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depressed: why am I?
January 13, 2007
7:55 pm
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Why am I depressed. I only try at two things. my job and my marriage. job is bad. Somebody from DOE came to observe my class. My class was bad and my lesson didn't go well. So I got bad marks. I think. I don't know yet. So if our school fails again this year will I be the one they blame? Will I be out of a job? My class is has real problems I do my best.

My marriage, well I walk a fine line between being my self and being supportive. Sometimes I veer one way too far. it's tough.
I read these messages from people here. People who were abused as children. who have addiction problems. I had only child size problems as a child. my husband is paranoid but not phyically abusive and I don't allow emotional abuse. so why am I depressed why am I failing?
I have no excuses.

January 13, 2007
9:10 pm
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What are you failing at? Just because you have difficult students and had a ruff day doesn't make you a failure. Any system that thinks they can judge a school based on one class, one teacher, and one day would just be stupid. I don't think you should worry about that and definitely shouldn't blame yourself.

How long have you been depressed? Depression isn't always circumstantial so maybe you just have a chemical thing going on that makes you feel down.

I hope you feel better. Even just venting about how you feel sometimes makes you feel a little better. And it's definitely the first step in finding the solution. 🙂

January 13, 2007
9:15 pm
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TT,

I found it.

Didn't your husband put up security cameras or something like that? And, cancel your checks?

I would say you have more of a burden than you are letting on. He seems pretty controlling. It really does get depressing to feel like you are under someone's thumb and being controlled.

Maybe, you don't feel like he is as controlling as he seems to me....what do you think?

Sometimes, people are just depressed whether they have a difficult past or not. The primary president in my ward is on cymbalta just like me and her life was not like mine and she doesn't have fibromyalgia she is treating.

She validly has depression.

Are you on anti-depressants? Sam-E is herbal and helps a lot of people if you aren't interested in a prescription. They even had it at Costco the other day.

What do you mean by: "My marriage, well I walk a fine line between being my self and being supportive."

Would you explain that more to me please?

It is nerve racking to be watched.

Maybe, you are a HSP too. There is a self test on the website: http://www.hsperson.com/

What age kids do you teach?

"I have no excuses." Maybe, you do...maybe it is your body chemisty. Or something else...

You may discover what it is as you share your feelings.

January 13, 2007
9:27 pm
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Yeah my husband thinks the Mormon missionaries are out to get him so installed a fake security camera. he monitored my phone calls so I got cell. He stopped my tithing checks so I got my own checking account. Not much he can do since I earn more than he does.
I take Lexapro --20 milligrams. It helps most of the time. I am in therapy. My thearpist tells my I am a perfectiohnist and shouldn't be so hard on myself and that doing a half baked job is better than not doing anything at all. I dont' know. If it means my job is on the line.

I teach in an inner city school. I used to love it because I felt I could make a difference. I mean anybody could teach rich smart kids.
I used to teach at the University of Alabama. sometimes I think I should go back to university teaching

January 13, 2007
11:46 pm
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I mean sometimes it is so silly. Like my husband installing the fake security camera and telling me the FBI put it to stop the missionaries. And he honestly believes that I will believe that.

All I know is teaching and yet it seems that I'm not doing well at that.
Sometimes I want to just get out of my life and start over somewhere else. like a small town out west somewhere.

January 14, 2007
9:36 am
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Maybe Lexapro isn't the one for you....blah...I hated it so i am biased. It was weird. I was pissed off ALL THE TIME. I would wake up being angry. Huh? No reason at all...just angry.

I was so relieved to switch to cymbalta. It was amazing to not be pissed off unless I was actually really pissed off.

Ok...I don't know what is behind the fake security cameras...but that is really odd, strange, weird behavior.

Is it a joke? because he sounds serious. Is HE crazy?

If it is a control thing...then he is not crazy at all, but will try to throw around as many confusing things at you as possible to distract you from getting to whatever it is that is leading him to want so much control.

If it is stressing you out this much...maybe this isn't the right area for you to be teaching in. I mean if the rewards are greater than all this stress you are feeling then by all means stick with it, but if you are not happy don't punish yourself.

