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Depression and Divorce
April 14, 2000
3:09 am
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dunc
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My spouse left me after 27 years, just because he is unhappy. Packed up and moved while I was at work. Won't talk about counseling for help. He can work it out himself he says. I developed major depression and am seeing a psychiatrist and nurse practitioner. Required hospitalization last weekend. He moved just across the street and I see him come and go all time, works next door. Don't want to leave my home. Thought I had worked a lot of things out, til this week, he had to have hand surgery and wanted the divorce papers signed and final before surgery. Also, discovered enlarged nodes to be followed. Brother had lymphoma, he may have it too.
Im a nurse, took care of him totally 27 years and now I am left alone, 20 year old at college. I now think of never lying by him and missing his smell his touch. Im so sad! Only seeing therapist every 2 weeks, feel like need more. Any suggestions what to do next?

April 14, 2000
4:12 pm
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janes
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Go to the therapist more often.

Is paying for the 20year old in college? should be.

This is gonna be tough for you...no one to take care of now... keep up the therapy and find your self and then you can find someone who will appreciate you and worship you for the next 27 years.

April 16, 2000
6:42 am
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dunc
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Thanks. Yes finally is helping pay 1/2 of all daughters expenses at college and says he wants to continue. Signing papers Monday, 60 days past separation, will hash out the property settlement over the next 6months. Complicated by 3 inheritences of mine, but he has promised his brother,who told me, he will not force us to sell our home. I just wish he would go on and move from across the street and tell me who he's staying with. I feel I need to know so I won't be friendly to them. In this small town, you never know. It could be someone I know and talk to every day and I sure don't want to be nice. See the therapist Monday and plan on increasing visits. If she won't I will go somewhere else. Friends visits and work and coworkers are my lifelines right now until the semester ends and my gal comes home to work the summer.
THANKS.

April 16, 2000
9:00 am
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janes
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Why should you be unfriendly to those people. That's like trying to get back at him through other people and that is not good for you.

HE IS A RAT!!! A LOW DOWN RAT. That doesn't mean all the people he knows are rats.

After 27 years lots of things will keep him near you? But talk to your daughter and explain about his staying across the road.

You all need to start new lives now. Why NOT sell the house and get a small apartment or condo or a much smaller house. Soon your daughter will be on her own and you will need a smaller palce anyway.

The pain will be a long time going away and will never truly vanish. "He done yo wrong" But maybe this is also a big favor. If he was that unhappy and that out of touch with you and could leave you with so much pain in an eyeblink...would you want all your retirement years with HIM? I think not!! Grieve not only for the loss of this marriage but also for the relationship that cooled to the point of his leaving.

If he finds another woman...the same will be true with her...no TRUE involvement with her.

But you need to value you. You sound like you cansupport yourself. Your daughter sounds close to suporting herself. Now you can grab the rest of your life and make it the best you can without someone holding you bvack. You can take care of your self, travel, do the things you wanted to do but couldn't because he didn't like to do those things. LIfe may not be ending. Life is just beginning for you.

Keep your inheritances and give him the house...you don't need the memories.

Yes sees the therapist more. Good idea!!

Be strong!! You alone are worth it!!

April 18, 2000
4:36 am
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dunc
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Thanks janes. Being a nurse,I am and have been a caregiver for years and years. Now it's hard to be the receiver, but I know I need to. My best friend says, "hurry and get back in the big chair, you are the one I need to talk to". I don't like the "little chair" but have decided its OK for me to be taken care of a while.
My MD is ok but co-worker had a different one and had intense 2 week hospital stay with group and 1 on 1 therapy. I plan to check it out. I raised an independent young woman who spent the weekend with me. Likes to stay at college, SO BUSY near end of semester. Miss her but email and phone works. About moving on, have 23 years with this hospital and are in a rural area. Also, school board chairman committment for 3 more years. I feel leaving now would not work for me, but 3 years down the road, hit the traveling nurse circuit, 3 mos in Hilton Head, 3 mos in Florida, 3 months in Texas, 3 months who knows where? Daughter will be ready to graduate and do who knows what.
I am ready to admit, things are improving, but until sign papers, probably tomorrow, and property settlement finished, maybe 6 months, I still have a ways to go. Talking verbally and email helps loads. THANKS.

April 18, 2000
7:06 am
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janes
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Good for you!!!! But even in rural areas there are different places to live (I live in one too)

Good for you for letting yourself be taken care of...it is so hard for us caregivers (teachers, nurses..) Hard to separate the jobs from codependent behavior.

You have options...aren't we lucky when we do!!!
Take care tlak to you later

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