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detoxed
February 2, 2004
2:05 am
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addicted2LV
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Here are lyrics from the NEWSBOYS, one of my all-time fave Band. Hope these words inspire and lift you up...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Say You Need Love

you've been looking for shelter
on a cloudless day, there's no rain
you're keeping pennies in your pocket
for a bottle full of spare change, just in case
and if the glass ain't half empty then it's broken
it helps you escape from the pain
you throw the baby with the bath water over and over again
turn the page

you say you need love
tell me where does that get you
when push comes to shove
who you gonna run to
turn your eyes above
he unconditionally loves you
nothing you can say or do
will change his love for you

heard it said you're an accident, biological mistake
so you're a love child, who could say it better
a physical grace, a perfect display

has someone you trusted left you betrayed
has someone who loved you thrown love away
do you see God? does he have a face?
looks like your father's, how does it relate?
you're scared of being let down
tell me

don't be afraid
don't shy away
he'll never leave you
he won't forsake
don't be afraid
don't shy away
he's not gonna leave you

February 2, 2004
6:03 pm
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lostman
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Thanks zinnie for the kind words, I know you are right. I still think about her every day, no matter where I am or what I am doing. But at least now I do get on with my life and do the things I need to do. A few weeks ago I couldn't do that. It still really hurts alot, but I know it will get better. Every thing I do reminds me of her, I hope that gets better. You and all the people on this site have been a great help.

February 2, 2004
6:50 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Lostman,

Moving on is what you need to do. It just takes time. Like I have told all of you here, I wish I could wave my magic want over all of you and say "be gone" and your feelings would leave, but I can't.

But, if you are now able to go to work, and get through the day... hey you are making progress - and that is a good thing.

Like I said, you will meet a nice girl one day. Trust me... if my youngest was older I would be looking to introduce you as you seem to be a good person.

Z.

February 4, 2004
4:23 am
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vegas
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I think the main thing is to just "keep on moving." THe memories, the thoughts, the sadness...they all come. Sometimes unexpected, other times cuz I willingly evoke them. But, I don't let any of them stop me from doing what needs to be done.

February 4, 2004
12:09 pm
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gingerleigh
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Dating... if we knew how to do this without, um, DATING, I think it could be a fun and uplifting experience. But when we're coming off a relationship, it's so easy to be looking for someone to fill that gaping hole left from the relationship. It's like this huge sucking thing, a black hole, that will attempt to suck anything within orbit into it.

What about taking a straight same sex (or gay opposite sex) friend out to these same places and just whooping it up? That way, if you find yourself comparing your friend "Jane" to your ex "James", you would also have to add that "Jane" has bigger breasts than "James" did too. *giggle* Well, that's a little over the top, but you know what I'm getting at I think.

February 4, 2004
1:49 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Vegas and all!!! Vegas, I'm happy that you had a good trip!!!

What everyone posted just made so much sense to me. I'll tell you all this right now,,,if I ever get out from under this situation I'm in right now,,,I will certainly not be looking around for anybody else!!! I'll be too busy having some fun for a change.... I have finally learned that I do NOT need someone else for me to be happy. In fact, if SOMEONE ELSE would get his act together and decide if I'm really the love of his life and treat me as such,,,I could relax a little. But alas,,the pattern repeats over and over,,,love me,,,then put me down,,,love me,,,then put me down....

Get this,,he calls me every day at lunch (everyone I've ever been involved with called me every day, not necessary),,anyway,,I was having a problem with my e-mail and was talking to myself a little while he was on the phone, and he asks if I'm talking to myself or my boyfriend. See,,, I used to think he was joking when he made remarks like that. He is not joking!!! I asked him,,"you're joking, right?" No,,he wasn't.. Give me a freaking break already,,I don't understand this type of behavior. That is the very last thing I would think if the situation were reversed. It just gets to the point where I wonder if it is even worth the bother...

The very last thing on God's green earth that I want is another MAN. If I ever mention another man, I would be happy for the site coordinator to track me down, give you all my home address, and then have you all come shoot me!!! Trust me,,,it will be for my own good!!!

