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Depression, Distant from reality, Sleeplessness, Emptiness
January 24, 2006
2:11 am
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skoopdoctaj
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I've been having problems coping with all of these emotions building up inside of me. I have sudden serious headaches that last anywhere from 2 seconds to 2 minutes, frequently throughout the day.

It feels like I'm not even here anymore, like my mind has just wandered away from me because reality just doesn't seem to mean anything to me anymore. I used to spend nights pleaing to God to help me with my problems. Even though good might happen every once in a while, it was ALWAYS because i did something about it myself.

I'm searching for the answer and it just seems like nobody has the time in this busy world. Whenever I go to ask anyone about my problems they either turn me away, tell me to forget about it (which makes it build up worse) or just begin ranting about their problems. I don't feel like I'm being selfish thinking this way because I've always done my best to be there for those who are in need.

Whenever I turn to help from my family...
-My uncle will just rant on the phone about how I don't know what's best for myself.
-My mom just screams at me about how her life is hard and mubmles, mocking me, whenever I say anything.
-My father is the closest to help I can find which isn't really saying much because once I get past the brick wall, he just tells me he'll talk about it with my mom.

It is so hard to sleep at night. In fact... many nights of the week I don't sleep. I just lie there and think about what I can do to fix these problems I have.

I also have to deal with a man that I dislike, my sister dislikes, and my mother (beneath her lies) dislikes. He does so much to break me it's not sane. He convinces my mom of things that are not true as a way to have indirect control over me. He loves to make things hard for me and my sister because he knows he can...

I used to think that music would help me overcome this... I like to compose/play/listen to classical music, compose/rap/listen to upbeat hip-hop. But it seems to just make me more depressed...

Someone PLEASE help me!

skoopdoctaj

January 24, 2006
5:14 am
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alycia
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Hey,

You are quite welcome to tell me your problems ... I will listen if you want to spill whats wrong and why you aren't happy

January 24, 2006
8:33 am
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Yes you can talk here and alot of times it helps. Have you told your mom you think you are depressed and would like to go to the Dr.? If you don't mind revealing your age..I am asking because I have a 16 & 13 year old.

I to myself have felt the depression and not being able to sleep at night because "everything" keeps running through my head.

Vent let it all out here, atleast here you are safe.

January 24, 2006
8:49 am
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173piper
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I have occassionally felt the way you do. We all have.

As everyone else said, we are here to listen.

January 24, 2006
7:46 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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I'm 16.

"Have you told your mom you think you are depressed and would like to go to the Dr.?"

Yeah, I have but she won't take me seriously because she believes that I don't need help and that I can pull through it by myself. I try...

It's hard for me to maintain good relationships with people... this is something to which I have no idea. Sure I have a couple close friends, but nearly everyone else I know I just say hi to every once in a while.

And the sleeplessness... It's probably been troubling me for about two years. The only way I seem to be able to sleep is if I take sleeping pills. It takes me about 3 hrs. to fall asleep. I really don't like taking sleeping pills because I want to solve the problem rather than supress it. Does anyone know what I can do to get a good night's rest? I feel very weak and tired in the day but somehow the night of I manage not to be able to sleep, sometimes resulting in a 72 hr period where I can't sleep.

It's amazing how your heart can be overburdened with troubles, while at the same time feel so empty.

January 24, 2006
7:54 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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The thing, though, that I can't stand about the guy ^^^"a man that I dislike" is that we never speak a word to each other. I'm glad I don't have to talk to him but it feels so strange that there's a guy living in my house that isn't there. The only time he ever says anything to me is if he is PO'ed and wants to yell at me for something.

January 24, 2006
8:43 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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But one thing that really concerns me is how violent the guy can get. There's been many incidents that I can speak on. Here are a few:

1. He got angry at me when I was probably 10 and constany pushed me as I tried to get to my mom. I climbed over gates he would push me and they would fall on me and he threw me into my mother's room.

2. He has driven my little brother and sister home intoxicated.

3. Last year he came down from sleeping about how I was being loud because I hurt myself... (yeah... i know...) and he was trying to bust down the door. He laughed and came back with a tool and took it down. He slammed the door on me twice and started yelling at me. I got out of his grasp and grabbed the phone which we fought over for nearly 10 minutes. I told him I wanted to talk to my mom and call 911 and he wouldn't let me have the phone. Finally I got it from him and I ran into the other bathroom and called my mom who promptly came home from work. He had already gotten all of his stuff packed up and he left as my mom screamed at him about how he marked me up. My mom told me he was never coming back for sure this time... I still don't know why I didn't call the police then and there.

4. Recently, I witnessed him picking my little brother and sister up by their necks and throwing them onto the couch just for yelling at each other.

