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Different childhood...healthy adult?
January 3, 2009
6:04 pm
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ashamed09
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I am and overwhelmed by all the peoples honesty and soul searching. I never realized all the people that struggle like me. Is their a group of people whether its 10 or a 1000 that are living the lives we all crave for. What seperates us from the functioning healthy people out their?

January 3, 2009
6:08 pm
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Hepburn
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Depends, what are you craving for?

What separates us? Our attitude. JMO.

Peace

Hep

January 3, 2009
7:16 pm
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Bella1969
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Ashamed--

I think you've answered your own question: you're overwhelmed right now. I've read some of your other posts and admire you for opening up-- this is a huge step and shows you are taking control of your life, even when what has caused you such pain was not your fault in anyway.

"Baby Steps" was advice given to me by some of the extremely caring and kind people on this site. I think this is really important. I myself am looking for small ways to make improvements and take back some control of my feelings. I know it will be worth it, even though I wish there were some pancea pill out there that could make the hurt all disappear and let me live my life as I always wished I could.

The fact that you're reaching out shows that you understand what "healthy" is...now is the time to start making that a reality for yourself.

Big hugs to you!

January 3, 2009
8:30 pm
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ashamed09
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greatest secret of my life is my father forced oral sex on me when I was 5 year old his only son, and I carry that memory with me every day. I rember the smells. sounds disgust and the act. The only thing I dont remember is the identity of that little boy even though it was me. I can picture the event down to the last detail, yet cannot really connect to the event. I feel terrible inside like thier is a dark monster inside me that I can never get a hold of. I have overeaten, isolated myself, buried myself in movies, comic books for over 30 years. I have created a warped sense of how the world works, casting everyone in a negagtive light and jud

January 3, 2009
8:30 pm
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ashamed09
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greatest secret of my life is my father forced oral sex on me when I was 5 year old his only son, and I carry that memory with me every day. I rember the smells. sounds disgust and the act. The only thing I dont remember is the identity of that little boy even though it was me. I can picture the event down to the last detail, yet cannot really connect to the event. I feel terrible inside like thier is a dark monster inside me that I can never get a hold of. I have overeaten, isolated myself, buried myself in movies, comic books for over 30 years. I have created a warped sense of how the world works, casting everyone in a negagtive light and jud

January 3, 2009
8:50 pm
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ashamed09
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...judged everyone unfairly. I am a kind person yet run from people and situations that I have worked hard to love and care for, but feel it is only a matter of time befor I am found out. The most shameful part of my story is that I constantly recreate the abuse in my e that mind thru viewing pornographic clips or videos of shemales performing oral sex on males. I role play this abuse depending on my self worth of the day. SOmetimes I am the man who is receiving the oral sex, and sometimes I am the man masquerading as the woman performing the oral sex. It is the only sexual release that I have that feels "good" even though I hate it and cover it up. The part that breaks my heart even more is that I am a heterosexual man and know this is just recreating the abuse, but I choose not to stop roleplaying it. My father would call me girls name and call me gay all the time. He presented himself like a manly man like Elvis or some other 50's male icon. It is sick how he would molest a me a child and then define me as a homosexual to make him feel better, it has warped my view of men, and how I express myself as a loving man. I never shared this with another living soul this coping mechanism. Now I have found a woman in from learning a my life that I want to be with, but I dont want to bring this pain in my life into that relationship. I want to have my feeings in order so I can express how much I love her instead of the warped roles I believe men and women share together. My father was cruel to my mother and they hated each other, she would parade him around as her fantasy husband, yet she would vicously control him, keeping him from the help he needed, yelling,criticising screaming at him to be a husband and father rather than get him the help he needed and let him live some sort of decent life. It is his female name calling, his hatred of women, coupled with my mothers brutality and victim posturing that leads to my coping fantasy that a man disgusing himself as a woman makes it okay for a young male child to have sexual realtions with his father. I dont have a hatred for homosexuals in any way, because they have never been mean to me in life, so i dont use that to change the nature of the attack on me as a child 30 years ago. I do recognize that I have a hatred of women (from my controlling mother) that allows the coping fantasy to exist,yet now I have found a good woman who gives me no fuel to hate women. So I want to face this sexual abuse head on, instead of treating it as depression,anxiety,social phobia,codependency etc. In order to do that I need to do alot of work. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read about my life, I feel better for writing it

January 4, 2009
9:06 am
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Bella1969
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Ashamed--

You don't realize it, but you have just given me a lot of insight into my husband. He has been in your shoes, but has coped by compartmentalizing the abuse-- and nearly every other aspect of his life. I hate to say it, but this has become central to our relationship; he has hidden a "secret self" from me, and has thus created a rift that I don't know will ever be bridged.

