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did u leave or stay?
May 16, 2007
3:20 pm
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itsmynick
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just wondering, how many of you actually decide to stay with an addict? and if so, does al-anon and/or coda help? how many people actually let their addicts go physically and regret it?

thanks! 🙂 my first post btw.. this looks like an interesting place! 😀

May 16, 2007
3:31 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I was dating an alcoholic.

I let him go.

At the time, it wasn't because I chose to because of the alcohol, but because of all the stuff it caused.

I considered going back...but was in such a good place that I could see that going back would be personal suicide.

I am glad I got away and that I didn't go back.

Not much changes when you are with an addict...and you will always be second to the addiction.

The ONLY way I would consider being with someone with an addiction is that they were clean for a year, and seeking professional therapy and showing positive steps towards recovering and making healthy changes in their lives.

BUT...I would not be involved WHILE they make these changes...they need to do it on their own, for their own reasons. I can't hold their hands...they have to show they can stand on their own two feet.

I went to coda meetings...and many were actively involved with partners with addictions who were not fixing it.

The most sad case was a much older woman whose husband was an alcoholic with health issues (many alcohol induced) who was also starting to show alzheimer's symptoms. Because of this, he was also starting to abuse his prescription meds.

It was so sad to hear her every week tell of her struggles to deal with her own health issues and her worries about keeping him from driving, and worries when she found him driving etc....one day he crashed the car while out trying to get his prescriptions filled...another time he almost got arrested cuz he was assaulting the pharmacist who could not refill his script cuz it wasn't due yet.

This was a vibrant woman who had so much sadness and heartache in her voice....certainly looking older than she was...worn out by the issues.

And I think that if you stay with an active addict...that is the life you face. Addiction takes a toll on the physical body of the user, and many partners are forced to cope with the health complications.

It's hard to walk away...but I would think it's harder to stay?

May 16, 2007
3:36 pm
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itsmynick
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thanks for u're insight.. one more question please..

how long did u stay before u decided to leave? did it take more than one attempt before u left for good?
thanks.. 🙂

May 16, 2007
3:43 pm
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itsmynick
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oh what the heck, one more question!

what if they're not an addict like they say they're not? what if they only do drink periodically and don't come home raging drunk?

i'm in that dilemma.. early in our relationship i found i didn't like how he drank (too much, too fast, then he gets so drunk) so.. he quit.. or so he said..i had my suspicions but he always denied it..then he finally told me the truth but wants to continue having a 'couple drinks with the boys after work'..

i think, 'well, he doesnt beat me, isn't mean to me..' but i just don't like seeing him 'not all there'.. u know? at times i wonder if i'm wanting everything to be just too perfect or am i just too controlling? i should mention that i grew up with alcohol in my family..

thanks again.. 🙂

May 16, 2007
3:59 pm
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soprano2
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Wow. Sounds like my husband.

I was okay with it at first. I figured that he would grow out of drinking and into responsibility.

Boy was I ever wrong.

On his second DUI now. He is in tons of trouble, and we are already severly in debt because of his first one.

So, now I am leaving. It took 4 years of dating, 1 1/2 years of a "happy" marriage, and 4 years of an absolutely miserable one to find the courage to leave.

But it is the best thing for me and my two kids.

He still doesn't think he has a problem.

He doesn't beat me, isn't mean to me, but the emotional and financial scars that I will have to carry with me for a while are very large. It will take me a long time to get over this, and I have decided that I truly can't fix him. I can only fix myself.

May 16, 2007
4:10 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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what does your gut say?

sounds like you think it's more than an occasional drink.

No matter what HE thinks...what are YOU comfortable with?

Perhaps you need a boyfriend/partner that doesn't drink at all?

You see, my mom grew up in an alcoholic/addicted family...and it nearly killed her...literally...3 suicide attempts.

I vowed to never drink...it really isn't worth killing your family over...making them suffer...I was scared of becoming an addict.

Anyway...I wouldn't be around people that liked to drink...even now it makes me uncomfortable in many ways, on many levels.

There are MANY MANY MANY people out there that can go to the bar, have a few drinks "with the guys" and be fine.

It's called social drinking.

But for me...it's NOT fine. I don't like it. I can't tolerate it.

So, my partner cannot be a drinker.

When I met my ex...he was NOT a drinker...turns out he quit cold turkey after many years of drinking and had been sober for a while.

BUT

had not been to therapy or meetings.

So, it was easy to slip back into old patterns/routines...and once we got comfortable as a couple...his drinking slowly started up, then became a daily habit.

