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did he cheat?
March 17, 2006
5:43 pm
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lost lady
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i have always trusted my husband up until some shady stuff began happening. not trusting him is really taken its toll on me, emotionally and physically. how do i get him to tell me if something happened?

well the story goes like this:
in november i noticed a bite mark on his arm, he works in a bar and sometimes they get drunk and play around. well he said it was this chick and she did it to other people too. i was like well dont let people especially girls bite you, they should respect that you are married and that it doesnt look good, he said ok and that he would tell her to back off.
well months went by i forgot and then one day in the beginning of march i was getting into his car and there was a cheap suvenere (sp?) on the seat, i was like what is that and he told me that the same chick went away and got everyone gifts, i rolled my eyes and threw it in the back.
we had a party at our house a few days after and he told me the day before the party she was gonna be there, he told me she was his friend and that she wanted us to get along. when she came to the party she brought me flowers was like "oh so nice to meet you" blah blah the party went well, we got drunk, she apologized for biting justin and then she passed out in the bed with me and my husband i left the bed, yelled at my husband for not leaving too, she left to another bed, my husband and i had a HUGE fight because i got so mad
the next day my husband kept saying that i should apologize to her etc. i planned on it until i found out that he was venting about the fight to her and found a text message that said 'do you want me to see you? i dont want you to be sad..' i was like what the @#$% is this about and he said 'shes a good friend, she was there for our fight..'
i told him he should have been talking to me and that she has no place to get into our marriage and that he should talk to a proffesional
i started to look into what hes been doing on the cell phone and beginning in feb he called her several times and whenever i was at work. i was out of town and he called her a bunch of times at 5am (when they get out of work) and then on a night i was working he talked to her for 3hours!! i was irate and he said it was when she was on her trip and she was lonely and frustrated about work, and they were just being friends (he hates to talk on the phone by the way) i asked him why he called her when i was out of town at 5am he said "i dont know, probly to see if she got home safe" the more i ask him the more he says 'i dont know' its making me nuts because how could you not know why you called someone, he keeps insisting that they were just good friends but i am having a difficult time trusting him. how do i get him to stop saying i dont know and tell me everything
thanks

March 17, 2006
5:54 pm
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gingerleigh
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It smells like cheating to me... or rather, it smells like emotional infidelity to me. There might be nothing physical going on, but he is definitely seeking emotional stimulation from a woman other than his wife, you.

Pushing on him isn't going to get him to come clean though, nor will it get him to stop talking to her. He is an independent human, and if he wants to talk to her, he will continue to do so no matter what restraints you put on him.

The real question is why. Why is he putting this energy into a relationship other than the one that the two of you have together? What's missing between the two of you right now?

March 17, 2006
9:14 pm
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thedogsmom
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depends on how 'you' define cheating?
if he's sneaking around making phone calls to new women in his life that you don't know while you are at work and at5AM in the morning and while you are out of town-and he knows you wouldn't like or approve of it yet he does it anyhow..He is cheating in my book. the reason he is saying "i don't know" is because he doesn't have a better answer to give you...
Does it really matter if he is sleeping with her or just hanging out with her? Would it be alright with him if you develop a new friendship with someone you work with and start going out after work for drinks with him and exchange cell phone numbers and you two talk for hours while your husband is away? What if your new "good friend" just playfully slaps you and your girlfriends on the butt and leaves a mark? Would that be okay with him?
I don't think so. sounds like thats what single people do NOT married people. The definition of cheating :a fraud/swindle: to foil or elude: to be dishonest or deceitful:to be unfaithful or have sex with someone outside of the relationship?

