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Depression vs. me
February 22, 2001
11:30 am
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lainmn
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September 27, 2010
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Hi! I am a 27 year old single mother and currently battling depression and not sure who is going to win. I have been thinking about suicide lately, but don't really think I want to die. Does that make sense? I guess I just want a temporary out. I am so tired of fighting and I am affraid that I will eventually run out of energy and quit. I am currently in therapy and taking an anti-depressant. I don't really discuss suicide because I don't want my therapist to know. Fortunatly, I don't think I could ever actually do it, but even just thinking about it is overwhelming enough. I love my son very much and would never want to do anything to hurt him. I am just tired of being unhappy and need some relief. I pretty much know what the unhappiness stems from and am working on that in counseling, but... Not sure why I wrote all this. I guess I am just waiting for someone to give me the key to free myself of depression.

February 22, 2001
11:45 am
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Molly
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You have the key, we all have the key, sometimes, we forgot where we put it, or are not ready to use it. To get out of depression takes energy, and life will change. Sometimes there is the fear of success, you might need, or want to make changes that could really effect your life. Your son deserves a mother who is truly alive, so live, live for you, to be able to give him what he needs, no one could give him what you can. Children also are aware when mom is depressed, so get it together. When you catch a blue moment, look at the miracle you created, that you need to complete. That is one of the keys, get out side, show him rainbows, I just read when you think you have come to the end of the road, find the rainbow, its a bridge, to some where else. Maybe you are just tired, being a mom when they are little is so hard, and so little reward, but it comes, just look at his smile, and when you hear him laugh.

February 22, 2001
12:44 pm
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anon
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I know what you're going through. I battle depression every day - an inherited trait from my mother with life in general added in. I tried suicide 15 years ago but God pulled me through and I promised him I would never try again - would just accept that I'm here for some reason even if it's one I'll never understand. In return, he's shown me that as bad as things may get, there are better times ahead. You never know what's around the next corner if you never get there. And you have another incentive to hang in there, your son. Don't be afraid to tell your therapist what thoughts are going through your head. He or she can't help you unless you're honest with them. Start a journal and write your feelings and fears down. For some reason, they never look as awful in black and white as they do in my mind. It isn't an easy battle, but you can win. Just don't give up!

February 22, 2001
4:57 pm
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Alena
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lainmn, I can really appreciate your situation. I've been a single mom of a son, it was so hard to do it all and stay upbeat and a good role model for him.

But, ya know, the good thing about life is that we never do know what tomorrow is going to bring. Life may look pretty "lifeless" to you now, but that can all change in the blink of an eye. An opportunity knocks, someone enters your life, baby boy does something which totally enlightens you. We just never know.

Do tell your counselor of your suicidal thoughts. Perhaps a change of medication or dosage is warranted. Suicidal thoughts can be very convincing, it's an awful feeling to think that you just can't go on. And then the guilt of leaving your son.
Look at that little face who depends on you.

I have 2 sons who may have grown up without me had I let the depression win. And when I think back, that would have been a very selfish thing for me to do. Because in the end, it would have been them, whom I love so much, who would have suffered, not me. My life would be over, they would be expected to live their lives without all that love I had for them. And with the stigma of a mom who comitted suicide. I couldn't do that to them. I had to find a way, you can find the way too. Take one day at a time, find the good things in each day, tell yourself tomorrow will be better and then FIND something in each day that IS good. Even if it's just a look in his eyes. HE needs you, even if you think there is no reason for you to be here. Nobody can replace a mom in a son's life. Trust me.

February 23, 2001
4:42 am
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yes yes, dont hesistate to tell ur therapist anything. i even told mine that i was doing cybersex. i thought before telling her, but then i thought if i'm going to hide anything whats the use of me coming here. so, whatever is on ur mind, tell ur therapist everything. its better! good luck..

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