Maybe it is just a matter of getting those reviews in...so you can get your confidence back.

You don't have to do the impossible. If you body is going to be racked with depression and sadness, maybe teaching the most difficult kids possible isn't the answer.

Think of it as taking yourself to a spa and giving back to yourself if you switch to teaching university level or private school kids. Just taking care of yourself.

"All I know is teaching and yet it seems that I'm not doing well at that."

maybe that is because you have picked the hardest possible kids to teach...I mean I think the only way you could make it harder on yourself is to teach an over loaded classroom of special needs inner city kids.

It is exhausting...you have no idea how bitter those teachers were at the school in Detroit that I was doing a literacy program with.

They were calling the kids crack babies on there breaks and they seemed to hate their jobs.

A first grader brought a gun to school from his dad's dresser...and the mother of this kid had been dressing him up in girls clothes because she saw his sister get burned up in a fire and was all freaked out and crazy.

My Americorps team was only there for 8 weeks...I mean the crap that goes on must get really old for the teachers.

Oh and the school lunches for these kids were totally ridiculous. Hot dog, bun, packet of ketchup. It was really weird because the school was sponsoring our Americorp group and all of the sudden they started adding sides like corn and milk and what not because the Americorp team had to eat what they served at the school.

Wow, thanks for the special treatment...but boy will it suck for those kids when we leave.

I can see why you just want to start over out west.

Would you take your husband? just wondering?

January 14, 2007
4:48 pm
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Wow AG your reply was like a kind friend who really listens. Thanks you so much.
The going out west and starting over is just a daydream I tell myself when I feel like I can't stand my life. I remind myself that I can always change my present circumstances.

MY husband is literally crazy. he has someething called paranoid personality disorder. Practically impossible to diagnose and impervious to medication. However he does see a therapist but she can only help him so much because part of his problem is that he can't see that his circumstances are caused by his behavior. As far as he can see everybody really is out to get him.

I really am blessed though that he is willing to get help and he does try. We don't have the great spirtual union I once envisioned but we usually get along. --As long my church activities don't interfere with his comfort or plans.

anyway today at church I realized that I was really sunk down in little bitty everyday problems. it's so wonderful to be reminded of the big picture.

January 15, 2007
6:26 am
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It sounds like you love him dispite his illness. And, he is trying. That is hard to live with someone so paranoid. I guess you can't hearken to him either.

Maybe, taking care of everyone around you with seemingly special needs is taking a toll on your mood.

Innercity kids and a husband with a personality disorder that affects your interactions...that is a heavey burden to carry. What does your bishop say?

It sound like you are earning more than him on a teacher's wage?

So basically, you are supporting the family, trying to stay strong in your faith, and trying to be this amazing teacher in hard cirmustances. Who is there to support you?

It is nice to be able to think of the grand plan instead of the annoying and tiring today.

You are welcome, btw, I mean you have read all my junk...so I consider you a friend.

To everyone else:

Does anybody out there know if there are support groups for people with mentally ill spouses or friends?

January 15, 2007
8:18 am
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TT,

I'm so sorry you seem to be at this impasse in your life. Ifeel similarities in my own.....in that, you feel like you've done everything right, so to speak, and are being a pillar for everone else, and at some point you look around and just want something like a sign of progress, or improvement, and instead you see a downward spiral.

Depression creeps in when you see no chance for positive changes. Feeling trapped. Somehow, we have to either change our perceptions or attitudes and behaviors.

January 15, 2007
8:28 pm
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Wow I can't believe real people actually read and respond to these ravings of mine.It's so great to hear from people who understand what it;s like to be depressed who understand what it's like to try try and feel like you have no progress.
You all are great.

January 15, 2007
8:31 pm
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AG--Yeah I love him. However I spent 2 weeks with my mother last summer and didn't miss him a bit. That bothers me a bit but we get a long most of the time. and no I dont' hearken to him much anymore and he admits that he his not a spritual leader. Still we manage to have fun.
It would be worse if we had children.--another thing I failed at. Can't carry babies to term. Failed at something most female animals of whatever species can do.

