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Different country different custom but the pain and hurt universal!
August 1, 2005
9:57 am
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Sunnysunshine
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I am new here and am so happy to find this thread. Im logging in from Asia. Different culture different custom..but I do feel that emotional feelings of hurt and pain is universal..

People here, the support and care I was looking for doesnt seem to exist in where I live...not even from my family..

I hope to be able to share my feelings here and try to understand what I am going through...

It is difficult to sort ones emotions on my own when the answers are so cloudy...

Hope to hear from you wonderful people out there! thank you *smile*

August 1, 2005
10:19 am
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Regret
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Sunnysunshine,

Your observation is certainly right. You will find later on that people say "It is late here" "It is morning here" "We live in different time zones" which confirms the diversity of those who "live" on this site. Yet, the responses, irrespective of the barriers of cultures seem to be the same. You are welcome and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

Regret

August 1, 2005
11:08 am
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CAMER
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Hi Sunny & welcome, this AAC site is great i have been here since March of 2004, and love it!!!

You will get so much honest feedback and learn from others and can give to others too.

Please share more when you feel comfy.

🙂 Camer

August 1, 2005
11:48 am
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lita
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hi sunny glad to have you here. you have come to the right place, there are alot of caring people on here, who would give there shirt off there back to help.

August 1, 2005
5:36 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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Hello everyone,

I must thank you so much for your responses... last night was the first time I was able to sleep through.. (with sleeping pills)
I think it is because I was able to find this thread where I can feel comfortable.

This past week even taking sleeping pills I was not able to sleep through the night. I would wake up with a scare or a nightmare type of feeling.

I was dating this guy whom I met over the net for 6months. I would go to his country to see him and he had visited mine. Uptil 2 months ago he would always give me guides like "this is the honeymoon period. It realy was like a honeymoon to me." "We need to spend 24 hours together to get to know more of to see how well we get along with eachother".. at first this seemed so nice and made me feel secure.

Everday in the morning before I go to work he would log on to chat with me for about an hour. Then drop me an email then at night call me or chat with me.. At first I wasnt used to so many attention. Then it had become something I had to have always.. I would be mailing him to tell him what I would be doing what I was feeling through out the day. Really made me feel like we two were together as one.

Everything started to changed when I started to realized what he told me about his past marriage and his kids were lied to me in parts.. but big parts. Yet, I tried to believe him because I thought that because he had regreted to what had really happend. But, one thing he was so proud of was that he and his exwife was still in really good terms and they loved eachother in a soulful way.

So even at this time.. when he told me that during he was married he had his 2 kids with another woman I had convinced myself that it was ok. Because he was a loving and caring person he just probably wanted kids whom he couldnt have with his wonderfully loving wife..(which was my mistake)

His kids and the mother of his children was living at a country next to him where he would visit at least once a month. He told me he and she were stricktly platonic and I tried to believe him.. until he called me from going to her place and he said "Im going HOME now" I realized I was just a side set.

Yet, he had told me and promised me that he will take care of the situation with her so that we can be planning our future together.

Then things started to changed.. he started to dumping important documents and papers to me "you take care of the visa papers for my kids" saying that "this is your problem".. also even letter's to his children's carecenter president..(which he just FW without any explanation to me and told me to reply her..) I was getting into shock..with the way he was starting to treat me and..with his short temper which he was starting to throw tantrums to me...regarding his problems...

Then after his last visit to my country, the day after he went home he called me and told me "Im going to have to marry the mother of the childrens in October" I was in shock since when he was with me he had told me that it was the best time he have had in a long time.. and really enjoyed it and missed me and have to be with me all times. I have asked him if this whole things was a joke on me. then he was so upset that I was making him sound like an "*e*k" and that he would not have luored me around if he didnt love me.

But then I was in so much shock I had cryed and gotten sick over the weekend..that time.. he had called for every hour or so that weekend and then in the middle he said "You are a burden to me" which pushed off into another emotional cliff. From there I just could not believe anything he told me.. I told him "lets concentrate on our lives a bit more than eachother"

I dont know how he took it.. but he stoped his morning chats.. emails and calls.. just a short message that every day said the same which you can tell was just a cut a paste.. and when I felt that it was about to be over he would call half crying.. that things werent going well at his end of his part that he needs me to help him..so I would try.. yet it was regarding his work which I had no idea of...

The last insident was he was coming to my country for a business trip and wanted me to make reservations for his hotel I asked him to make it through his secretary or clerk sinc e it is his work related... which made him made that I didnt do it..

Then after a week again he calls and tells me that he only had "word" from the hotels so I should call the hotels and make reservations. I sent him a message telling him he should be able to make his own reservations which anyone can do (he is 42 not a teenager) and that when he was coming I had my handsfull.

