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depressed: why am I?
March 5, 2007
7:09 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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WEll we had an excelllent meeting with our marriage counsellor. I am so blessed that C. is willing to go. She told us that we have made some importnat changes in our marriage and don't need to come for a few months. ... AMAZING!!! I don't feel llike it is all me either. C. has made some sigificant changes regarding how he treats me. Of course he still thinks the mormon missionaries are casing our house, but still . I must count my blessing.

March 5, 2007
7:25 pm
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So Great to hear that you are making progress! Also glad to hear your mom is doing better!

Your comment about the missionaries had me giggling. Glad you are grateful too!

March 5, 2007
9:42 pm
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Wow...what a great moment that must have been!
Doesn't it feel like you just earned a promotion or something. You graduated from weekly counseling!

Hooray Tiger Trainer!! 🙂

March 6, 2007
5:15 pm
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Yeah I do feel good what makes me feel good is that C. has actually changed a little.

I put in th epart about the missionaires because it is the only thing about his paranoia that I can stand to think about. the evil emails to people at church make me cringe. But the bishop said that theere have been no evil emails for a year now. that's good.

STATE TESTING IS OOVER TODAY/

March 6, 2007
9:45 pm
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TT,

Yeah, no more testing for you.

Wow...your parents are sure doing a lot of missionary work and service. I am impressed!

What do you think of C's ex?

Was he paranoid with her too? Maybe, she couldn't deal with it.

Ahah! You can tell your mom you DO have kids...even though they are step kids and hmmm you don't have much to do with them. 🙂

March 7, 2007
4:33 pm
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OOOH AG,
Your questions make me feel like I have a good friend out there.

My father died about 20 years ago and my mom has been going on missions every since. (it helps her to cope) in fact they were serving a couple's mission when died quite suddenly of a stroke.

It's funny about C's ex. She is a mean controlling woman but I think she and I could share some paranoia stories and have quite a conversation. She and C get along because of the children but fortunately they live in Montana. right now they are engaged in the yearly battle of when the kids come and how long they will stay. You'd think she'd be glad to get rid of them and have some time to herself but no, she wants to control when they come and how long they stay.

Yeah I have step kids and also a cat. I am embarrassed to say that sometime I act like a doting mom when I tell my family allthe cute things my cat can do.

March 7, 2007
9:22 pm
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Dude,

When I got really sick and was in a lot of pain, I freaking trained my cat to do tricks and almost got the toilet thing down with one cat, but his brother kitty was too stubborn to pee in the toilet.

Maybe she is really attached to the kids. You might be that way if someone have visitation right to you kitty, right?

No, You can't have kitty for four months!!!

At mediation we have to figure out which holidays will be the exception to our usual days. Mother's day...Christmas...the other ones I don't care so much about.

March 8, 2007
5:56 pm
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well they have the whole visitation thing in the divorce papers only with her in Montana and us in FL, she can pretty much decide. Unless we have the thousands it takes to take her to court to enforce it.

I am staying on at my school but requesting a younger grade. i went ot the celebration of Black History month for my school last night. It reminded me why I took the job in the first place.

March 9, 2007
5:42 pm
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I cleaned my classroom like it has never been cleaned before. It was hard work and I am exhausted but I feel better inside.

March 9, 2007
10:48 pm
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TT,

Those kids are wonderful...the black history month hit me hard too when I was in Detroit...I felt blessed to be with those kids and help them become who they wanted to be.

Perhaps you can make a vision board of happy well behaved children learning and excelling.

I am very excited about my vision board that I started this morning...ok so I put some pictures of D on it...I think he represents being treated wonderfully and like a queen because of how kind and gentle he was as a boyfriend back in the day.

I also put some magazine clippings of aluring yet modest clothing that I liked...kind of says hot stuff, but everything is covered and professional enough.

I will keep working on it and tell you more. 🙂

March 10, 2007
4:04 pm
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Yes yes yes. I need a vision board. children learning from an organized teacher!!! I am afraid I am too old for alluring yet modest clothing but I think I'll put up someone who is thin. I am starting to think about losing weight. My doctor assures me that my health will be better.

I don't do it because I am afraid I will fail at it. but gee if I can clean a classroom surely I can exercise and diet right?????

I remember readding about how the brain thinks in symbols and that vision boards are good for setting goals.
Okay my vision board will have an organized teacher, happy (not angry children) and a thin woman.

so how big does it hae to be? does it hang on waLL? Sit in a book? is it a computer page???

I

March 11, 2007
8:29 pm
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Hey TT,

Those are all good ideas...and the size is up to you...as long as you look at it everyday and imagine you are there having all those thing that you want and having them in the right now.

I feel so much better...I was telling mj since I have lost weight.

March 12, 2007
12:34 pm
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Good for you my friend. Good for you for your vision board and losign weight.

I am spending my spring break cleaning my awful house.

I am reading an old book called What to say when you talk to your self. It's all about giving yourself positive thoughts. the author said most people, especially women have been trained to give themselves negative thoughts.

So today I am telling myself that I am energetic and an enthusaistic cleaner organizer. Someday I might believe that.

How are things with you??/ How is your son. Have you done any more mediating?

