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Different country different custom but the pain and hurt universal!
August 2, 2005
2:37 am
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Sunnysunshine
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Thank you so much Angel4U.

Yes, I am looking for answers and yes you are totally on the right track!

And YES how could such a loving and caring man suddenly change like that..

I will check out the link you have posted for me here and also the thread you have up boosted.. thank you so much... really really thank you..

August 2, 2005
4:54 am
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Regret
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SunnySunshine,

When you are going through hurt, it certainly does seem that there will not be another person for you etc. Those are lies created from the pits of hell to scare us. They are not true!! Someone was capable of loving you in the first instance- that means you are lovable. You were able to love someone once- it means you are capable of loving again.

I don't know how the heart and emotions function but I know that time heals our wounds, fades out our pain and propells us to try again. i cannot state enough what has already been stated above- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG (i am not yelling at you with the capital letters). You feel the urge to call him because you had built your world around him. In your mind, you had finally gotten to the place of your dreams with this guy. When a person becomes a part of our lives in this way, we try hard not to see the negative sides and attempt to "fix things" thinking we are wrong. In your case, it is worse because he says that you are wrong. You will get out of this. It is hard work but as you will find in here, many people have gotten over the pain and you can too.

I am wishing you the very best as you get yourself up. There is a saying that when life offers you lemons, wear flats and make lemonade. Use this painful opportunity to learn more about yourself and you will certainly come out a stronger woman.

Regret

August 2, 2005
8:02 am
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Sunnysunshine
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Life is so funny...

I just got home and there was waiting a postal mail from where he's company is working on contract for right now in my country...

My mom was alerting me.."if it is from him just reject and do not recieve it"

It was a money certificate from the hotel we stayed at when he was here... what is bad is it was a trip I made with him which I had to keep a secreat from my family and friends...

I payed for all his stay here while he was in my country, gave him little instruction because he said he couldnt go around...

Life just works itself in misterious ways................

August 2, 2005
8:05 am
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Sunnysunshine
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Oh.. another thing...

I know for a fact that he is out there again dabbing into the net meeting thing where he found me, and found another girl with somewhat similar back ground as me.. I feel like telling her!! becareful he is not what he says he is!!!

But another question comes to my mind...

Could I have caused him to become an "abuser"?

Could this be possible?

August 2, 2005
8:11 am
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Sunnysunshine
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I ask this question because a friend was telling me that it is only 1 in a million that I would meet up with a monster like him...

But to be honest this is second time in my life to date an abuser... but that was 13 years ago.. and at that time I saw real violence signs from him... that really scared me.

Also, in this relationship he had always compared me with his ex girlfriend. Whom saved me to get out of this relationship...thank goodness because I thought I was imagining things...

After this long ago relationship I thought I knew the signs of an abuser and tried to stay away from this kind of person...

Yet, from then my relationships never really lasted longer than 6 months with different guys.. I was told I was too much maybe I was asking for too much attention?.. maybe my insecurity never gotten back to me.

Then this happends... I feel like am I the one who calls in guys like this??????

Is there a fault at my side to make a person abusive??????

August 2, 2005
8:23 am
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SexySadie
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It's so interesting reading your log. I am sorry that you have had your heart broken. When I first met my ex husband 20 yrs ago...I heard all the horrible stories about his exwife...and how she stole their baby child away and moved back to Texas. I wish then that I had CHOSEN to see the signs that I turned my back against. He had me convinced that it was all her doing.

We moved to Texas 13 yrs ago...and I pushed and pushed for him to see his daughter...he barely would do it...I kept trying, explaining how wonderful it would be for OUR daughter to get to know her sister.

Well we divorced 5yrs ago and now HIS daughter and I are as close as possibly can be. So are his ex wife and I. I wish I had talked to her all those years ago...history had repeated itself with me. But we are all in a better place now. His daughter lives in Chicago and we all chat all the time. She's quite a lovely girl. I once apologized to her for what had happened and she said there is no need. My mother and I know that you did all that you could for us and besides we never really knew him. I feel sorry for your daughter because she lost him and spent more time with him.

I wish that back then I had been able to talk to the ex. But I wonder if I would have believed her then. I highly doubt it....love is blind.

August 2, 2005
8:27 am
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Regret
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Sunnysunshine,

You raised some important issues:

YOU DID NOT MAKE HIM AN ABUSER

Ok, i don't know him but six months is not enough to turn a sweet person into a monster. Please stop beating yourself black and blue. It is time to focus on you. However, since this is your second relationship like this, it is important to ask why you draw such men to yourself. I used to draw men who would be dependent on me to myself. My mom had to point it out to me and strangely, once, Chicky also mentioned it to me. i am trying to find out what about me attracts them. You are on the way to recovery. Don't let him draw you back

August 2, 2005
8:32 am
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Sunnysunshine
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Thank you Regret and thank you SexySadie...

Yes I suppose there is some attraction there... and yes.. I think there is a reason for this to happen to me again after such a long time.

and Thank you so much Regret for reasuring me that a sweet person cannot suddenly change into a monster in 6 months...

Because I was starting to think in this circle again.. "is it me? is it me???"