February 4, 2004
3:54 pm
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vegas
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Hi everyone. Well, I"ll be off to Milwaukee tomorrow...my 2nd interview. Wish me luck.

take care!
vegas

February 4, 2004
7:22 pm
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lostman
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Good luck vegas I know you will do well, take care.

lostman

February 5, 2004
3:46 am
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vegas
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It seems I've gone on and on...with this and that about roe, and dwelling in the hurt and trying to stop the memories from vanishing. Just grabbing hold again. But today, I feel...happy. I am feeling really good today. I don't know...it's just this feeling of complete certainty inside of me that this will be a great year. I imagine this is what it feels like when they talk about rivers flowing through/in us in the Bible. I mean, I feel like I'm ready to burst with just...with just this feeling.

I don't even know what this feeling is. The only word I can come up with now to describe it is "certainty." But that's not even close to it cuz it's happiness also.

I wish I could just type it all out...or talk to someone and share this quite usually feeling with them. But I've got to pack still. sigh. (but a happy sigh...not a exasperated one).

This is God. Maybe it's the Holy Spirit. I must sound luny to the some of you...but, this is such a great high...and there isn't any particular reason why I feel this way. Nothing spectacular happened to me today or any day as of late. I was just talking to my best friend on the phone, and when we got off, there you go.

Any of you ever feel like this?

things are great!

love, vegas

February 5, 2004
10:20 pm
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lostman
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Hi Vegas I know what you are talking about I do the same thing. The only problem with me is I feel great today and the next I feel bad, and nothing change to make me feel that way. But I think the good days are going to be more often until the bad days are gone. I hope all your days are good, and I know they will be.

February 5, 2004
10:38 pm
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MadTypist
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Let's put all our ex's on a planet, and watch them play games on one another,,,,, just a thought...
Typist

February 8, 2004
11:55 am
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MadTypist
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why the heck can't I get this guy out of my mind? I sure do not want to go into the hell of depression, because of his " stuff". I need some TLC badly today,,
Thanks All, Typist

February 8, 2004
12:11 pm
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mj
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Hugs Typist....What are you doing to take care of yourself? Depression is not a good state, I agree. How can I offer assistance?

February 8, 2004
12:16 pm
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mj
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What do you like doing to relax and enjoy life? Sometimes if we do what feels good then we can momentarily change our focus and get more centered.

February 8, 2004
12:17 pm
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mj
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I like to read. So sometimes just opening a book helps me to not dwell on over thinking too much.

February 8, 2004
8:34 pm
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lostman
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Hi Typist I wish I could tell you how to get him out of your mind. I have the same problem with her, I think time is our best tool. I try to think of the bad things she done to me, sometimes it works and sometimes it don't. But I am here for you if I can help. You are not alone and i hope you feel better.

February 8, 2004
8:48 pm
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MadTypist
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Ty Lostman, and mj, the support here is great, I have to admit that.
The thing I think I hate most about a breakup, is the huge hole it leaves, and how do you fill it?
I work full time, I have a home to run, always lots to do, but he keeps creeping back into my mind.
I am trying not to let the situation suck out whats left of my esteem,
and not get into the depressed mode.
Typist

February 9, 2004
1:17 am
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zack
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Mad Typist no person is worth your the depths of depression -- easy to say i know. after a 2 year relationship i am going through a few knocks myself- everything happens for a reason. i want to cut the tie but have an issue that i spoke of earlier , that i could use some help with if you have a minute. stay strong and believe in yourself- take care zack

February 9, 2004
3:18 am
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vegas
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Hi everyone!

can't write too much as I am sick...and I need my rest. Got another flight to catch early Tuesday morning...this time to Philly. Can't sleep in tomorrow cuz got class. The interview was great for those of you who are curious. I really think that that is where I want to go...if they accept me. fingers crossed.