Sounds and seems "shady" to you because what he is doing is WRONG.If it were really that innocent and she were really a 'good' friend then he should have NO problem talking to her on the phone when you are home in front of you. There is no reason why she shouldn't call your house and talk to you too if she were truly just a good friend. She should have had more sense and respect for you to have crawled into your bed with your husband in it..whether she were drunk or not. It's just wrong .. He knows it and so does she..and so do you..
Now , how you you get him to tell you if something happened? You can't. You can't force it out of him. He is an adult, like ginger said and you don't have control over him or what he will do in the future. You can only talk to him about what you already know about the situation and tell him how you feel about the phone calls and the friendship that developed without your knowlege and how that makes you feel and how he has now lost your trust. You can tell him what you expect or want from him in the future to gain your trust back. You have the right to ask him to stop seeing this lady and to stop all contact with her if that is what you want or need to gain his trust back.
Much easier for me to dish this advice out than do it for myself. I know how you feel. I too had a wonderful husband for 5 years and then suddenly he started acting 'shady' and to this day I will NEVER know if he actually had sex with another woman...but I do feel this alone is cheating me and I did not deserve it. The shadiness and lies continue 2 years later and the trust has not came back for me ,because my guy has proved himself untrustworthy. I am still trying to find the strength to call it quits and move on without him. Hope I don't sound to harsh but I don't want to see you here two years from now still wondering and worrying and not having any answers.

March 19, 2006
3:30 am
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lost lady
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thank you for the feedback. i went out on friday to his work (not unusual) with my friends and after last call she approached me and agreed it was messed up the way they were talking and she kept assuring me nothing happened. she said her parents are getting divorced and he is like a big brother (hes like 10yrs older) and easy to talk to and thats why they were on the phone for 3hrs. i am still a bit uneasy about the whole thing and she wants to be my friend (wtf) its so weird and shes weird, that night she was planning on hooking up with this chick who is the girlfriend of another guy that works there so her morals are a bit different from mine. i am going along with it but i still feel paranoid though. if any men can interpret his behavior that would be great. thanks

March 19, 2006
4:44 am
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alycia
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You tend to think that if something wasnt going on she would not be so up front with you ..

Thats how i tend to percieve it. Its still horrible for you though but unfortunately some ppl do have male and female friends and they must have gotten friendly thru work.

It is a bit over the top though, the biting and all that u mentioned.

You need to have a good chat to ur partner cause alot of it isnt for married ppl as the person above me quoted.

I just feel that for her to be able to tell u to ur face nothing is happening, there must be nothing happening if that makes sense, i am sure if there was she wouldnt be able to look u in the eye.

Did she make real eye contact with you and appear to be honest with you?

I would be very jealous, maybe not if there was a friendship with a female when i went in but if it occured during the relationship.

I hope it gets better for you.

March 20, 2006
8:56 pm
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lost lady
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i do feel very jealous, if it was me doing this to him he wouldve lost it(which he knows and admits). we need to smooth things over. i still think he likes her and i dont know what to do, he is starting to get annoyed by my doubts but i cant help it. last night we were visiting her while she was bartending and i was talking to my husband about how my dad seemed down on the phone that day (his brother was murdered in nov.) and when i paused he goes, i think she just had an argument with her friend. he wasnt even listening to me. err! he said that she is 30lbs overweight (true) and he doesnt like her that way, but he seems very interested in whats going on in her life.

March 21, 2006
12:17 pm
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gingerleigh
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I heard on the radio (I think it was John Tesh?) that there was a study done on the body language of liars. Most people tend to think that liars generally avoid eye contact when telling a lie, but the study found that liars are quite capable to looking you right in the face while they spin their tales. So still with great respect to those who posted the opinion that since she talked to you, everything must really be on the up-and-up, I disagree. It might very well be that she's being honest, but it still doesn't ring true for me, and I sense that it doesn't sit well with you either.

In any event, her actions (and your husband's actions) are not within your control, so all you can do really is let it go. So long as you've made clear to your husband what your boundaries are, all you can do is make sure that those boundaries are not violated. If she wants to go ahead and act like a fool, that's her prerogative. But you don't have to be part of the drama.

Good luck, and hang in there.

