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depressionsucks78...Having a gun pointed at you, makes you stop and think
September 11, 2005
12:03 pm
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depressionsucks78
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ok, i think it's time for a new thread, because my life changed DRASTICALLY in the last 48 hours.

i had a customer at work hold me and my co-workers up with a gun. NONE OF US GOT PHYSICALLY HURT, but the emotional scarring, and what i've been going through since about 3 am yesterday, have been MORE than enough to last me a few lifetimes.

I can't really go into a lot of detail, but the most important thing is that a gun was waved in the faces of my co-workers and myself.

yesterday, when i got home from work, the only emotions i was really feeing were anger and shock. this morning, i am feeling not only anger and shock, but TOTAL fear as well. some routine things were turned into huge ordeals because i freaked out. i puked because of a situation very close to the original one. i heard a car backfire, and i flipped out. i started crying, and shaking like crazy.

every time i even thought i was being followed by someone who shouldn't be following me, i started to sweat, and shake again. i couldn't sleep yesterday, because the whole thing was on "replay" in the brain train. then when i finally passed out from exhaustion, i had BAD nightmares.

i am almost drunk now, at 10 am, because i really want to just pass out, and stay that way until i get up to go to work tonight.

PLEASE, i need any advice that anyone can give me. how do i deal with this, how do i learn to trust ANYONE again? I AM SO SCARED!!!!

September 11, 2005
12:26 pm
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Longstreet
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Dep, what a scary situation for you! I don't have a similar situation but did lose a friend to violent crime 13 years ago this month. For a while, I was paranoid to go anywhere alone, be in any sort of confined space with a man. But it did pass eventually. I also went to church and did some healing work and today, it still and will always hurt when I think about her, but I pray for the person who killed her (he was 17), that what love must have been missing in his life, that he could commit such a horrible crime at such a young age, somehow he can see today where it got him (life in prison). So try to focus on why someone would do that to you, what lack of love in their life created a situation of desperation and pray for them. Also get help for post traumatic stress disorder and know it will get better because it does and thank God no one got hurt.

September 11, 2005
1:22 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Dep:

Scarry huh. I know. How to deal w/ it. First, if you are not dealin then make an appt w/ your family doc and tell him/her what happened. Will probably put you on a medication. Take it, you can always go off later. The counseling for ptsd is a great idea. I didn't have that offered to me. I don't think they had it back then. If you have a higher power or GOD then pray, read your Bible.

It may be rough for a little while. I am assuming this ws a random holdup? If so then sit back and get it in your head it was a one time thing. If it was literally someone you know then do something about it.

You need to regain your person, your self esteem, who you are. I tink you were having problems w/ all this before anyway, right? Get the help you need to heal. Read. Pray.

You are not alone. You have us here to fall back on. Post here and talk and vent when you need to.

((((((dep))))))

September 11, 2005
2:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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Your reaction is perfectly understandable. If I were you I'd probably be terrified to go back to work. And if I were you I'd probably be drunk at 10AM on a Sunday too after going through something like that!

This site may have some helpful information and links for you. Hang in there, sweetie.

http://psychcentral.com/librar.....olence.htm

September 11, 2005
2:53 pm
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Hey Depressionsucks,

What a horrendous situation! I can feel your pain even though I did not live in same situation, but I lived through unfair, opressive circumstances.

I like Mamac ideas and agree with them, they are very wise. When I went through opressive situation several years ago, I could not function, there were so much fear and depression inside of me. However, I consulted social worker who recommended me to punch a pillow or push water in the pool. I did both and SURPRISE, all the rage, anger inside of me were gone.

She pointed out to me that due to the unfair situation I've been thru, I retained my anger, this in turn turned into depression. So the best way to let that anger out was to take it out on safe object.

I was so relieved after these 2 simple experiments. I was able to smile, forgive, and interact with people. Try them right away. I am sure there is so much retained anger and rage inside of you!

I can also give you moral support by keeping your in my daily prayers.

Meanwhile, continue to vent and post.
We are all here for you.

