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Desperate for advice.....
September 11, 2005
8:05 pm
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pixie123
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Hello everyone. I'm in a relationship that kinda sucks. I need advice. I've been told that my boyfriend (father of my two young children), is a sociopath....he is also a drug addict. He's been in and out of rehab for the past 4 years. To no avail...I guess the desire to quit just isn't strong enough for him. He has taken some more time off of work to do that all over again. I think it's because I left and wasn't going to come back unless he did something about his problem. I don't know what to think now. I get called really degrading names on a daily basis...like stupid b**** and dumb c***. I try to be patient thinking that he is just fighting a craving and I'm the closest thing to him to take it out on. He constantly steals money from me and finds it no matter where it's hidden. If he can't find it, he'll threaten me until I cave in. I work 40 hours a week and barely see a penny of it. I fear that the only thing left to do is leave. Anyone have any advice for me????

September 11, 2005
8:15 pm
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guitarstar
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Sounds like a verbally abusive and damaging relationship. Regardless of what his problem is, you don't deserve to be talked to like that. Your needs are not being met. You are on the right path if you leave him.

September 11, 2005
8:28 pm
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pixie123
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thanks guitar...that was a quick reply. I would like to leave, but he has my car. Has had it for almost 48 hours now without my permission. He left me a message to tell me he has ran out of gas and is stuck and screwed until he can find someone to give him money. Haven't heard from him in 12 hours now.

September 11, 2005
8:31 pm
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Anonymous
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Don´t just leave, take your kids and the kitchen sink with you. That is, be cool with it, think, don´t be impulsive. You´ve made this far! IMHO

September 11, 2005
8:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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Finances may seem like an obstacle, but if something is important enough, you can find a way. Do you have any savings? If so, either rent a car or buy a super cheap used one. Just get out of there. You deserve so much better!

September 11, 2005
8:56 pm
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pixie123
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how do you do that? do you just pull up one day with a moving van and say chow? like he's home all the time.

September 11, 2005
9:13 pm
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pixie123
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and what about the kids? I would obviously take them with me....who wouldn't? But what about custody issues?

September 11, 2005
9:56 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Has your car without your permission? Isn't that called theft? You are within your rights to call the police and report your car as missing.

"I try to be patient thinking that he is just fighting a craving and I'm the closest thing to him to take it out on"...yep, and as long as you are there he can use you as a buffer.

Can you seek out a lawyer to ask about the custody laws in your state? If you can't afford one, do a google search on volunteer lawyers or free legal assistance. You could also try using a mediation service, very often these are free.

September 11, 2005
10:06 pm
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22haha
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pixie - I would hate for you to live one more day like this. Even more, I hope to god your children don't hear the names he calls you. Why give him one more minute of your time? He deserves nothing from you, it sounds like. Is there ever a time you can have a calm, rational conversation with this man? Sounds like he doesn't appreciate you at all. He will abuse you as long as you are there and let him.

September 11, 2005
10:14 pm
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iknowiam
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i was in a relationship about 6 years ago with a woman who was a sociopath. i know how hard that can be. the lies on top of lies on top of lies(you get the point)are the worst. the name calling is even worse and i was hit a few times by this woman. the best thing i ever did was take my self out of it. she was a coke head and i was and alcoholic. there are places you can go. shelters till you get back on your feet. just get out of there. report your car stolen. you have to understand he does not have a conscience. he dose not have any understanding of right and wrong. he only cares for himself. you have to know and feel that in your heart of hearts. the best thing i ever did was leave. i did not look back. it was very hard to do. harder than quiting alcohol.

Peace be with you and your children.

September 11, 2005
10:55 pm
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Matteo
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I have an impression that you are afraid of him, and that leaving will not be as easy as packing up and calling the moving company...?

If that's the case, prepare everything in advance: your and your children documents, pack up the clothes, some toys and "the kitchen sink", figure out where you will be able to stay and leave when the possibility arise. Take with you the address book with the telephone numbers of family and friends, the lawyer, the school, the shelter, the doctor, etc. You have to absolutely take your children with you. I don't know how old are your children, but if they go to school, you might have to make arrangements, if you don't want him to follow and contact you(same with your workplace).

I think leaving this situation is the best what you can do for yourself and your children. If he wants you to stay - let him go to the rehab and stay clean for a very, very long time - and then see. I don't think it will happen anytime soon, if ever. He is responsible for himself and you don't have to serve as his bank account, while being abused verbally and threatened. Your children are affected by this much more than you might think.

I know it will be hard at first, but really the hardest part is to leave. You will be much better off without him. Good Luck!

September 11, 2005
11:39 pm
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pixie123
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Thanks...I think I have heard what I wanted to hear. And what so many people have advised me to do. And I think that you are all right. I need to go and I think it might be tomorrow. Thanks for the advice and I will try to keep in touch.

Peace:)

September 12, 2005
1:38 am
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Lass
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PIXIE,

I left an abusive husband, suddenly, leaving everything but our son, and began again at age 33. It would have been better to have a plan, but sometimes, you just seize the day.