March 22, 2006
9:35 pm
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Cooper
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My husband was doing the same thing. He worked with the other woman and they would talk at work and then she would have "professional business" to discuss with him when I wasn't here. I looked at the cell phone bill and found he was calling her 5min after walking out the door to go to my second job so he can work on his "NEW" career. He went out with a bunch of Guys one night and found out it was "TOW" and another couple. He came home at 2:30am. I had been calling every 30min telling him to come home. I ended up locking him out, but he caused such a noise I had to let him in. He was drunk and that is when he told me he had been seeing her for 6 months. When I told him to stop, he didn't. Now she has moved and he thinks I am just suppose to forget about it. He compares me to her on occasion saying he wishes I looked like her. She is 15 year younger....ha!
I have been going to couples and individual counseling for emotional abuse and working on leaving...
I love him and after 24 years it is hard to let go. But I can't continue to live like this. This was his second affair.
I don't mean to seem negative, but it is hard for platonic relationships to not evolve in to more, especially when one has needs...and the other wants to help...tell her to go to a counselor and leave your hubby alone.

March 22, 2006
10:06 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Lost lady,

I don't know from reading this whether or not he did or did not cheat...however, no matter what the situation is...in my opinion, it is totally inappropriate for a married man to be carrying on with another woman the way he is.

My suggestion would be to have a conversation with him and let him clearly know that you find it inappropriate, it makes you uncomfortable and it needs to stop. If he respects you and your marriage, he will respect your feelings and will stop. If he doesn't ....then you may need to re-evaluate the whole relationship.

I think it's awful that he is making you feel this way.

Good luck,
Lolli

March 22, 2006
10:44 pm
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bonita1
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lost lady,

My therapist always said to go with your gut.... the other woman is a weirdo and your hubby sounds like he is either:

A. very naive

B. trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

OR

C. He is trying to have 2 women at the same time

I was disturbed to read that this woman had the nerve to get into bed with you and your husband. What the hell? A threesome? Maybe that is what they are working up to with all her baloney about being your friend.

You need to tell her where to get off and it "ain't gonna be" with your husband.... if you still want him.

In my humble opinion,

~~bonita

March 23, 2006
10:27 am
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taj64
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smells like cheating to me. Even if she comes clean it could be that she will cover for him. Because she doesn't want him to be mad at her. I've seen it go on from persona experience. Just be careful. Once you start losing that trust and live in suspicion, the relationship just suffers. I definately would not trust the girl but I definately would not trust him.

March 23, 2006
1:37 pm
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caraway
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Not trusting someone can really drive you crazy. I have often thought that if I didn't trust then I should not be with that person, but lately I have decided that the problem really is with me. I think that it must be my projection of what I might do if given the opportunity, or something from the past.

I start digging and snooping around for clues and grow suspicious of every glance, phone call, unexplained absence. I suppose that one just has to make the decision to trust and be willing to get hurt? I mean if someone is willing to make up a story as elaborate as that... it seems like more effort than just coming clean.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Cary

March 23, 2006
2:22 pm
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nappy
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Hello LostLady,
By reading the other people respond to your thread, your husband is cheating. Women of now of days do not care if the man has a wife or girlfriend or even childrens, just as long is she is getting what she want.
It does not necessary mean that she want your husband, just the thrill of it. When a woman is being friend with the husband and then wants to be friend with the wife, then she is just trying to bring you in closer so that you want have no ideal what she is doing.
Your husband is not going to tell you what is going on. He wouldn't have told you I don't know if you didn't see difference things that was going on. You can't make your husband or this woman tell you what is going on with them both. That's why it is called"CHEATING".
One of my best friend that I was working with, started talking to one of the other employee (male). He was married. That was everyday, five days a week. She had a little girl, and he also had two little girl. Well I don't know who thought this one up but he had a pool and he invited my friend over with her little girl to go swimming. Well when she told me that she was over to his house, I told her that, that didn't look good. She made friend with his wife and his wife is a very pleasant woman and could be anybody friend, but my friend was just trying to get to her husband. Well one day they both wasn't at work and come to find out the next day. The husband wife came home early from work and found them in bed together. She got fired or quit because she was also married and didn't want her husband to find out. Well guess what? Her husband find out and left her. Not saying that, she deserve that but she got what she wanted. You can't her other and not expect for something good to happen to you.
If you are going to stay, then you want find any answer from your husband.
Any by him not being a phone person, he sure is finding time to talk to her.

