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Depression, Lieing, cheating, My life has fallen apart!
August 11, 2001
12:01 am
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panda
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I've posted on here a few times in the past about being depressed. Well for the past few years I been going through depression.. my doctor put me on prozac which made me very emotional and My emotions were completely messed up. I also Had a boyfriend for the past year who lived an hour and a half away. At first he was very understanding and Listened to me complain about how much i hated life every once in a while I would cry a bit. Things were very good between me and him even though The distance made it hard. I fell completely in love with this person who seemed to understand me in every way. HE was there for me.. a phone call away whenever i needed someone to cry to. I gave him my virginity which meant everything to me because I loved him that much.

Well.. A few months ago.. once i started the prozac, as i mentioned i would get over emotional for no reason. He claimed to be getting tired of me blowing up at him all the time and said he needed a "break" but then i'd Cry a bit and he would come over and be with me like always. Everything seemed to go back to normal. Never once did i love him any less or think he Was losing feelings or interest in me.

A month later I found out he was talking ot another girl. I got so depressed I tried to kill myself. It sounds so silly now that i type it but I felt like if I didn't have him there would never be anyone again i couls find who understood me like i thought he did. HE swore to me that they had only gone out twice and it was harmless and meant nothing. So Me being naive and vunerable believed him and agreed to move in with him hoping it would make things better.

I moved in wioth all my things, thinking that everything would be great and lovely like it had been in the past. I was soo wrong. He took off and left me at his house with his family i barely knew. And i later found out he was out with another girl. Girls would call when i would answer the phone. I started hating him and myself because I wondered why I couldnt make him happy. I wondered why Did someone i love and adored so much Have to make me feel like nothing? Although he never admitted he was with another girl that night.. He sticked to his story of going out with a friend, Something told me that I had to leave his house.

So i did, Meanwhile he still tried to beg me to live with him so we could "start over"

But then 2 weeks ago.. I found out he was cheating. I found the girls phone number, The girl He had been sleeping with for over a month and Was faced with the harshest reality ever. He had told her i was Crazy and obsessed with him, referred to me as his ex and "that person" He told her that I was only living with him because he felt sorry for me ( I live in a very rural area with little to do ) And he just wanted to get me on my feet. He said we had no physical contact. This was all a lie.. I thought i was there To make out relationship easier and Better off. He sometimes would push me away but claimed it was because it was hot. He would then be affectionate with me the next day. I never knew this would happen and it really broke me to find out he was Cheating and Lieing to me and her.

Me and this girl Found out many things he had been lieing about and I have come to the conclusion he is a COMPULSIVE liar. He is the most Horrible and evil person i have ever met.. BOTH of us have ever met. He lied about things from his age to his job.. to both of us.. TO each other to the things i have already mentioned.

This has left me so lost and I am scared in what I am going to do to get over it. I haven't cried since i found out He cheated. I feel completely betrayed that i gave something special to this person and he Just threw it all away for someone he told me meant nothing to him. Even now after all this he Wants me back. He's tried to get me back. I've let him into my life to let him say sorry but then pushed him out again and told him i hate him and want him to die.

I'm scared that this will add up and i will just become unglued and Lose it. What can i do? Noone - not my friends or my family have been able to help. It just hurts too much. I thank anyone who actually takes the time to read this. Even more if you have any advice? thanks

August 11, 2001
6:35 pm
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gingerleigh
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Are you still living with him? You need to heal, darlin', and the quicker you get away from him the sooner your healing can start. He has proven that he cannot be trusted right now, and you have no way of knowing whether he is telling you truth or fiction. That's horrible for anyone to have to go through, it makes you start to question which way is up and what color blue is.

Still with us?

August 13, 2001
9:54 am
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janes
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Sure does make us feel shitty when we realize how much we can let someone else use us....and that there are people who WILL!!!!

Don't get sad...get MAD....

This IS NOT a guy you need to cry over. You need to fall on your knees and thank whatever spirit you want for saving you from a life of living hell....

could you imagine being MARRIED to him?