He got so mad.. droped me aline saying "I understand I will make sure I will never bother you again" I didnt understand what was going on with him when it was him who started to push him away and just dump me with his problems which he should be solving on his own yet, he had succeded to make me feel guilty to what had happend...I was so scared with his temper I couldnt explain why I had said to him. I tried to reach out I called but he hung up. I realized he was mad so I didnt want to talk to him.. left the phone unanswered when he called...

after that he sent me a mail saying that "it is all your fault that his had to come to an end. you have ended the communication the only life line we had. I was going to leave the mother of the child and tell my parents about you this week andyou have ruind it all"

He left me with this guilt... and nightmares.. that he will come angrily to me that I didnt help him and that I was at the wrong...

and this is causing me my situatin now....

I was reading through "codependency" and "abuse" which in his case.. the abuse fits more.. but for my emotions feeling that I need him... is it codependency? waking up in the middle of night feeling the need to call him?

August 1, 2005
8:15 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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I guess my last log must of been too long for anyone to respond......?

August 1, 2005
8:32 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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Was it my fault that this really ended? I tried to believe despite his situation that a person can become different. And that I can help him to be able to believe in himself again.

I really thought he was a caring and wonderful person.. until he started to just "literally" just dump problems on me..

I was willing and wanted to help him all that I can, and I have told him that "I can only help him with things I can help him"

When it came to points of his children's visa problems and also his work tests and things.. this was just totally out of my league.

Was it my fault that I have told him that I had no special knowledge in these areas and can only get information that he can through the net?..

Have I failed?

Was I so wrong???

August 1, 2005
8:38 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi Sunny, and welcome to the site! Wow, it seems you've been put thru the ringer with this guy. It appears to me that he is just yanking your chain. He obviously has some MAJOR issues, and you are the punching bag. Honey, please don't blame yourself for his bad behavior! He is clearly wanting his cake and eat it too. He has not been fair to you, nor has he been truthful. You deserve better! You have come to the right place for advice and hopefully you will find some peace in reading some of the posts of others who have been where you are. You need to take care of yourself, sweetie! I am sorry you are hurting.

August 1, 2005
8:59 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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Thank you......

He kept on bring out his exwife..that she used to do this for her and this is how she did it....

But always he would say "I dont expect anything from you" yet felt like I had to live up to his expectations...

I have had breakups but never felt like this to be waking up in the middle of the night feelin that I wasnt good enough... or it was my fault....

August 1, 2005
9:18 pm
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gingerleigh
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This guy is no prize. It doesn't make it hurt any less I know, but with as big of a heart as you have, you don't deserve to be mistreated in this manner! He is clearly taking advantage of you and your feelings for him. You did nothing wrong, except maybe in falling in love with someone who doesn't deserve your love.

August 1, 2005
9:57 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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thank you.... again..

but he was.... and seemed to be such a caring and kind person...

I feel that I might be making him into a monster... within myself....

August 1, 2005
10:56 pm
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Sunnysunshine
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What I dont understand is..

His prior marriage lasted for 15 years. He and his exwife still gets along very well...

He was a really shy and reserved kind of person....

August 1, 2005
11:26 pm
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gingerleigh
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Just because someone is a nice person doesn't mean that he's a nice person for you. Just because you can't make it work with him doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you and that you need to change. He and his wife might have been married for 15 years, but they aren't any longer. And I highly doubt that their relationship is as idyllic as he makes it out to be. Otherwise they would still be married, and never would have gotten divorced.

August 1, 2005
11:42 pm
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theseboots
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Hi You are in the right place here. I just signed on Saturday. These wonderful people have been talking sense to me all weekend and now I have made it through and my emotions are back in control. I do not know how long it will last and when I will be back with a new thread but right now I am seeing clearly now.
Good Luck Sunny!

August 2, 2005
12:01 am
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Sunnysunshine
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I guess that is right...

His exwife is getting married this September... he probably regreted that he had let her go....

I was so surprised at how similar his exwife and I were with our comments and thoughts.... so for him it must of felt like he got his exwife back..

I should try to ge my standards back.. yet where I am with such mixed culture it is difficult to find anyone with similar cultural background or someone who would try to understand me..

It had been 3 years since I got into a relationship... because the last one did hurt as well..

I was starting to feel good about myself and that I can start to look ahead...... then this....

August 2, 2005
12:10 am
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theseboots
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I am not sure what to say as I said I am new at this but I do know that no one should be our everything in life. I think we grieve struggle to get past it and then get on with life. I keep thinking there must be something good coming.

August 2, 2005
12:20 am
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Sunnysunshine
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thank you theseboots,

You know what the funny thing is? I really enjoyed his stories about his wife.. I was able to really relate to her too...

If possible I wanted to become friends with her and get to know her in person.

When he told me that he had told his exwife about me to her I was so thrild. So decided to contact her..

He told me that I can contact her but he never told me what her address or email address was.. yet he had already given me enough clues how to reach her... and I did..

I only congratulated her to her new marriage and hope if it is possible to become friends..

I dont think he never realized that I have contacted her and I dont know if she did get my letter...

But I guess it might be correct that he and her relationship is not what he has described to me...