Part of the my husband's "coping" has been to cross-dress and to view pornography such as you describe. He too was abused as a young child, but cannot (or will not) remember who the abuser was-- although I suspect it was someone very close to him. His father also continues to tell him to "be a man" and belittles him in a very immasculating way.

Things have started to fall apart for him, i.e. I have discovered the cross-dressing (although I at first thought that he was having affairs and that the clothes belonged to other women.) I have also found the sites he visits online, and have read emails sent to him by some very sick people who equate violence against children with sex.

You mention being in a relationship with someone now. Please, please, please get some counseling, and, only when you're ready, open up to your partner if it becomes a serious relationship. I know it is a hard thing to discuss, but I also know, in retrospect, that had my husband not tried to keep all of this a secret, I could have helped. I loved him, and though it would have made my heart break, I would not have blamed him for someone else's evil behavior.

Instead, I was left to wonder what the h*** was going on, and make my own conclusions about his penchant for dominant/submissive pornography (I wondered if he were a pedophile for awhile), the cross-dressing (when I thought he was having affairs) and especially the correspondence I found (I nearly called the police.) Most of all, I knew I was being lied to-- and no relationship can withstand that.

I agree that you should get your feelings in order before disclosing all of this to the woman in your life. Please know that your role models were not typical loving men or women-- they were wrapped up in their own dysfunctional drama and you were caught in the crossfire in the most terrible way imaginable.

As I said earlier, you are obviously a good person who recognizes that you have been given obstacles that are very hard to overcome. In simply recognizing this, and reaching out for help, you are on the path to a healthy life.

My thoughts are with you and I'm here if you need to talk. I just wish my STBX were as brave as you.

January 4, 2009
10:46 am
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marple
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Bella, your words are so wise and it helped me today to read them. Thank you.

Ashamed, you are taking such brave steps and unmasking your coping mechanisms. I agree with Bella, IMHO, that you sound so ready to make counseling a productive, growing experience. I wish you success with it and in your life.

January 4, 2009
11:08 am
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ashamed09
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Marple, thank you for all of your support and kind words.

Bella, thank you for posting your story. It is very sobering to hera about someone else who has a experience similar to mine. It is so hard to get help because male sexual abuse is still in the dark ages in terms of studies and books. All the materials out their are from the female victims position. The few books on male to male abuse dont really get into the issue. I brought this up to a therapist years ago, and she just talked over me and dismissed it. Sharing your husbands story helps to "normalize" the poor coping skills by making it "common". In all of my coping disorders the abusers/victims were all clearly adults. I dont understand why one male has to pretend to be a woman in these abuse fantasies. Im trying to recall more details of the abuse, if my father role played me as a woman to be able to complete his sexual abuse. I cant rembember yet. I do remember praying to god as a pre-teen and trying to wish myself into a girl every night before I went to bed. I dont know if I came up with that thought to reconcile the twisted feeling of loving my father or making the pain from abuse go away. I also dont know why I believe that simply becoming a woman makes it okay for a child to be molested or it better for a father to have sex with his daughter. Sometimes I think that he told me to be alittle girl, and its possible that I wanted to please him so much that if I could change into a woman he wouldnt have been so disgusted with what he did with me as a little boy. As I type this I feel ill from these last few statements so I will take a break now, put if you could provide more of your personal stories I think it would help.