~Love, Ras~

September 11, 2005
9:20 pm
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Anonymous
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The hold up is still holding you up. It got to your weak side someway. As someone told me when I closed my teaching books and left for the day in the middle of the class: "that student got to you, didn´t she?" The question is how to get a hold of your strong side! It looks like it´s in your words. Do get some help, don´t suffer. My sister was at gun point while I ran with the 4 yo - my reaction was anger. She carefully handed the car keys. Then one man from the second floor of the building pointed a gun at the two robbers and told them off or else. Her 6 yo son hiding behind a lamp pole whispered "mommy" as he saw the bad guys leave. The 4yo just asked me why I had brought her there and if the bad man could come get us. I praise for the way you behaved. I don´t know what´s right, I didn´t feel wrong running but a bullet could go through me to the 4 yo. Somebody said that if the guy on the 2nd floor had shot there could be a cross fire and someone might get hurt. Around here we just try not leaving robbers with hostages, you don´t know what they´ll do or where they´ll drive you. If we ask around who´s been robbed or kidnapped we´ll all want to know how the person managed not to. Maybe you are dealing with the question of losing the grip on your life. It´s really hard. Stick to your higher power.

September 11, 2005
10:46 pm
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depressionsucks78
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It was an isolated incident, but it could very easily happen again. The person was trying to pass a bad check, and that was how the whole thing started.

I just wanted to check in, but I have to go to work now. I'll check that site out when I have some more time, but thank you guys. I need this site more than ever now.

~ds78

September 12, 2005
12:19 pm
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Anonymous
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DS -

I am just getting here after a mess of a weekend, but nothing close to what you are dealing with.

I know I said you should call your doc back to reschedule your appt to discuss the mental anguish you have.

the suggestion never meant more than it does now.

post traumatic stress can eat you alive - you are already fragile.

my BF just survived yet another grueling week of nightmares related to 9/11 attack he witnessed. Then last nite, as the nightmares were supposed to be over, he was thrashing and panting and sweating and woke me out of a sound sleep with his distress - thinking it was 9/11 nightmare, I reached out and tried to calm him down. He woke up and was totally scared - the nightmare was not 9/11 related, but rather had something to do with a dead body in our dryer and the police surrounding the house...that's all he can remember.

post traumatic stress can eat you alive - hurry back to the doc - this is NOT something they lock you up for - this is NORMAL reaction stuff to what you just lived thru.

does your company have EAP program? most big ones do - employee assistance programs help employees get help finding a therapist when life gets to them - it's ANONYMOUS, but might be worth looking into - there are usually posters in the human resources department with phone numbers to call or in the lunch room. Your boss won't know - this is a free anonymous service. And knowing what happened, your boss should have some kind of grief counseling/therapy available, like they do in high schools when a kid gets killed - I am sure you aren't the only one that is stressing over this.

reach out - the help is there - and they are not going to lock you up for something like this.

September 12, 2005
12:33 pm
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depressionsucks78
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ali~

I am already in the process of getting face to face counseling. we do have a phone in thing through work, but they have said that in order to get my job to pay for face to face, i would probably have to jump through a lot of hoops. so, as i type, i just got off the phone with my insurance company, and as soon as i'm done here, i'm going to their site to find a therapist, and i'm going to call.

this whole thing is having such a negative mpact on my already fragile emotional state, that i feel like i'm about to literally go insane.

ironically, after it happened, my suicidal thoughts went away. i think it may have something to do with having my life in someone ELSE'S hands for a moment.

gonna go find a therapist.

love you guys

~ds78

September 12, 2005
1:32 pm
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depressionsucks78
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yay for me!!! i have an appointment for this afternoon, in 5 hours.

good grief, i better go to bed.

i will come back later to let you all know how my first appt. went.

love

~ds78

September 12, 2005
1:37 pm
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mj
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Great! Looking Forward to hearing!