I contacted the victim witness coordinator at the da's office, and called the sherriff, told them I was fleeing the family home for our safety, and leaving the state, and that if they wanted to stop me, now would be the time. They said nothing. I left the state with my child... age 3... something unheard of.

I went home to my parents, the only people my ex would fear enough to stay away from. They were helpful but not financially --I managed to get on county aid by breifly living elsewhere, which helped until I found a good job.

I was represented in an out-of-state divorce through an abused women's group legal aid project. A pro bono attorney. Not the best, but nearly free.

I did not ask for child support, knowing he would not ask for the visitation due him if I didn't ask for money. I went without his help for about five years, without ever having any child support order.. so he never owed it later.

When I did finally ask for money (he's a building contractor who makes who knows how much), at age 8, X mounted a four year battle for custody. This to avoid paying me $200./ month, and to control and spite me. I would never even have asked for anything, but my present husband forced me to.

But I still have my son, who is 12. He now sees his dad at summer break and Christmas.

I am considered a success story in abuse circles. I got away. Much of it was verbal and emotional abuse, isolation, stalking, threats, cutting the phone lines. We lived at 7,000 feet at the end of a gas well road off an Indian reserve, with no neighbors.

I did repeat, but the circumstances are quite a bit better this time. I am so much stronger than I once was, and have faith in the Lord to see me through. He will help you, too.

Love,
Lass

September 12, 2005
12:27 pm
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Anonymous
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my best friend was abused by her ex husband - 3 children of marital rape, beatings and stabbling (including during pregnancy), having to take two kids to the hospital with you to birth your third..the list goes on.

he was a drug addict - she lived in fear, never knowing when he would be home or not.

she packed a diaper bag, and showed up in her pajamas at 3 a.m. at an abused women's shelter. it was her ONLY chance at survival.

if your car is out without your permission and you requested it back and he won't oblige, report it stolen. my brother's probation officer told me to do just that once when he did the same...I located the car and had it towed home and then suffered his rage when he had no way home and my parent's rage for me leaving him with no car.

anyway - if you want out - you can get out. if you are abused to the point of pain - then material items don't matter. thousands of people are leaving new orleans right now - with only the clothes on their back - they have no choice, it's a matter of survival. if you can stay and secretly arrange things - do it - if not, just get out and worry about the rest later. leave and have a police escort take you back to get your stuff under protection. go to a women's shelter and get their aid. get a family or friend to go back with you.

there are options - you CAN DO IT and you kids NEED YOU TO.

September 12, 2005
12:41 pm
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taj64
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I was married to a drug addict and we had two kids together. He did coke. He stole money from us. He sold things in the house. He got fired from jobs. I went into rehab 3 times. But the last time he went to rehab, I became unsupportive of him. I didn't trust him anymore. I didnt want to be around him. I thought he was going to rehab so he could escape family life and because he didn't have a job. He got better after this but not long. I got tired of it and it two one more time of lying to me to change my life. I change the lock on the door and we separated. It didn't take me as long to get over my husband. Just a few months maybe 6. Now after so long, I fell in love again but this time I became addicted...to love. I was addicted to a person. He broke my heart. It is taking me much longer to heal from the pain than my husband. But I am determined to get over it. Living life with a drug addict, liar, was destructive for me. The kids are better off being in a loving home with just mom than trying to look like a family that is dysfunctional. You're living in fear, no trust, and not just kind of suck but it really bad for you. I would get out of it for the sake of the kids. They deserve better and in time you will see that you deserve better than this. You can get child support and also county help with daycare. It is ok to ask. And believe it or not it is better to worry about money for yourself than to worry about someone taking it from you.

September 12, 2005
12:43 pm
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taj64
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oops i meant that he went into rehab. I am so glad I reread my words that I write.

September 12, 2005
1:37 pm
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shyshy
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Pixie, why do YOU have to leave? Why don't you just tell HIM to leave? Will he? Or will he threaten or hurt you?

September 12, 2005
2:11 pm
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kathygy
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Get away from this man asp. I don't care if he's a drug addict or not there is no excuse for his abusive treatment of you. He also has a pretty bad character if he steals money from you and takes your car. Don't make any excuses for him, he is what he is. Don't count on him changing even if he does get clean.

September 12, 2005
11:52 pm
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pixie123
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Thanks everyone, I have took the first step and walked out. I'm a little nervous, but I think I can do it. I'm just worried about when he thinks he is fixed and comes banging on my door again like so many of you have endured. I hope by then I'm strong enuff to slam it in his face.

September 13, 2005
10:12 am
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columbia
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Material things are less important than you think . When I left I left everything but some of my clothes and toiletries. A lot of people judged me but I still wouldn't wish my life on them. It was sooo miserable. I was at a point of "rather die than stay". You might get him to leave but he will probably feel he has some "right" there,which could make it harder to keep him away.Just something to consider. lots of good luck

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