All of these resulted in him moving out and eventually finding a way back in except for #1 and 4#. There have been many other incidents these are just a few major.

He has been to jail for assulting his wife (just down the block from my house). He has been clinically diagnosed Passive Aggressive.

My mom has told me before that she needs him because she couldn't survive financially without him. I refuse to take this as an excuse.

January 24, 2006
8:44 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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EDIT----3. Last year he came down from sleeping, yelling about...

January 24, 2006
10:19 pm
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I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. Please talk to a counselor at school. You don't deserve this and it's not your fault. You must be hurting really badly and be really scared for yourself and your whole family.

Have you talked to your mom alone and explained everything...just like you did here about the physical abuse with you and your siblings? Sometimes when our kids flat out say things it snaps us into reality.

I wish I could come over and scoop you up and protect all of you. It's not fair that you are going through this. You must talk to someone that can help you like a counselor.

This depression your in is obviuusly not caused by "teenage" hormones. You are feeling all these things because of your circumstances that your in. As a child I was in a very similar situation.

Do you have other family members that you can talk to like a Grandma or Uncle or anyone?

I also know that you can call the division of family services anonomoysly (soory mispelled that). I do realize its more than physical abuse, and sometimes the emotional abuse hurts even more.

I will pray for you. Please don't quit posting, don't give up on your current situation. Please talk to someone nearby that can help you get this guy away from you.

I am sorry you are going through this and I know nothing I can say will make it better, but I truly care..and none of this is your fault.

January 24, 2006
10:24 pm
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173piper
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I presume you are in high school, right.

You need to go talk to a guidance counselor, the school nurse or the school psychologist and tell them you need to talk about your feelings.

These people will help you if you reach out to them, but they can't read your mind or know what is going on at home. Please reach out to them and take care of yourself.

January 24, 2006
11:38 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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Thanks a lot guys. I always did plan to go see a guidance counselor but it just never seemed to happen. I'm going to be sure I follow through with it this time.

I really don't think talking to my family is something I can do. My family kind of fell apart ever since we lost my grandma. I guess she kinda held the family together. I really don't think I can talk to any of my family about it because everyone's so torn apart from each other between lies and deception. The last time I've seen the whole family together was when my grandma died, and that had to be about five years ago.

January 25, 2006
12:53 pm
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ROMPA
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IM HERE TO LISTEN FEEL FREE TO CHAT

January 25, 2006
1:09 pm
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jacy
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I am just at the end of the road and I need to talk.
Jason

January 25, 2006
4:28 pm
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It's hard when you can't talk to your family. Sometimes we just think we can't. Have you had a heart to heart with your mom?

The reason I asked is that when I was married to someone that was similar, my step son woke me up one day. He asked why we always fought, and I said oh well the last time you were over this happened. And then he said what about the time when my dad cut his hand because he hit the picture. what about the time "this" and "that". And I was in such huge denial I had forgotten, or put all these "things" out of my mind. It just floored me that this little kid had all these questions and memories and he was only over every other weekend. It really woke me up to what was happening.

I hope you do talk to someone at school as soon as possible. And I am here to listen.

January 25, 2006
4:38 pm
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lewis
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It's amazing how your heart can be overburdened with troubles, while at the same time feel so empty.
skoopdoctaj - I have copied what you said because u have said it so well. I hope that there is some answer or a person that can help u in your life, its seems really difficult to know what to say, only I'm listening.

Take care ((hugs))

January 25, 2006
6:27 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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It's hard for me to talk to my mother about this. Every time I've ever tried to talk to her about something important or even something very minor. She'd either send me off with "Not now" "I'm busy" "I have to much to do" or yell at me about things completely unrelated.
I can honestly say that there was only one time when she ever listened to something like this. It was a month or two after the incident with the pushing over the gates occured. I was very young at the time. It's funny because I can remember a time, long ago, that I wanted to call him "dad." But once he moved in, things started getting bad. He would take things, break things (such as my basketball net which he knocked over onto me) and "fix" things (drilling a bolt through a gate so no one could open it) without asking because he felt like it. My mom would yell at him but never told him to buy me a new basketball net, undo the gate and such. I talked to her about how he made things so hard and miserable for me and my sister. She took it as a challenge and tried countering me with bad things I've done to sidetrack me away from the fact that we're living with an evil man. Nowadays, of course, it's easier to defend myself from him so he doesn't try to hurt me as much.

Ever since this my mom hasn't ever "had the time" to talk to me about it. Is it that I approach her with this in the wrong way?

