
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You are not alone. My husband was the same way. It is hard if you can not afford to get out of the situation. Harder yet if you have kids. My heart goes out to you.

July 24, 2007
2:02 am
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wasabi
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I need to make a plan my Mom says!
advise from the lady that stayed with my Dad for 23 years before she finaly said I had it!
Well We have a buisness together!
And he is a very hard worker and has built a very strong small buisness and does very well.... I have helped him in many ways, but niether of us are good bookeepers so we are dealing with a few years of back taxes.... He is also being suid by a jerk that want's $50,000.00 for work that he did almost 2 years ago. this is all coming to a head today an my husband got real drunk & took it out on my 14yr.old son ....... That was it I went off! I went off at the husband!....things clamed down but the kids still wanted to go to there friends an spend the night I too wanted to go away! but I can't go any where on this side of the planet.
Well it just was a intense day! We owe the IRS a ton of money! A family man that lives aroung the corner shot himself a few months ago. he was a builder an with the realastate market slump he could deal!
So he killed himself !
My husband said he could relate to that menatity! He siad that tonight just before he took off in a rage! My husband is never says that kind of stuff, it scared me! this is why I drove to the marina where he keeps his boat to see if he was ok!
I really do love him. He is hard to deal with at times but there is alot of love there too. He was there but still mad at the world an mean!I was glad he came home but we never spoke.I let him just go sleep it off! Man it's about 2 in the AM eastern time ..... that was about 10:30 pm I just couldn't sleep so here I am pouring my heart out to strangers! Seams so pathedic!
Thanks for being there!
One day at a time! Some days I take hour by hour.......

July 24, 2007
2:33 am
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wasabi
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Wow I'm so tired I can not spell!
I read my thread an there is so many mistakes! Sorry!Thanks for the support! I should get some rest! My morning come oh to soon ! My huband is to go to court tomorrow an face that jerk that is tring to pull a fast one! It's one of those well it's not perfect ... no I don't want it fixed I want all my money back & then some deals! There is no justic... some times we are dammed if we do & dammed if we do not! I feel that way alot latly Just Dammed!
Dame it!
Good night good people!
God be with you!

July 24, 2007
9:29 pm
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_anonymous
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Wasabi when men are angry, out of control they need to have cave time. When he goes away to his boat or whatever that is a place where he needs to be alone to sort out his problems and try to find a solution. Whenever he does that leave him alone, dont worry he will come back when he is ready. You seem to have a lot of things going on that is causing alot of caos and confusion in your life and marriage. Alcohol is not a solution it is an escape. If he is angry and drunk worry about your safety. The economy is getting worse, people cant sell their homes, it is a sign of the times. But remember in time this to shall pass. Some people do better to work on their own when there are problems. Sometimes the best thing you can do is stay out of your husbands way. He is a grown man and he can figure it out on his own.

July 24, 2007
9:53 pm
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fantas
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Wasabi,

I hope you didn't feel judged by me because I totally get you. And yes, I did leave on my knees literally. He was abusive, he drank, he couldn't hold onto a job or he didn't want to, his friends were a horrible influence on him. Not even the therapist could get me to leave. I felt paralyzed by it all. In addition, to all this, I was very ill and was undergoing treatment and in fact one of the time he abused me was because I wasn't healing fast enough and he felt powerless.

In my frustration and paralysis, I attempted suicide twice and the second time, I left the hospital, and went directly to stay with a friend. I left everything with him and didn't go get it for a year.

In that year that I stayed away, he stalked through e-mail, phone, physically, and all other ways. So it was a nightmare. I am so relieved I got out, all the fears I had before leaving seem so irrelevant now but it has taken a lot of work. I started over my life but this time it was on my own terms.

Now I finally understand what my therapist asked me. Luckily I have had some amazing therapists who were very gentle and understanding..

I know it seems like there is no end to the hole you are in right now but there is. By even making your way onto this site, you have began to dig yourself out of it. Find a therapist you like and who understands you anything else could retraumatize you. Keep at it. Slowly but surely you will see the light. Keep posting.

July 25, 2007
8:41 am
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wasabi
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Thank You both so much!
Well yesterday I got the silent treatment! I hate that it drives me crazy! I know to back off when he is drunk or pist off at the world esp. me! What makes me mad it wasn't any thing I did or had control off!
Well he did go to court yesterday!
instaed of 50,000. it will be $25,000.00 he was so disapointed in the system weather some ones right or wronge it not an issue with the court! ....Well he was nice to me this morning! I guess Dr. Jeckel woke up this morning! But when he finds out I'm going to see my older son an help him out this afternoon he'll be mad agian! (son is bypolar 25yr. old not his bio kid but he raised him since he was 5yrs.) Since my son has been abussed & negleted by both so called Dad's bio & step he is very damagaed. neither will take resp. for it either.
Well I'm not going to shut any of my kids out no matter how old or how imperfect they are until I die I have 3 children an I will be there for them all ! I've made this very clear! We agree to disagree on the kid factor!
Yes ladies there are so many things going on kids work issues money confilic of issues.
My daughter came home and I ready can type ant more ..... she is so noise too!
Thanks again!
Wasabi

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