Don't feel lost...feel FOUND. You have your SELF and do not need another to be complete.

Work on healing YOU and being happy in your skin with your own company.

Recall the old saying "once burned...twice shy"

You have gained knowledge without losing years of your life....lucky you.

Go back to your dr. Your meds might be off a bit. Plus...are you in any counseling? Might help at this point.

August 13, 2001
8:43 pm
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panda
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hi, thanks for replying. I think i have gained alot of strength just in the past 2 days In dealing with this. My life has been turned completely upside down by it but i am showing him that i can still go on with or without him.

I did give in a let him come visit me and he tried to convince me to come home with him but i didn't. I stuck to what i felt and he is home and i am at home. I have began to realize that He never really cared, this whole relationship was his own selfish reasons. He has no remorse for what he did and even now Tells me that He did what he had to do and Thinks i was only in the relationship to experiment. IT just makes me want to kill him!

But I instead am trying to concentrate on other things. It's hard because out of nowhere i think about the situation and wonder what i did wrong or what i could have done to make him love me more. It's horrible i know but I just can't understand why a person could be so cruel whom you thought you loved..

Plus i keep having nightmares about him and other girls. Just seeing him walk by with another girl or him telling me He's with someone else. I had these dreams when i thought he was cheating. IS that weird? It scares me sometimes . I just want it all to go away!

August 13, 2001
10:09 pm
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Molly
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Try writing, your sub concious is forcing you to see what your concious is trying to block. The fact is his behavior really has nothing to do with you. its not that you did, or didn't do anything, it is all about him. Some people just don't know how they affect others, and then try to blame the person that they hurt, like it was your idea to subject your self to pain, and emotional abuse.

You might want to make an appointment with a counselor, to get some face to face relief, but it sounds like its time to pack, and hit the road, if not then time to plan how to pack and hit the road. Bad things happen to good people, so be gentle and loving to your self.

August 16, 2001
3:24 am
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panda
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The thing that makes it even weirder and more demented is me and that "other woman" have become friends! We were so amused about how much we had in common when we talked about him and his lies and Made fun of him and things that we decided to keep in touch and possible hang out sometime. Now I really don't think that will be anytime soon but we Have talked on the phone a few times i guess helping each other through it. It's so strange That the person my boyfriend cheated on me with is the one helping me through getting over him. It was a big dose of reality for me.. This whole thing. I want so much to just hate her guts which i did before Me and her sorted out the facts. I put all the blame on him. Each and everything because he knew what was going on and we did not. I wish i could wake up tommorow and it would all be gone. But unfortunately time goes alot slower than that

August 17, 2001
1:54 am
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panda
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I just can't get over this.. I feel like the hate I have for him is eating me up inside. That isn't what hurts the most.. what hurts is the love I had for him that i thougt was geunine and real. It hurts to think it was all a lie which is why i still hold on to this. I forgot to mention I am only 18.. he lied about his age.. i found out he us 27, and i found out only a little before i found he was cheating. Why and how could a person be so horrible? I feel like i was worthless to him..

August 17, 2001
5:29 am
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flowers in the windows.
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It's called, karma.

August 17, 2001
8:05 am
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sue2001
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I really don't know about you making friends with the "other womam." if it makes sense or not. I don't think it does but you are not alone after everything that I went through while my husband was cheating me and her started talking and we would talk on the phone and such as that. at the time there would have been oppourtunity for us to have hung out but that never happened and I don't think that I could have made a friendship with her. Not her fault though I liked her alot I think alot has to do with the fact that while we were seperated over the affair my husband told me that I think the two of you could be friends....of course that was hateful and ugly for him to say but it is true she was the type of person I would be frinds with. That in itself was hard to swallow because at the time rumors were flowing that he had at least tryed to kiss her so... any way I know how you feel and you are not alone.... it happens...:) sue

August 17, 2001
4:43 pm
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panda
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Karma? What do you mean?
Sue: See It's so scary because Me and this girl.. like in a another life could be best friends! And I thought she Was helping me through it but when i talked to her last night I felt HORRIBLE. Comparing notes somehow got to me Because The way he treated her Was so simular. Other people tell me things like you mentioned " oh it happens" etc but if you're an honest person Does it really deserve to happen to you? What can I do to avoid this in the future? How do i know when someone is lying or when he's genuine?

