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desperately seeking Pat A
March 16, 2007
11:31 am
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TANKER
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I am hoping Pat A will read this .She was my counselor for almost 2 years .I had been in a accident and killed a friend of mine .
My lawyer told me to get a counselor so for some reason God sent me to Pat .With only 1 week notice she took a year off to get married .She is the only one that really helped me .When she left i found out I depended on her so much my life almost stopped .Now after returning she refuses to see me or even talk to me .Like a fool I made extra effort to contact her .Now the police have told me if I try any more to contact her I will go to jail .
This Lady took part of my heart with her and now I am in and out of hospital trying to kill myself because I need her help.
Pat will know me from my love of tanks .All I want is for her to say hello ,and have a coffee with me .She has a part of my heart and it hurts so much .I feel bad enough about killing a friend I do not need this too .
My wife knows and understands what is going on and wishes Pat would end this but now the police have a hand in it I guess the only thing I can do is end it .
I get in deep pits of depression when I think all she needs to do is call me and she refuses.
I do not want any kind of affair or even a friend ship just to talk once in a while .

Who knows this posting may be all they need to put me in jail .
If anyone knows who is in charge of counselor in Canada (Ontario) please let me know .

March 16, 2007
11:44 am
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mj
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Hi Tanker,

Sometimes people need to take care of themselves and disappear from our lives without answers to our questions why.

I have went to many counselors since I was the age 17 and have found lots of them to be helpful. Since your counselor has chosen to discontinue your therapy, do you still want to risk going to jail? Is this helping your? Will this help your wife and your relationship? The people in your life that have priority is You. Do you know what stalking is? Do you think you might be scarring Pat? I am sure that is not your intention but I am a stranger and what I just read makes me want to guide you to seeing a New Therapist. Could you try that and just see if a new therapist can help you?

Therapists are people with lifes too.
Maybe Pat wants to work on her new marriage and is nervous because you seem so attached to her.

I am sorry you are feeling depressed. This would be a perfect reason to start counseling again.

March 16, 2007
11:55 am
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revelation
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Tanker, its quite unlikely that your counesellor will read that.

I think it was very heartless and unprofessional of her to drop you like that. But on the other side of the coin, we all have bounderies even the psychotherapists! Now, it wasn't nice of her to drop you, but that was her decision and you must respect that. Tanker, counsellors don't solve our problems, they just help us to solve our own problems. If you made progess when you were with Pat, then you need to start recognising that that wasn't all her doing, in fact it was mostly your doing. Your dependency on her is an emotional dependency, you need to break it and you need to start depending on yourself and your own strengths now instead. C'mon Tanker, you can do this.

Rev.

March 16, 2007
11:57 am
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Hi mj

I know maybe Pat is afraid that I want more than words.I have my life she has hers but she helped me so much .She kept me alive for 2 years and just thinking of seeing her again is keeping me alive.I go to others who tell me Pat over stepped limits and they refuse to help me deal with my feelings for Pat.I would never do anything to hurt her.
But I need to follow up on this to see if someone can help me .Her boss is the main problem she tossed me out just for asking how Pat was .
I can't handle the pain much longer .
I pray to God but no help comes .

March 16, 2007
12:02 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Tanker,

I understand your situation and I can hear the fear in your posts.

I would suggest talking to the hospital doctors and asking for a referral to a new therapist.

Pat may be refusing to see you because you became too attached to her. Doctors and patients do share personal stuff, BUT, it must remain strictly professional. Having coffee and chatting is not typical of these types of relationships.

I understand that you came to depend on her and feel like your safety net has been ripped away from you. But as adults, we need to learn to stand on our own two feet and live life the best we can...without relying TOO MUCH on other people. We all need a support network from time to time - and can get that from family and friends. But depending on ANYBODY too much is unhealthy.

I would also like to say that if your attempts to kill yourself is your way of trying to get Pat to notice you, and come back, you are hurting yourself and it's not worth that pain.

I'm sorry if I offended you or hurt you with any of this...it's often hard to speak to someone that wants to die so badly....but life is so full of joy, that I have a hard time understanding what would be so bad about a situation that you would want to end your own life - and leave your own family and friends hurting over your loss.

I also agree with someone else that maybe Pat is scared...and that's why the police got involved. If a person draws a boundary, and says they don't want to see you - even if it hurts and you don't like it or agree with it, you MUST respect it. If you don't, the law can be involved.

A new therapist can help you get thru this...I hope you seek help with someone new, so they can help you learn to let go of the thing with Pat.

Also, this site is not moderated by professionals...so I guess my question is, why would you think Pat reads this board? We strive to keep ourselves anonymous here, so we can be open and honest and SAFE...try not to breach that, or the site coordinator here may ask you to leave if you share too much personal info that can give your identity away.

March 16, 2007
12:06 pm
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mj
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Hi Tanker,

I can see that you are grateful for her assistance in dealing with your past issues. I was really grateful to one particular counselor that helped me so much. She changed her practice and had to bill far more than I could afford to pay at the time. I suffered a loss from her helping me but I found someone else. We can become too attached to professionals because we look at them as lifesavers. Do you think that is maybe what you are doing?

Are your thoughts causing you pain? Can your practice changing the thoughts? Focus on your gratitude for the time you had with Pat. Then put your energy into finding someone to help you with your own issues? Change is possible. Are you willing to try?

March 16, 2007
12:07 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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One more thing.

