Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
depressed--coffeehousehelpappreciated
July 2, 2009
7:03 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

IT,

At first, in reading your posts, I tried to suspend judgements, allegations and pre-conceived notions and give hubby the 'benefit of the doubt' as I do know of many instances where once a baby is born, (especially the first) the whole dynamic of the marriage changes and the husband/father goes through a PHASE of all of a sudden feeling second-banana, sort of speak and has tendencies to stray initially in order to somehow reclaim that 'first-banana' status, if you will - with someone else.

Of couse, I can not speak from experience here as I was never able to conceive....just a few things I did pick up along the way.

But like I said, usually this is just a temporary phase and doesn't usually amount to anything substantial and in material and just eventually ends.

Just a little period of adjustment the new father has to go through with no real harm done.

However, what you describe is different.

Jobless, actually refusing jobs and contacting other women besides - sounds to me like he is not a man who IS WILLING to step up to the plate and be responsible enough to be a man, husband and father basically.

Sounds to me like he is just a child STILL - in many regards.

Let me ask you this - how was he - responsibility-wise before your child was born?

Was he stable and secure and mentally and financialy prepared and ready to take on a family from the onset?

If you answer yes, I would say that you just might have something to work with here....if not, this guy seems and would appear to be quite the loser all the way around.

I dunno. Just a guess.

Don't tell me....is he quite possibly the last born (baby) in his family?

If he is, chances are also not good that he is ready or able to step up to the husband/father plate.

Not now.....possibly not ever.

(Sorry if that seems prejudiced. It has just been my experience is all.)

I could be (and am often) wrong about such things....so, you know, just take all of this with a grain of salt - OK?

In any event, I think that it is good for you to get all your feelings off of your chest and perhaps come up with a Plan A, B and even C, given your situation.

Ask for help. Envoke safe relatives and trusting close friends right now.....just in case.

Take it slow, honey. I know this must be extremely difficult for you right now - but please know that it will not always be this way.

I would think (and to tell you the truth....have actually witnessed for myself...) that it would be MUCH, MUCH better (in the long run) to raise a child as a single parent in a safe, calm, PREDICTABLE environment household....by a LONG SHOT..... than as two parents caught up in an unsafe, chaotic and unpredictable environment....bar none and hands down!!!!!

(I repeat.....bar none and hands down.)

You certaintly do have alot on your shoulders right now, IT. What a brave and courageous woman you are!!!!!

My hopes and thoughts and prayers, you have got tah know - are truly and sincerely right there and along side with ya 110% and 24/7!

....If there were (and by the way - just so we set the record straight right here, right now..... I KNOW that there are without a doubt....)angels, Inner Turmoil, .....they would be hanging over both your right and left shoulders right now all the while trying to nudge you, convince you, all and out GIVE YOU some relief and comfort and peace that no matter what.....NO MATTER WHAT....it'll all turn out OK.

(Imagine that?)

It'll all turn out OK.

(I don"t usually share that with just anyone as it is such and quite a deeply rare and profound experience for me that it almost too sacred to even talk about. But for you IT, I make this rare exception and invite you into this sacred, peaceful realm.)

Bottom line: It'll all turn out OK.

It'll all turn out OK.

(Bank on it!)

tBt - aka - Brenda

July 2, 2009
7:19 pm
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

tBt you said:

>>Just a little period of adjustment the new father has to go through with no real harm done.<< I HOPE you are not condoning that it's ok to cheat on your wife because she's a new mother. "No real harm done"?? Sorry, but I completely disagree with that statement, if in fact that's what you meant. My x felt "second" when our first child was born. And you know what? TOO DAMN BAD. He needed to MAN UP. Which he finally did. Ok, rant over. InnerT-Of course he's going to TRY and make you feel guilty. You know what's what. And you just stick to it! Let him talk all he wants......

