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Depression is keeping me from living...
November 29, 1999
12:20 am
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ClimberJane
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I am a 21 year old who feels like she is 35. I have given myself an ulcer, and I think so much that I drive myself crazy. Sometimes I just cry and don't know why and can't stop even if I want to. I had a four year relationship with someone, who still to this day, I think was my sole mate (sp?). But, we were too young, and I was too stupid to know what I was doing at the time and I eventually broke up with him. This broke his heart, and he has told me on several occasions that he was very hurt by it. Which has bothered my since he was never a very sensitive guy. I have been in several bad relationships in the 2 years that we have been apart, but all I can think about is him. We have been together on a few occasions, but nothing has ever come of it. He has been seeing someone for the last year and a half, and she has recently been bugging him to buy her an engagement ring. Ever since he told me that, it has haunted me. For the last year or so, I always thought that I could get him back. But, he has made it clear to me that he is not willing to give up what he has with her, because he couldn't stand to be hurt by me again. I don't know how to convince him that he needs to give me another chance. She is not right for him, and I know it. He is my best friend and he knows me better than my own parents. I want to be with him so badly that I have even applied for jobs at the company that he works for, just so I can have a reason to see him everyday (his girlfriend won't even allow him to talk to me on the phone!). I recently went to the doctor and was prescribed Prozac. It helps, but not all the time. I hear songs, or just think about him doing things with her and all I can do is cry. I am so sad and feel so alone. I didn't even care when my last boyfriend broke up with me, all I could think about was "yeah, I have another chance to get him back". This is running my life and greatly interfering in my ability to have friends, socialize (I don't even look at guys anymore and am totally clueless to their come-ons), and even to work. Does anyone have any positive feedback for me? Do you think I should continue to pursue him? I just don't think I can ever forget him. I compare anyone I meet to him and they never match up. I feel whole when I am with him. He made me who I am today, but that person is no one without him. Please, HELP.

November 29, 1999
1:09 am
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J. C.
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Climber Jane, you don't need someone else to be happy...I mean, it isn't him that makes you happy, it's you. What else do you like to do? Do you only like to think of him and do things with him? Have you tried to do things just for you involving no one else? I think you may be codependent. It is very common with most of the posters on this board...including myself. My whole life revolves around my fiance. Every decision I make, every breath I take, it all depends on him...on his reaction... on his feelings. You can't do things to deliberately mess up his current relationship. If it isn't meant to be then it won't work out. His girlfriend is too jealous to let him talk to you, then she isn't trusting...not good for the relationship. Back off...if he wants to know why, then tell him that you don't want to be the subject of his fights with her. I don't think it is healthy for you to pursue him...or anyone really. I think what you should be looking for is some self satisfaction. Find something you enjoy doing for yourself...crafts, music, exercise, sports. I think it really helps a lot to write down what you're feeling. You need to get it out of your system at the same time you don't want to beat anyone up with it...if you know what I mean. I've scared off a few friends who were sick of listening to me cry and feel sorry for myself. They couldn't understand why I couldn't just pick up and do something about it. Now, the prozac isn't going to make you all the sudden like being apart from this man. It should just help give you a boast so you can make the changes in your life that you need to so that you can find what you will like. sorry for all the run-on sentences. I just get a little carried away. Anyways, you are still so very young and have so many options left...I think I said that same thing to someone else just the other day...but it's true. You need to open the door a little and peek inside. You might be surprised at what you could be missing out on. You don't have to have a partner in life to enjoy yourself. It's nice to have someone to share everything with, but you have to have something to share first. I'll be thinking of you...just hang in there, okay?

~JC

November 29, 1999
1:34 am
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ClimberJane
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J.C. ~

I know that I am codependent, I just didn't mention that. Probably should've, huh!! But with him it's not a codependency, it was like being with someone that I knew I was meant to be with. Probably like the way you feel about your fiance. I just can't deal with the fact that it might never happen. I have lived without him, but the only thing that got me through was the thought that someday we would be together. Now, he might marry her! Then it would be all over. Does any of this make sense? Probably not, I don't even think it makes sense to me. Well, thanks for your advise and kind words. I appreciate you taking time to help. And I would like to hear anything else you might have to say...

November 29, 1999
6:06 am
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eve
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Hi climberjane,
I was surprised to hear, that you dread feeling like 35. All I can say for myself I'm almost 35 by now, and I wouldnt change back to being 21 again, never! Just when I remember how confused I sometimes was from teenage up to the age of 25 and sometimes still, how frightened just by the enormous task in front of me of leading a life and find a way to do it and people to do it together with.
Perhaps it might help you if you spell your sole mate as soul mate. It's not only the right spelling, but it also changes the meaning completely: he's not the only one, but he is somebody who truly touched your soul. And this part of the relationship you will not loose. You surely will be able to find one or more other soul mates (they don't come by the dozen, so don't worry if it takes some time). But while you keep your eyes and your thinking fixed on your ex you don't give yourself the chance to look and find somebody else. Hang on and keep us posted - and good luck. Eve

November 29, 1999
9:27 am
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ClimberJane & All,

Remember, and this certainly is a tough one when we're codependent:

Our perspective and feelings about others is a part of Codependency.. Codependency "heightens" our feelings and perceptions of others. We get our sights on someone, they become a fix, they become something extraordinarily special.

It doesn't mean the person isn't truly special, touched our soul, meant the world to us, etc, but it does mean, that our perceptions of it all become skewed.