I don't know if Pat did overstep her limits...but perhaps she did when she shared her email and chatted after she left her practice.

In any event...as a patient, you need to realize that a professional therapist can NOT be a FRIEND too.

There has to be boundaries.

And I don't know if the new therapists won't help because you want too much from them, or if you are trying to use them to get to Pat, or if your relationship with Pat was too personal that they can't help you. But you have to understand that if you and Pat had something more than a professional relationship, then it was wrong...and can't continue.

But I think you should continue to try and find a new counselor...and understand that a counselor cannot keep you alive - YOU keep YOU alive.

Stay alive for you, for your family, for your friends, for your WIFE. Not for Pat.

March 16, 2007
12:44 pm
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Thanks every one
when i was going to see Pat she told me we were more than counselor and patient she said we were friends .She sent me emails with jokes in them and things like that .
I did not know about boundaries so I let her into my heart .
I do have another counselor that i started to get feelings for so I had a talk with her about it and we set clear boundaries to stop it from happening again .My life now is just one day after another of pain and heart ach .If only I could let Pat go put she will not get out of my heart .Do not get me wrong she is a great person and before she left I could see the light at the end of the tunnel i guess it is God's will
and i can't compete with hin/her

You are all helping me so much I can't thank enough .This is only my second day after finding this site and I would like to thank the person that runs it.

March 16, 2007
1:59 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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tanker,

you mention that you let her into your heart...I wonder if your feelings run deeper than you really admit...perhaps deeper than a friendship.

And I also wonder if her getting married has anything to do with how you feel?

I have done alot of reading about codependency and such, and I read somewhere that there are certain situations where men should only have men therapists and women should have women therapists....because then feelings cannot develope and attractions can't be a distraction from the therapy.

Perhaps you would be better served with a male counselor - who you could keep professional boundaries with?

In the end, your counselor can't be your friend...and no matter what "rules" you establish...if you have feelings like you depend on them and your "heart" feels like they are more than a counselor, there's a problem.

It's hard to work thru therapy if your mind says "this is only professional" and your heart says "this is my friend". It is a distraction from what you really need to be focusin on. And you need to be going to therapy to work on your issues and recover, not for a social visit. That is what real friends are for and they don't require a payment at the end of the visit.

March 16, 2007
2:36 pm
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Hi risingfromtheashes

too true but i found out too late
Pat is in there petty deep

March 16, 2007
2:42 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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tanker,

how do these feelings and suicide attempts affect your marriage?

do you have kids?

Remember it's NEVER TOO LATE.

Yes, Pat crossed a line a professional shouldn't cross. And now that it's over, you are stuck picking up the pieces.

That sucks...and it isn't right.

HOWEVER - you don't have to stay "stuck" in that thinking.

It's your choice - do you want to live and enjoy life...or do you want to keep suffering?

I know that when you are really depressed, you don't feel like you have a choice, and sometimes you WANT to keep suffering.

But it's truly no way to live. There is so much joy out there that you could have...in time, it can come to you.

Perhaps you can look into the male therapist this time...and before you get "too involved"...tell him in one of the first sessions what happened...so that if he decides not to help you, you haven't wasted a ton of time.

But remember - when in therapy, you are there to learn to move on and be happy...to learn how to deal with the disappointments, but not stay stuck in them...and the focus should be working thru your feelings about Pat and getting it behind you...and getting her out of your heart.

It doesn't sound like Pat is ever going to be back in your life...and a good therapist can help you learn to cope with that...and open your heart up to the right kind of love...like the love of your family and spouse.

March 16, 2007
5:14 pm
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revelation
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Hi Tanker...when you say you let Pat in to your heart...do you mean you are in love with her?

March 16, 2007
5:57 pm
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Hi revelation
I guess you could say I love her like a sister .I do not have lust for
her I respect her too much for that.
My wife had a hard time with this at first but after talking to my Doctor
she now understands .As far as my kids go i love them very much and cannot face them anymore they know I have given up .
3 years I killed a friend of mine
-every time I see my kids i think of his without him
-every time I see my grandkids I think of his without him
-sometimes I get the same feeling when I look at my wife
This counselor made me face this and was helping me get over it now she is gone for ever .How can I go on ??

March 16, 2007
7:05 pm
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revelation
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Tanker, you have developed a deep attachment to this person, but what you really really really need to get your head around is this: She hasn't developed the same attachment for you. You HAVE to let this woman go, you HAVE to start working on your life without her....there is just nothing on earth and nobody on earth who will make this woman be your therapist again, or your friend again, you HAVE to get your head around that. For your own sake.

Rev.

March 16, 2007
11:55 pm
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hi revelation
well i guess you are right .
If i keep pushing I will just cause more sh__ for her and me .Her good name is not as good as before and i do not need to hurt her more .
Why do men always think ME ME ME
this day on this site has helped more than 2 counselors and my shrink . do you know if they take paypal for donations .Checks are such a pain with exchage in the dollar .

Thanks

April 9, 2007
12:29 am
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TANKER
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I seen her today at church and she walked by me like I was not there .
How can this be she gave me back my life and all of you helped me stop from ending it .I felt like a steak was driven into my heart and it took all my power not to run after her .I pray to God every night for her to stay safe and for him to take me .All I want to do is die and I just cannot do it for some reason .
Are all counsellors so cold like this she knows how I feel and will not even talk to me .

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