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Depression and Suicide
September 22, 2000
9:40 pm
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Cutie14
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Hello, It's me again. Yeah, so it is September and that means school again. Well the first few days I was outgoing and made a lot of new friends and was really happy...but then...I started to feel depressed again. I don't know what to do anymore. Today I got called into the counselor becuase my boyfriend and one of my friends went to the counselor and told her about me. I was ok with that...I mean I was glad that someone cared. I was called into the councler 5th hour and I talked with her for an hour, anyway, it was only a momentary "ok-ness" When I got to my 6th hour I was depressed again. I guess that I am going to go to some sort of doctor again, or something but like that will help. I wrote 2 poems throughout the past 2 days and I showed my first poem to my boyfriend and some of my friends. Well in it I talked about how on the outside I am smiling and happy, but on the inside I am depressed and there is a voice that used to be whispering but now is yelling suicide. I don't actually hear that voice, I mean i am not crazyy or something, but I just know that there is something inside of me that wants to come out and be heard. That probably sounds really weird. I just feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster all the time and I can never get off it. I am so sick of this I just want to end the pain, the only thing I can think of to end that pain is to end my life...

Cutie14

September 23, 2000
9:47 pm
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no.. ending ur life isnt the right way to end the pain. i feel like that at times myself too, but i do know that its not the way. just hang on i guess ... hang on.

September 24, 2000
12:40 pm
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Molly
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Cutie14, this is not cute at all, you are asking for help, and I think with our writing I have heard this all along. Please go to your parents or guardians, talk real to your school counselor, your friend did the right thing going to the counselor, and must care deeply for you. Please get the help you need and deserve. Molly

September 24, 2000
12:58 pm
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Cutie14
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Molly, I am getting help from my councler at school and I am going to see a doctor about the chance of me actually haveing depression so that I would need meds to cure it or something. I am talking to my mom about it. Also the 2 friends that talked to the councler are starting a suicide support group in our school. I really hope that helps me and other students. Thank you for caring
Cutie14

September 24, 2000
2:58 pm
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christina
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Cutie,
We seem to have a few things in common. I write poems that are very thought provoking and extremly suicidal. I'm not really sure what there is inside of me that makes me think this way. But i would really like it if we could talk more. [email protected] please write me, perhaps we could help eachother.
Love ya,
christi
stay strong, and don't do something that you won't live to regret but others can do it for you....

September 24, 2000
8:07 pm
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Molly
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Say Cutie, Mean old mom type that I am, if there is anything that you want to vent, or ask, or think that you could open up with here and share I think that it would be a good thing for you to try and I'm here for ya. There are many people on these threads here that would have something to say too, and maybe 12 heads are better than one. I think that if you do go to a counselor that you should also share the other advice that you get, like here. Do you like have a clue as to what the problem is, like what hurts???? This is completely up to you , but no one knows who you are or where you are, and you have the freedom to be completely open and honost, get it?

September 24, 2000
8:40 pm
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Cutie14
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Molly, yeah I get what you are saying. But first I would like to apoligize for what I said a while ago about the advice you gave me. It really did help me and I guess it was just hard for me to hear the truth.

Well one of the reasons why i think i am like this is becuase I don't feel needed or apreciated anymore. I feel like lets say I was gone tomorrow, that no one would even care. Do you kinda get what I mean? Hopefully you do. Maybe I need to communicate my feelings with others more often before it gets this far. Do you have Instant Messaging? If anyone out there does, IM me sometime...SHORT N SWEET NA...I would love to talk with you all. Hopefully talk to you soon:)
Cutie14

September 25, 2000
4:38 pm
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Cutie14
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I am feeling down again. Today I was just fine until one of my "friends" talked to me and told me that she talked to my boyfriend's friend and that he said that my boyfriend was going to break up with me cuase my b/f thinks that I like his freidn more than I like him!!!!! But actually I don't like his friend at all!!! It is really weird though becuase yesterday I talked to my b/f and he said that he was going to dump me last week, but not anymore. So maybe his friend is a little slow or something like he talked to him last week. I don't know. But it really bugs me because my "friend" also got called down to the counceler today and the counceler talked to her about her being in the middle of me and my boyfriend...I wonder who had her go down there??? Seriously, I mean it wasn't me! Maybe it was my boyfriend..anyway, i am so sick of this!!!!!!

Cutie14

September 25, 2000
5:56 pm
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Molly
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Cutie my dear, this is the stuff I was talking about before, see if you don't put so much value in being valued by some one else, you don't get all this painfull stuff . I never took offense to what you said, common, I are grown up, most of the time. Laugh a little, most of us feel that it wouldn't make a difference if we were here or not, at one point in time, or another. We all need to feel special and important, it is just part of being human, and the bad part, is there is more time that we don't feel important, than when we do. It is up to us, to discover our gifts, and to use them, depending upon our circumstances, some of us have more opportunity, or learn them sooner than others. If you were to get with an organization that say, delivers flowers to those who don't get them, or go to the hospital, and get the training to be a candy striper, or say go to the old folks home, and visit some grandma, or grandpa that get no visitors, you would learn very quickly how important you are. Offer to walk your neighbors dog, take up growing flowers, and learn all you can about them, there is so much for you to see and do, so like blow this guy off, he doesn't sound worthy of your time, and you allready know how I feel about you dating right now any how. What is up with mom and dad, are they aware that you are so unhappy? Have you given them the chance I mean really given them the chance to help you? Since you are in such emotional turmoil, this is the perfect time to express your feelings through art, pick a medium, paint how dark you feel and paint the sunshine that you want, make poetry, make it rhyme, there is lots to do, and many ways to find your value. So common, share some more, ok, do you need me to dare you??????

