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depressed--coffeehousehelpappreciated
June 30, 2009
8:44 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi all,,
i am a bit depressed,, down lately, even a person i barely know noticed it and asked me if i needed to talk about it.. he was nice but he is married also, and also, we have a business relationship,,
so,, he already knows some stuff, but i dont want to go there,, if i need to talk i need to find a good therapist...
i dont want to fall into the trap of another married man again..
im not saying he hit on me or anything,, i just got odd vibes today...
idk

im soo crazy , my h has been going out after the baby goes to bed almost every nite, he says he just wants to get away...
he has already told me he has a girl he 'talks' to online,,
i am nearly convinced he's met her at least once,, but he swears he hasnt,, but the stupid part is that i really dont care,,,
every time i say lets just at least get legally separated ,,he makes up a reason not to and then treats me however he wants..
mainly like his doormat,, we DonT have sex,,like 1 time in 3 yrs 😉

idk why im still here with him,, im too weak to just do what i know i need to do for myself..
im scared of being alone (and dating again)
I have my son to think about now..
how divorce will affect him.. but how does it affect him when his mommy and daddy are not happy with each other ??

feeling down in the dumps tonite..
--inner

June 30, 2009
9:00 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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hey inner,

i'm sorry you're feeling depressed. you deserve so much more respect than that. i grew up with divorced parents and i would rather that than when they were together but unhappy and seeing them fight.

i hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.

trying2heal
(((hugs)))

June 30, 2009
9:38 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Must be the moon. I didn't know that part of your story. If he is cheating on you, run and run fast. Believe me when I say if he isn't getting sex from you he is getting it from somewhere. Hell mine was getting it from me and whoever else he could get it from at the same time.

Bitsy

June 30, 2009
9:43 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hey,
Bisy,, must be the moon,,

i didnt know about your sit. either..
sorry about it...men are usually that way...

tryingtoheal...
thanks for the advice..

hugs--

June 30, 2009
10:08 pm
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CAMER
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inner, what does IDK mean??

i've seen you posting here alot lately, know you are not alone.

But you have to ask, would you rather be alone and happy, then in a relationship, where it seems the marriage has fizzled?

why not look for a good therapist and get an outside opinion on all of this, talk things over, get everything out and see how the therapy goes, you may be alot stronger than you realize.

(((Hugs your way))))

June 30, 2009
10:37 pm
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atalose
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Inner,

I apologize for not fully knowing your whole story but a few things jumped out at me in your post.

1. you mentioned not falling into the trap of another married man………..were you involved with a married man? Did your husband know you were involved and possible that is the reason he is seeking other woman outside of your marriage?

2. in regards to your son and how this will affect him if divorce happens, well, I think you need to be asking how staying will affect his future outlook on marriage. Dysfunction is handed down generation to generation.

What I learned a long time ago was………when the pain of staying becomes greater then the pain of leaving you’ll do what’s best for you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 30, 2009
10:39 pm
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atalose
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CAMER…………IDK….means….. I don’t know. LOL my kids taught me that with texting……

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 1, 2009
8:59 am
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innerturmoil
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hey all,

thanks for clearing that up ,atalose,

yes there was a married man --4 years ago,, we both never really went to therapy (i went for 3 sessions),,

anyway,,
i dont think he ever got past it.. i tried to get him in therapy at points,,
he just went on meds and thought that would help the situation,,

i dont believe he has physically cheated on me,, but he has interest in other women, one in particular,,
he 'says' he's never met her in person,, idk..

anyway,,
that stuff doesnt matter,, we have agreed we need to at least get a Legal Separation,, sooner the better,,

im just scared, idk if i can raise my 2 yr old by myself,, he will be a Big part of his life, but i will still have main custody,,

it is very scary,, raising a child with 2 parents together is scary but alone is terrifying! 🙂
any advice????

thanks for all the advice...
Bitsy,
How are you today?

July 1, 2009
10:35 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Inner,

Thanks for sharing your struggles. Sorry to hear you're feeling down in the dumps. I've been having some bad moments myself (in the worst moments, I've wanted to turn to the other man - I have to keep repeating no to myself) and it helps me to read your posts.