January 4, 2009
12:03 pm
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ashamed09
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I have so many thoughts I want to get out. I am a kind and loving man, and sure as a child would have done anything to please my father regardless of his treatment of me, althought I do remember the abuse at age 5, I was a tall kid, so I think I matured into a more of a young man physically which kept him away from me, and I think the older I got and the more male characteristics I developed the deeper his hatred of me grew because it cast a more negative light on his own homosexual fears. The years in between 5 and 11 it was just a buried secret. I guess when I hit puberty and started feeling sexual feelings towards women and seeing nude magazines and such it brought back the memories of abuse. So for the last 25 years I have been recreating this abuse on a weekly basis, sometimes holding off for months but ever present it is has been so defeating. But after reading bellas posting and seeing your husbands response, it makes me realize that the dysfunctional coping skill is a direct product of the abuse, and really not a part of me. It is incredibly liberating to know this. It gives me the freedom to accept what happened from the abuse, and reaffirms my innocence in the attack. Now I can look at that traumatic event from the position of a healthy child that endured someting that was terrible. Rather than agonize over dreaming up a sexual fantasy that never applied to me yet drove me for years like a perverted man, which i am not. I would never willingly project adult roles on children to enable abuse. I would also never subject a woman or tell a daughter it is somehow okay for a father to sexualize her because it is okay as a male to female act. I have alot of raw emotions now, mostly leading to anger which will clear the way for the sadness that needs to come out for the healing to take place. I guess I am lucky in a way because I always had an interior drive to be healthy and the discipline to self contain the abusive cycle within my family. Certainly therapy and my own research and committment over these last nine years is paying off. Sexual abuse has robbed me of expressing the gentle kindness and strenght that I possess in an abundance, and has severly limited my relationships, career opportunities, income and led to bad friendships, one divorce, and currently an unhealthy relationship. Bellla thank you so much for posting the in

January 4, 2009
12:08 pm
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ashamed09
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again Bella thank you so much from the bottom of my heart and soul for posting the intimate and painful details of your life on this board. I could have never of dreamed that a random search on a website would reward me so much. I have searched the internet for 10 years plus looking for a case study or man with a similar story as mine, something that could give me the extra support and peace, knowing that this drive to recreate the abuse is not my choice just an automated response to a horrible act. If it were not for people like yourself that chose to be open about thier lives, god knows how long I would have struggled with this terrible ritual of self abuse that I felt partly responsible for.

January 4, 2009
12:30 pm
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marple
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Ashamed—with a twinkle in my eye I suggest that you go ahead and read the literature on abuse, even though it's written mostly for female victims. After all, we women have "translated" material written for men (history and religion, for example) for years! đŸ˜‰ Seriously, I hope you can find something helpful there. On this site, I find so much help, even in conversations in which i don't join in, and even around issues which are not exactly mine. I hope it may prove the same for you, at least in ways you find helpful.

My own childhood sexual abuse extended to all the grandchildren in our family, male and female. Grandpa was undiscriminating, the old creep. So from my wonderful male cousins I have heard stories like yours, and they seem to experience a particular kind of confusion around their roles in it that IS different from what me and my female cousins experienced. So there IS something, as well you understand, "different" and particular about going through this as a young boy. Of course there is. And your articulate expression of it is no doubt helping others as well as yourself.

January 10, 2009
2:40 pm
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Bella1969
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Ashamed--

Thank you for the kind words...you have helped me, too. I am likewise amazed that someone else has experienced this (even when I live it secondhand.)

I do not feel qualified to give clinical speculation, but I suspect that my husband's coping device of cross-dressing is a way that he divorces himself from what happened to him (i.e. at the age the abuse began, he probably had limited options of disengaging...so he chose an opposite gender as a "safe place.") He does this whenever he is stressed by his adult life.

My spouse also has issues coping with the realities of adulthood; it is almost like an arrested development of some type. Our relationship has degraded into one where I bear the unpleasant responsibilities of the "grown up" while he seems incapable of overcoming some of the smallest obstacles in career and relationships. I've also become his "touchstone to reality" (his words) even though he continues to engage in behaviors that hurt and confuse me. I realize I have reacted as a co-dependent (which is why I first sought out this site.)

As I said in an earlier post, you are so insightful and strong for directly approaching this subject. I know you will succeed in creating a more peaceful, rewarding life for yourself.

You give me hope, Ashamed, that, regardless of what happens in my relationship, this horrible history can be overcome. Please keep in touch.

January 17, 2009
10:34 am
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Bella1969
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Ashamed--

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