March 24, 2006
4:53 am
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lost lady
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i dont think that my husband did anything physical with her but it was definately innappropriate for him to be calling her so often etc. this did open my eyes up though. i told my husband that it really sucks that i cant trust him like i did. when i first found out about the cell phone calls i didnt confront him right away, i just told him i didnt like them being friends and it was weird. after a few days i told him i knew that he called her a lot and told him to end it. well i got the bill this month and he did stop calling her when i asked him to. he said that it was too bad he couldnt be her friend but it was not worth coming in between us. i told him that i am not over it and that he has to be patient, and he has been. i still keep my eyes open and like my friend said women are cats and cover their tracks, men are dogs and leave their crap everywhere. (just a joke guys) well i hope that i am not being stupid, all my friends dont think he would ever cheat.

March 24, 2006
9:19 am
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beentheredonethat
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Hate to break it to you, but they are definately involved. The story sounds almost exactly what I went through with my husband last year. Of course they deny, and lie straight to your face. And they are'just friends' ha! I believed it naively until i contracted an STD. Save yourself the the wondering. I am telling you straight up, he is CHEATING,no doubt.

March 25, 2006
3:02 am
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lost lady
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im not sure i agree that he hopped into bed with her. we are newly weds, we have a great sex life, he finds me attractive so im not sure he'd have a good reason to go elsewhere. i still have that doubt in the back of my mind, but i also have to try to trust him again. well see, i hope.

March 25, 2006
3:41 am
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Anonymous
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lost lady,

I think you were asking about what some of us men would think about your situation. Well, I'd like to offer my two cents worth.

I can't tell if he is or isn't cheating, but if the situation kept continuing unchecked with him and his friend, I'd think cheating would be inevitable. There's no reason he has to call her so much. Except for family members, guys only do that when there's something else besides friendship on their minds.

On the bright side, it's a good sign that he stopped calling her on his cell phone when you pressed him to. This gives me hope that they haven't actually cheated yet.

However, I know that just because a man might be having a great sex life with a woman, he still might cheat.

No man is ever above the temptation to cheat. IMO, your husband is foolish to put himself in a situation where it might happen, and you are right to be suspicious. If he doesn't act trustworthy, don't trust him.

Seeker

March 25, 2006
10:14 pm
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lost lady
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i still go back and forth, its just weird when someone you completely trust makes you wonder. i never had to be a snoop or anything so it sucks. it definately changed things but hopefully for the better. he has never cheated on his exes. He was also cheated on by his first love and he broke it off b/c he says that cheating is intollerable.

March 27, 2006
10:26 pm
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lost lady
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im afraid again, i think a lot of these threads made me doubt him again. the worst part is not knowing. i hate this, its killing me.

March 28, 2006
10:33 pm
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Cooper
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You have to go with your gut feeling on this one. Not all men are bad, but when I asked my hubby to quit he didn't. We had a great sex life up until I found out about his affair. We are going to counseling, but I am still very angry. I still don't trust him, always checking his phone, the phone bill and his email. I am making plans to leave as I just don't think I can get over this one!
I found out he was not calling her on his cell phone, but from work and going by to see her when he was suppose to be on a job site or meeting a client, he was meeting a client, but it was her.

March 29, 2006
2:15 am
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lost lady
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my husband keeps calling me when hes at work and tells me were he is and what he's about to do, when im at work and he's off, he stays home b/c he said he wants me to feel better. i never asked him to do any of this, and he said hes afraid our marriage is falling apart. are these good signs or is he just guilty or trying to cover it up? she is a head case though, so maybe he just felt bad? i dont know, im still healing and hoping he didnt cheat on me.
cooper, how did you know your husband cheated? and how long have you been married?
thanks everyone for your support, i dont know where i would be without this site.