Any way thanks AG and Brynnie

January 16, 2007
12:56 am
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I knew a man with the paranoid disorder like you're describing. Even the short amounts of time I spent with my friend, he would just be so sure that someone was constantly out to get him...whether someone was following us in the car or people hiding out in his woods spying on him. It's so weird, and it drove me crazy! I don't know how you've handled it. Relationships are extremely hard without throwing all this other stuff in the mix.

I think you're going have to learn to give yourself credit where it's due. I'm telling you, most people would be a wreck having to deal with what you do. I think you're quite impressive actually.

You can't blame yourelf for the baby situation. It's something you have no control over. You can't be a failure at something you can't control. You're NOT a failure!

Hang in there.

January 16, 2007
4:35 pm
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Another bad day at school. I feel like I am not making any difference to these students. I hate the idea that I am counting the days til summer. The only good thing is that I didn't loose my temper. Iam really working on that.

January 16, 2007
9:36 pm
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TT,

I am sorry for your loss. Miscarriages alone can really be horribly sad and depressing.

I have a SIL who has had 4, a SIL who had 3, one who had a still birth full term...the mourning process can be hard and long.

The irritation and sadness/anger over living with someone who is mentally ill would be really hard to deal with while raising a child.

You guys have to be really ready.

Sorry to hear about your rough day. I think letting out your anger somehow could be good so you don't have a thousand frustrations built up with these kids and ending up erupting like a volcano. It has to be trying.

May tomorrow be a better day!

January 17, 2007
4:49 pm
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Well today when the principal dropped into observe everyone was engaged and busy. small wonders.
Maybe things are looking up.

things with the big C (my husband) are on an even keel now. He is just writing "his story" of being hunted down and maligned to an Anti Mormon newspaper. More power to him I say. That's fairly harmless and beats sending emails to my bishop.

I get along with him because I can laugh sometimes. I mean come on, am I really going to beleive in a fake security camera?

also I am lucky because I am able to support myself. that makes me feel good.

Furthermore you all give me so much support. Thanks!

January 17, 2007
5:22 pm
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TT,

It is great that you can see his faults with such loving eyes...like he is a lovable kid that tells you there are giants and green monsters under his bed.

What is that movie with the really smart guy that thinks he is working for the FBI and has an imaginary room mate and what not...why can't I think of it?

I am glad they were well behaved today....phew!

Being able to support yourself truly is a gift. I am glad that there is support here for you and me both! 🙂

January 17, 2007
7:00 pm
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The movie is A beautiful mind. Early on in my therapy my therapist advised me to watch it. It fits my husband pretty well. Yeah he tells me the FBI is watching our house and then gets upset when I don't believe him. He's not always like that sometimes he's very normal. Other times he wants to take everybody to court. I mostly just listen and nod until he starts on me. Sometimes he thinks I am spy for the Mormon church. funny though, he still wants to sleep with me and stay with me even though I am the enemy in his eyes. When I wrtie this I wonder why I stay with him. It's not like he's abusive, he is just crazy.

January 17, 2007
7:03 pm
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What is DOE cuz that could mean some federal agency.

I am perfectionist at some things but not all. I absoultely am I neat freak. I have to go to bed with everything in order.

I hear that is pretty common to sleep with each other at all cost no matter what is going on with the relationship. I happen to think it is a control issue from a partner but that is my guess.

January 17, 2007
7:23 pm
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DOE is department of Education We are a failing school so we have state DOE people breathing down our necks. Mostly we just do our thing and keep teaching.

When I say sleep with me I mean it literally more intimate things don't happen unless we are both well rested and at peace with each other. I think he used to try to control me but found out I can't be controled in some areas so amazingly enough he has adapted to somethings. Like I am going to go to church and being involved in certain church activities. Our last big issue was when I was asked to play at the church Christmas party. it started a big arguement and involved him in the hospital with an overdose and extra couple therapy. the end was I played at the party and he lost his promotion because he was in the hospital. He learned something I think. He has really reined in the anti church statements in my presents and respected my wish that he confine his anti church to his internet friends.
Wow I feel like I am in group therapy.