I have bought a book on "abused woman" and hope to dig into this.. and I hope to share it with you guys here.. too...

Although its taking 2 weeks for the books to get to Japan...

August 2, 2005
8:45 am
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Regret
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And Sss,

I forgot to mention that I am unsure where your friend got the statistics from. There are loads of men and women out there who abuse and manipulate their partners. My advice is that you should look out for such and not think that there is only 1 in a million. Read the stories posted here and see if abusers are hard to find.

Go girl! You will be fine

August 2, 2005
9:13 am
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Sunnysunshine
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That is so true Regret,

I felt so comfortable here thinking that it is not uncommon. Maybe its just more of an non-knowledgable thing or.. hidden thing here..

Or.. maybe she was just telling me that so that I wouldnt be too scared to go out and meet people...

August 2, 2005
4:55 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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Good morning...

I think the scare is wearing out on me! Thank goodness. I was able to sleep through the night tonight!!! (still with some sleeping pills...)

But, the scary part is now that the scare is dissapearing only the sweet part is coming back..I have to remind myself everything was not real...

And that he was a Monster....not to get in touch with him...

I kind of feel obliged (somewhere) that I have to send him a final note..but then I guess he has already done that to me and it is not necessary..

I know no matter what, I will not be able to get along with him after all this!!!

August 2, 2005
5:12 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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I think my friends are sick of me talking about him..

But, I guess I need answers... and get answers.. another day.. I hope I will be able to make it through today..

Thank you everyone for helping through yesterday!

What I dont get is that he was such a scary cat though...he was so scared that he couldnt keep his eyes open to "constatine" yes the movie.. yet he was big an ex rugby player.. short temper and.. heard from him that used to get into fights..a lot..

Does this description background connect to an "abuser"?

August 2, 2005
6:02 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Sunnysunshine,

I agree with angel4u.

The relationship you have described does sound a lot like what is called an "abusive relationship."

One warning sign was what he described as "the Honeymoon" period. Abusive relationships often begin with a "whirlwind romance" that involves very quick, intense involvement, where the woman is overwhelmed by all the attention she is getting. The starnge thing is that "abusive relationships" often follow a cycle which begins with waht has been called "the honeymoon phase." After that, there is a period of tension building, followed by a violent outburst, then the entire cycle starts over.

It was not necessarily wrong for him to ask you to handle certain aspects of the visa process--but, for him to have tantrums at you was wrong and hurtful.

For him to be asking you to handle his correspondence and business matters sounds like he was exploiting you, taking advantage of you, making you a servant.

He lied to you about his other realtionships. That was not fair. I think he was just using you as a distraction from the other realtionship that was more important to him. The man is a liar.

Next, for him to blame you for everything that went wrong, rather than try accept responsibility for his part in things is also a form of abuse.

It is important for you to understand that you are not to blame for what has happened. No matter what you might have done--men like him are IMPOSSIBLE to please. Nothing you could have done would ever have been "good enough" for him.

August 2, 2005
8:10 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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Worried Dad,

thank you very much for another reasuring thread that I am walking towards the right angle.

And yes, I think you are right that he was trying to distract himself from his reality.

He once said "Being with you is like going to jail in the monopoly game" I was shocked thought he felt traped with me or something.. and asked why he had described me as "going to jail" he said because he can buy time not to play the game...

I was so shocked....

Today I was telling myself no matter what I would have not been able to save him from his situation..

His bounding family work situation, he himself trapped in with kids to whom he feels that he doesnt love.. living in a country he doesnt like..

I thought I could at least ease some parts of his life for him...

August 2, 2005
11:58 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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It was last week today that he sent me that last nasty note...

So I was kind of scard to open and check my mail...

I just did it telling myself even if it was there not to read it. But I guess I was a little be hoping that he might have... my god I am sick..

How could I miss a guy like this....

Funny thing is I should be taking care of myself yet still in my mind I was trying to sort his situation problem.. guess giving him excuses..

I need to stop....

August 9, 2005
5:25 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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There is something I must confess here...

Every time he asked me to do his things... despite I kind of said no..at the end I would be doing it with him. His children's visa paper's go get into HIS country..Im no expert n he has done it a dozen of times.. he should know better than me..

Hotel rooms I had said no...but, quietly sent him mail for the confirmation...

I feel that yes I am a codependent too... n from 2 weeks ago I hav been reading up the net informations (since my books r not here yet) n lot of treads here.. I am learning a lot and feel that I have been so naive..

******

BUT!!! I want to tell you I have stayed NC for 2 weeks from him AND, I am not tracking his trails..I know he will be coming to my country at the end of this month... yet its not that caught inside of me anymore.... I think, yet I think a bit (will he be able to take care of himself here? Would he be ok?) I can think.. he has been here more than he has told me so he will be fine WITHOUT ME.

I feel as though Im getting my life back SLOWLY...

Thank you for every one here!

I love you guys for giving me SO much knowledge and now I know of my naivness.

Still have much to learn about myself I know..

****LOVE U GUYS HERE**** SMILES and HUGS to EVERY ONE!!!

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