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depression, anger, all kinds of issues
August 12, 2001
12:59 pm
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Katherine
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I don't really know where to begin. I guess with a little background and stuff. Please excuse the rambling, I have a difficult time putting my thoughts in order sometimes and I don't really know what I should say so anyone can understand. Let me just say that any help that anyone can give me would be wonderful. Thank you in advance.
Let's see, I am 24 and married (only 4 months ago) and I am noticing some things about myself that I find rather disturbing. I know that marriage is a major adjustment, and my husband recently started a new job, so things are a little rough for both of us. But that really isn't the issue here. I know that I am depressed, I have been on and off for something like 10 years, at least. I noticed problems when I was in something like 4th grade. I never realized that my family was not right until college and therapy. Let me try to explain that. My brother was the one I had the most problems with. He's not that much older than me, only about 18 months and that is where a lot of the denial came in. He used to hit me, or "beat me up" roughly everyday for years. That could be anything from punching me repeatedly for entering a room, or stepping on my stomach and knocking the wind out of me just to see what would happen. I think he got bored with that, though, and he moved on to molesting me. I was 11, I think, and I had a hard time realizing that it was not me, that it was him. It wsa especially difficult becuase we were so close in age. Anyway, that went on for I don't know how long until I mentioned something in passing to my mom. She was furious, of course, and hit him for it. She used to hit him quite a bit when he made her angry, but only really got after me once. Anyway, I decided when I was 16 that I needed to see someone. I was cutting myself and having suicidal thoughts. My mom took me to someone through her work program. I told the counslor about the molestation and she told my mom since both of us were still minors (my brother and myself) that she would have to report it. To keep that from happening, my mom simply never took me again. I started up therapy again in college and was eventually admitted to the hospital briefly until my parents came and got me out (it was like 2 or 3 days). I quit school and moved home to recover, diagnosed with a major depressive episonde, atypical (becuase I slept like 12 hours a day, or something). Anyway, I was put on prozac and healed pretty well, until I went back to school, a different university, and started smoking pot again. Once again, not the problem, as I quit that 2 years ago totally on my own and know I won't go back. Anyway, I went back into therapy and delt with a lot of things, but they seem to pop back up. Like I was able to forgive my parents for not allowing me to go to therapy, but I still greatly dislike my brother (I could never see him again and it wouldn't phase me in the least). The depression is still there, but it's not major. I mean, I still have suicidal thoughts but know I wouldn't act on them (just don't have the courage to go through with it). But I find myself being sad for no apparent reason. My husband thinks it's his fault and I try to tell him that it isn't. Every relationship has ups and downs; just because he didn't empty the dishwasher doensn't mean that he's the cause of this. But what is really bothering me is anger. I guess I've almost learned to live with depression (I'm off prozac and not in therapy) but I have found myself getting really mad a couple of times recently over little things. We don't have any children, just pets, both who like to chew anything they can get their teeth into. I became so mad over them chewing a jewelry box and for going after my teddy bear (both seperate incidents). I know I had problems with anger before, I used to hit one of my good friends when in high school and didn't see anything wrong with it until he said something. At that point, I was able to control it and not do anything like that again. I guess it was habit, learning from what was done to me by my brother. And I don't get mad very often. I guess I just hold it in and don't show it. I show irritation fine, but not anger. For example, I won't talk to my husband about anything that is bothering me because I don't want to fight, so I just try my best to deal with it.
I know I have problems with self - esteem, especially since I gained some weight in the past few years - from a size 3 or 5 to a size 12, that's really hard for me. And motivation to do anything about it is a problem that I think I'll have licked here shortly. So, I'm depressed and am flying off the handle at little things. Please, if anyone can give any sort of advice, please do. I just need to try to figure out what is happening to me, how to deal, what to do. Let me say now that therapy and prozac, or any antidepressant, really is not an option. My husband is quite against that sort of thing and I don't know how I can convince him otherwise. I even tried St. John's Wart at one point (no Rx necessary!) and it didn't even begin to make a dent. I don't know what else to say. If you need more info to try to help, let me know. I'll be more than willing to fill you in if it will help. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for any advice you might have to give.
Kate

