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depths of despair...can I heal?
July 15, 2005
1:39 am
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I C Gold
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Ok, this is my first post to this site-I took some time reading the other threads and realized that I'm NOT the only one on this planet with these problems.
Let me list them and see if anyone can help start me on the path of salvation and sanity.
I truly believe I'm co-dependent. I've read the books and meet most of the "criteria".
I had a sexaually abusive childhood, married to get out of the house at 18, to a man 14 years older-Divorced him 10 years later, fell in love with a man who was perfect but drank like a fish, and had more issues than me so I put MY life on hold to fix his. That worked for 9 months. Then met, married and am now being divorced from husband #2.(11 years together)he couldn't find what he wanted here at home so found it somewhere else. It's emotional-not physical(NOT YET).We've been seperated for about 1 month now and talk daily(we have a child together)I'm on such an emotional roller-coaster. I have my good days -sometimes just hours- and my bad ones as well.
I know divorce has phases of grieving like you do when someone dies. When do I get to get out of the anger/rage/hurt stage and move on? He just asked me tonight if I could watch our daughter Sat so he could go and be "with" this other woman-She's his boss so they've really had to be careful and HER X has their kids this weekend...I KNOW I should just relish the time to spend with my daughter but how can I do that when I'm thinking about what he's doing...I get physically ill just thinking about it. I went on a "friend only""no strings" date tonight with someone I've known and has heard me whine and moan about all of this..Thought my X was going to hit the roof. He was furious and later told me was extremely hurt. WHY? He has someone, am I not supposed to be able to move on?
I want to fix my co-dependency so I can start,have and maintain a real and healthy relationship. I think it would help my daughter and X as well if I finally got my act together.
Thanks for listening šŸ™‚

July 15, 2005
5:32 am
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revelation
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Whoa there!!!!

Can you read back over what you wrote again sweetie?

Why? Well, at the start you wrote "I've read the books and meet most of the "criteria"...you never mentioned what "criteria" you fit??? And from there on you write about every other person in your life write now and NOTHING about yourself!!!!

So, please understand, the majority of us here are also codependent and have gotten all tangled up like you before....what I am trying to do is find out about YOU...not everyone in your life OK? The first gem of wisdom I'd like to share is that YOU control your own life and nobody else.

So...tell us more...

July 15, 2005
8:22 am
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gazelle
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Welcome, I C Gold. Lovely, hopeful name, btw. (I honestly cannot understand Rev's reaction, after you've given so much personal info in one short first post!)

From what you write, I see why you describe yourself as codependent: you suffered sexual abuse as a child, ( - this often leads to the victim feeling helpless; that her feelings just don't matter.) You were married to an alcoholic, and admit to having put your own life "on hold to fix his". ( - likewise.) Typical of what many of us have done, and I really sympathise.

Even now, while divorcing your 2nd husband, you realise you are "enabling" his selfish behaviour at your own expense: by even considering helping him see his new woman, regardless of your perfectly understandable feelings of outrage & hurt. Whereas HE wouldn't even 'let you' go out w a friend without getting cross! How controlling & unfair!
[I'm just showing I 'listened' & am validating what you said.]

So I imagine you feel that your emotions are controlled by others. (v coda - me too!) You understandably feel hard done by, used. You feel like stopping for a moment & screaming: "What about ME???"

So WELCOME to the club! This site is all about sharing our experiences. We are learning effective ways first of discovering our own feelings & needs. Then expressing them to others effectively & assertively, so they get met. This long process of healing & self-discovery leads to renewed self-respect and a growing sense of freedom and autonomy. Like getting our life back again. Therapy, counselling & attending CODA meetings can help enormously.

It can be a difficult journey - but you have made the first step of recognition & seeking help. Well done! It can also be an interesting & fun journey in parts. The great thing here is, you need never be alone. The sharing, validation, fresh perspectives, advice & jokes are priceless gifts along the way.

Good luck as you pick up your staff & cloak and set off along your Path. You may meet dangers & challenges - but you will meet fellow-pilgrim friends & gain many new strengths & joys.

Blessings - gazelle.

July 15, 2005
8:28 am
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gazelle
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PS. Tell him what you said here. That YOU feel furious (like he did on your 'friends-only'date when you just needed someone to talk to about your suffering.) That YOU feel: "extremely hurt" too! And with more reason, since he IS with his new love.
Just bite the bullet and calmly - well, outwardly calmly - state those simple facts. You have every right, and even DUTY to yourself, to make "I-statements." How he reacts & deals with knowing your feelings is up to him.

Good luck!

July 15, 2005
12:50 pm
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I C Gold
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Thanks for the support, but he deems my "I" feel moments as whining and puts them off to me being "crazy"...
He's admits that he's been verbally abusive and my self-esteem is shot to hell. But then I'll have an "up" moment and feel like I'm getting it together and then 5 minuutes later want to dig a hole and crawl in..I understand it's the roller coaster but I HATE roller coasters-even as a kid!
I put on a good face, make people laugh and am very forward and sometimes abrupt with people so that they can't see the hurt and try to hurt me more.
Being a child abuse surviver, does my wanting to control everything around me come from NOT having control when I was young and trying not to lose it again? I was abused for 10 years by my father...

July 15, 2005
12:54 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I was also abused for 10 years by my mother and father welcome to this site hunny have you got any counceling for the abuse?

