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Did I marry the right guy?
March 3, 2002
5:40 pm
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kcginger
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I met my husband when I was 18. At 19 we moved in together. Then 6 months before we were married my exboyfriend and I ended up as lab partners in college. He and my husband knew each other from high school. Z (my husband) asked J(the friend) to be a groomsman. We all became close friends. I noticed how much I enjoyed being aroung J. A couple months before the wedding I got scared and had second thoughts. My mom said Z was a great guy most men were not this great and I could never find someone this supportive. I didn't want to let anyone down or mess up my life so with J on my mind I walked down the asile one month before my 21 birthday. As I was saying my vows to Z I cried and looked at J. No one to this day (6 1/2 years later) knows this. I make the best of my life. I feel that I made the choice and now I better make it work. We have the perfect life to an outsider. We built a home, I stay at home an raise our 3 year old daughter. My husband and I don't fight. I think is easier to deal with my feelings myself. BUT when I see J my heart melts. Hw is still one of our best friends. At night I have dreams of us together. I always said I would put my child first. There is no fighting and we spend alot of family time together. We are great parents. But I am not in love. I'm making it work by reminding myself to make love to my husband and to cheer him on in life.

March 3, 2002
6:27 pm
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Molly
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Consider your self lucky. You have stability, and passion usually is just one long rollercoaster ride. As long as you continue to torture your self over your decision, and commitment I might ad, you are cheating your self and your family. you cannot be in two places at the same time. Its ok to have that fantasy, however living with a shoulda woulda coulda approach, will drive you and those around you nuts. Shake you head, look around and be greatful for what you have, best not to look back. yes you did marry the right guy.

March 4, 2002
12:02 am
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SuzyQ
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KC,
Wow! Molly and Blondie have such great advice, I can't compete. However, I will say this. KC, do you ever think that things happen for a reason? It sounds like your 3y.o. daughter was "meant to be" therefore so was this marriage for a time. Maybe you guys should go to counseling to make things work again. As far as J. is concerned, he may only be a figment of your imagination. What I'm trying to say actually is that you may have a perception of what you want him to be that might be fantasy. This may have nothing to do with how he really is. I think a lot of us hate reality b/c we want to see things how we wish they could be. Believe me, I know I want to. As humans, we deal with a lot in the unconscious which actually makes us more sane than we could be.
Well, KC, good luck with everything!
~SuzyQ

March 4, 2002
12:16 am
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amwilson0
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This might be totally out of line but in my opinion your child must come first and having her Mom and Dad together is what is best for her. Don't take that away from her. You and your wants have to come second to your child's.

I am an adult child of a broken home and have lived a life trying to figure out why my Dad didn't love me enough to stick around. Which has lead to a not so very happy life for me (very codependant)

March 4, 2002
8:47 am
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kcginger
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After I wrote in last night I felt so guilty. I do love my husband, and yes he is a good man. I know I just sometimes get caught up in "what ifs". I never want to ruin my family. I guess sometimes we are out of passion and that is what I crave. We have been together 8 years. Maybe, we need to work on that. I would NEVER act on my feelings to J. I could not hurt my husband, daughter or my life that way.

Blondie has a point I think I am a bored stay at home mom. My daughter is not as demanding now as she was when she was a baby. I don't want to go back to work until she is in school.

March 4, 2002
11:47 am
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Cici
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You could try volunteering. Or playgroups. My older sister has a 2 year old and she's always running around doing activities, going to the zoo, playgroup, free stuff at the public library, etc.

I know how you feel (kind of). It's the lure of what you know you can't have, really, the idea of the person rather than the person himself. Reality always seems more deflated than our ideals, the romantic castles we build in the sky. Laundry and dirty diapers and stinky socks can't compete with that romantic image in our mind.

I'm 22 and married last June, when I was 21. I still think about this one guy, who had been my best friend and with whom I had cheated on my present husband. I told hubby, though, so I can't associate with the "other man." It's safer, but I still think about him because it's a fantasy. I know that fantasy should stay fantasy, usually the reality would be too messy and I would just trade one set of problems for another.

Good luck, keep venting!

March 4, 2002
12:08 pm
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deshong
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Hey KC,

Remember, First of all there is a reason why J is your EX. One of you broke up with the other for a reason.

Do not waist your time in a fantasy about J. If he really wanted you, loved you and wanted to live happily ever after with you, he would have expressed this to you prior to the marriage, even if you were engaged. He did not think that you were worth the risk. After all, he had you first anyway. He had his chance and let you go. Think about it.

Get active and get over him. Remember that love is NOT a feeling, it is an action. Feelings come and go. Go to counselling if necesaary. Your marriage is worth saving especially since there is a child involved.

Be blessed!

March 4, 2002
7:54 pm
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amwilson0
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There is a great web site FLToday.com they have all sorts of seminars and information that might help you "bring back that lovin' feeling". Good luck

March 4, 2002
7:56 pm
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Molly
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Those after baby blues really suck, all dressed up, with no where to go, then you get barfed on, or the diaper leaks. Its hard, but just remember we had it so much harder, no cable, no vcr, just cal worthington and his dog spot, inbetween the Jersey maid commercials, while you were nursing, insult to injury. We didn't have the internet either, and you can take classes, while inbetween the dishes, and diapers, think about that one ? You do need to get out and about, I used to dial O just to hear another adult, their father traveled. Find a mommy and me group and meet some other mom's . Join the y, or a gym, and shake your booty. YOur gonna be ok, give your hubby a big hug tonight.

March 5, 2002
11:33 am
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kcginger
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It is strange how real life can jump up and wake you up. Last night at mimidnight my neighbor called and wanted me to come over. She had to call the police on her husband for abusing her. After staying and making sure she was alright, I can home and crawled in bed with my husband and cried. I knew that I could trust him with my life, our child's life and all my hopes and dreams. I love him so much. I don't even want to know what life would be without him.

I believe that the "j" thing is just something in my head. I remember why I broke up with him. He was not caring and very selfish. Just think without this marriage I would not have this beautiful daughter.

I guess I could have figured all this out on my own, but I have never put the words out there. I guess when you get them out you can analyze what you are really feeling. I am lucky! I do have a great family! I just had a few moments of clouded vision. I'm just sorry I didn't see this before. So from here my husband and I had a long talk about alot of stuff this morning (4 am) OH WELL. Here is to happy days ahead!!! Thanks for listening.

March 5, 2002
11:58 am
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deshong
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AWWWW

That is sooo sweet. I can't wait till I meet my other man of my dreams!!

My FIRST man of my dreams is Jesus Christ! 😉

You are a blessed woman.

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