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desperate for some help, all my relationships have been PAIN
June 18, 2007
9:48 am
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eurogurl
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I dont know, but im realizing that perhaps instead of blaming all my ex's as being abusive, alcoholics, maybe i need to look at myself as a blaming, angry, messed up individual, as well.
im so upset right now..
im addicted and obssessed with my men, and trying to control and change them, i cant let go and lead my own life.
Im so in love with the man im with right now, after divorce from an abusing alcoholic three years ago, that i cant think straight.
I just want to stop fearing that he will leave me, and stop throwing him out because he wont marry me NOW.
He cheated on me, and im having a hard time forgetting that. Its been a couple months, but every time we argue i bring it up, and he says he cant handle that and its breaking us up.
Well, how can i just pretend it didnt happen? I keep checking his stuff, his computer, questioning his whereabouts, his phone calls, hes on a short lease, but its because i wanna catch him out, if hes going to cheat on me again. I just cant handle the betrayal. He does love me, and even broke our engagement because he feels that he may not be trustworthy, or were still arguing too much to get married right now.
well im mostly upset because he broke our engagement, although im not really ready to marry him, either, while were arguing like this.
I find im really bitching at him a lot, but i also find he can be very disrespectful in his tone and manner.
Im starting to question myself, big time.
I know my heart and inner voice is correct, as it was that that told me he was cheating, and i found him out. If i had not found out, i doubt he would of told me. In fact it was hard for him to admit, and after he did, he broke our engagement, so it was a double whammy for me. and i hate him for it.
Yet we have been living together for a year, and he still vows im his soul mate and one love.
help:(

June 18, 2007
9:59 am
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serenityali
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Eurogurl,

If you have shared your life with several alcoholics you need Alanon. Anyone who has been affected by their life, becomes affected as well. That's why they call it a family disease.....You become so obsessed with the person using that your life revolves around them. Sometimes the codependent becomes sicker than the addict/alcoholic. Look in the yellow pages. Usually where ever there is an AA/NA meeting there will be Alanon close by. If you have attended before go back, it will give you understanding of what is going on, doesn't cost anything and you will be in good company with good people. They will know your pain and help you. There is a poem that helps too.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....the courage to change the things I can....and the wisdom to know the difference..

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Ali

June 18, 2007
10:10 am
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chardy
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Hi eurogirl

Sorry to hear that your partner was unfaithful but if you are his soul mate etc why did he break off your engagement? Most men would be begging forgiveness.

If he speaks to you in a disrespectful way then maybe he doesn't respect you or maybe by putting you down he feels better about himself?

My ex's have all been abusive in one way or another and I have reaised that it is about me, I have brought all of this pain on myself. Ladeska says I am an adrenaline junkie and I know she is right. See 'how do you become prey to acharmer/abuser'.

I can remember one relationship where I knew he was unfaithful but had to check his pockets etc to prove it. I never found anything and he told me I was paranoid. I wasn't,I knew. After we had split up he admitted it,he had been unfaithful many times. I should have trusted my intuition and split earlier.

If you believe that he is now faitful to you then stop going through his things and questioning him. If you believe that he is being unfaithful, move on, you can do better.

Chardy (((eurogirl)))

June 18, 2007
10:20 am
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risingfromtheashes
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eurogurl.

if you keep him on a short leash, he is going to be resentful, BUT he isn't going to cheat...not now.

only until you give him enough rope, is he going to hang himself.

I found this out my own hard way.

If he knows you are watching he is going to behave...and resentful at the same time.

Once he knows you aren't looking - if he is going to do it again - he will.

and it won't take you long to figure it out, and you won't need to be a detective to do it...your gut will tell you.

My ex did the same...and he even said the same about wanting to marry me, but now he doesn't, cuz he can't live with me if I don't trust him.

so, I let down my guard and trusted him.

IT DID get better.

Then one day I figured out he was cheating again...and left him for good...without question.

He is going to be resentful and mean and disrespectful as long as you keep him on a short leash.

If it's going to work - or fail - you need to let him prove it.

give him a long rope.

either he's going to make you proud and love him again.

or he's going to hang himself.

but he's not going to hang himself if you play watchdog...and in the meantime, he's going to keep blaming you for all the failures of everything.

If he is meant to succeed, he will...if he is going to cheat...he will...and you can't control it.

June 18, 2007
10:57 am
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lettingo
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eurogurl,
As stated you need help from a program like Alanon or you will continue to repeat the pattern of letting men abuse you. My alcoholic/addict loved me too and swore we were sole mates but stole from me and was mentally abusive because of his addiction. I came to realize that I too was sick and needed help because like you I would keep picking the same men. You really should try Alanon for your own dysfuntion. Even in your post you are making excuses up for you present relationship. Saying he loves you but he cheats on you and that he loves you so much he broke off the engagement. You may want to step back and ask youself is this really what you want from someone? I am divorced and vow to stay single until I feel I have worked through alot of my issues and have completed the 12 steps of Alanon. I KNOW if I don't I will find myself in the same situation just a different face.