July 15, 2005
1:00 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am just now dealing with my child hood abuse my ex step father is in prison due to get out soon. I have lots of issues if you could read one of my posts umm the I belived it was my fault thread it gives away to heal that my councler suggested

July 15, 2005
1:08 pm
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Have had some counseling, we even tried a marriage counsler but X informed all that I had too many past issues to work out before we could start with "us". And that's true...partially
I've told my mother about the abuse, but she denies it and we all ignore the large elephant standing in the living room ! I have never confronted my father, just wished he die and go away but also know that won't fix ME!
My "shrink" said I make poor men choices-if there were 100 men in a room I'd pick the worst one for me. He said I'm not happy unless I have conflict and strife in my life-in spite of NOT wanting it, I don't know how to be happy in a relationship.
Is that because I don't know how to be happy with myself????

July 15, 2005
1:10 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I think you might need to focous on the abuse because untill thats healed or as much as possibe its going to be very hard to be happy.

July 15, 2005
3:08 pm
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kathygy
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You can ge happy in a relationship but you need to pick someone who loves and respects you fully in a consistent manner. You also need to love yourself and part of that is making life affirming choices and taking good care of yourself. Become aware of your self talk. What kind of things do you tell your self? If you write these down you will see how hard you are being on yourself. Change your self talk to loving and accepting words. Do the healing work you need to do on your sexual abuse. You can most definately heal with time and hard work but you are worth it.

July 16, 2005
1:46 pm
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Well, he just left to go be with the other woman for the first time w/out either of them having the kids. I was trying to be strong and upbeat for everyone sake and when he dropped our daughter off, promptly fell completely apart!!AHHHH. šŸ™
I told him and keep telling myself that I can't blame him for wanting to be happy. I DON"T have to like that it's not with me- but I can't blame him. Everyone deserves to be happy-I guess that includes me? We weren't happy together and maybe apart someday I can be....It's been one month today since he asked for the divorce. I told him he's got to get the paperwork finished, I can't do this "hanging on" stage forever.....
Thanks for listening. I'm going to start my journal tomorrow.

July 17, 2005
2:43 am
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EJ
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Hi Sweetie,

I just have a couple of things to add to the very good advice from Gazelle and the others.

1) I'm very sorry that your dad abused you. It breaks my heart. Little children and young girls deserve love and protection. Please give these to yourself now.

2) You don't need to be nice about babysitting for your jerk ex so he can do his boss!!! It's emotionally abusive for him to even share this information with you. Tell him to get a sitter, you're busy, and you'd prefer not to hear anymore about his sad and sorry love life or to tell him anymore about yours! And mean it!

Hang in there!
Love EJ

PS I hope he gets crabs!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 17, 2005
9:52 pm
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He informed me today that he's job hunting, I'm assuming so they can be together...HOW DO I STOP HIM FROM MAKING ME FEEL GUILTLY IF I DON'T WANT TO KEEP MY DAUGHTER? I KNOW HE WANTS ME TO KEEP HER SOMETIMES SO HE CAN GO "PLAY"??????
help,
I'm having a really really bad time right now..am falling apart more now than when he first hit me with this a month ago...Is it because I know he's with someone else? Only ya'll can know the things I'm imagining and thinking-especially about what they are doing and it KILLS me? WHY????

If it wouldn't please him and make his life easier, I'd just "check out" on a permanent basis...but I KNOW that's not the answer to solve anything and this will pass..
Help me ya'll I need some serious support...

July 17, 2005
10:47 pm
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22haha
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Think of it this way... he couldn't find what he wanted with you - whats to say he is going to be happy with the next person he dates? If he treated you poorly don't you think he will do the same to her? Maybe you should be glad (in some way) that that part of it is over. I know it is terrible to love someone and miss them but you have to be true to yourself and know you deserve someone who is loving and respectful toward you. If he is giving you a hard time for dating or not wanting to watch your daughter while he "plays" then he obviously isn't respectful of your feelings. Take it one day at a time and concentrate on what YOU are doing not him.

July 17, 2005
10:52 pm
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turnabout
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Give me a break, Gold. You're justifying that he deserves to be happy? Do you hear yourself? No, he doesn't. He doesn't deserve to be happy when it means stepping on someone else's feelings... especially someone whose feelings he promised to cherish and respect! And do you see that agreeing to babysit so he can continue his deplorable behavior is ENABLING? ... a classic codependent behavior. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO ENABLE HIS BAD BEHAVIOR!!! Sorry to shout, but you deserve much, much better....

....but you won't get it until you ask for it. If they don't give it on request, you'll have to demand it. Something you are completely unaccustomed to, isn't it? But this is what you'll need to work toward. Make that commitment to yourself, for yourself. No more doormat!!!

July 19, 2005
11:25 pm
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I C Gold
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I've been a doormat for so long it's hard to realize I don't have to be anymore. That's why no dating, or relationships until I get me to a better place.
I read all the co-dependant books, I just ordered yet another one and tell my self-DAMN, they could have named this book after me!! I'm such a classic case of co-dependency. I don't need anyone to be hard on me because as you all know, we are hard enough on ourselves and hate ourselves for it!!! I'm really venting in my journal and it's helping but knowing all this I've got to fix seems like trying to climb Mt. Everest in winter!

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