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Did it... but it doesn't feel right..
September 22, 2008
2:14 am
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CoRo
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I finally stood my ground and asked my girlfriend to leave. I told her that I couldn't go through all the hurts, jealousy and control no more. I didn't know I could be so strong to tell her how I really felt. In the past, she would leave but she'd always come back and I would welcome her each time thinking she would change. I was away for the weekend and when my son and I returned today, her and all her belongings were gone. It felt so empty and lonely. My son was so excited to see her but when she wasn't here, he was sad. He kept asking where she was. I know I don't deserve what I went through but in my heart I know that I love her but my heart also tells me that I can't live like that way no more. Yet, I am saddened for my son, who loves her dearly. I'm keeping positive and only thinking of the good times yet, I hurt. Am I suppose to feel this way? I think of her kindness and her beauty and it makes me sad. But as soon as I think of the jealousy, control and all the hurts, it makes me angry.

September 22, 2008
5:10 am
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CAMER
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hi CoRo, you did the right thing, its all fresh and new with the breakup and you will go thru times of pain and sorrow. How long were you both dating???

it takes time, know deep in your heart you did the right thing.

Keep posting, it helps.

September 22, 2008
11:17 am
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atalose
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Your going to feel allot of mixed emotions right now, but that’s natural.

Time really does heal all wombs, allow yourself that time.

The big mistake us codies make is when that hurt feels unbearable we cave in, we invite them back into our lives on the hope that they have changed. No one change’s in a few days or a few weeks or even months. The initial comfort of having them back seems to quiet our emotions but soon we end up in the exact same place we were before.

Being healthy is allowing our selves to work through all those emotions even when they become overwhelming.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 22, 2008
12:39 pm
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cancer
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wow! atalose I'm impressed by your advise, this is how I'm feeling except I am fighting with my best friend and i feel like i have lost her and everything our friendship stood for.

September 22, 2008
12:58 pm
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fantas
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Good for you CoRo!!! Atalose is right. It feels awful at first but it will pass over time. Just because you aren't together doesn't mean your son can't have a relationship with her. I'm assuming she isn't the mother. Perhaps you can talk with your son about this in words that he understands and assure him that she still loves him. My guess is she is expecting you to cave in again like you have done in the past and if you don't she might contact you again. Keep posting. We are here for you!

September 22, 2008
3:09 pm
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_anonymous
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What you are feeling is perfectly normal. It is called ambivalence. The damned if you do and damned if you dont feeling.

With all relationships there were things that you loved about the person as well as things you could not tolerate.

It seems like the things you could not tolerate outweighed the good.

Because you love her I know that you would not have made the decision to have her leave unless you absolutly had to.

But, like you said the pattern was she left and then you took her back. There is a good chance she will come back, and you will take her back.

I have been through the same exact thing myself.

There isnt an upside to a relationship once it ends. It hurts. But, bad relationshps also hurt when they continue.

The only thing that works is time and a lot of it. And trying to cultivate other relationships with healthier people.

The feeling is comparable to a drug addict or alcoholic. They drink and do drugs even though they know it is bad for them and it makes their life a living hell. And when they quit they go through withdrawals where they constantly think about drugs and alcohol and are convinced that nothing will make them feel happy until they can pick up or use again. Kind of the same way someone feels when they are getting away from a toxic partner. I guess what you are going through is like a detox.

Yes, it is hard on kids. They dont understand.

September 22, 2008
3:13 pm
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CoRo
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Thank you all for the advice. I am getting along fine but my son keeps telling me he misses her. We have lived together for 2 and a half years. Her and my son have grown to love each other and have gotten along fine. I assure him that he loves her and before she left, she had called me and told me she was leaving and that she knows I won't put up with all the bull anymore and that I don't deserve it. She said she wants to change because she lost the best thing that has ever happened to her. She said that she'll always love my son and that if he ever needs her, to contact her because she'll do whatever she can for him. This morning he drew her some pictures and I told him that I'll help him mail them to her. I think this is the hardest of it all, helping him deal with her not being here anymore.

September 23, 2008
3:45 pm
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_anonymous
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CoRo- I raised my husbands daughters that he had with 2 different women. I still keep in contact with the oldest and sent her a care package. Seems like both parents appreciate and allow this. The relationship I have with his daughter is closer than the one I have with my own kids. Probably cause she is a girl and I have 2 boys at home. I think it is mature of you 2 let the 2 of them figure it out.