By then, I was emotionally invested.

I tolerated it, because, like you, he wasn't mean...he was actually MORE loving usually.

BUT

His drinking caused him to be irresponsible and unreliable.

I could not count on him to be where he said he would be, when he was supposed to be....plus, he frequently drove drunk.

When we would have a disagreement, he would bail out, escape for a few days, then come home when it had blown over, pick back up where we left off....dismissing the whole disagreement.

He could not face conflict, so he'd wait until I had calmed down about it and come home.

By then, I would have been in a panic about losing him and fearing abandonment, that I would beg him to come home and take him back on his terms...which meant letting go of whatever issue was bothering me.

until next time.

this was a repetitive cycle.

and I left him many times in three years only to go back many times.

IE - I was in a cast, couldn't drive...it was my bday the next day..his family was having a family thing the day before...we went, on the condition we get home early so we could clean and prepare for my bday celebration the next day.

we got there, he ignored me the whole time...wouldn't help me get food from the buffet line or anything...left me to go to the beach with the rest of the gang.

it got late...I requested we leave...he said he wasn't ready...I was tired...laid down and rested...got up, requested we leave again...he wouldn't leave...so I left without him...driving with a cast.

he didn't come home for three days....knowing I would be pissed.

truth was, he wanted to stay and visit with family he hadn't seen in a while and didn't want to leave.

but had NO consideration for me being in a cast or my bday the next day.

this was typical of him.

As for your BF...it doesn't matter if YOU think he has a problem...if he doesn't...then nothing is going to change.

And no matter how much you try to con yourself into accepting it, that it's ok...if it's not, it's not...and you will only get caught up in many internal conflicts over his behaviour.

I think perhaps it would benefit YOU to go to ACOA meetings...adult child of alcoholics...this will help you resolve some of the issues from your alcoholic family and help you decide what path to take.

Either you are going to realize that his drinking is no big deal, or you are going to come to a place where you realize it IS a big deal and you don't want to deal with it.

Either way, don't expect HIM to change.

May 16, 2007
4:18 pm
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atalose
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I left when his addiction to pills and steriods were in full swing. I didn't even speak to him until he was clean at least 90 days. When I saw how serious he was about his recovery I slowly came back into the picture. My boundary is set and I know I am strong enough to leave if he uses again.
Rising is so correct, it doesn't matter about him or how much or how often he drinks, it's about you and how his actions affect you. You don't cause him to drink and you can't cure him of his addiction and attempting to control it will just make you sick.
Alanon is good program for those who alcohol affects their lives.
Trust your gut and go with your instinks, always.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 16, 2007
4:19 pm
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Hi Itsmynick,

I haven't been here long but I can relate to what you're saying.

I was with my ex-husband for almost 6 yrs, 4.5 married. I didn't know his addictions until after we were married. I knew he had stopped drinking altogether b/c when he was younger he realized once he started he couldn't stop. I didn't know at the time that this was a form of addiction. Well the first thing I found was that he was addicted to porn, he kept saying he stopped then I would find more. Founds hundreds of video's on the computer. Then realized he was addicted to sex. He wanted it everyday if not multiple times. Then the drinking started back. He justified it by saying he would only do it at home so he knew he wouldn't get into a wreck or DUI. He had already gotten a couple of DUI's when he was younger and almost died in a wreck from driving and being totally incoherent. Then the one night went to two and every weekend. He would basically have a goal to drink 8-10 drinks. Why couldn't he just drink a couple I would ask. I know I'm able to just have a couple. I couldn't understand it. He also ate and drank other things in big doses, like a garbage disposal, so for awhile I dismissed it. When I would ask about the drinking, he would always get angry, same with the other stuff.

It still makes me sad that he couldn't just change for me and his child. We eventually split up after counseling and by the way when we were seperated the first time, he drank so much that he passed out at the bar and had to be taken to the hospital b/c they couldn't wake him. I went and rescued him and took him back. About 5 months later it ended for good when I realized he wouldn't change. Oh and the first time we seperated was after I caught him snorting who knows what. Previously he had sneaked out the house on occasion to smoke pot with a friend while I was in bed. I went to bed early in those days from exhaustion of taking care of our newborn child on my own and that is how I got repaid! I caught him doing that too. Everytime he got caught, he was mad about getting caught, not that he hurt me!

So, if you are in the early stages of your relationship and suspect a problem with drinking or any other addiction, be careful and keep your radar up. I've heard that people with addictions are susceptible of many forms, so if it's not drinking , it's something else. They have addictive tendencies by nature.