Good job following your instincts on that married man. Keep those professional relationships professional. That man was fishing and you caught on right away.

Tell me, is there a reason that you wait for your husband on the legal separation?

Any relationship (even if it's not physical)that has to be kept a secret isn't a relationship to be kept. If ok with you, I'm going to change idk to I do know because you do. Anything outside of the marriage that makes you uncomfortable or questioning it isn't ok.`

I'm not a parent myself but I've watched other single parents. Definite challenges but with the 2 of you as co-parents, it could work.

Hope I didn't get too preachy. It helps me to get my thoughts out because I'm repeating the truth to myself.

Hugs to you.

July 1, 2009
11:14 am
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sunshine88
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hi inner, u know i care a lot about you, you're my coffeehouse friend! but my being unmarried renders me all the time with nothing to say! (grrr)

so here's hugs for you. 🙁

July 1, 2009
2:17 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Hey inner, the feeling beat down thread is mine

Bitsy

July 1, 2009
2:32 pm
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Hepburn
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Hi InnerT,

This might come in spurts because I'm at work.

I really wanted to post to you because I felt the same way that you are right now when I was married.

IMO people shouldn't stay married because of the children. I know a lot of people don't agree with that, but unless they can do a great job at PRETENDING to be happy most of the time around the kids, I just don't see it working. We don't give the kids enough credit. They know very well when things aren't right.

I chose to show them that it's better to be true to yourself, then to be miserable. Plus I think the kids can feel guilty if their parents are miserable and they are only staying together because of them. So it is a double edged sword, I realize.

I was scared too.

Work calls......

July 1, 2009
3:21 pm
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Hepburn
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If the father wants to be involved with the baby, then that's half the battle.

I know it's scary InnerT. I had to go with what I felt was right. I wanted to be happy, so I tried to stay positive.

One thing that's on your side is that the baby is still a baby. My son was 8 and my daughter was only 2, so she didn't have any adjustment issues. My son on the other hand.......

Good for you for staying away from the married guy. I've been down that road too, and it was such an empty feeling after it was all said and done.

July 1, 2009
8:43 pm
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innerturmoil
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hey all,
thanks for the advice,,
Sunshine,, thank you for the concern,,

Lani,,
im GLAD you are saying 'no'......
i am staying away from married man''
even if he was single and i was single,, i really wouldnt be interested anyway,,, 🙂
but i am vulnerable right now and he knows it...

Hep,
im glad you said your 2 year old didnt have any issues (that i how old my son is now),, he is being 2 also ..
im glad you shared about you felt the same way when u were married,, how long did it take u to file for divorce???

my h cannot move out yet cause he still doesnt have a JOB...
i cant keep up supporting him,, he swears he will get a job, he has to to get his own place 🙂

he is a good father and he WAntS to be a big part of the baby's life..
no matter what,,,

thank everyone for the support,,
idk where id be without you all,,
probably locked up in a padded room
lol

July 1, 2009
8:56 pm
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Hepburn
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Geez InnerT, he doesn't have a job??!! That really makes it even more complicated. I know I'd have a hard time getting him out. Can he stay at a friends or relatives house?

I was married for 12 years. But I knew 2 years in that I wanted out. I thought if we had a baby it would make things better. Of course it just made it worse. Then we had another one. Obviously we were supposed to have our children. I can't imagine them not being in my life.

Even when we were "separated" (not legally), we still shared the same bed. I know, pretty weird, huh? HA We did that for 6 months, until I finally said, ENOUGH. He moved out and got an apt.

July 1, 2009
9:08 pm
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innerturmoil
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hey,
Hep,, yea, know u know some of my dilemma,,,
he has a friend he could stay with,, but he has a hugh presc drug problem,, he Has to have them for his back pain and on and on, and
plus his friend lives 40 minutes away,,,
his parents are not doing well..
idk,,
i want him to be here kinda close by his son,,,but he needs to make money,, he is a brilliant artist and i think he could sell original paintings for a good amount but he hasnt tried to sell any on the internet,,
he has a web site, but it is mainly just designs and doesnt barely sell anything,,,

anyway,,, sorry,,
i just see sooo much potential for him to make good money but he wont.. my friend wanted him to paint a mural on her wall,, but he wouldnt do that,,even she was gonna pay him :)..
im at my wits end,,,
i like him as a person,, but i am miserable being married to him...
like being married to my brother,,
or that we are mainly good friends..