January 18, 2007
11:27 am
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TT,

Love the group! 🙂

A beautiful Mind! That is it. I almost picture you husband out in his little shed trying to disipher code with picture of Gordon B Hinckley on the wall and maps of church property.

That must be horrible upsetting to have your spouse OD over you playing the piano.

Are you as sure as you used to be about having absolutely no reason to feel depressed?

Living life with a mentally ill spouse could be depressing...it would be to be...or an abusive spouse...duh...like I am.

That must be hard to be working at a failing school...have you watched "Lean on Me". You need that guy who took over as principal at your school too, right?

Like how I keep paralelling your life to movies. Some how that seems pretty humorous to me. 🙂

I wonder what movies or literature paralells my life.

Maybe, "Running With Scissors"...except I am not a gay male that was raised by his mother's therapist...but otherwise there have been some crazy things that have happened in my life...so.

Some of the abuse stories...here.."Ike and Tina"...aside from the ladys here not having a pop star music career.

Does anyone like to watch as many movies (and books) as I do...wow 🙂 probably, right?

By the way, what does the bishop do with the big C's emails?

January 18, 2007
4:25 pm
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AG
Thanks for you comments. You make me sound like some kind of wonder woman calling me primary breadwinner and a teacher at an inner city school. Makes me feel like I am dooiing a good job at just living.

this new bishop shrugs his shoulders and asks how he can help. The one before used to call me and tell me how terrible the emailswere and how it must stop.
I wihs I knew a movie that could parallel your life. Maybe I can think of a book, A young (compared withme) mother with artistic talent, and working on holding a marriage together. No I can't think of book either. but you sure have my life down.

January 22, 2007
10:27 pm
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TT,

That is it! Does anybody make movie here?!

I have a script. 😉 If there isn't a movie for me...let's make one. lol!

Darling, you ARE a wonder woman! I mean I am seriously, really impressed by your strength.

How many people would quit... your marriage....your job....your responsiblities to try to find something easier to do.

You know...they might give up on a husband with mental illness, get a divorce, and find someone else. Or, go teach at a tame private school instead of bothering with difficult kids who need more attentions. Or maybe they'd say playing the piano at church caused too many problems...maybe they'd even find a new religion or no religion at all.

You know what I'm saying?

Maybe they'd all go live on "Easy Street".

Have you watched Annie lately? 😉 Eeeeeasy Streeeet eeasy Street..bum bumm...that's where we want to beeeee.

I think you are taking the road less traveled though.

January 23, 2007
6:50 pm
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yes let's all go live on easy street.

well the decision to stay with C. wasn't easy but it was mine and it still seems right. at least right now.

January 26, 2007
11:51 am
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TT,

There are so many brave people on here and you are definitely one of them.

I am glad you are focusing on overcoming codepedence, especially with a decision to stay with him.

That way you don't get in a rut and don't know why or how to get out of it.

While I am in my own thing...um...struggle, I kept thinking of how you went and played at the Christmas party anyway....and the consequences were scary and severe, but you did it and handled what came after that.

When I watch you...I wonder...can I do it too? Can I do it for myself?

January 26, 2007
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OOOOH AG you are soooo goood for my ego. NObody has every complimented me on the strength of mind it took for me to go and play that night. It was such a struggle that night and it had been a horrible two weeks beforehand. the thing is, C. didn't physically or emotionally abuse me during that time. (Well, he did overdose) It wasn't like I had to decide to break off the relationship. all I had to do was do what I wanted to do (play at the christmas party) It took every ounce of courage I had and I had to take Xanax everyday for 2 weeks. But I got over it and we wobbling on the way we doo. HOpefully the next time won't be so hard for me.

Unfortunately there will be next time. He got all bent out of shape because our meeting schedule changed from 9 to 12 to 1 to 4. He seemed to think the church did it specifically so I wouldn't be there to cook his sunday lunch. But he doens't complain too much. I guess he already knows I will go to church.

someday I will tell you the story of the time he 'stole' muy temple recommend.

Meantime. keep up your thread. i love readint it and I pray for you daily.

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