But anyway...ya know, I think of romeo everyday. Some of the times it's mainly just memories. Other times it's just thinking as if nothing happened, like if I come across something in that I think he would like. Luckily, I don't get those "thoughts" that so deeply bruise and wrestle my heart. Some days, though, thoughts do get the better of me and sadness settles in. But, I realize now that it's probably just loneliness. romeo and I did everything together. Not only that, he and I were very good friends...we shared a lot with one another. And I miss having that...just someone to turn to. Someone who knew how to make me happy or relaxed. Someone who knew everything already, accepted me, and understood. Someone to just live life with, live the same life with.

sigh. I believe that romeo will always have a place in my heart. Despite the things that have happened and the things he has done, there's nothing I can do to extract the parts of me that he has stained. It's permanent. But, I've decided to continue growing and living and carrying on. That feeling I spoke ov earlier...I came to a better word to describe it: ANTICIPATION.

I know that the Lord God has a great many blessings for me...just as well as all of us. And just having that certainty in this expectation is great. I have nothing to worry about. As for the loneliness and depression...well, I don't hold on as long cuz I know God has something in store for me...for you! We all should remember that in times when we are sad about the things in the past.

Those feelings of hurt start to vanish. Trust me on that one...cuz I thought my heart would go into cardiac arrest from all the pain and anguish.

=) Take care everyone! Have a wonderful week!
love, vegas

February 9, 2004
3:20 am
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vegas
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zin!

Just tried looking for your thread...how are things? Hope you're well. How about Lisa?

friends, vegas

February 9, 2004
8:47 pm
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MadTypist
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Hey zack, I did't get the chance to read your post, if you want to talk about it, feel free.
ty Typist

February 9, 2004
11:03 pm
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zack
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thanks mad typist you can find it under- title "trying to move on"- let me know what you think- hope all is well with you hang in there see ya zack

February 10, 2004
2:33 am
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Zinnie
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HI Vegas,

Glad to hear your interview wne so well. I can see now all of these schools will be fighting over who gets the honor of having you!

I spent the weekend in Los Angeles with Lisa and my son and daughter-in-law.

She is doing well, we went to the Grammy Awards - and as excited as I was to be there... the bigger news is that Lisa managed without a cane at the Awards. She leaned on my brother and myself, but she walked!

Thank you so much for asking, and keep me posted on how the interviews are going.

Love,

Zinnie

February 12, 2004
10:46 am
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MadTypist
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Am up having coffee, and thinking,
it's best I stay away from emotionally dangerous people ( eg, the ex)The triggers are always there,, and like an addict trying to abstain, I have to abstain from him also. I've spent the last several years building myself up from a destructive marriage, I cannot let a destructive phase happen again. I don't have the energy , reserves to deal with constant aggravation, obvious emotional abuse, etc etc etc
The last few nights Ive been reading " Women who love too much"
which should be a bible of sorts to us folks who suffer from relationship addiction ( codependancy etc). It's my day off, I plan on enjoying myself in it, and treating myself how I should be treated,
Big hugs all, have a great day.
Typist

February 13, 2004
1:48 am
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vegas
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Hello everyone!

Got back yesterday from Philly. The interview there went well. Should be expecting to hear from all the schools in the next 7days or so.

I actually like the school in Philly the most. They implement what is called "problem based learning"...I think I would learn the most from that way of teaching. So, if they accept me, I'll more than likely go there. The only reservation I have about that school is that it's located in a really slummy suburb of Philly...liter everywhere. It was horrible.

Came home last night at exactly midnight. My head is pounding terribly...I think cuz of the pressure in the airplane. It's been this way since I arrived home from Milwaukee on Satday. Not only that, I've totally lost my voice.

Other than that, I'm great. On my trip I managed to read "What's a Girl to Do While Waiting for Mr. Right" by Janet Folger. It's a really good book. For those of you interested...if you buy it at a Family Christian Store, you'll also get "When GOd Write Your Love Story" by Eric & Leslie Ludy for FREE! Is it obvious I'm psyching myself up for Valentines?

Well, gonna get started reading my other book. My headache seems to get sharper looking at this computer monitor.

take care, vegas

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