September 25, 2000
8:18 pm
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Cutie14
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Molly,
The guy I am with right now that I have been with for the past 6 months is really worth it. Believe me! We can talk about anything, really we can and he is really understanding. And I have been writing poetry and I am thinking about painting again like i used to. Yes my parents do know, my counceler called them...They are getting me help...I am going to go to a psycologist or something sometime soon. Thanx for the advice:)
Cutie14

September 26, 2000
11:43 am
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Cici
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Hey Cutie, I felt A LOT like you're describing when I was in high school.

My Mom gave me a book to read and it completely changed my life and my outlook:

Man's Search for Meaning (by Viktor Frankel)

It's a short book, but very interesting and powerful. It's about his own experience with being in a Jewish internment camp and losing his wife. Please read it. It helped me more than I can describe.

Also, I have to interject about the meds for depression. Of course, if it's necessary definatley go for it. I read an articel in Health about depression and bipolar mood disorder bout fish oil capsules (I know, weird, right?). Apparently no one in the US gets enough omega-3 fatty acids and this can affect your mental state and cause depression or mood swings and irritbaility.

I bought some and am trying it because I know at the very least, it will prevent heart attacks and stroke, and hopefully it will help with my mood swings. I mean, it can't hurt, so why not try it? Go to a local health food store. Also make sure to get enough B vitamins, a deficiency can cause mood swings and anxiety as well.

I've been on Wellbutrin, Buspar, xanax, valium and clozepam and none of them helped. When I modified my diet, I began feeling much better.

September 26, 2000
7:15 pm
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Cutie14
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Hello CiCi:) Thanks for the advice and book recomendation. I will try to get to my local library and check out that book asap! My uncle also recomended a book I should read talking about dating...it is called I kissed Dating Goodbye...he said that it is pretty good and that it would help me with my "boy troubles" so I guess I better get reading. About the medicine I may have to take, I sure hope that the first medicine I try will work becuase I want to stop being depressed. I'd better go..Thanx again:)
Cutie14

September 26, 2000
9:26 pm
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Molly
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Try yoga, study, and practice, and you know me, ditch the boy. At this age, and in your future, with love in my heart for you , no man, or boy, is worth suicidal thoughts. XXOO

September 27, 2000
7:02 pm
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Cutie14
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Molly, and everyone else just to update you on everything...I am no longer having sucidal thoughts over guys(my boyfriend) any longer. Now we talk about everything and help each other with our problems and I really value our relaionship:) Um...I am dedicating a lot of my time to helping others that are having a hard time like I am. I am helping them while they are helping me! I feel really good about this and now I am only depressed once in a while, but I am still going to get professional help just so this doesn't happen again. So all in all I am doing pretty good cause I feel needed and everything now so I am feeling great. Talk to you all later:)

Cutie14

September 27, 2000
7:27 pm
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Cutie,
It does feel good to help others who are having a hard time also. And I am sure you have alot of advise to offer them because you have felt exactly like they do. And you will also learn from them, so keep doing what you can. Remember that you are still dealing with your roller coaster emotions at your age. Don't get burn out. Take care of yourself.

Jaskid

September 27, 2000
8:16 pm
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Molly
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Good to hear positive thoughts, came right home and looked for ya, and got to admit worried a bit. Keep us posted on your progress, just call it the cutie update, love to ya.

September 28, 2000
7:16 pm
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Cutie14
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Molly,
What do you mean you came right home and looked for me and you were a bit worried??? Just curious about what you ment...Thanx
Cutie14

September 28, 2000
9:06 pm
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christina
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i'm sure she was just wondering if you'd done anything that might cause any grief...like 'killing yourself' perhaps. you know you'd really upset a lot of people if that were to happen so please don't. there are a lot of people here that really care about you more than you can imagine so please just stay strong and deal with one problem at a time...everything will be ok i promise

September 29, 2000
4:32 pm
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Cutie14
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Ok, thank you:)

September 29, 2000
5:39 pm
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Molly
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That was it in a nut shell, we are all connected. More than Clintons, I feel your pain, it is true pain, when one of us cries for help, and you feel so helpless, and have no concept of the depth of the crisis, death is like real permanent, no way of reaching out, and just must let go and let God, see even when we think we are all alone, there are or is some one who cares. focus on pink thoughts, one day at a time, be present in the moment, and be greatful for the little things.

October 1, 2000
9:26 pm
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Cutie14
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hi, its me again. Ya, so I was happy for like a week pretty much, now I am back to the suicide and depression stuff. I am getting so sick of these rollercoaster emotions. Now my parents are saying that I spend to much time on line and that I don't keep up with chores or school work and my grades are gonna slide! Ya right! I cleaned the whole house top to bottom 2 days ago, I have all A's in all of my classes, I study a lot, read as much as possible, and I don't do drugs, get in trouble at school, or anything like that at all, so what is their problem??? I am so fed up with this stuff. I have lived up to their standards forever and I still am, but they keep saying that I don't do anything but be on line or on the phone with friends, which isn't true! I am on line quite a bit, but that is cause I am helping some people that are going through similar things, and I am also talking to my friends and stuff like that! I just don't know what to do anymore, I am so close to cutting myself.........and who knows what else. Thanx for listening.

Cutie14

October 2, 2000
6:39 pm
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Molly
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Cutie, what is really going on, do you not feel important at home, what is up with mom and dad, how many sisters, or brothers, how many step parents, what is up????????????

October 2, 2000
7:11 pm
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Cutie14
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no step parents or siblings at all, only child. i don't really feel like I can talk to my parents anymore...

October 2, 2000
8:32 pm
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Molly
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Are you spoiled, are they to busy for you, like fess up ????

October 2, 2000
9:31 pm
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Cutie14
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yeah all of the above! I am spoiled and they are always too busy for me!

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