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detoxed
January 8, 2004
5:15 am
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vegas
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"detoxed"...would that explain this?...I don't think of him anymore. Only if I consciously make myself. And I am very glad that I don't think of him...but it's weird. Not that I feel empty. But as if something is missing...there's like a big blank within me. I can't say that it was romeo that filled that space...but it's weird.

January 8, 2004
9:11 am
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Sukh
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hi my BF just broke up last weekend, we moved out of the place where we lived together got 8 months. i just spilled my sob story on the thread----i know it, but i don't have the strength. i can identify with the empty feeling you are experiencing, but in my case he doesn't want me to call him. i probably need to detox to get rid of my urge to do so. well, at least you are already past that.

January 8, 2004
1:58 pm
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gingerleigh
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Just keep it up... you will have high days and low days. If at some point you feel like the "detox" effect has worn off, just ride it out. Just preparing you in case you experience a low. We all do from time to time.

January 8, 2004
4:30 pm
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vegas
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Sukh...friend, it took a lot of tears, a lot of prayers, a lot of confusion, hurt, angush...it was a hell of a three months for me.

You'll get to where I am eventually. All in time. Stay strong.

always, vegas

January 8, 2004
4:48 pm
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Sukh
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Vegas,
I admire your strength and everyone else's out there who has loved and lost, it is such a helpless situation to be in. all those words, all those promises seem so empty and leave you so confused, make one seem so worthless.
I am already seeking professional help and also the help of the good friends i have found here on this website.
Thank you

January 9, 2004
4:23 am
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vegas
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Dear Sukh,

Yes, I know what you mean by "worthless." That was exactly what I felt. My ex and I were together for 3 yrs. Lived together. Suffered great financial hardships. Had our ups and downs. Planned on getting married. Fought life together. I say that my soul is permanently stained with romeo.

ANyway, moved out cuz of the $ probs...and two months later he got married to a woman he just met...a quite rich woman at that.

Everything we had. Everything I felt. Everything that I went thru and did for us...all amounted to nothing. All my love, my hopes. All my suffering, my sacrifices. All my memories of us and all my dreams for us....nothing. I put in so much of me and was left with so much pain.

sigh. Sukh, I can't tell you how I got the peace I have now...cuz I really don't know how I received it. God gave it to me. THat's the only way I can explain. Cuz I held on tenaciously to the pain and to my ex. I couldn't let it go. I stubbornly had to keep it...cuz if not, then everything I did in the 3yrs was void. It was GOd's grace that helped me set it free...and a lot of help from the friends I've made here too.

Just take it one day at time. Understand that your heart is broken and allow yourself to heal...you will know when the hurt gone and you're done with crying. And don't worry...there is someone out there for you who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

your friend, vegas

January 9, 2004
8:32 am
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MadTypist
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Glad to see you are doing well vegas, It's nice to know it can be done, now it's time to give to ourselves...... 🙂

January 9, 2004
9:51 am
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Sukh
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Vegas, I knew him for 2 years, my life revolved around him, I had totally isolated myself from others, also I have no family in US and friends are few too, as they had given up on me after trying to tell me what was good for me.
The void you are talking about, that is what I was afraid of whenever he was in his depressive moods. I was afraid of how lonely I was going to be without him. I would apologize to him for his mistakes, forgive him when he hit me. Now, I am an "officially" depressed person.
We, you and I and others in our situation, can only live and hope that the pain will go away.......

January 10, 2004
2:00 am
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vegas
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Sukh, the pain will go away. I promise. But it does take some time. And it also depends on the person too...how much is that person willing to let go of the hurt...cuz I just hung on and on until I finally just released it. I literally had to say to myself, or even type it while posting here, "letting it go" or "it's alright."

I know how you're feeling. My life and world and everything was romeo or with romeo. Afterwards, I wanted to go on with my life, but it was so hard cuz my life was him. I didn't know who the hell I was, what in the world I liked. I even forgotten the way I looked like, the old things I used to enjoy.

sigh. A friend told me, "You're in a low part of your life right now...and you're just afraid to face what might be on the other side of this hill." So, now I tell you, Sukh.

You will also find out who your real friend are during this time. I'm a loner at heart...but I discovered those whom I thought were closest to me ended up caring the least...getting annoyed whenever I went to them for support. And I found that people whom I thought just acquaintances were the ones who took care of me.

Family...well, I also know how that goes. I ran away to be with romeo...and my father hated me for that. But, I think cuz of my relationship with romeo and the break up...I'm closer to my dad now. the father-daughter relationship is still far from perfect...but at least there is one now.

Hang in there. Like I said, one day at a time.

Another thing that helped me a lot...acknowledging that God never mistakes. Everything is how it is supposed to be. And God is faithful to His children. (you can tell that my faith played a big factor for me.)

your friend, vegas

January 10, 2004
2:23 am
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Sukh
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Hi Vegas,
Pain is definately going to away, i am surviving, i don't know whether it is the zoloft i just started taking or something in my mind, I am not crying so much even though it has only been a week since we broke up. Well, guess what? i did not call, he did. I have written about the conversation on the thread---i know it , but i don't have the strength. JUICY.....