sorry,, i guess i got alot on my mind tonite,,

Hep,, are you gonna watch 101 dalmations soon?? lol
the lady im talkin about is british and very kind (and pretty) 🙂
hugs

July 1, 2009
10:10 pm
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Hepburn
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Ahh geez AGAIN, (lol) InnerT! Oh if I could count how many times I've fallen in love with POTENTIAL!!!! And I'm on a border line with my current bf on exactly that same thing.

If your h doesn't want to do a mural or get the energy to better himself, that's his choice. (I know you know that). BUT I think the thing that concerns me is the ol taking lots of pills because he has a bad back issue......

From what little I know about you InnerT, I do think you are a strong woman. This is a very typical codependent situation.

Do you have any pamphlets from CoDA regarding boundaries or staying in harmful situations too long? If not, I'd go on the internet and order some. Or find a meeting near you. What do you think?

I think I could handle watching 101 Dalmations. I mean it IS a Disney movie forcryingoutloud! HA

July 1, 2009
10:14 pm
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Hepburn
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Oh, I forgot to say that I don't think 40 min away is that far......If that's all he's got, maybe it would motivate him to get off his ass. Know what I mean?

July 2, 2009
7:38 am
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innerturmoil
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hey,
Hep,
thanks for the advice, you always have good advice,,

i just wanna clarify,,,, it is his Friend that has the problem with presc pills,, that is one reason i dont want my h staying over there 🙂

his friend is suing the state for disability,, he doesnt wanna work either 🙂

maybe that would make him get of his Ass!!! lol

love ya!

July 2, 2009
8:16 am
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CAMER
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inner, is your hub actually "looking" for jobs, do you see him sending out his resume, or going from company to company just passing out resumes....cuz if he isn't looking, then he will rely on you to support him and the family.

July 2, 2009
10:23 am
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Lanigirl
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Oh Inner and Hep,

I've fallen for that potential so many times.

I'm hearing me in your post, thinking about what's best for the other person. What would make it good for you?

Maybe instead of you worrying about where he goes, you could pass that on to him. He's a grown man (in theory anyways) and he needs to take control of things. Can you set a limit, like a month for him to move out?

July 2, 2009
4:16 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hey my Friends 🙂

thanks for all the advice,,,

I Just found out TODAY that my h
HAS met the internet girl in PERSON--

i dont remember what i said,, we had a huge fight this am...
he told me they have met -- first he said 3-4x then i asked again he said only 2-3x either way he is a liar --

and that he 'says' they havnt done anything,, why should i believe him now???

I dont really care but for the fact that he lied to me 2 my face!!!!

I told him if he wanted to meet the stupid girl,, he could, i just didnt wanna be lied 2.. he couldnt even do that...
I told him we shouldnt date other people at least until we signed separation papers.. geeeeezzzzz....
come on,,, he didnt even wanna tell me her first name ,, i guess he thought i was gonna find her and kill her or something if i knew her first name... LOL!!!

He is such and ASS,,, idcare what he says 2 me now,, i made up my mind it is OVER!
Soon!

Gotta go get some of Camer's iced
Coffee...
grrrr

July 2, 2009
4:18 pm
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innerturmoil
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o yea,
camer,, no he isnt actuall 'looking' for jobs,, no resumes out ,, no apps filled out,, nada...
jack.....

July 2, 2009
5:54 pm
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Hepburn
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Oh wow, that would really piss me off!! He's seeing someone else, while you're supporting him......I know it's just me, but I'd have his stuff packed and on the porch. What nerve!

July 2, 2009
6:08 pm
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innerturmoil
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Yeah,,
I KNOW.. some NerVe right!,,

my friend said i shoudve kicked him 2 the curb,,, yrs ago...!
I am too nice,, or just too easily swayed ..
He is a Very good speaker--(manipulater)

hes starting to make me feel guilty about being angry at him for seeing this girl!!!!!!
I know,, i need help!!

omg...
someone come here and Kick me in the A--
love u all...

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