January 25, 2006
7:51 pm
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It's probably that she is in denial of it all. Someone told me once that if you acknowledge the truth, then you have to do something about it. So alot of times people reject the truth or avoid it.

I can't tell you if your going about it the right way or if she is just unavailable. You can try to catch her at a time that she isn't trying to do a bunch of stuff. Or maybe try asking her if just the two of you could go for a walk or a drive that you really need to talk.

You said that she thinks she needs him financially. One thing my kids said to me that really got me about that was: my daughter said I don't care if we have to live in a two bedroom apt and share bedrooms, I don't care if we don't have a phone or the internet or dance class mom. That's not what matters. She meant it to. She was smarter than me, meaning that money isn't what will make the kids really happy. A lot of times we think we are doing things for our kids and really it's not helping its hurting.

Maybe a wake up call from the police or whatever it takes. I am just afraid for you kids, when you describe him picking up your brothers and sisters by the neck and throwing them. You are old enough to know what those sort of things can result in. I know you must be scared. It's not fair that you are in this situation..butdon't give up. Keep trying to do whatever you have to do to keep your self safe.

Hugs to you. YOu seem like a very wise person beyond your age. I am sure that one day this will probably all be a memory.

January 25, 2006
10:55 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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Thanks a lot, I'll try to talk to my mom again. I still really don't know that it's going to be any different this time but I'll try. I'll probably wait until she gets back from vacation this weekend so she'll be somewhat relaxed.

I felt a burden lifted off of my shoulders today for some reason. This is probably the best day I've had in a long time. Mainly because we had a speaker come in for my English class. She talked about all of her dangers and travels. (She has been to EVERY country but North Korea and some other really wierd named one) She risked her life bringing aid to people. She talked about how she was abused as a child and how she wouldn't have made it through this all if it weren't for her strong belief in God. I guess if you are really determined and persistent, truly believing that you can accomplish; many of your dreams start becoming reality.

January 25, 2006
10:59 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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It really surprised me though because it's unlawful to teach religion in public schools. I hate it so much when people use religion as a double- edged blade.

January 25, 2006
11:02 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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People make too much fuss about religion. This is why I don't like to call myself "Christian" or "Muslim" or anything like that because it's made so negative. I just like to say that I believe in God, my creator.

I'm not trying to "preach" or anything, I just wanted to get that off of my mind.

January 26, 2006
1:02 am
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skoop

Hey sweetie. I am sorry you feel so hopeless and weak. At 16 you should be happy and looking forward to the future not depressed and put aside.

Sometimes it takes a stern word to us parents to listen to our children. My daughter who is now 20 tried to talk to me when she was younger than you and I was always too busy like your mom is. One day she just yelled at me everything that was bothering her and I was in such shock that the guilt of ignoring her was too much to bear. It took awhile to forgive myself nut I learned to listen to her no matter what she had to say. I wish the same for you sweetie just don't give up. There is someone out there to talk to I promise you.

Tink

January 26, 2006
8:29 am
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Hey I to find it interesting when you hear other peoples stories and they over come them with such greatness. That's why I love Oprah. I think it would be so great to change my life in such a huge way and help other people. Make a difference in this world. When I hear these stories it lifts up my heart.

It's also strange that these "things" that occur that are bad do have some sort of power to change us in alot of ways. For the positive to. For example if I hadn't have went through all the crap I did as a kid, I obviously would be different than I am now. I believe that I am a great mother because of it all. I also believe I am a great auntie to my nieces. I try to give all the kids the things I wish I had. I be their for them emotionally and physically. I think it has made my heart 100 times bigger.

I get very angry when I hear children are abused or mistreated and wish I could save the world, but I know I can't.

Yet maybe I can save a few. Sorry I probably lost focus their.

You have amazing power beyond what you even know. Even if your mom doesn't listen,keep trying or keep trying alternate routes. You aren't alone their are many people that can relate. I hope today is a good day for you.

January 26, 2006
5:24 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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Hmm, I guess "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" really means something then. My older sister talks like this a lot, how she is learning from this so she knows how not to treat her children. She is studying to become a psychiatrist so I go to her every once in a while. But I guess it's kind of different if you've known your psychiatrist all of your life.

tinkrbell, I know that you listened to her being assertive, but was it because she's an adult now? Or was it because it just hit you like THAT, there and then? Do you think I can be respected in the same regard even though I'm not an adult yet?

January 26, 2006
11:17 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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ooo woops, I misread the comment... so she WASN'T 20 when she did it. Was there any particular reason, though, that you decided to hear her out?

January 27, 2006
1:26 am
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Today (woops I guess it's technically yesterday) was a good day, I accomplished everything I planned to and don't regret a thing about it. It feels nice to say that 🙂

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