August 17, 2001
4:55 pm
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panda
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I also have another question in the case that anyone still reads my thread!

This guy preys on girls on the internet. that is how he met the other girl and I assume in the past how he's met other women. He lies about his age And Lied about his age to me up until i found his id. I wonder if i could press charges for him doing that? Because I thought he was 4 years younger then he actually was. Which IS a big deal when it turns out we are 9 years apart. He lied about his job.. His friends.. Everything. His friend threatened me as well When me and him were arguing saying he would Do what he had to do to back his friend up. (yes me being 5'5 is going to hurt me ex) And this guy just got out of jail from spousal abuse! He is up to no good. I think i should report them both

Would i have any luck in pressing charges? IS it worth it? I know he deserves it.

August 17, 2001
7:37 pm
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Amaree
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Panda I have followed your thread, it sounds to me you are in love with this man, but sometimes feelings can get in the road of the real truth. If you want me to problem solve: Close the door, move on and look and nurture yourself to get over it.

Talking to the other girls and talking to him enhances your hurt and makes you feel even more betrayed. You have done nothing wrong, realise that and keep your eyes open for men like that in the future. They are out there in droves so be weary.

August 19, 2001
12:15 am
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panda
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Thanks for replying..I know the best thing to do is move on. Everyone tells me that and frankly i'm getting sick of all this drama and whining myself. When i'm the one doing it! Last night i Met a really nice guy while out with friends.. And it felt so good. Then today I woke up and wondered why I have to talk to other guys when i though i'd found my soul mate.. and the hurt all came back. But really I am trying hard to just move on. I did love him..maybe still do but even though he wants me back.. i know once a cheater.. ALWAYS a cheater. And i am sticking to my grounds.

August 21, 2001
11:06 pm
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panda
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I don't know if there's anyone who still reads this thread. But for anyone who has replied.. I was wondering you cxould give me your opinion. Everyone else in my life just tells me to move on, get over him and Go on with my life and forgot he ever existed.

My problem is I can't. I still love him. Isn't that crazy? How can i posibly love someone who did all of this to me?

I let him come down to see me 3 times after finding out he cheated on me. I told him it was so i could have him say sorry to my face and not because I want him back. that is partly true.. but I also wanted him to see how much he had hurt me and see what he lost.

All i can ever say to him is WHY? Why did you cheat, Why did you Want to go your own way in the first place.. and even now.. why are you trying ot get me back after all this? Which he Is trying to do but not in an aggressive way. I have been calling him whenever I need to cry and He tells me he will make his life better and change, but that i have to forgive him.. and that I should not Keep calling if I can't forgive him.

I'm not sure if i can. Is it even possible? TO forgive someone for breaking your heart and betraying you in every way?? I'd like ot believe that there is good in everyone and everyone deserves a second chance. But i'm so scared if i ever gave him one it would do me more harm then good.. should o try and trust him again one day? OR leave him for good? Any advice would really be appreceiated!

August 23, 2001
5:13 pm
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panda
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August 23, 2001
5:35 pm
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Ladeska
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All I can say to you is - you've got inbuilt radar for a reason. It's going off and you'd better pay attention to it. Not sure you can get any better warning than what comes from your own head - since you're the one that's been present in all this and know yourself and him.

You are your best expert. I can see you wanting to drown this out and tune it out. I wouldn't if I were you, you may not get another warning before disaster strikes you again.

I think the real question here is - why do you feel such a compulsive need to believe a - compulsive liar?