August 12, 2001
4:29 pm
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gypsygirl
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Kate, I can soo relate to you. I have been dealing with some of the same stuff that you have been. I have a hole period of my life that I dont remember, and the parts I do remember I have not even begun to talk about in therapy. when I went to therapy last year, it was my third attempt, I was living with my then fiance and he was against that sort of thing also, so I went without telling him. It was either go to therapy or toatally loose all control of myself. Eventually I told him and he acepted it. He thought it was all his fault, partially it was. I needed to do it for myself. I was sleeping all night and most of the day. I was yealling at my brothers boss because of discrimination, my brother is parnoid schizophrenic, I was isolated from everything and everyone. I would sit in the bathroom at night and stare at a bottle of pain killers trying to convince myself that I had a reason to live. The only reason I never took those pills is my little boy. Any way enough about me. All I can say is go to therapy, even if it is behind your husbands back. It will only get worse if you dont go. Therapy teaches you how to deal with lifes problems. If you can, distance yourself from your family. Dont feel obligated to speak with them just because they are family. It sounds like they are doing you more harm than good right now. keep posting here, here you will never be alone. And as for meds, if you cant afford them ask your Dr. for samples. That is how I got my meds. My sons Dr. gave them to me. I am forever grateful to that man He has done so much for me and my son.

August 12, 2001
5:49 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hi Kate,

It's amazing that you went through so much and have come through as an articulate and loving adult. You have proven yourself so strong by making it this far.

You know you are in pain, and you want to get help. You want to start taking care of yourself. That's wonderful, you've taken the first and hardest step.

I can definitely understand what you are going through regarding your husband not being supportive of therapy because he "doesn't believe in it". My parents are the same way, and my ex-husband also was that way. They found it to be extremely threatening that I would want to get that sort of help, threatening because I might uncover that it was their actions that had made me "crazy", or that perhaps they didn't want to face any possibility that there was something wrong with them... whatever the reason, things got so bad for me that I just threw up my hands, told them all to just get over it, and checked myself into a program. The family stood by me, the husband didn't, but oh well. I never took any meds, since the counselor I started seeing thought that other "talk" and "action" therapy would be more beneficial for me rather than trying meds. It's been pretty successful so far.

It's a huge step though, very scary to rebell like that, even if it is for your own health. If going to a therapist is too big... hmmm... I can't see that your family or your husband would have any issue with you wanting to take better care of your body. Why not see a doctor to get a general checkup and have him work with you to put together a diet and exercise plan? You might find that just doing something like that in one area of your life will help put other things into perspective too. Setting a goal and reaching it will do WONDERS for your self esteem.

And, if you can't go to "official" therapy, you can always come here and post your thoughts. There are people on this site who are licensed, and lots more who aren't that have big hearts and will listen to you.

August 12, 2001
9:41 pm
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Katherine
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Thank you so much for replying so soon. I really needed something today. As for my parents, it still hurts when I think about it, but I really don't, so we are doing well. My folks have been real supportive, I know that I can call them with any little crisis that comes about. See, my mom is suffering from depression as well, this is her second time going into therapy for it, her second time going on meds. I did distance myself from them for quite a while (for a year or two while in college, I didn't go home for Christmas or to a family wedding because I couldn't bear to see them. I really think I have gotten past that now, that I have been able to forgive, if not forget and still feel the hurt. But I have to ask myself, what would I have done in the situation? I really don't know so I don't feel right in judging them for their actions. I don't even know if my dad knew at that point. I know my mom waited at least 2 years after I told her before she told him.) Anyway, like I said, they are supportive, and my dad is actually helping me to get in shape. From 1000 miles away, too. He reminded me that I used to like to walk, so he's sending me some walking shoes and a walkman to get me motivated. I live out in the country, so there's lots of room to walk.
I've thought about going into therapy again, and my husband is a problem there, but not the only one. Money is a big issue since neither of us makes very much even though we both work full time. He actually works a part time job as well once a month for a few days. I know I need to get a part time job, but finding one down here is next to impossible ( I know, I tried). That, of course, just leads to more discouragement.
I do want to say that your replies and support really mean a lot to me. Thank you so much. It really is nice to vent and know that some people out there aren't rolling their eyes and just waiting for you to shut up. Thank you.
Kate

August 13, 2001
9:09 am
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janes
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WEll...there is therapy here.....of a sort.

You could do some reading too.

At this point if you and hubby are making it don't worry about a second job...

good luck

August 17, 2001
7:07 pm
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jadadavinci
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Hi Katherine,

My name is Dee. I just read your post and was touched that you are as strong as you are for making it this long, and still you are sane. I dealt with the very same thing with my brither and sister. They both beat me up. My dad beat us all up. My brother beat me and my sister up. And my sister beat me up. I was also on Prozac and in therapy. I lived at home forever trying to find myself. I developed social anxiety, OCD, GAD, an eating disorder, and agoraphobia. Although I am almost completely over the agoraphobia, I still have a time with the other disorders. I would love to hear more about and from you. I will keep checking these posts If you'd like to email me personally, the email is [email protected], @yahoo, @hotmail, or @msn; whichever is convenient for you. Thanks. Hope you have a good day.

Dee

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