May 16, 2007
5:13 pm
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Slightly different tack, I lived with M. twice as a room mate, but there was still an emotional bond. The second time I lived with him, he was addicted to video games and was being neglectful of his then 2 year old daughter.

It didn't take terribly long after his verbal crap started again, because that's just what he does to me in particular. But I stuck it out because I was really looking out for the kiddo. Her mom couldn't be there all the time and most of the time I could be home when M. had the baby. E., (the mom) knew what was going on, but he had promised her he would not game so much.

Most of the crap really started to rain down when I confronted him about the gaming and what it was doing to his family. Reality is never a pretty picture for this guy, so I was being manipulative, I was feeding E. information (telling on him, he said, but he didn't call me a liar)and after that I got a military school style dressing down at least weekly. He would do his usual speal of I was a piece of crap, no wonder no one loved me, E. and the baby loved him and only him, blah, blah, blah mixed in with a whole lot of cussing. Frankly, the cussing is a thing I haven't tolerated in my general direction for years. So I walked away from him while he was still talking.

That offended him but disarmed him. He asked my why I would do such a thing. I just told him if he wanted to speak to me in a reasonable manner without swearing at me and without yelling, then we could have a discussion.

Since we (E. and I) moved out and since M. has moved to Michigan, he's contacted me once. He hasn't needed anything from me lately, so fortunately, he doesn't contact me anymore.

At some point, I think you just have to say "enough is enough" and walk away. It took me ten years in this case. Six of them I was actually living with M. not as a girlfriend, but I considered him family. I paid bills to keep the water and the lights on and because of that I didn't have anything to leave with.

Again, not quite the same situation as yours. I would say if he's been lying about the drinking he may be lying about other stuff too. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Lilliam

May 16, 2007
5:51 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Well, I tried to work things out with my addict wife, while she was in recovery. she's been in for 3 years now and doing better. but do you know what I have experienced? "It's because of you that i used." riggghhhtt..F U very much too.

It wasn't 'i used because i was unhappy with you and responded in a stupid way."

No..I got "yes, it was my choice to use but it is your fault."

then i got cheated on...with some loser she met in recovery. weho she couldn't even stop talking to while we were supposed to be working on our marriage.

look in my experience..and this is not judgment OK? but most addicts are f'd up people and frankly they suck. sure 1 out of 10 may blossom and become beautiful people...but they are friggin wacked for the most part. most addicts relapse...most addicts will use anything and anyone to feed their addiction and themselves. well..if you have the strength for that..great. I tried. I don't. I'm done. that sounds bitter i guess because i am bitter. I'm working on it, but I don't expect that I'll regret divorcing her. I have regretted getting involved with her though.

May 16, 2007
6:06 pm
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courage to change
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Want my experience. Ive been in recovery a while and glitter is quite correct, most addicts dont recover.

In my experience I have found its not so much the addiction, but the behaviour that goes with the addiction, and their are different extremes of the addictions. Question, dont most people have some kind of addiction anyway? To me its just the severity of the addiction and the behaviour that goes with it.

Im most probably going to press a lot of buttons saying what I am about to say, but hear goes anyway.

For me, im not interested in getting involved with alcoholics or chemical users. Whether they are recovering or not. I dont have the energy to deal with that stuff anymore. (behaviour patterns)

Secondly, I have developed another world outside of the recovery rooms, and there are people out there who dont drink and use drugs etc, and they are lovely also. However they may be addicted to other things, like adrenalin highs through exercise, working or whatever. I can personally cope with that on a certain level, providing there behaviour is respectful towards me.

So at the end of the day, people do what they want to do, but whoever I get involved with(friends, family,lover) has to have the similar ethics, values and moral as me, before they even come into my world.

WHY

Because I deserve loving people around me, and I m tired of all the crap I put up with in the past. I do not have the energy for RUBBISH in my life anymore, and yes I want quality in my life NOW.

May 16, 2007
6:38 pm
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thedogsmom
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(itsmynick)
Welcome to this site. It has been a life-saver for me. Really helpful. I hope you find the answers/help/advice you need here. There are many wonderful, giving, loving, and caring people.
I FINALLY found the strength to kick out my addict b/f and it has only been a few weeks that he has actually left. I have let him come back and spend a few more nights and given him MORE money since he left on May 1st.