Do you really think that you can mean so much to him that just by your very presence in his life "he will change, blah, blah, blah?" If you believe that, got some land in the swamp I'll sell you, too. That's a very old trick and it works with women who need to "earn" whatever love or it's counterfeit - that they get. If they don't earn it by going through much pain and torment - then they don't deserve it? Is that you? Well, by the looks of things it is. Actions speak here....

He's just going to hurt you again and again and he won't be as much to blame this time - as you will be. You know what's up, you're just afraid to look at it. Usually women in this circumstance don't want to look at it because then they believe - they weren't good enough for them, we didn't love them enough, we didn't look pretty or sexy enough, etc., etc.

Again....did we earn it? Most often this goes back to early childhood where a woman feels separated from her own father through whatever reason for distance. Still it happens and they go through life wondering what they did wrong and then transfer all that onto the man in their life. They are constantly trying to resolve the past - by role playing it out in the present.

That might be a real good reason why - you are sooo driven to keep doing this, even though in your head - you know it's nuts.

Your self-esteem doesn't need to come from this man.... And if you only feel worthwhile when he loves you and is in that mode - they you've got a very hard road in front of you. Is quite the power you just gave him - over you...

So, maybe you are having withdrawal pain from the poison you've been eating all the time. Sometimes - normal and balanced - doesn't feel too good. We get used to - becoming prey for someone - when in all reality - if you want it to stop...you can stop it.

All I've got to say to you at this point - is simply this - if you have questions like expressed above - I'd say the buzzer is going off quite loudly and the person you need to "not let down" here isn't him - it's you....because "you matter".

August 23, 2001
8:07 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey Panda, Ladeska is right on the money. It's awfully hard to do, but you do need to move on. Not necessarily to someone else (in fact, I would highly recommend against it), but just cut off contact.

How do you do it? One day at a time, dear. Make a promise to yourself one morning that you will not call him, email him, IM him, return calls, return emails, return IMs, etc. for 24 hours. Wake up the next morning and congratulate yourself on that accomplishment. Then see if you can do it again for another 24 hours. If you slip, so what, you can make the promise again the next morning. Give it a shot. You'll find that the longer you go without contact, the better you will feel.

August 24, 2001
3:45 am
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desalt
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Can you leave everything behind, go for long tour, get a oversea job, do anything so get away. I think you need a new and very far place to recover.
CHEERRSSS!!!

August 24, 2001
4:34 am
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panda
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I just have horrible judgement lately. Everytime i say It's the "last time" we talk. I call him again and ask Why?
This is the man i wanted to marry.. This is the man I felt ok with for the first time in my life. More of my post on here have been to myself..like a way of me letting this out in words i guess. Like how could a person you put so much faith into throw it all away?

Even up to this day.. when i talk to him, he has NO remorse. He feels what he did was all justified by some crazy reasons , which are different everytime.

I give him an inch.. he takes a mile. I let him back into my life after all of this.. and he has the nerve to say I have to move in with him again by december or we only can write letters. As if That is my priority. He still wants control over me.

Tonight i talked to him online and Told him i was hurting.. And he got tired and said he had to go to sleep. I told him i felt like just killing myself and i wish he'd stay online until I felt better but he just left. It hurt me to the point where i wanted to throw up. I considered this person my best friend and he leaves me when i really need him. This isn't the first time

I know the right thing to do. I just need the strength to do it.I guess what Ginger said is the best thing.
I mean the reason I am having a hard time doing that is because i know after 3 months go by i won't have the urge to call him, or be with him or kiss him

.. After 6 months I will look at him As NOTHING.. And after a year.. he will not exist. I know he doesn't deserve to. Which is why i still hang on... I love what I thought I had and what i thought he was.. and i'm scared to one day find out That It was all based on nothing or even worse lies. He betrayed me in every way, made me feel worthless and ugly.. all because of his own faults and mistakes. This is me Leaving him forever..

Wish me luck~ and thanks for listening to my random, long and repetitive babbling!