January 10, 2004
2:30 am
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Sukh
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I have a similar relationship with my dad, but closer now than I thought I would be after all i went through and put them through few years ago. In India, parents are extrememly sheltering, especially when it comes to daughters. So when I was 25, thinking of what to do next in life, the first thing that sprang to mind was--i want to get away, because i was still accountable for every action of mine. that was a little suffocating for me. I had to get away. So i applied to US for Ph.D., got accepted and in a way, ran away from there. But in some way, it has changed the relationship between my parents and myself, they see me differently( a grown up)i see them in a different life( caring, worrying about me, always there for me). My father once said to me---there is no one in this world who is going to there for you always, except your parents and yourself. you have to help yourself.

January 10, 2004
5:34 am
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addicted2LV
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vegas... I am so very happy for you ~ you have come a long way. I know that there is still a ways to go but you are heading the right direction. It is nice to see you smiling again and your eyes not bloodshot from endless nights of tears.

I am especially very proud of you for giving GOD all the glory!
You are indeed his special child, full of hope and so full of love, special rain angel...

"They seemed to come suddenly upon happiness as if they had surprised a butterfly in the winter woods." - Edith Wharton

"Remember that happiness is a way of travel — not a destination." - Roy M. Goodman

January 11, 2004
10:21 pm
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Sukh
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hey Vegas,
where are you, girl? how are you doing?
Love
Sukh

January 11, 2004
10:42 pm
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MadTypist
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was online last nite, the "you know who talked to me", and all he did was give me crap, crap about my smoking, I think he had it in for me, no matter what was the conversation was. What is really important here is for us not to give our power away, to those who contantly mistreat us. I told him I had the choice of not taking his " stuff" then was cut off short, he said maybe we should part ways. what is it with these people??

January 11, 2004
11:00 pm
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Sukh
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I don't know either. He called me two nights ago saying------he was missing me. haha. i couldn't help talking to him now, and he is back to playing his games. no concern for other's feelings. i don't even know why i bothered to call, we really are suckers when it comes to believing that people are affected by other person's emotions, and that love can make a difference.

January 12, 2004
3:51 am
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vegas
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hey everyone.

Here's my conversation...Yeah, romeo called me on thursday...he said he wanted to talk. And so, I permitted the conversation...I wanted to know what was going on with some other stuff that I'll post later on my other thread...but anyway, early off in the conversation, he told me, "I don't want to talk about wifey or anything to do with her." Though I said that was okey doke with me...Well, this is just me...but I have to have the last word. So I told him how I was happy he had a rich wife to give him everything...and I told him I wanted him to tell me exactly what makes her so much more important than me. I asked: "I don't want to believe that it's just the money...I want to believe that the reasons you stay married to her are the same exact reasons you stayed with me...cuz I know you loved me...so you must love her."

him: "No, it's not that way."

me: "What is it then? It can't be the $ cuz we were dirt poor. Is she smarter than me? Is she prettier than me? I already know she's richer than me...is she just nicer than me? Better than me? Maybe it's the sex then? She's a better fu#! than me.

him: No, it ain't even that. You're the best.

me: Then just tell me you care about her...that's why you don't leave her...and that's why you didn't leave me. You didn't want to hurt me like how you don't want to hurt her. But you would just go ahead and use her like you used me!

Needless to say, I was crying. I want to say he was hurting too...but I don't assume anything with him when it comes to those types of things.

Then romeo goes on to tell me how much he misses me...how he wanted to spend the night at my parents' house and all day the following day.

Of course, I told him no...and then I said,"Even if anything, what? What comes around goes around. What, do you really think that I want to make the karma that my husband will cheat on me with his ex? I can't have that...I can't make that life for me...I don't want that kind of father for my children..."

Get what his response was...I was totally blindsided by it as I did not expect it all..."I'll be your husband." Can you believe he actually said that? I don't remember what I said immediately afterward. I just remember that statement...and feeling...I don't know. I admit that it was a fleeting feeling of victory. He was choosing me over wifey. But...yeah right. Who am I kidding?

He also said something else about wanting to kiss me with his eyes open. I responded something like, "You don't open your eyes when you kiss."

him: I want to open them and look at me...cuz I miss you so much.

me: Ya know, you're good. That's some good bs.

sigh...it's amzing how sleezy these guys can be. They will try to find anything to keep us hooked. No, I didn't fall for any of it...now I'm just dealing with something else kinda sorta involving him.

I knew I shouldn't have had the conversation...but I couldn't help it. SOmething about just hearing him and his voice gives me both comfort and the reassurance that I did the right thing. shrug...weird, huh?

Well, stay strong everyone! God bless. God is always watching.

love, vegas

January 12, 2004
4:49 pm
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vegas
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oops...he wanted to have HIS eyes open to look at ME

January 12, 2004
4:58 pm
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gingerleigh
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Vegas, sorry sweetie, not going to co-sign you talking to him any more. Yes, I know you have other concerns and other matters, where family members of your are still involved with him and his family. For your own sake and theirs, stay out of it. They are their own people, they can handle their own stuff, they can make their own arrangements. As advised, just let this stuff go. You might not think it, but you're using this other external stuff to hold on to him. If you weren't, you wouldn't be trying to "have the last word", questioning him to they what's and why's every time you talk to him. And every time you do that, he smells victory, knowing that you aren't really past it. Because you still want to know, that means you still care, and he can still play mind games with you.