I didn't really want to break-up with him. I still love him- but I had been unhappy for the past 3 of our 8-9 year relationship. I found out he was addicted to meth in November 2004. My first reaction was to tell him to leave-- but then I thought I should just work on the relationship and let him get help for his addiction. Let's just say-- he attempted to get help= but never stopped the lying, and drugging and decieving...and eventually I could no longer respect or believe in him or his love for me.

I think I truly would have left him a LONG time ago-- IF all I had to do was pack my bags and GO... but everything ..house, cars, insurance, bills...etc...is in my name...and he didn't make enough money to support himself.. and he was a real nice guy (besides the lying, cheating, stealing, drugging...etc..) and easy to live with......and I FELT so RESPONSIBLE and SORRY for him. I guess I still feel this way.

But eventually, I got SICK and TIRED of being SICK and TIRED and LONELY and paying all the bills and singing the same old tunes...over and over with NOTHING changing...except my own happiness and health failing... so with the advice and help of my newfound friends here... I finally kicked him out... and already I'm feeling BETTER!

I wish I could just give you the magic dust to know the right thing to do. It has to be your decision and your own time frame. We can tell you to just leave him...but you won't be able to until YOU are good and ready to make that leap..
Good luck to you.
TDM

May 16, 2007
6:53 pm
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StronginHim77
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Thedogsmom summed it up very well:

"...you won't be able to until YOU are good and ready to make that leap."

She's right. I was engaged to an alcoholic for 16 months and it was HELL ON EARTH, but I stuck around for the entire, 16 months. He, ultimately, chose his addiction over his relationship with me (was there ever really any doubt which one an addict would choose?).

Those were sixteen of the loneliest, emptiest months of my life (I am 56). I regret them, but I am now tackling the codependency which tied me to such a damaged man in the first place. The problem does not lie solely in the addict; it lies within each of us who choose such damaged partners to "love." I must FIX MYSELF, before I can begin to make healthier choices in partners.

You are probably younger than I am, so I am so glad that you are questioning your choices earlier than I did. Don't wait until you are looking back on DECADES of your life, wasted on trying to fix "un-fixable" men. If you feel uncomfortable with this man's drinking, if you have detected any deception or dishonesty on his part, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, as soon as you can face such a courageous -- but self-preserving -- act.

In the meantime, keep posting. We are all here for you and no one will judge you.

- Ma Strong

May 16, 2007
7:10 pm
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itsmynick
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hi, thanks for all u're posts..:D

i just want to tell u that i spoke with a counsellor today and she suggested because i wasn't sure, that i take more time in coming up with a decision, and that both of us seek some answers within ourselves. For me, i should find out why I see things in black or white with him. I am going to go to a CODA mtg. tonight and continue with al-anon and my readings.

I spoke with my guy about seeing the counsellor and he is in agreement. I know that his dad was an alcoholic who died of cirrhosis at 45 and that he denied his dad had a problem.

I guess what i need to do is take some time with this. I know he is a good caring man, and that he has something he needs to address and deal with. I know its up to him to do this, so we'll see how this goes.

Another thing the counsellor said to me that really hit me was that I am teaching my kids on how to interact. Am I teaching them that alcohol is bad? I don't want them to think that if anyone drinks they are bad! Or that there is no such thing as someone who can drink socially? I don't want to mess them up! I also want to show them that if u care for someone, you'll try to help them, that u won't just give up.

Of course, all situations are different. If he does beat me, steal and cause me troubles financially etc. then that'd be a different story.

Again, thank you all! I'm so happy I found u! 🙂

May 16, 2007
7:37 pm
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good for you. you are seeking help and takinig your time to make a big decision on how to best handle your situation and marriage.

you asked " what if they're not an addict? don't believe they are an addict and don't come home raging drunk"..
well- difficult question-because what makes an addiction an addiction?
I would say "X" becomes an addiction when it begins to interfere in a negative way with important areas in your life.

If he only drinks a few drinks a night, his personality does not change for the worse, he continues to treat you and your family and finances responsibly and "x" doesn't bother you or those he loves in a way you can't cope with..... then it shouldn't be a problem.

If on the other hand it bothers you- for whatever reasons-- even reasons you may not understand yourself... then "X" must stop OR you must change your thinking/behavior about it and/or learn to accept it.

It seems that he has LIED to you about drinking with the fellows after work. Truthfully-- it is the LIES- the deception that caused the MAIN problems in my relationship. TRUST is SO important in a relatiohship.
So that is what you have to talk about too. Also going out with the fellows for a few drinks after work---doesn't have to be a problem...but IF TRUST is NOT there-- then going OUT somewhere for a drink where WIFEY is NOT around can be a VERY BIG and BAD temptation-- especially when feeling good and high under the influence. So that may be something to consider and discuss with him too.