August 24, 2001
5:09 am
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panda
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Ladeska: I read your post again fter posting my last message. and just wanted to say WOW! You are pretty much right on with all you said. I had alot of issues with my dad where I always felt that when my younger sisters were younger he was the perefect father then decided to completely abandon the family once i was like 6 or 7 years old. He made out life hell. Then when he tried to make it up to us he did it in making my LITTLE sister who barely knew him his top priority. I still sort of despise him for not letting me know what having a dad was like.

so in a way I've always shied away from relationships with other men because I was afraid they would just find someone More outgoing, prettier etc. In this case it hurt because I decided to finally break down and trust someone. Even though he was contantly telling me i should see other people. This man who I let go of alot for. so It explains why It was so hard for me to let go. and so hard to realize he did find someone else.
I don't at all blame it on my dad. But you were right on with your assumptions so i thought i'd mention it. I hope to work on my self esteem so i don't find enother man to suck the life out of me. I want a man who will appreciate my life and who I am.

August 24, 2001
5:13 am
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panda
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oops i meant to say when my older sisters were YOUNGER he made them the priority. But you get the idea ;-p

August 24, 2001
11:34 am
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panda
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What i meant to say Is that I had 2 older sisters.. two in which he actually had a part in their lives when i wasn't even born.. Then He treated our family horrible and put us through alot of hell From the time i was born up until i was 11 or 12 when he left for good. He had no part on my life.. Then when he came back in contact he decided to make it up to my younger sister. Not me. I never really knew what having a dad was.

Anyhow "listen" I did think i deserved recognition.. Which is why I kept asking this person tell me why he did this .And kept reminding him he will never find another person like me. But I won't get this appreciation from him no matter how hard i try. he never cared why should he now? I think Knowing he won't find someone as loving, patient and forgiving as me is recogniton enough.. you agree? 🙂

August 24, 2001
11:37 am
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Ladeska
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Kind of interesting point "Listen" brought up...something I ask people alot....so....what is your "cookie" in all of this? What is your reward? People don't like this question because it lands the responsibility in their lap for setting up the dominoes, picking certain people in the first place and needing to get a certain kind of reward out of it.. It may be a painful reward, but nonetheless there is a "desired response" that's there.

Otherwise - we wouldn't do - what we do. At least half of the people that say they are a victim - aren't really. They are just ignorantly - doing what I'm describing here. A victim by their own hand maybe...Can it be on a subconscious level? Certainly and usually is. But, that subconscious layer is just under the surface and the minute we put some knowledge in the keyhole - guess what? We can unlock alot of patterns within ourselves. Knowing...."why" we do what we do - gives us an opportunity to set up another pattern for a more healthy life.

Usually "the cookie" is about us validating what we - believe as truth about ourselves - however wrong that foundational belief may be - we seek to enforce it - to make it true - even if we have to reinforce it on a daily level, minute by minute level. And lies - must be rigidly enforced constantly..

Problem is.....when we swallow something illicit - like Panda has swallowed here early on regarding her self esteem and worthiness to be loved by her father....that....becomes fact instantly. No. 1 - because it goes through no filter - we said it to ourselves, it was reinforced and fertilized initially with pain - so it becomes law. She obviously believed her father's abandonment and rejection had something or everything to do with her. He lavished his attentions on another daughter - so case closed.

This illicit belief, wrong belief - becomes the foundation from which she operates in her adult life....not realizing this is a child's concept of reality regarding herself. She still uses it and defends and guards it inside herself as - the way it is.

But, we have earthquakes that rumble inside us when we've swallowed something toxic. Lies are toxic. They want to come up and out of us. They poison our lives and we feel that inside us, we just don't know what it is or where it comes from. We just feel this compulsive need....to feed the lie. Why? Because it's a hungry little scavenger and must be fed what's alive because what it's made up of is very dead and anti-life. So, this foundational belief system - feeds on you....constantly...giving you this compulsive need to validate and enforce this belief system. Pushes you to keep role playing until you get it right and make this "kind of man" approve of you finally...then you can rest....then you can be sublimely happy and everything will come up poppies...