March 29, 2006
2:16 am
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lost lady
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cooper, i mean how did your husband act before he told you?

March 29, 2006
5:11 am
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dl8
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Lost Lady,

You know all you need to know, in one sense. It's also not the end of the world. And I tell you this as someone in your husband's position rather than yours. I'm sorry to tell you this, but if he's not cheating yet he soon will be. It really doesn't matter anyway, really. He has bonded emotionally and possibly physically with a woman outside your relationship.

He's suddenly finding out that he is very much more unhappy with life than he thought he was - probably has little or nothing to do with you. This relationship feels like it's solving a problem he didn't even know was there (because it's not, in a way). He is in sort of an unreal world. It's like a bubble. That's why he's acting like an idiot.

Unless you're really different from almost everybody, you don't really want to hear the truth. The details will just piss you off or seem completely stupid. The issue is that his private life (and everybody has one) has gotten out of control and it's hurting your relationship. Unless he's unlike almost everyone else, the odds that he is making any kind of REAL decisions about his life are next to nothing. He may think he is, but he's not.

You ever see a plant in way too small a pot? That's what his life is right now. It's not you that's holding him back, he's just got a lot of growing to do and he has got himself good and stuck in life. There is only one cure. He has to do something with himself - school, new job, creative outlet. The relationship WILL NOT DO A THING.

Tell him to get on it and get on it now. Tell him to change his life for the better like an adult and stop acting like a 15-year-old jerk. Tell him he can do it. You want to help him and he damn well better start now. He's a cheater. Don't try and prove your case, 'cause you've already won. Tell him to get well and get serious about life or he's headed for an embarrassing disaster. Forget the boy/girl stuff except to remind him that he is hurting you terribly. Tell him to get his life together.

March 29, 2006
5:22 am
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dl8
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Cooper,

I'm here confessing as a cheater so I will tell you something. The moment your husband openly compared you to another woman, he showed that he is probably too far gone to help. He's a fifteen-year-old kid and not a nice one. He is narcissistic. You don't exist as an object to please him - you're a woman he's meant to love.

As stupid as I got I would never, ever, ever, have compared my partner to the other woman. That's just totally out of bounds and totally disrespectful of both women.

Narcissistic people can be charming. Bad boys can be cute, but he's just too dedicated to screwing up. Unless he really shows you that he is growing up REALLY SIGNIFICANTLY, he may have already forced you into that painful position of making a decision and he is totally wrong for having done that.

He may still be a nice guy. But he's just not grown up enough for a grown woman.

March 29, 2006
10:30 am
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taj64
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Hello. I was the other woman. Yes you can hate me if you want to but I was in pain too being the other woman. Maybe I don't deserve sympathy or even empathy but I do know I didn't deserve the way I was treated by my ex. He too compare me, quite a bit and it was humilating for me. In the end I broke it off and I am still trying to heal myself. It is taking very long. I will never forget. And yes he was nice guy and yes I still love him, why I don't know because he hurt me so bad. And he is doing the right thing to stay with his wife but will it ever work? I have doubts. I was #4 on his list. Seems bad to say, but I had already fallen for him before he told me this. He had fallen for me. I had fallen for him. I guess he didn't count on that part. I have to move on and not get caught up in situation like this ever again. This went on for 3 years and she knew about me. I would never be able to trust a man like this. All I can say it was very much a rollercoaster ride, up real high and down real low. He was push/pull person. He really did string me along. And he finally did make the decision to stay at home because he was forced to. He would have never done it on his own. And I will always remember how he compared me to her both good and negative. A man should never do this to a woman. His therapist said he treated both of us as objects. It was strange to hear it but there was truth to it. He is afraid things are falling apart because that may mean he has to make a decision and he doesn't want to make one. He likes things the way they are. He doesn't have to work hard or make hard decision. Once you have caught on and suspect, he is worried he is going to lose everything. He is in panic mode. He does not want this. But he is happy? Are you happy? These are questions both of you have to answer for yourself.

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