Did you ever watch a child trying to get candy from their parents? Begging, pleading, crying, screaming, feeling that if they don't get the candy they'll die? That's an anology of skewed emotions that I'm talking about.

- SC

November 29, 1999
11:37 am
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J. C.
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Climberjane, it does make sense. I can tell you are in pain and are very frustrated with these feelings you have for him. You don't need to forget him or your feelings for him. BUT for his sake and yours, you do need to find a distraction. You need to find something that you can enjoy for yourself. It doesn't have to be someone else. You can't count on another person for your own happiness...including him. You need take responsibility for your own happiness. I'm sorry...this is probably really hard for you to take in, but it's one of the hardest things for a codependent to learn to do...to do things for ourselves. I still have a lot of troubles getting myself to take care of me. I lose myself in the mist of taking care of his needs and the needs of my children. I look for things to do that would be fun for him and the kids. I look for fun in those things and them alone. I forget about me. I come on this board so that I can remember me...so I can think about what I'm feeling today...ABOUT ME, not them. It's hard taking out the time to be selfish when I'm so used to concentrating on everyone elses happiness...instead of mine. I left a message for Ava on another thread...I think it's called 'lonely, depressed, pathetic I know.' Go there and read. I think you two could learn a lot from each other. Take care now.

~JC

November 30, 1999
4:50 pm
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Ava
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Hi Climber Jane,
If you feel like it see my thread... New Depressed Lonely Pathetic I know. It's not the same story but the way I treat my boyfriend, whom I am codependent on, pushes him away and then I feel like you do. At least you know this person has touched your soul and made a great impact on you. That's something very special that I wish I could say I have with my boyfriend. However good things rarely last, and nothing really lasts forever. You've got to see the good in what you two had, and bring that spirit of love with you to spread through the rest of your life. You were the whole other person in that relationship so you do harness that love and power within yourself. You are part of what you loved about him! Too confusing? I tend to do that! Well what J.C. and eve have to say is right. It may not be very helpful at this moment but if you sort of aim towards these goals of self fulfillment little by little you might begin to see that they work. I am in a very similar boat as you (especially the age thing... Im 22 and feel 80!). I think myself crazy and nearly into suicide once. I'm going to see a counselor soon and am actually afraid to get on Prozac. Let me know how you do on that stuff! How does it make you feel? Good? Like a lump? Hiper? what? I think the distraction idea is good too, but I know that when you are lonely and have no friends except for that guy this can be so difficult. I have no friends other than my boyfriend so when I do activities for myself I end up being alone and hating it! This is gonna be tough but also very freeing. I'm going through it with you! So please, anytime you want to write me please do! We can support each other! I love to listen and helping each other might actually help ourselves. You can post to me here or on my thread and I'll check both ok? You do have support here so utilize it! Take small steps every day and soon you will be where you need to be! Have a good day! Ava

December 1, 1999
10:29 pm
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ClimberJane
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Dear Ava & JC -

Thank you so much for your help and concern. I have some news, but I just want to say something first. I have not been with this person for almost two years. I had two boyfriends in that time. One for 8 months and the other for 6. I rock climb and do lots of crafts. I believe that I do things for me, but I do understand what you are saying.

Okay, now my news. I have had communication on and off with this person in the two years that we have been apart. Unfortunately we have also been intimate on several occasions (yes, while he was with his girlfriend.). This has only made things worse for me. It got my hopes up and lead me to believe that he wanted to be with me in a relationship again. I was wrong though. I realized today that the only way for me to be healthy and happy is to discontinue all contact with him. I e-mailed him today and asked him not to call, come by, or e-mail me again. I know he is happy in his new relationship, but I cannot continue to be intimate with him, it is wrong. I feel a lot better now that I have told him good-bye. I am still sad, and will miss him a lot. But at least now I can move on.

I really appreciate all of your responses. It means a lot to me to know that there are people out there when you need them. I will definitely make this site a place that I come on a regular basis.

P.S. Ava, look for my Prozac review on your thread. I would like to read yours.

Climber Jane

December 2, 1999
10:48 am
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J. C.
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Oh wow, Climber Jane, I realized that the two of you hadn't been together for a while, but I didn't know that you two had occassional encounters to conflict with your situations. Mind games...that's all it does is mess with your emotions. It seems that sex to men is just sex. It's all physical, but for women it is so very emotional too. I think you did the right thing by breaking off all ties with him. Has he tried to contact you since, or do you believe he will respect your wishes? It's possible you may be still on the rollercoasters with a couple more twists and turns, so be very careful. It's good to know that you are ready to get off the ride and find something more stablizing in your life. Keep in touch...I'll be thinking of you.

~JC

December 2, 1999
5:33 pm
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Ava
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good for you! Wish I had your guts and self respect! Things will just keep getting better, watch! Write anytime, I'd be happy to hear how you're doing! Take care of yourself...Ava

December 3, 1999
12:19 am
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ClimberJane
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J.C. and Ava,

I'm glad that you agree with me, I was kind of worried that it was the wrong thing to do but now I am sure. I know that he will respect my wishes, because he is worried about getting caught by his soon to be fiance. He thinks that I am going to tell her, but I never would and I wouldn't even use that as a threat to him. But you are right, sex is only sex to him, but it hurt me even more.

Things will get better. They may not always have a silver lining, but life will go on and I need to make the best of it! I'll keep you guys posted on any upcoming turn of events...

ClimberJane : )

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