September 23, 2008
9:37 pm
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CoRo
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Thank you Destinystar. I find it harder each day that goes by because he is constantly mentioning her and saying how much he misses her. I know she loves him and I assure him each time he speaks of her but at times I find myself thinking I did the wrong thing or made the wrong choice.

September 23, 2008
11:42 pm
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marypoppins
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CoRo,

My exh is a very good father, but he was unable to be a good husband to me. My daughter once told me she felt bad because she knew Daddy treated her better than me. That was very upsetting for me to hear.

I think it's much healthier for my daughter to see that I'm standing on my own now and no longer tolerating being treated poorly. She can have her own relationship with her father and not feel guilty about it.

You are a role model for your son. By letting go of an unhealthy relationship, you're showing him how important it is for us to take care of ourselves.

Of course he misses her. That's okay. That doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. In my opinion, you're doing the right thing by allowing him to express his feelings and doing what you can to let them stay in touch.

Good luck to you.

Mary

September 24, 2008
1:56 am
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CoRo
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Thank you Mary! 😀 I know the only way her and I would or could ever get involved again is for her to get help for herself and want to change her ways. Until then, I can't and won't live the way I was. My son does love her and I won't put her down to him because I want him to know his feelings are okay. I continue to hug him and hold him and tell him things will be okay.

September 24, 2008
9:41 am
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truthBtold
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CoRo,

You are being so strong and courageous!

I was thinking the same exact thing before I read Mary's comments:

"You are a role model for your son. By letting go of an unhealthy relationship, you're showing him how important it is for us to take care of ourselves."

So True!!!!!

You have no idea what a positive example you are setting!!!!

You are breaking the chain and not passing down to yet another generation on 'settling' for less.

Please continue to be strong in standing your ground and for holding true to what you know is in your heart.

My hats off to you!

September 24, 2008
8:24 pm
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CoRo
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Thank you truthBtold. This site really helps me out alot. In the past I use to feel like I was losing my mind when she'd leave but this time I know better. I feel great! I had a good talk with my therapist today also and she said I am doing the right thing for myself and its good that I am letting my son express his own feelings. Thanks again!!

September 24, 2008
11:29 pm
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marypoppins
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CoRo,

I'm glad you're feeling better about your decision, and happy to hear that you're seeing a therapist.

Obviously, your son is extremely important to you. I wish that more parents would put their children first and have the courage to really do what's best for them.

Thank you for sharing your story. Keep posting.

Mary

September 25, 2008
2:11 am
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CoRo
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Hey Mary, thanks for the input!

Tonight I feel angry about what she put me through and throughout it all, she told me over and over that she loved me. The day she left, she called and told me she loves me and she'll always love me. The part that makes me angry is if she loves me so much, why couldn't she change her ways? She told me that I was breaking her heart and that she wished she never met me. Yet a few minutes later she told me she loved me. I don't get it and it p*sses me off! I love that woman so much! A friend of mine said she probably does love me and that she'll get help when she is ready too. I'm just angry because I took the extra step to get help and she couldn't even do her part for our love. Is it wrong for me to think this way?
CoRo

September 25, 2008
6:47 pm
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marypoppins
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((((CoRo))))

You asked if it's wrong for you to be angry at her because she "couldn't even do her part for our love".

It's not wrong. But it's not helpful to think of it in that way.

Read the threads on this forum, and you'll find some people unwilling to go to counseling and face their issues. It takes courage, and people go if and when they're ready. They may make the same mistakes over and over before finally getting help. Or they may never face their issues.

I was angry with my exh for years because he wouldn't go to counseling. In the end, he gave up the marriage rather than face himself and his issues.

It's beyond our control. They offer what they can offer. We give what we can. When a couple is unable to grow and work together, the relationship dies. It doesn't mean there is no love, in my opinion, or even that the love is inferior in some way. The love that is lacking is self love. And we cannot make someone love themselves.

You're going to go through a range of emotions - those stages of loss. Allow yourself to feel everything, just as you allow your son to feel his feelings.

Do you HAVE to talk with her? It's more healing to not have contact.

You might ask your therapist if you can bring your son to a session.

Take care!

Mary

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