I could NEVER tell when my b/f was 'high' and although he drank a few drinks every night-- he was NEVER acting silly- obnoxious, mean... HE was ALWAYS VERY POLITE and treated me lovingly-- and I could NEVER tell that he was drinking. It bothered me- because he LIED and HID that from me. Found out he had been going after work with the boys drinking for a few years! I felt so foolish and betrayed by not knowing this! He said he didn't tell me because I had mentioned once (when he drove home raging drunk) that I didn't like IT! so he decided to hide it from me!

Deception is NEVER acceptable.
TDM

May 17, 2007
6:09 pm
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thumkin
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I agree with TDM. My boyfreind was a definite alcoholic. But he was never mean to me, mostly considerate, I could rarely ever tell that he had even been drinking if I didnt see him doing it. Maybe about once every three months he would get drunk drunk and stay that way for 2-3 days, and I would get annoyed at him. BUT if he would have lied to me would have killed anything we had together.

I have ended up in 3 relationships with alcoholics (I know I have a problem) and it was the lying that was the worst. Its hurt was more hidden but painful. Like physical abuse leaves bruises and they hurt but lying doesnt leave a mark on the outside, only on the inside.

No one else can make a decision like this for you and every alcoholic or addict is different. I would not trade a single second of my last relationship, even though I knew I was headed for a heartache when I entered it. You just have to have your eyes wide open, know as much information as you can, and then make your decision.

May 18, 2007
2:47 am
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itsmynick
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wow.. i'm grateful for all the words of wisdom.. thank you! 🙂

one day at a time..right? today was a good day.. 🙂

i also found an al-anon meeting for ACOA's. cant wait for that!

i told him i'm not gonna make any promises.. that i'm gonna go to my meetings, do my readings, see the counsellor and i want him to see the counsellor too.. thats it..

and i'm gonna try to accept his drinking as long as it doesn't interfere with anything..

honestly, i think our chances of this working out is 50/50 at this point..

i take comfort in knowing that should it not work, that i'll have tried and i know that i'll manage on my own.. and that if it works, even better! 🙂

peace and serenity...NOW! 😉

May 18, 2007
2:48 am
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itsmynick
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oh, hey, its my happy birthday! well, it will be in about 12 mins.. 😀

May 18, 2007
8:39 am
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risingfromtheashes
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happy birthday!

I guess my question is...WHY is HE going to a counselor?

If he doesn't think he has a problem, why go to counseling?

Just something that struck me as odd.

And the other thing...why should YOU go to meetings to learn to accept his behaviour? If it bothers you, he isn't the right one...why try to learn to live with it? why not spend the time and energy on something you enjoy, instead of in therapy, meetings and such, trying to learn to accept something that just doesn't feel right?

There are guys who will treat you well who DON"T DRINK....it's all about being patient enough to wait until you find them.

Why try to fit a square peg in a round hole?

Again, I don't understand why he is going to counseling if he doesn't think he has a problem.

May 18, 2007
12:48 pm
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itsmynick
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hi rising..:) thanks for the bday wishes..:)

well, to answer u're question about him seeing the counsellor, i want him to and the counsellor suggests he does as well.

u see, we were both going to see a counsellor since last year.. we were going to split then due to me finding out about the following:

1. i suspected he was drinking or something and found out that yes, he had smoked pot and drank a few times - he denied it at first, outright lied about it

2. due to these 'suspicions' of mine..(which by the way, as I'm sure you all know, are classic acoa/co-dependent symptoms) i found some weird text msgs on his phone and found out that they were from a woman he met thru work.. well, he tried to cover that up by changing 'her' name to 'brian'.. but due to my highly keen instincts, i discovered the truth.. he FINALLY admitted that yes, Brian was a woman, BUT there was absolutely nothing going on romantically.

3. it was at this point that i threw him out on his ear..(well, not literally..) 😉

4. of course, he was calling, I talked to him briefly at times to arrange for him to get his stuff, but during one of these calls, he asked if I'd go to counselling with him..he really wanted to 'make it work'.. Needless to say, I was dumbfounded..first thing that popped in my head was that when my ex (my kids' dad of 13.5 yrs)and I were having problems, i wanted him to see a counsellor for his drinking..