July 3, 2009
12:06 am
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey all
thanks (Brenda)u are right,,
he is still a child,,,

--he WAS the baby (of 5 siblings total) lol

i think he really wasnt ready to be a father (or husband for that matter)

thanks,, Hep,,
you always know what 2 say... i think all men feel that way when a child comes,, cause of course a mother is gonna be most concerned about her baby.. 🙂

thanks again,,
(his stuff isnt on the porch yet 🙂

PSS: my friend from college stopped by tonite,, he has been my friend for 17 yrs now??
i shoulda married him,, he is an architect in a major city in NC..
he has loved me for 17yrs.. he is of a different race, but that doesnt bother me,,
anyway,
ttfn..

July 3, 2009
12:13 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK I need help with the ttfn………..what does that stand for?

I say you meet this other woman then thank her for taking out your garbage!

Pack his things and put them on the curb.

And what ever you do DON’T get involved with your friend of 17 years!!!!!!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 3, 2009
12:43 am
Avatar
Anam Cara
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 19
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Say what a tangled webb we weave as we pass through our lives. Nothing new in this until it happens to you. Shaking free takes time and just maybe he will have his fill of the other woman and realise how wonderful a woman he has at home. Men are so stupid when their heads are turned. Give him his head -get on with your life until either he walks out or he asks for forgiveness. A strong woman cane be very attractive to a weak man so stand tall and be for your child - sod him.
TTFN

July 3, 2009
1:37 am
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey InnerT, your friend of 17 years has always been in love with you? Why didn't you and him get together? No chemistry?

July 3, 2009
1:42 am
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh atalose, TTFN = Ta Ta For Now

July 3, 2009
4:13 pm
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey, All
Anam, thanks for the sweet words 🙂

Hi Hep,,
Lani, everyone,,

Hi, Atalose,, I was just wondering why you said dont get involved with my friend (im not planning on it anyway),, just wondering why,,
I dont wanna get involved with anyone right now,,,,,,
hey, Hep,, yes,, we have no chemistry like that,, Just Friends...he might feel that
way but i definitely dont..

o yea, yall are gonna love this,, my friend came by from out of town for a little while,,, my h goes 'out' i know who he is goin to see,,
he actually went to her house until 12:00 am... He told me he kissed her----twice..........
idk,, im crazy for not having his things in the front yard by now!!!
----occasionally i see glimpses of the man that i actually married---
---(fools me sometimes) 🙂
((hugs)))

July 3, 2009
5:50 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Something us codies are notorious for is jumping from relationship to relationship with out ever learning how to be happy and at peace being alone.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 3, 2009
7:22 pm
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Why is he telling you this? Does he think because he only kissed her twice (which I highly doubt that's all he did), it's ok?

I'm curious as to if he's given you an explanation as to why he's seeing this other woman. I know it doesn't matter "why", but I was curious. Obviously he's not just "friends" with her and he knows you know that as well. Has he tried to defend himself?

I know! You should pack his stuff and leave a note telling him he can stay at HER house!

July 4, 2009
10:02 am
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

morning all,,
Hep,, I stayed up and called him at 12:00 am.. (he wasnt home yet)..
i asked him where he was,,,, i knew he wasnt at the starbucks cause they close at 10 or 10:30 pm..
I asked him if he was at HER house, and he said he was,,
where else was he gonna be???? 🙂

so then when we woke up i asked him if anything happened and he knew i wouldnt believe 'nothing' he tried saying that at first 😉

anyway,,
i think he should go TRY to stay with her, i dont think she'll let him ,,, he has lost any sympathy he might have had with me... grrr

thaks for all the advice.....
ps: i highly doubt that too!!!

July 4, 2009
10:23 am
Avatar
Lanigirl
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 161
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Inner,

Sounds like you're not ready to kick him out. It's very tricky when you see flashes of who you thought he was, it helps him stay with you. All that potential.

