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Desperate
October 27, 2006
10:58 am
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Newhorizons
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I'm in a new relationship and actually for once in my life watching for signals that concern me. The new guy is out of an old relationship that involved an alcoholic and still wants to be her buddy even though the relationship was dysfunctional and she help put him in debt, called him names, etc. Her mail still comes to his home after 5 months later of her moving out. Does this mean he still loves her? I told him he had to make a choice either out relationship all the way or her. Am I wrong? Am I being selfish? Please advise.

October 27, 2006
11:33 am
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Simondo3573
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Tricky one. For a start he needs to sort the mail out and show there is some distance between. How much does he want to be her buddy. If he can be totally open with you about ALL contact and he can look you in the eye and tell you he will be and you can feel that that os the truth and he is being honest well OK. I guess to my mind its grown up to allow people to stay in touch with people they have known earlier anything else and I'd say start looking for other red flags

October 27, 2006
11:42 am
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taj64
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Hi New Horizons, I would steer clear of this man. His relatinship with the other person despite being dysfunctional is still alive. It was only over 5 months ago and some people it takes awhile to recover no matter how dysfuncional of a relationship or not. Jumping from one relationship to another without properly healing is not really a good catch of a guy. It is much harder to leave a dysfunctional relationship than a healthy one so it seems to be me he has not given much time to understand the past relationship. If they are broken up, and he is with you, then there is no need for them to be friends. You said this was new and you already have to give him a choice, all the way or with her? I personally feel it is too soon to be saying commitment. On the surface it appears to be strong to bring about an ultimatum but at the same time is it not too early to be asking for commitment, is this a reasonable request? Do you really know this guy since it is new? To me is appears to be needy, insecure, and demanding to choose between person. If you are prepared to make an ultimatum like this, also be prepared for an answer you might not hear. When he tell you he loves you, and he means it, then that is when he loves you.

October 27, 2006
12:55 pm
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shyshy
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I personally would not want to be involved with a man who is still involved with his ex. Too much of a chance for drama.

I would probably tell him you are willing to date him when he is over her. I think he still cares for her. I mean, friendship is one thing but doing favors for an ex and still having her mail come to your house is another.

I would take a few steps back and not get too involved with him.

October 27, 2006
12:58 pm
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shyshy
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My ex bf used to keep in constant contact with an old gf of his because they were still "friends" They were really. I saw no indication of them being involved other than his ocasional once every two weeks phone call to her for some advice.

Back then I was so inmeshed with him that I told him he had to cut the friendship. He said he would, but didn't. It took about a year of me finally telling him that I would end the relationship with him if he didn't before he stopped calling her. We were dating already three years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if he still cares for this woman it's going to be hell to try and get him to stop and if he doesn't, it's still going to be hard.

October 27, 2006
2:56 pm
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Newhorizons
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It's not just the mail. He had her on a cell phone line too and didn't say a word. Call her and told her he would be turning the phone off and gave it to me. She called upset about the phone being disconnected. If not for the constant drama the friendship wouldn't be a problem. He has also told me he has to have someone in his life. At one time he said if he loses her and me he'd be at point zero again. I told him I do not want to be just someone. Also on the mail coming to the house I got her a change of address form to fill out and no postage necessary; her son picked up the mail with the change of address form. He blames if on her acoholicism and I blame it on she's just a B.t.h causing problems and knowing what she is doing. Like I told him if she goes out and murders someone do you say "on she's an acoholic" no of cause not. That's an excuse to do what you want to do and get away with it(excuses, excuses, excuses).

October 27, 2006
4:37 pm
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truthBtold
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Trust you gut!!!!

If there is a little voice inside of you that says...."something just ain't right here"

It ain't.

Best to cut your losses now before all the drama drives you crazy!!!

October 27, 2006
5:10 pm
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needtoheal
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DEFINITELY!!

I think that if there is some doubts

then I would cut your ties to this

man...

You will NEVER be able to change him

and/or the feelings that he may have

for this ex who is now his "FRIEND"

If it is causing you so much pain

I would just leave this relationship

and go on with your life...

I wish I had done the same ..........

October 27, 2006
5:19 pm
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shyshy
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The fact that he said he always has to have someone in his life is a red flag!

I would run for the hills!!

October 27, 2006
5:22 pm
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on my way
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Whoa! This is what I picture by reading your posts...I picture someone carrying him around on their backs. Not only is that heavy and a responsibility that you don't need...but it does not leave much room for a RELATIONSHIP. Do you really want to be telling him what he needs to do to be with you or make you happy?

October 29, 2006
6:17 am
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sis_who_got_help
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If the relationship is new and there are red flags, why let it get old?

October 29, 2006
8:27 am
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taj64
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Why is it up to you to do the work of this relationship? Isn't he a grown man capable of ending this old relationship? I see a person trying to control the relationship when it is relatively new one. It reaks of disaster. You see her a bitch because you know inside that she still has feelings for him and if he cannot cut ties with her he also has feelings for her as well. Of course this would leave you jealous. Why do you want a relationship like this? How long is this new relationship exactly? He only ended the other one 5 months ago. This is way too much drama for a new relationship. He is a needy man, and I have a feeling this is a draw for you, "that he needs you". His need to have her and you is having his cake and eat it too, basically. I already see you trying to control this relationship. New relationships do not start off this way. It about getting to know one another, slowly, sharing, supporting and not rushing into commitment because of some other woman in the picture. You do not seem very happy for a new relationship, that is bad sign as well. I'd say it is not worth all the stress and drama, because that is not what love is about. Letting go would be my advice before it gets worse. There are plenty of other guys out there that can do better for you. He has not healed from that previous relationship and he is keeping you because you are there providing all the support he needs but it is too much and therefore you are not getting what you want out of the relationship. The expectations are high but nothing is getting delivered.

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