5. k, so out of the sessions we have had, we only just started getting into family of origin. this is where i found out about his fathers early death due to alcohol; about his parents' separation and how it affected him so terribly; so yeh, we both have issues.. (as i mentioned i grew up with it as well, and my ex has a problem..)

6. so, in conclusion, the counselling can't hurt..it can only help.. if it doesn't then, well, we'll see..

7. i told him i won't promise anything.. i don't know how its gonna be.. as long as he drinks responsibly and it doesnt affect us then i'm willing to TRY to accept it.. as i said before, i don't want to teach my kids that alcohol is bad and that anyone that drinks it is bad.. i don't want to make them 'think like me' when it comes to that.

8. i CAN drink socially (i only do occasionally, i can have 1 beer for a whole night out) i don't need it to go dancing, i don't always have one while out with others that drink.. but u see, when we first met, we drank.. but i quickly saw HOW he drank.. its like he drank to get drunk. So, early in our relationsip, I said, "whoa'.. this doesn't seem right, I don't like it.." so he quit.. (or so he said).. he said he did quit for 1 year which proves to him he doesn't have a problem..

9. so.. thats that. We get along so well other than all that other crap. I love him and care for him so I'm willing to give it 'one more go..' I'm gonna try this..one day at time..

10. today's another good day so far.. 🙂

I will try to Let Go.. and Let God..

Peace.. 🙂

May 18, 2007
1:04 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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he has problems with drinking.

AND he is irresponsible being emotionally unfaithful to you and lying.

you say that his drinking doesn't affect you...but it appears it does.

lying and texting with another woman is NOT a small issue...and more difficult to fix sometimes than just putting down the bottle.

plus, if you and your counselor think he should see a counselor, but he is only doing it to keep you from leaving...he is doing it for the wrong reasons.

He may have family of origin issues, but it's your codepedent issue that is trying to get him to change.

I wish you the best of luck.

May 18, 2007
1:17 pm
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itsmynick
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hi again rising.. thank u so much for u're response.. 🙂

i didn't say his drinking didn't affect me, cuz it sure does! (which is why i'm going to al-anon and coda)because he hasn't came home drunk.. but i can tell.. some would say, 'there's nothing wrong with having a drink now and then..' so i know i have 'control' issues..

and we BOTH have family of origin issues..

i have decided i'm going to TRY.. to me, if it works, it's worth the try..and if it doesn't then at least I can say that i tried.. right?

time will tell.. 🙂 hope i have nothing but good to report! 😀

SERENITY NOW! 😉

May 18, 2007
1:24 pm
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itsmynick
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oh, one more thing..

when i went to my 2nd al-anon meeting, there was this woman there who has been with her addict for 30 years! (she has been going to al-anon for the past 8 years).. and you know what? she seemed so bitter..

all i could think was,'i don't want that to be me..i don't wanna be there 5 years from now dealing with the same stuff, much less 20 years from now!'.. needless to say, i left that meeting feeling worse.. thats insanity..trying to forecast what the future holds.. who am i to try to play God? i have to try to deal with it today..

thanks again for u're honesty and insight rising.. 🙂

May 18, 2007
1:41 pm
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At_it_Again
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Itsmynick,

Happy Birthday! 🙂

I just wanted to chime in that since he changed the woman's name to Brian, then by all means he was trying to cover it up and whether or not he was physically involved, he may have been emotionally. The fact that he was hiding it says it's wrong!

Sounds like this guy has serious issues that I think he should be working on alone and IF he gets better and then decides he wants to give it another try, it would be worth trying at that point, not while you stick by his side. I have learned the hard way that people don't change unless they really want to and if he knows he's got you either way, I think he may be less likely to change. I think you may be wasting your efforts and you would really see that IF he changed once you were not together. If he did, great, if not, well then no more time lost. Just my opinion.

I know it's hard and easier said than done! 🙂

Anyway, hope you enjoy your day!!

May 18, 2007
4:23 pm
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Rewind
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I threw my chap M out 2 weeks ago, after 2yrs together.
Yes he was very charming and I could see the good side of him.....but the alcohol!!What a nightmare it all became.

I have heard all the promises, done the counselling, taken him back after cheating & lying.Lived in hope.

Only to find he has done it all again behind my back..."Oh, but I love him"....he even proposed to get his foot back in the door!

I finally decided ENOUGH!My child does not deserve to be brought up in this environment & I am emotionally/physically/financially drained.

Wish you well and some people do change, but hope you don't waste precious energy on someone who will always be a drain.

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