September 12, 2005
1:40 pm
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Anonymous
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DS -

here's a thought

when we think of suicide - we really don't care whether we die or not - so we want out.

when dying is forced down our throats - in someone else's hands as you said - we realize we DON'T REALLY WANT TO DIE.

think about it - if you TRULY wanted to die - facing that gun could have been a blessing - like, yeah, I want to die, make it happen, take the pressure off me to do it myself.

so use that feeling - you do NOT want to die - keep it, hold onto it - cuz we all get tired of trying - that's not unusual - but in the end, we want to live - just not with all these problems.

I hope your appt went well - let me know!!!

September 12, 2005
2:15 pm
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Dep:

Congrats on the appt today. Will say a prayer for you. Do not get discouraged. Ali is right about the ptsd eating you alive; it can cause other illnesses. I've been ill for 10 years and it just keeps progressing. Not complaining, just letting you know.

Be strong; be safe

;0

September 13, 2005
12:04 am
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depressionsucks78
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well, i slept right through my appt. i have another one for tomorrow at 4:30 again, gonna go right to bed when i get home so i can wake up in time.

thinking a lot about life in general, don't want to die, but i want the pain to end.

you're right ali, when my life was in that guys hands, it kind of "woke" me up. made me realize that i really don't want to die. i didn't want to die before, but the thoughts were still there.

going to work late tonight cuz of overtime, but i'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

love ya

~ds78

September 13, 2005
3:43 am
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Hey, DS-

I finally read your post with great interest. I am so sorry it took me so long to STOP AND NOTICE. I owed you that much. I, myself, was the victim of a criminal this year. A stalker who was a rapist. Like you, i was never physically hurt. I was just so frightened (for so long) I could barely breathe. What you need to prepare yourself for is the aftermath. One of my best friends had a similar experience to yours. During the period of being in a daze and feeling surreal (sp?), you cope a lot better than say, a month later, when you are still wanting people to stop and notice that your life has forever changed..your trust and faith in people has been severely tampered with...yet the world goes on like nothing happened. No one stops, no one "gets it," unless they have gone through something similar. Even your some of your closest friends fade into the background and new ones come into the foreground. You world changes. I am just warning you of what to expect...the aftermath brings a lot of confusion, rethinking what the heck is going on, and reassessing your safety. I bought a $3,000 alarm system, as per police orders. You probably dont need that, but do what you have to do. I took self defense classes. I read a great book, called the Gift of Fear. I wont get in the car with any men, except this one male friend of mine who hardly meets my needs. The only thing I will tell u, is that time does heal, and learning to come to the aid of others who are victims also heals A LOT. I am glad you are going to find a GOOD therapist...make sure it is a good one... a bad one can really screw you up, trust me...and whatever you do, remember if you are a good person, then there must be plenty of others out there too. I am glad to talk to you anytime. It is a tough road ahead, but there are others out there willing to stop and listen and be there for you. All my love and kindness and support, Neshie

September 13, 2005
7:43 am
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((((((DS)))))))

I suffered from PTSD, and all I can say is it is treatable. I did not seek therapist, rather merely social worker, a good one though accompanied by lots of prayers.

Before I seek that counselor, I would wet my pillow each night due to crying my eyes out. I was so miserable then, could not function, had not self-confidence. My social worker pointed out to me that I was suffering from PTSD due to the unfair situation I went thru. She was listening attentively to me. I pray you will find good one too. One you feel comfortable with sharing your life.

Do not postpone, act ASAP!!!!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

September 13, 2005
7:48 am
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revelation
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Ds, I hope you are doing well today.