July 4, 2009
10:54 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ooooohhh Inner, what your H is doing is sooooo wrong, and he is telling you like its no big deal, he has a gf who he kisses, and yes, i am sure alot more.....and he just had a baby with you............IDK....this man is no good, and yes, tell your hubby to stay with his new gf......sad, I am sure, but his new gf must know that your H is married with a child. This is all so awful, what H is doing to you. Please know you are sooo worthy and don't need a man who cannot stay faithful, and even if you both want to separate, that is fine....he should be OUT of the house!!!! not living with you and screwing around with this other chick, its just not right!!!

July 4, 2009
11:41 am
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

morning,
Camer and Lani,,
thaks,,
Camer,, i know right,, the chick KNOWS he's married with a 2 yr old,,'oh but she says she's never done this type of thing befor and she wasnt lookin to find anyone lalala'
whatever, i told him to go move in with her, go live anywhere but here,, i dont care anymore,,
o yea Camer,, i told him that at least 2 months ago... that we should sign the separation papers and be separated b/4 we started dating people---'he agreed with me' no papers,, he is still seeing her----

I AM ready to kick his A-- to the curb,,, --in my head,,but i see how much my son LOVES his daddy, but i know it will be harder if we wait till he is older,,,

July 4, 2009
1:04 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes, your son loves his daddy....but now your son is going to see mommy very upset, and possibly daddy fighting...which won't be good for the son.

I think as long as your H, does his fatherly duties, spend as much time with him, hopefully someday your son may understand, being 2 y/o he probably would not.

Inner, do you have just your 2 y/o AND a newborn or just one child?? i may have missed something in the past posts.

(((camer)))

July 4, 2009
1:15 pm
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey Camer,,
i agree, i think it'be better to see us apart and happy 😉

i only have the 2 yr old,, (i just still call him 'my baby' sometimes,,,
cause he is still so little and sweet....;)

July 4, 2009
1:46 pm
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good Morning InnerT--

>>oh but she says she's never done this type of thing befor and she wasnt lookin to find anyone lalala' << Did she tell you that? No, of course not. HE told you that. IDK, maybe I'm just paranoid, and MY trust issues are rearing their ugly head, BUT, I don't trust ANYTHING this man has to say. Know what I mean? ((((Group Hug))))

July 5, 2009
12:06 pm
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey everyone,,
Hep, you are sooo right,, SHE hasn't told me a Damn thing!!!!

I Dont trust anything he says 2 me anymore,, ive told him to at least NOT tell this chick any of our/my personal business,, what has he done?? -- told her everything :-[

yesterday i couldnt even go 2 my friends house cause he got me so upset before hand,,(probably intentionally)

our son DOES see us argue and i dont want him to ever have to see that again,,

I started filling out divorce papers online, and my h started threatening me (not physically)
and then he threated to kill himself in front of our son....(not to kill himself infront of him but threatened) he went in his bathroom--yes his ,,, and filled the tub and brought the hairdryer overthere like he was gonna do that,, i told him to come out of there and stop being selfish and think of HIS son for a minute and what he is doing....

He has GOT to leave,,
Do u have to get 'legally separated' to qualify for divorce??
i want him gone either way,,
all he was doing was insulting me this am in front of our son again... i am DONE .. seriously...
Im scared to be alone ,,, but im more scared for this man to stay in my home anymore,,,
------

July 5, 2009
12:08 pm
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ps: not my son's bathroomm--
my husbands
clarify 🙂

July 5, 2009
2:08 pm
Avatar
Hepburn
Los Angeles, California
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((InnerT)))

Geez, I'm so sorry to hear that he is pulling the ol "Whaaaaa, someone feel sorry for me!" pity party.

My x did that once to me too. But we didn't have children yet. He took a big butcher knife and said he was going to stab himself......Ok, and why do they pull this crap? They want our attention, and they want us to make them all better. It's all about THEM. On top of everything else, we're supposed to be their mommy too.

Sorry, I'm on a rant.

I didn't get legally separated before I got my divorce.