March 13, 2007
6:28 pm
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Hello friends,
not much going on here I am trying to keep active and busy. Today I had to go to the dr. to have a large piece of glass taken out of my foot...so much for house cleaning right. Then C. called to say that he'd forgotten his manager's note book and there was manger's meeting today. so I brought it to him.

Then for no reason at all I had a panic attack in the middle of the supermarket. I had to go home. that hasn't happened for a long time now. so I am just cleaning up corners and feeling bad right now.

March 14, 2007
9:08 am
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Oh TT,

I am sorry. Sometime cleaning up moves emotional junk around too. Maybe you need a good cry as you let for of the trash and filth and other clutter go.

I LOVE this book. "Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui"

Getting rid of clutter helps you to be able to clean a lot more easily.

The author talks about people who have had emotional break throughs by getting rid of clutter. Maybe that is what brought you to an edge emotionally and internally and triggered the panic attack.

Also, sometimes when people clear their houses, they can't stand to have clutter and junk come into their bodies as well and start loosing weight.

It didn't happen for me that way, but at least I quit stubbing my toes!

Where did the glass come from?

March 14, 2007
3:07 pm
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good idea and a comforting one Maybe I am sorting through some emotional junk too. I mean my mind has wander over the past few years, wondering if I made the right choice to stay with C.things are good right now but they could change.

Maybe I should just continue.

March 14, 2007
5:33 pm
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Yeah I mean stirring stuff up in your house is probably stirring stuff up in you.

I think I got a little wigged out too...like I felt insecure about letting things go "just in case I needed them later".

But it is much easier to live daily with the junk out of the way.

Maybe you could put a picture on your vision board of you and C up and add gray hair and floral print retirement t-shirts and crows feet around your eyes...hmmm maybe not then you might start looking old...maybe a picture where you both look cute but put a 50th anniversary banner in the background so you know you should stay together.

March 14, 2007
9:42 pm
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I like that idea except the crows feet are already there. My secret wish in putting up the temple is that he and will be there together again someday. All though i don't think that will ever happen so it is a secret even from myself.

If you think Thomas is bad now, wait ten years.!!!!!!
I have the same problem with the step kids only when they won't do something you can't drag them around or lift them up or anything.

I took a bunch of stuff to Salvation Army today. They said they wouldn't accept books anymore. How weird is that? I hoope your theory is right and i'll be clearning emotional junk from my mind as well.

March 16, 2007
10:34 pm
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TT,

That is weird..DI accepts books...you could try donating them to a local library. I did that...it was cool because I knew I would have no regrets and that I could just go check the books or videos out if I really missed them that much.

Don't we all have crows feet?! 🙂

Man, what CAN you do with a teenager?

If they say they aren't coming...ummm...I guess they aren't coming!

March 17, 2007
7:15 pm
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No you can't force a teenager you have to outsmart them which is difficult. Luckily I am only a 'mom' for month each summer. of course they are independent enough to stay home if they want to.

I am so stresseed about starting school again Monday. That horrible man from the state will be there and we don't know when he will pop in so all our lessons have to be perfect.

My therapists scolded me on thursday because he says I am trying to be perfect and don't let myself make mistakes. the problem is he didnt' tell me how to stop thinking this.

March 17, 2007
8:42 pm
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TT,

Just what you need someone being critical of you when you are dealing with perfectionism! ha!

So he wants you to run around saying hey look at me..look at the cool mistake I just made...woohoo!

Just he just want you to be more laid back? ...flow with the universe or something.

I mean you told him about getting glass in your foot. That qualifies as a mistake, right?

There you are set for the week. lol.

A mantra for you and me:

I accept my whole self and am grateful for and feel love toward myself.

March 18, 2007
5:01 pm
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I accept my whole self and am grateful for and feel love toward myself.

i love it.
yeah just what I need is a therapist who critizises me. Actually he was pretty nice a funny about it he was just trying to get me to see that I need to take criticsm with a grain of salt and move on.
My therapist was trying to get me stop focusing on the criticism my principal gave me two months ago. I am still wallowing in the sadness of it.

He also said that i should look for a new job. So now I can at last say to myself I have the right to quit and find something I can be less stressed about. I am going to find an ESOL job either in public shcool or college. Good luck to me.
I am going to say that mantra every day.

March 18, 2007
6:34 pm
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Well, that sounds positive TT. What is ESOL, BTW?

March 19, 2007
6:12 pm
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English as as Second Language. My master's in teaching children who are learning english and i loved it. this year they canceled the ESOL classes at my school without telling me and now I just teach regular 4th grade. there's not much difference excpet ESOL parents support enducation and will discipline thier kids and it makes me feel special to be teaching something different.

I taught foreign grad students at U of Alabama. They came knowing English but not well enough to be TA so I tought them how to speak English.

had a funny experience today. My classroom clock had been set to the correct time and I assumed that my computer had been also. so I kept working and working and workaing and then I glanced at the classroom clock and it was 5:00. wow what a work day. but I got all my report cards. done.

March 20, 2007
8:22 pm
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Okay so the Dept. of Ed. guy comes to give us our evaluations. I told myself I didnt' care. and it turned out I didn't. he was less than flattering but then I found he was less than flattering to everyone. thank goodness that his last visit this year.
I am so glad I can put his comments in the proper place,...the garbage can. I prefer the gentle himts from my fellow teachers to improve. Yes! Let's hear it for me!!!

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