September 13, 2005
11:01 pm
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depressionsucks78
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i saw my new therapist today. she is really nice, and i think it will be a good therapeutic relationship for me. that is something i need desperately, have needed it for a while now.

neshie~

thank you! i already feel like i am all alone. it happened 3 days ago, and my best friend said to me today, "you're still having problems with that?" to which i responded, "hell, yeah, i;m still having problems".

right now, the therapist says it is called "acute stress disorder", and if, after 1 month, i am still having problems, then it becomes ptsd. i already have ptsd from being raped twice. i really don't know how much more i can handle without literally going off the deep end. my friends at work are acting like nothing happened. no one is saying anything, it's like i imagined the whole thing.

i didn't get to do much talking today in therapy, i had to fill out a lot of paperwork, as it was my first visit. i'm hoping next week will be more productive. she also told me i need to be on meds RIGHT AWAY. it scares me that after listening to me talk for literally 5 minutes, she knew i needed meds. i told her of my apprehension, but she said i need them now, maybe more than ever.

i'm off work for the next 3 days, so i'll be around more. i'd like to have more input from you guys if at all possible.

thanks again, and love to all

~ds78

September 13, 2005
11:17 pm
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Neshema
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Get plenty of rest, and yoga also helps. Anything to help with anxiety.

September 13, 2005
11:21 pm
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depressionsucks78
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if i wasn't in so much pain, i might give yoga a thought, but honestly, i can think of a couple of other things i'd enjoy way more than twisting my already sore body into a pretzel 🙂

September 13, 2005
11:23 pm
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Neshema
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there are DVDs for yoga for beginners..they are soooo sooothing.

September 14, 2005
12:04 am
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mamacinnamon
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Dep:

It may not feel like it but you just took some very big steps. Meds may seem scarry, but you can always off of them in the future.

Give your therapist a fair shot. She's gonna listen, suggest, and I'm sure there will be things that you are not happy w/, but follow her lead. She is to know what to do.

You will be fine. You will finally find your purpose in this life. Then the pieces will all fit together.

Stand strong; be safe. 🙂

September 14, 2005
12:41 am
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depressionsucks78
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i'm trying SOOOOO hard. but i keep hitting obstacle after obstacle in EVERY single thing i do. i just had a guy that i really liked, push me away because i am having trouble right now.

i don't know what to do, i can't cry any more, the tears are all cried, i don't have any more, but there is so much pain

September 14, 2005
6:43 am
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depressionsucks78
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i can't eat much, can't sleep well, don't want to go to work, but i have to, to pay the bills. i want to crawl into bed and stay there until the trial for this guy is over, and i know he's locked away for a VERY long time.

i know this is not a reality.

i hated the world before this happened, and now i hate it even more. i hate the fact that this jerk has all of the control over me right now. i know i need to take that control back, but i don't know how. i don't know if i have the energy to take it back AGAIN. i have been victimized so many times, and before, it took me a while, but i got the control back. now i'm not sure if i want it back. actually, i don't want to have to work that hard to get it back. i have struggled for so many years trying take control that has been stolen away from me. i don't have it in me to do it again. why can't people just be nice and not be assholes to everyone.

why do i have to live in fear all the time? i am so afraid that this guys friends are going to come back and kill us all, or do something else. i don't know. i'm just so freakin' afraid. i hate not being in control. i'm a control freak, and when things don't go my way, i get upset. i'm not like that in relationships, for some reason, just in most other areas of my life.

i don't get it. i really don't. every time things start going good for me, something happens to fuck it all up. for a long time i wondered if i was unintentionally sabotaging myself, by "causing" things to happen. now, i know that's not the case, because the last few times have been completely out of my hands.

i'm just tired of fighting, tired of pretending everything is ok, when it is SOOO FAR from OK.

therapy is good, but i only get to go once a week, and right now, i need almost constant therapy, like for several hours a day. i know that's impossible, but i want it to go away.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 14, 2005
6:53 am
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depressionsucks78
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when i have to drive late at night, i have panic attacks, because i think someone is following me, i think that they see me leave my work, and they follow me, trying to find out where i live.

in the last 2 days i have been getting a lot of prank calls. someone keeps calling, but as soon as i pick it up and say hello, they hang up.

i am very scared that one of 2, or both of these things are happening...1)this guy, somehow found out my number, and is calling, trying to fuck me up(it's working)...or 2)my stalker took a break, and is back at it again.

i really can't live like this, i am so scared to go anywhere alone.

WHY WON'T IT STOP????????????

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