InnerT, what does your h want???!!! His cake and eat it too? Like my xh, your h's maturity level, on a scale from 1 to 10 is about a -5.

Obviously he is not going to leave on his own volition. Have you thought about leaving temporarily for a while? Give him a deadline to get out?

He sounds like a loose cannon right now......

July 5, 2009
2:34 pm
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey,
Hep,,
thanks,, yea ,, i know right,,
please,, he throws bigger fits than my 2 yr old does 🙂

he IS like a loose cannon,, i told him to leave,, but,, he is still here,,,
now he is saying we should work on things,, (cause he doesnt wanna have 2 get a job and pay his own bills)

lalalala ,, im Sick of it..
shall we have a pity party for him?
i dont mind u ranting 🙂

yeah, i really think he does want his cake and eat it too 🙂

thank u for all ur help,, idk where id be without you (and everyone on here)
----

July 5, 2009
3:05 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Inner,

You are so caught up in his chaos and dysfunction, calling him, asking if he’s with her, talking with him about her and all of that is keeping you highly emotionally engaged to this entire situation.

It doesn’t matter if she knows he’s married, I’m sure he’s filled her head with how horrible his wife is who cheated on him and how he is staying for his child bla bla bla.
And he’s telling you she’s never done this before because he needs to believe that, he needs to secure someone else before he lets go of what he’s got. Sounds like one big relationship disaster just waiting to fall apart.

The fact he’s pulling out all the stops (bath tub with hair dryer ---HOW DRAMATIC) means he’s living on shear fear. Fear of moving forward in life so he’s clinging and grasping at what ever he can to gain some kind of control over something.

What does it really matter what he tells this other woman, that shouldn’t affect you at all.
You need to truly figure out if you really want to let go of him or work on this relationship because it can’t be both ways and right now that’s what’s going on. You want him to go yet you are so emotionally engaged to him and his new situation. I you really wanted him to go you’d be glad he’s found someone else to help that process along but it appears you are still to involved emotionally to let go.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 5, 2009
4:15 pm
Avatar
innerturmoil
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 17
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ATALOSE,
hi,,
thanks, idk if you are aware,, He is Still living here with me.that is the only reason i care what he does.. he is living here and NOt working..
soooo, i am still involved with what he does,, if we were separated it would be different///
and i only care about what he tells her cause i asked him Not to tell her anything about MY personal business...he still [email protected]

Ive already figured out that i want him OUT... or didnt you get all that..it is HIm that doesnt know what he wants.
He WONT leave,, what am i supposed to do .. go live with my parents and my son and still pay the bills while he screws around on me 2?????
I DONT want this man...
ive told him this many times..
it is more complex cause we have a son but we still need to be apart...

thanks for your advice...

sorry if ranting

Hey Hep...>

July 5, 2009
7:18 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You could always get a restraining order to get him out...or drastic measures and have the police escort him out..........You have to let him know YOU want him out, no excuses, nothing,.........just leave, plain and simple. He can find a place, even if its a shelter, if you want him gone, he can be. I wish you luck 🙂

July 5, 2009
8:07 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Inner,

Rant away that’s how you are going to work through this.

I do know you want him out and that you have told him that. I guess I was just thinking that calling him at 12:30 and asking if he’s at his new friends house is sending mixed messages. If I were him I’d be asking why does she even care.

And why would you have to move to your parents house with your child? If you are paying all the bills, etc. and he’s not been working let him go move to his parents house or stay with a friend or who ever. I agree with CAMER call the police next time he does one of his dramatic scenes and have them remove him from YOUR home. It’s his behavior that warrant’s taking some responsibility here. Feeling sorry for him or thinking you are doing anything positive for your son by having such a loaded emotional cannon around right now is not doing anything good for any of you right now.

What is the plan, what is the time frame for him to move out? How much longer are you willing to put up with all of this?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
28
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111002
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714291
Newest Members:
rydesk, Castano, Yourheart, Aaradhya, tecnhog, Fijirald
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information