Not.

Doesn't happen that way. Your life just gets sucked down a black hole and implosion happens. Knowledge is power, Panda.. Know the mechanics of what is going on with you. Rip off the blinds on the windows, shine the light in dark corners and realize - you're not this little girl who needs to jump through any of these hoops anymore - for anyone.

It's time to hold your head up, to find gracefulness inside yourself as a woman, to not need a man - to be complete - but be willing to come alongside of a man when it is right - that you can compliment and someone that can likewise - compliment you. Kahlil Gibran said it best in The Prophet regarding marriage...drink the same wine, but not from the same cup, stand like pillars of the temple, side by side but not in each other's shadow.

Sorry this was so long...

August 24, 2001
3:13 pm
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panda
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um I guess i kind of avoided the question Of what I was getting from this and what was learning about myself because the answer is: Nothing but negative thoughts and feelings. I mean in the beggining he made me feel beautiful, wanted loved and Like the most important person in the world. But I learned he has a knack of making girls feel this way (I learned the hard way.. from another girl) So after this.. I felt ugly. he had gone on to this other girl about How he wasn't even attracted to me anymore. He just loved me and thought i was beautiful but kissing me was like kissing nothing. So yeah I felt ugly, betrayed, useless. But everytime He would come and see me and hug me for just a little bit I could block this out and feel good again. Only now I am realizing that My horrible feelings are overcoming me and If i keep letting him come in ana dout of my life It will be in contant turmoil of feeling worthy and worthless.

Yes I know.. noone should prove your worth. Which brings up what ladeska said. I think you are 90% right in what you said. That once i knew he cheated on me.. or actually once he started treating me horribly I should have Left and never turned back. So in a way I was getting exactly what i deserved by putting myself back into the situtation.

But.. I already acknowledge the fact that my dad has caused my mistrust in men. So knowing this I was really cautious in getting close to this person. It took me forever to trust him.. But he was really decieving in making me believe he was not at all like the men I had planned on avoiding. So is it really me who goes looking for someone who is going to hurt me? Or I just end up letting it go too far when It should stop the first time he makes me cry? Eh.. I think i know what the answer is.

I don't necessarily believe It's my fault for what my dad did to me. Since that is something you did mention.
But i do tend to blame myself for failed relationships.

And In this one i questioned wheather I should have just Never let him see me without looking 100% Made up and perfect, or maybe i should have never said certain things i never meant, Did certain things i didn't mean to do. Maybe i could have made him happier. As i stated before i thought it i attempted to kill myself he'd stop hurting me. Well he slept with that girl 2 days later. Which made me even more distraught in what i did wrong.

These are all crazy ideas! When i come to my senses i know that. but i don't understand otherwise.. why when i gave him unconditional love, he hurt me.

I honestly just wish i never met this person. knowing people out there like that, so heartless, no remorse, exist is really scary. But enough said. I guess i have alot of personal issues to deal with. Thank you all for taking time to break down your opinions for me .

August 24, 2001
4:09 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Panda, I just read through all of this, and know you don't want to hear this, but damn, your just a baby. This guy is a chicken hawk, just like the cartoon, your eyes are open, and the sirens are sounding off, warning, warning, danger, danger. Ditch this whole group. Evil is lurking. I can see how you hooked up with the other girl, but she doesn't have it together either. Listen to all that Ladeska, and Listen have suggested, and in addition, what about school?
Enroll now, get a job waiting tables, play the field, and learn who you are, how strong you are, and just what the heck you want out of life.
This guy is really bad news, and there are lots out there just like him, just what does a 27 year old man, want with an 18 year old, other than kicks, controll, and then toss her in the trash. Get away as fast as you can, don't talk to him, don't write him, just close it. Chapter of life over, learned lesson, got it, and gone.

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