June 18, 2007
11:33 am
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eurogurl
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everyone thank u from the bottom of my heart.
i told him he was abusive and he said , not as much as you. Im beginning to think im just as abusive. Ive threatened to make him homeless, in fact i have thrown him out with nothing to his name except his clothes.
i took care of him financially, and then i find out during our seperation of two months he was advertising for sex.
he says he regrets it, but it feels like he is still looking for other women, when we aer out. He either is. or im really paranoid, which he says i am, and need to stop, cause he cant go out with me if im always checking to see who hes lookin at.
he still lies to me now and denies sleeping with this woman, but he stayed over night at her house. What else were t5hey doing, playing checkers? He did say he was looking for sex, because we were seperated ( not emotionally ) and " in need"
were living together, one year, and were having sex without a condom, i could get pregnant. I said, what if i got pregnant, would u marry me? HE said u dont have to be married to have a child.
I dont know, i thought that was disgusting.
im pretty liberal, u dont have to be married to have a child, but i think i would like to be.
ive done coda and sought counselling, ive been in one alcoholic marriage for thirteen years, and hes still harassing me through access, threatening to go for custody, even though they are in my sole custody for the past five years.
my ex was here, on access, and shouted bullshit in front of my now bf/commonlaw about me having "issues" and now my bf says, hes right, u have control issues and other issues. ..hes using what my ex said in anger and hatred against me when we have an argument.
it just feel slike everyone has issues to me, and my bf says, u are accusing everyone of being messed up , all your ex's your mother, well....they were in my books.
my mother was a narcisscistic, controlling, abusive woman and all my ex's have mirrored that with various addictions.
any more words of wisdom? I will get myself into alanon and counselling asap, but this site is very helpful

June 18, 2007
11:54 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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eurogurl.

common sense would say that if you have guys that make you crazy, OF COURSE you would have control issues.

it's NO WONDER you do.

the trick is to find a guy who does not TRIGGER these issues...who makes you feel safe and secure.

this guy isn't making you safe and secure...and is triggering you with his disrespect.

My take would be that you need a guy who makes you feel safe...who doesn't trigger your insecurities.

In the meantime, perhaps you need some counseling to work on building your esteem and worth, so that when/if you look for a new guy, you find one that will treat you right and you have the strength and confidence to pass up the losers, find the winners...but also, recognize the losers before you get involved.

June 18, 2007
11:57 am
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nappy
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Eurogurl, after reading all of this my question is "why are you with this person".
You are seeking for help and you already know what the problems are. The only way the pains stop in your relationship with mens really comes from you.
If you see that you are in a pattern with your life, then you need to change it. If you see that what you are doing is not working, then you need to change it.
Sometimes you may be with mens that is a reflection of yourself and you are trying to deal with what you are seeing but before you can deal with them, you need to deal with yourself first.
It seem like that you are hanging on for dear life with this person.
You also need to understand that you CAN NOT keep this man from doing anything that he want. He is his own person, just like you. It also seem like you are spending to much time with your mind on him then you are with yourself.
It is a sad way to live sweetheart, let go of the rope, you need to be more into YOU. You need to be enjoying your life and not worrying and worrying about what this man is going to do next. You can't stop anything and you can't control the situation. If you want the pain to stop then you need to start with yourself first.
Nappy!

June 18, 2007
12:43 pm
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lettingo
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eurogurl,
Why would YOU have sex with someone you know is unfaithful? Do you think because you got pregnant he will magically change and be the person you want him to be? I would be more afraid of getting and STD than getting pregnant. I think you know this person is not right for you. I hope you get help in breaking away from a relationship that can potentially cause you a lot of harm. I know you said you "did" coda but I don't think it is something you do and are done with. I'd suggest, again, get back into some kind of group and/or individual therapy.

June 18, 2007
3:24 pm
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fantas
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Eurogurl, I remember you from a while back. I totally underestand where you are at because I have been there. To be honest, I don't think you are ready to be in any relationship at all. It sounds like you should work on your self-esteem and self-worth. You are willing to endanger your mental, emotional, and physical health with this man who doesn't seem to have any respect for you whatsoever. Something about you believes that this is all you deserve and you need to figure that out first otherwise you will continue this pattern of self sabotage. When I got out of the last abusive relationship I was in, I was so beat and tired from all the relationship drama I had put myself in that I decide to not get into another relationship until I figured out why I was always getting into these kinds of relationships. It's now 3 years and I am finally feeling ready to try being in one. I have done a lot of work to heal myself and learn to value myself and draw boundaries. Now I would rather be a lone for the rest of myself that let anyone misuse me in any way. It doesn't just happen, it takes a lot of work and commitment but boy! is it worth it!! Keep posting

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