August 2, 2005
12:27 am
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theseboots
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When it comes to realtionships and you think you totally understand him something out of this world always happens.
My husbands ex phoned me before I married me and told me I was looking for trouble.
She is probably gloating right now,"see I told you so." She did not remarry and we have been at family things at the same time and I feel bad for the rest of the family they try to make sure there is someone at each of our tables to make sure they don't get accused of favoritism.
I think you should forget about being in communication with his wife. That is not good for you and you don't want her sharing that with their mutual friends and family that are still around.

August 2, 2005
12:28 am
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gingerleigh
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Oh Sunny, this arrangement is only going to cause you heartache. I really feel for you. You deserve so much better!

August 2, 2005
12:36 am
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Sunnysunshine
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He knew how much I love children.

So he had some nights having his elder 3 years girl to call me (I have not met yet) and call me as auntie.

He said that she asked to speak to her.....

August 2, 2005
12:47 am
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i am so sorry about all the pain u are going through right now...i hope it gets better for you. this relationship doesn't sound healthy for u. i hope u overcome it. u deserve better. hope u know that.
l and f

August 2, 2005
1:15 am
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Sunnysunshine
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Thank you every one,

I do realize that this relationship is not good. And that is why I am trying to with hold myself from contacting him..

He told me to wait for him for 5 years.

He even told me he made a special bank account for us to use in 10 years ahead.. he even told me he had a place in Hawaii where we will be able to live together...

August 2, 2005
1:42 am
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Sunnysunshine
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Even a peacful family of our own..

Yet, I do see with his situation, none of that he told me will ever come true...

Even at the end he had made it my fault that this relationship had to end.....

My dream was to have a family of my own my kids and a caring and loving husband.

I told him not to ask me out unless he had that in mind..

I thought he understood and was serious...about me

August 2, 2005
2:17 am
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Hi sunny, and welcome to AAC!

btw - I love your name, we could all use more of that around here!!!

I was actually not going to post tonight because I need to get some sleep (it is 12:30am here in the midwest, USA). But when I read your post, I felt this strong need to respond to you.

I hate to say this to you because I know you are hurting already, but everything you have said about this man seems to outline what they say about a typical abuser (and possibly a conman), hence, why you are probably were more familiar with those traits in the information you read. I actually do not see you so much as co-dependent (you stood up to him about him doing the documents on his own and know in your heart it is his responsibility ... Good for you, because you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!).

I instead see you as someone that is feeling betrayed by a man that you fell in love with and thought loved you (and did a wonderful job in the beginning of building this all up for you to believe), and are now struggling with trying to understand how he could turn so fast into a monster (undermining your relationship and you, bossing you around, degrading you, yelling at you, blaming you for all of the problems, using guilt, manipulation, control, ignoring your feelings, etc.) ... because you know that someone that truly loves someone would not do this ... am I on the right track?

Please know that what you are feeling/experiencing is very typical of someone that has been in your situation (e.g. Waking up being scared, having nightmares, being afraid to talk to him because of his anger, the remembering and desire to get the good stuff back that he gave you/promised you, the desire to call him and just have everything be ok again, etc.). And my heart goes out to you!!! ((((HUGS))))) Whatever you do, please know that NONE of his behavior is your fault, sunny, NONE OF IT!!!

He seems to have MAJOR issues with how women are to be treated, and when you stood up to him, you exploded his dream of being able to control you and have you do whatever he pleased, when he pleased. he wanted you to be his servant, not his partner. GOOD FOR YOU FOR NOT FALLING FOR IT!!!! AND TOO BAD FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately we will probably never know his true intentions of what he was up to (it could be possible that the way he thinks of/treats women are based on his own cultural views/upbringing). But that doesn't really matter as much as what is ok and not ok for you.

I am one for strongly believing that everything we experience has a purpose and a chance to help us learn something and grow stronger ... even though it is hard to see it through the pain & heartache. Take this time, if you are ready, to try to understand what this experience can teach you ... and hang onto it to help you with a brighter future.

I have done A GREAT DEAL of reading about abuse, and I have a post out there called "Verbal Abuse - How to Respond" that I will bump up for you to read.

If you do a search on the web, there is a whole lot of additional info that I think will also help you. Here are a few:

http://www.womanabusepreventio.....signs.html

http://www.drirene.com/

http://www.suite101.com/welcom.....onal_abuse

Hang in there, sunny, you will get through this. And keep trusting your gut and ensure that you are always loving & protecting yourself first and foremost!

Many more hugs & blessings coming to you in Asia from the midwest/USA.

angel4U

August 2, 2005
2:31 am
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Sunnysunshine
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The most hurting thing is trying to think less of himc that there really isnft any one there anymore who will be there to share my feelings and moments.. I have and visa versa..

But I guess toward the last month and a half.. that had been something he had tried to cut back on alreadyc

He kept on telling me its going to be tough so we have to be strong and hold on repeatedlyc.

I really thought I could have gone through with the relationship.. it was a really rough and tough .. with really no one to understand and support. And ended up like this.. my parents are looking at me like he was bad from the beginning. Yet, really makes me think.. finding the right person is just difficult as it isc. And trying to believe in that personc it takes and effort on both sides too..

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