You are writing this out, you "see" what is happening here. That's very good. Now, you can become a sort of psychic! You can predict the future! Every time he calls you, the lies, bullshit, deceit and garbage is going to be coming out. Yes, each and every time. So now that you know the outcome of the conversation, since you've been given this glimpse of the future, the next time the opportunity for conversation arises, what are you going to do? Tap your psychic powers, or dance the dance again?

Hugs out to you, I know it's hard and a royal pain in the ass...

January 12, 2004
6:38 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Vegas,,, I'm sorry he's back with all of his bull. But I suppose he'll be there with it as much as he possibly can. I know how hard it is for you emotionally. Guess detox will take awhile as we knew it would. But Gingerleigh is right about the situation. These "users" or call them what you want, always sniff out a victory no matter how small when they can get you to fall back into their crap. She's also right about all of these family members, etc. being able to take care of themselves. I tell you, the people on this site sure can get right to the heart of the matter.

Well, just some words of encouragement for you: You're stronger than you know, and you can get past this. Vegas, you know you deserve so much better. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said about the situation, so just know that we will continue to encourage you to stay away from him, and please don't allow him in anymore. It's just too painful. A hug for you Vegas,,,W

January 13, 2004
1:10 am
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Zinnie
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Vegas,

You KNOW everytime this man opens his mouth lies spew forth. Why do you keep taking his calls?

Love,

Zinnie

January 14, 2004
6:19 am
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vegas
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Hi, everyone.

No, he didn't call me. And...No, I didn't call him. Tuesday just had some residual feelings, I suppose. Some thoughts coming back in.

Sigh. It all started while driving to work. It was a beautiful day...how I wish I could've waken up earlier to enjoy more of it. But anyway, the radio wasn't playing anything good. So, I decided to play one of my CD's...a CD that I played over and over again when I was hurting. At first I thought not to...but for some reason I figured it had been a while since I felt any heartache, and I've always liked the song long before romeo and I broke up.

So, I insert the CD into my stereo...ugh. I shouldn't have done it. The lyrics...as if they transformed my car into a time machine, and I was back one month ago, feeling those emotions of hurt and asking those questions of "why" and fighting those thoughts of heartbreak.

Got to the hospital a little late. was able to jump into work without anything bothering me. It was just later on when all the work was finished. I began to realize that it has been five months since I moved out and he and I had been living separate lives. I began to think of all the things I have done in those five months...and all the things he had done with her. And, ya know, I surprised myself cuz it didn't hurt...it didn't rip me up inside and give me that f^c!-I'm-going-to-vomit-this-hurts-so-bad feeling. I thought to myself how he and I were actually blessed that this is how our lives are now. THat didn't stop that dull ache, though. The one way deep down in the center of my body. That faint ache that represents the tiniest of love left. I thought of it like that one last mist of smoke after a match goes out...barely noticeable, but right there.

I didn't get sad, thank goodness. But I became angry...mad cuz of those stoopid thoughts that I didn't just "let go" before I began to really think about them. Thoughts like how romeo and wifey have a bed. A damn bed! For the whole while we were together...we slept on the floor. We slept on an OLD, ripped up comforter one of my mom's friends snuck to me while at work (my mom and I used to work in the same place...I didn't want my mom to know how hardup financially romeo and I were...that's why the secrecy)...the whole 3 yrs. Even when ambi stayed with us, we all slept on the floor. And that was all I ever wanted the most to get us...a freaking bed. And now he has some stoopid custom made bed he sleeps in with her...

And not even just that...I got pissed that he wanted to get ambi to live with him here...and with wifey. Oh, that was the thought that got me the most mad. Him, his daughter...and then wifey...a family together. Oh!..damn this.

okay...taking off my glasses and wiping the tears...stopping these freakin thoughts. These stoopid thought, huh? You all must think they're foolish. Yeah, you're probably right. Why him rent space in my mind? I don't know.

sigh...but like I said...this truly is a blessing...for us both. His life is better off now that wifey can fund this and that. (ugh! DOn't even want to think of what she can afford for him and for them.) My life is better off cuz he's not part of it. (period)

This a normal stage in detox? Is this withdrawl? I don't think so...cuz withdrawl was one month, two months ago. What is this that I'm feeling? Residual, right?

thanks for letting me unload,
vegas

January 14, 2004
9:28 am
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Am having a really bad morning, can't help feel like I'm being punished somehow. Am off to work, to try to be productive today. wish me luck. Typist..

January 14, 2004
9:31 am
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Sukh
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Hang in there, Vegas.

Love

Sukh

January 14, 2004
9:36 am
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Zinnie
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Vegas,

No Judge in their right mind would let this man's child live with him, unless her Mother suddenly became and axe murderess.

Z.

January 21, 2004
5:01 pm
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vegas
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hey! got another interview!

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